NOVEL NEXT Book 4, Chapter 17
"I cannot fucking believe I've been having dragon episodes this whole semester, and nobody told me," I groaned over breakfast.
"I thought you knew," Nicky said. Apparently, one of said episodes had involved me taking her back to my bedroom to join my 'hoard,' and according to her timeline of events- corroborated by the others and The Father's perfect timekeeping- I had in fact given her three consecutive prostate orgasms before learning that she preferred "Nicky" to "Veronica," which felt like we'd done things ever so slightly out-of-order.
"Alright, well, Talia, Emily, Faith, Volex, you four knew better," I said. "What's your excuse?"
"I thought it was really hot, and I didn't want you to stop doing it," Talia said.
"I was worried that telling you might have unpredictable consequences," Emily said.
"I just thought it was funny," Faith said.
"Ditto," Volex said, grinning.
"Now I want to see if 'a half-dragon has claimed me as her own' would be enough to void the marriage contract," Erica murmured.
"I thought the Silver Maidens didn't like dragonbloods," I said.
"The Silver Maidens don't care for the practice of Dragonblood Sorcery, and consider it to be a primitive precursor to proper modern Wizardry and Bardsong, as well as a lazy shortcut," Erica corrected. "However, I am not the Silver Maidens. I am Erica Silverpetals, the girl who tripped, fell, hit her head, and fell overboard in a pitched battle, after having a very minimal and mostly antagonistic relationship with you... and who you still lept overboard to rescue. I am, currently, of the opinion that anything the Silver Maidens say that would cast aspersions on you is categorically horseshit."
"...Wow, that deck must've really rung your bell," I said, blinking.
"Near-death experiences are not known for leaving your perspective completely unchanged."
I thought back to my time in the Black Desert, and how easy it had become to take another man's life after just the first time they'd taken mine.
"...Point," I conceded.
"So, what's next on the agenda?" Vanessa asked. "You know, after you recover from the fact that having a dragon's blood in your veins makes you more like a dragon."
"Ugh. Well, first of all, I've gotta put up a temporary helm on top of what's left of the conning tower," I said. "After that, we can fly back to Barracuda Bay, collect our pay, and go home. And, uh... at some point in the next few days, I need to come up with an answer to 'what the hell am I going to do with this fucking warship?' Because I dunno if you've realized, but this thing isn't exactly small enough to fit in a parking space back on campus."
"Having some regrets?" Faith asked.
"Kinda, yeah," I said. "I mean... Okay. I can see where Dragon Cat was coming from: this is the biggest airship in the world, it's both useful and valuable, and it is unquestionably mine. The problem is that, because this is the biggest airship in the world, repairs and maintenance are going to be an absolute nightmare, and just in general, simply owning this thing is going to be a tremendous headache. Can you imagine how many taxes I'm going to have to evade on this thing?"
"Why not just shrink it down like you did The Harpy, stick it in a bag of holding, pretend you don't have it, and ignore it until you need it?" Vanessa asked.
"That..." I paused, thinking it over. "...Hrm. That's... Okay. Okay, I can work with that. Someone help me find a clear glass bottle."
"Can we please throw all these corpses overboard before we start looting?" Faith pleaded. "This ship smells awful."
---
When we arrived back at Barracuda Bay, it was to a fireworks display, and another, visibly unarmed, corvette-class airship slowly approaching us, with Admiral Abbondanza, Primogen Thompson, and Duchess Redwater standing near the prow, waving at us as we drifted into port.
"We checked the divination arrays, yesterday evening," Thompson said. "The Respiro di Fuoco was a bloodbath. That was all you, Ironheart?"
"Faith took out the conning tower in a single shot," I said. "But, uh... yeah, the rest of the crew, that was me."
"The sailors are talking," Abbondanza said, grinning. "'The Red Devil,' they are calling you. It is an honor to have played such a role in the shaping of your legend, Sir Ironheart."
"Alright, alright, other people did important things here, too," I said defensively. "Envy successfully piloted an experimental super-speed airship in live combat, most of the others shot down at least a dozen corvettes each, and some of us played an important role in keeping the rest of us alive."
"So modest," Thompson teased, grinning. "So... What'd you do with The Respiro?"
"The contract says that we're entitled to whatever loot we can take from the pirates, with no need to disclose it," I said.
"So you took The Respiro?" Thompson asked.
The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
"I am making no definitive statements about what spoils we may or may not have claimed."
"I see, I see," Thompson said, nodding. "Well, that all sounds reasonable to me. Follow us in, and we'll see about getting you all paid, and finishing up that Rite of Absolution paperwork."
---
"Wait a moment," Melody said, straightening up in her seat. "The Rite of Absolution- who is it for?"
"Well, er... It applies to everyone who participated, yes?" Thompson said, as he finished signing the last bit of paperwork.
"Even Emily?"
"Well, yes, I would presume so," Thompson said, looking down at the paper on his desk. "Yes, see? Her name is written right here."
"Oh no," Melody whispered.
"What's wrong?" Vanessa asked.
Vanessa, Nicky, and myself were the only representatives from our parties in the office with Thompson and Melody; his office wasn't that big, and everyone else had better things to be doing than watching a middle-aged man do paperwork, like watch paint dry.
"Emily is now legally a man," Melody said. "Do you have any idea how hard it will be for her to find a husband who won't be put off by that?"
"I know I grew up in the Hikaano Imperium, but I have to say, everything you teach me about the aristocracy makes me feel like you people are from another planet," I said.
"Yes, yes, Hikaano aristocrats are freeloading parasites, I've heard it all before."
"No, this time it's more about how Hikaano aristocrats apparently hate women so much that most of them are completely unwilling to marry a woman who has the same rights, freedoms, and protections under the law as they do," I said dryly.
"Yes, but consider," Thompson said dryly. "If the men of Hikaano high society didn't hate women, I might have to actually develop an interesting personality to keep fucking everyone's moms. As it currently stands, all I have to do is treat women like people even though I don't legally have to."
"...Congratulations, you're a man who benefits from misogyny. Truly, the system is being subverted by your actions. You can shut up now."
"Huh, I thought a milfhunting joke would've killed with a High Elf."
"And if you weren't a Paladin, I might give that a pity chuckle. A shame you took up the sword that killed Napoleon's parents. You can shut up, now." I turned my attention back to Melody. "Anyhow, I should point out that Emily is already a Healer, which is a solid upper-class job that's well-respected. She does not actually need a husband in order to financially prosper. And as for companionship, well..." I coughed. "...She'll figure something out, I'm sure," I said instead of 'we frequently share a bed and kiss and cuddle and she does the same with my other girlfriends too,' which might have been a bit too much to share around Thompson.
"That..." Melody sighed, closing her eyes. "I just worry, you know? It's an important door that's now closed to her."
"Frankly, we should be more worried about Envy," Nicky pointed out. "Marrying into a noble house to secure contacts and trade deals for her family, a merchant house, was something of a major life goal for her."
"...We'll figure something out," I said. "In the meantime, though... ah, shit. God, ain't that gonna be a mess..."
---
Nonetheless, after collecting our pay and signing a bit more paperwork, we were all done with our adventure, and could fly back to Mount Fate aboard The Harpy.
"Congratulations," Helen said, standing on the ramp as Envy brought us in for a landing. "I've heard from Primogen Thompson that the mission was an unqualified success."
"Something like that," I said. "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but-"
"Yes, yes, it's late, you're tired, and you want to go home and get some sleep," Helen said, rolling her eyes as though I was the one being unreasonable here. "And you know what? You can go home and get some sleep. You and the rest of your... Bad Chicks, was it?"
"I still really like that party name," Vanessa murmured.
"The Harpies, meanwhile," Helen continued, "will each need to write essays, with a minimum of one thousand words, on what exactly they did on this adventure to earn their pay. It is due on my desk by 8 PM this Sunday."
"Helen," I said firmly.
"Catherine," Helen said calmly.
"I was there," I said. "I saw them. When the chips were down, they did their job. Back the hell off."
"...Are you going to insist?"
"What else do you think I'm doing?"
"Hmph. Fine. Essays optional, but worth extra credit for... something. I won't expel you if you don't write one. Can I go now, Miss Ironheart?"
"Actually, I need to talk to Jason," I said. "Is he in his chambers right now?"
---
"...That's very concerning, yes," Jason said, once I finished telling him about the 'dragon episodes' I'd been having this semester without any memory of them, as well as the more specific dragon episode that began with me kinda-sorta killing my long-lost cousin who, sure, was an awful entitled shithead who fantasized about owning entire civilizations as slaves, but still, I didn't feel good about killing him... except, that is, for when I looked at it from a more draconic angle.
From a dragon's perspective, Silas wasn't a cousin, he wasn't family, he was a rival, an enemy, and he'd threatened me with subjugation. Killing him and taking his stuff was natural.
But, well. I was an elf first, not a dragon, and elves generally frowned upon ripping a man's throat out with your teeth and greedily drinking his lifeblood for power.
"Is it... well, not normal, but expected?" I asked.
"It's precedented," Jason allowed. "I've seen it happen before. I don't recall how we treated it, though; perhaps you should consult with your Succubus, or Professor Takeda on the matter?"
"That... I'll go see Takeda tomorrow," I said. "Is there anything you need from me, Jason?"
"As a matter of fact, I am curious about what became of The Respiro di Fuoco, but..." Jason shook his head. "You've had a long day, Catherine. Go home, and get some rest."
---
I got home at nine, ready to drop like a brick, but I did have one last bit of business to attend to. A trophy, to put on the shelf with the others.
The Fire Breath, which I would be renaming at some point, was, in reality, two hundred feet long and weighed two hundred tons. A bottle of Cavallo Selvaggio wine, meanwhile, had a body that was, optimistically, one foot long.
But hey. I was really good at pocket dimensions, and shrinking down vehicles.
I grinned at my brand new ship-in-a-bottle, which, hopefully, most people would simply take for a ghoulish ornament rather than what it really was.
And then I went upstairs to hit the hay. Tomorrow was a new day.