NOVEL NEXT Book 3 Chapter 7
"Holy shit, is that a Succubus?" Cat asked, staring at Volex.
We'd taken Cat back to the van, to get her settled in, and almost immediately upon arrival, Volex re-emerged from her reliquary.
"Yeah, this is Volex," I said, gesturing at the demon in question. "She's my familiar and my tutor in all things Occult, although... Hrm. Volex, were you Napoleon and/or Frederick's Hearth-Mother?"
"Nah, I didn't feel like raising kids," Volex said. "To your dad, I'm Aunt Volex, not Mama Volex."
"Wait, hang on," Cat began.
"It's a long story," I said, closing my eyes and sighing. "The short version is, Volex was part of the Ironheart family for two centuries... and then got separated in the War of the Roses, and spent three hundred years being passed around like a magazine by rich old men, before I finally managed to take her reliquary from the King of Thieves, before taking his head off his shoulders and putting it in a jar above my fireplace."
"...Oh," Cat said.
"So, no," Volex said, "he is not shtupping his grandmother. We only met five weeks ago."
"Also, if you're about to ask how much control I have over her... I think the answer is 'only as much as she gives me?'" I turned and looked at Volex. "I mean, I'll admit that I have zero formal training in either Occult magic or diabolism, but I'm pretty sure that your reliquary isn't supposed to let you come and go whenever you want."
"In the hands of a human, it wouldn't," Volex said with a shrug. "The thing about the reliquary is that it's a symbol of ownership, but right now, it's being held by a young man to whom slavery is unthinkably barbaric, and who thinks that I should be free to do whatever the hell I want. And because Occult magic cares about that, I am free to do what I want, and I very much appreciate that."
"Ahhh, so you're a regular John Brown, eh?" Cat asked.
"No clue who that is," I said. "But, from context, I'm guessing he's a famous anti-slavery advocate where you're from?"
"Pretty much, yeah," Cat said, nodding.
"Right. Well, where I'm from, the subject of anti-slavery advocacy inevitably comes back to the War of Broken Chains, about four hundred years ago," I said. "The Hikaano Imperium had gotten involved in slave-trading, and the High Elves told them to knock it off. The Hikaano didn't do that, so the war started, and at the end of it, High King Lysander Rosewood grabbed Emperor Constantine Irkanian the Seventh by the hair, dragged him off his throne and into the streets, and had him executed by an endless procession of former slaves armed with their former slavers' whips."
Cat blinked a few times.
"...That's fucking metal," Cat said. "I like you people."
"That means a lot to me," I said, completely serious. The historical friendship between High Elves and Black Hikaano was pretty important, and there was a reason that, when Napoleon Ironheart finally settled down after the War was officially over, he did so in a predominantly black neighborhood. Even recently, with a lot of people moving into Greenwood Village because the cost of living was low and the quality of life was high, the population was still 60% black and mixed-race humans. "Anyhow. What's your story?"
"Oh. Uhhh..." Cat rubbed nervously at the back of her neck, wincing a little. "Honestly, there kinda isn't one? I'm no immortal elf with hundreds of years of crazy bullshit going on in my life."
"I'm eighteen."
"Oh. Shit, I'm even more boring than I thought. I mean, I'm just some punk kid from San Antonio, y'know? My parents struggled, but they always kept food on the table, and I didn't have it too bad, but..." Cat shrugged. "Iunno. I was applying to community college, and hoping I'd be able to keep my part-time job at the grocery store, when suddenly this redhead elf lady grabs me and tells me I'm the Destined Hero, and I'm gonna save the world or some shit."
"Ugh, hate when that happens," I said.
"Okay, I know you're just joking, but does that actually-"
"It arguably happened to me once, but that was more 'it turns out my mom isn't an orphan, and her mom is one of the most infamous archmages in history,'" I said. "Wasn't really a Destined Hero type thing, just, y'know. Nepotism." Funnily enough, while that term did arise from the Selnal Grigian word for nephew, 'nepos,' the Selnal Grigian word for grandson was 'nepotis,' and the term wouldn't change at all if I tried to do a bilingual pun.
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"Gotcha, gotcha," Cat said, nodding. "You, uh... Got any advice you can share, or...?"
"Not really," I said, shaking my head. "Being a hero or adventurer or whatever- my only advice is don't. If you told me you wanted to do this? I'd ask if you've tried wanting something else. I'd tell you to sit down and wait for the feeling to pass. You, uh... don't have that option, do you?"
"Nope," Cat said. "Gotta say, that is not encouraging."
"Ah, don't listen to him, it'll be fine," Talia said from the kitchen, pulling a cold pot of leftover beef stew out of the fridge. "He's just a stick-in-the-mud when we aren't in the middle of an adventure. C'mon, Joseph, just teach her how to cast Wizard spells or fight with a sword or whatever."
"You're a Wizard?" Cat asked, still looking at me.
"Mhm," I said. "Good enough to teach others the absolute basics, although... You're gonna want a real teacher, sooner than later. But, whatever, we're at a university, we can figure something out. Before we start training you, though, I'm curious to know if there are any skills you do have, like playing an instrument, knowing how to fight, that sort of thing?"
"Uhhh... Well, I know how to play the guitar," Cat said. "I know a little music theory, too, so, hell, I could probably make a guitar if I can't find one. Y'all got guitars here?"
"We've got six-stringed musical instruments called guitars, yeah," Faith said. "They've got the neck with a bunch of metal frets along it, and you press down on the strings at the neck and strum above the body?"
"Yeah, like that," Cat said, nodding. "Yours might be strung or tuned different, but whatever, I can adapt. Y'all got a guitar here?"
"It's up in my room," Faith said.
"Wait, you can play the guitar?" I asked.
"...Not well," Faith admitted, before darting up the stairs.
"What's her deal?" Cat asked. "Why is it a surprise she owns a guitar?"
"She was a Paladin, for all of two months," I said. "I figured her whole skillset amounted to hurting people and breaking things, but... well, I guess I'm not always right. Anyhow, Cat, is playing guitar basically the only thing you've got besides the shit everyone learns in school?"
"Pretty much, yeah," Cat said, nodding. "Well... No, actually, my System did unlock a few illusion spells after I, uh, talked to Professor Takeda."
"...Okay, first of all, we know you and Professor Takeda had sex," I said. "More importantly, though: what the fuck do you mean, System?"
"Y'know, my character sheet?" Cat said, frowning and tilting her head in confusion, pursing her lips. "The thing that tells us what level we are, what class we are, what skills we have? Do y'all not have those?"
"No," I said. "At least, I don't."
"Huh. Does 'Seduction Skill Level 3' mean anything to you?"
"No, what the hell are you talking about?"
"It's a permanent Occult effect centered on her," Volex said. "It's that thing Professor Takeda was talking about- it empowers her when she acts within the bounds of a certain prescribed role. That role is likely what she means by 'class,' and the levels and skills are simply how the effect communicates the empowerment it's giving her, because she's familiar with the format from somewhere." Volex tilted her head to the side, before continuing. "And that 'somewhere' is from games that exist where she's from, but not here."
"...Interesting," I said quietly.
"Yeeeeah, by the way," Cat said, before coughing nervously. "I, uh... I mean, I didn't get to pick my class, but... well, I'm not mad about what I got, either? And, um... Well, long story short, I learn people's skills when I have sex with 'em."
"What counts as sex?" I asked.
"Huh? Uh... Shit, man, I don't know." Cat then looked at Volex, then at Talia, and then Emily. "But, uh... Well, I don't mind experimenting to find out, if the rest of y'all are cool with it."
A door shut upstairs, and Faith came down with a guitar in her hand. "Found it! It's out-of-tune, but..." She paused, looking at all of us. "...The hell happened in here?"
"Cat's biggest skill is sex magic and we have to have sex with her if we're going to get her ready for a dungeon crawl in just two weeks," I said.
"Hey now- well, hang on... Actually..." Cat hummed quietly, tilting her head to the side. "...Y'know what? I can see it."
I grimaced. "Cat, please tell me you're realizing you're bisexual. I am so fucking sick of lesbians looking at me and saying I'm such an effeminate and unmanly little elf that I might as well be a woman to them. I do understand there's a difference between me and the average human man, but that's more to do with the fact the average human man is a badly-socialized animal who struggles with the concept that women are people. Please stop deciding the fact that I know what soap is means I must secretly be a woman."
"He's touchy about it," Faith said, patting Cat's shoulder. "He'll get over it, just... Give it time."
"All y'all can eat shit," I muttered, looking away.
Why couldn't they just leave me alone?