What Little Remains Of Terpsichore Ironheart

"Helen!" Jason exclaimed. "What on earth are you-"

"Kiyoko Takeda had sex with my apprentice," Helen said, a bright blue glow gathering at her fingertips. "I was very, very clear in the hiring process that professors who had inappropriate relationships with students would not be tolerated, and yet, here she is, strutting around like she's done nothing wrong, about to move onto my grandson..."

"Like hell she was," I said flatly.

"Joseph-"

"Helen, I understand I'm young, but I assure you: I know what it looks like when an older woman wants to sleep with me." I gestured at Professor Takeda, who was starting to recover. "She's not that. She's just a Professor giving academic advice to a student in her field."

"Be that as it may, she still slept with a student, and-"

"I did no such thing," Professor Takeda said weakly, pushing herself upright. "I swear this on the stars in the sky and the fur on my tails."

"Bullshit," Helen said flatly. "You think my apprentice lied to me?"

"I think your apprentice is not a student," Professor Takeda said.

"...Oh, you insufferable little-"

"I explicitly have no power to discipline her without your approval, and even if she were to audit my classes, I would not be able to formally grade her," Professor Takeda said. "She may be here to learn, but she is no student, and I am not her teacher. There is, as such, no student-teacher relationship for me to violate, and no institutional power I can use to coerce her, and I have done nothing wrong."

"I mean, there's a solid argument to be made that you didn't break any rules," I said, "but I do feel like someone who's in the neighborhood of a thousand years old probably shouldn't be sleeping with a teenager. Assuming Helen's apprentice is a teenager, anyhow- if they're, like, twenty five, then whatever, they're old enough to own their bad decisions. But, like, that's more 'stern talking to' territory than 'attempted murder' territory."

"Joseph," Helen said, her eyes closed. "Do not undermine me in front of the faculty. I am already having a bad day as it is, and I do not need this."

"You absolutely need someone to talk you down from killing your faculty for spurious reasons," I said. "You've known Professor Takeda for a long time, haven't you? Does she really strike you as the sort of person who would only now turn out to be a sexual predator? Or are you willing to consider that, just maybe, she might have a good reason for doing this?"

"...Just what is motivating you to stick up for her?" Helen asked, turning to face me. "This is the first time you've ever met her."

"I don't need to know someone to defend them from a petty tyrant," I said dryly, before sighing and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Look, just... Go back to your office, have a cup of tea, and delegate this mess to someone else. Alright?"

"...Fine," Helen said. "Jason, you handle this mess. And you, young man, will come see me in my office once you're done meddling."

Helen disappeared, with a flash of blue light that was downright bombastic compared to Peregrine's. Either Peregrine was a better Wizard than she was, or he simply wasn't as egotistical.

"...Kiyoko, please stop antagonizing Helen," Jason said wearily. "There is only so long you can rely on the decency of freshmen students to vouch for your good character, and you cannot keep doing this forever."

"Oh, I very much can," Professor Takeda said, straightening up and brushing ashes off of herself, and suddenly looking just as whole and unharmed as she had been a few minutes ago. "I was never in any real danger. Besides, as this eighteen year old boy was somehow able to discern, I had a good and specific reason for what I did."

"Kiyoko..." Jason began.

"Can I ask what that reason is?" I said, because apparently I was the only Rosewood in a thousand miles who wasn't an imperious buffoon.

"Helen's apprentice is under a permanent Occult effect that empowers her greatly," Professor Takeda said. "The more she acts within a certain prescribed role, the stronger the effect grows, and the more empowered she becomes. And as it so happens, the specific role she has been assigned is empowered by sex, especially with particularly powerful women. As a professor of the Adventurer's Guild, it is my highest responsibility to see to the growth and development of our students, and ensure that they reach their full potential, even if that requires a few unorthodox methods for unorthodox students."

"...So, wait," Talia said. "You're saying that not having sex with Helen's apprentice would've been a bigger violation of your duties?"

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"More or less, although nobody else would blame me for that particular dereliction," Professor Takeda said. "I would, though."

"Well, uh... maybe arrange for this kind of thing to happen in ways that don't get you assaulted by Helen Rosewood?" I suggested.

"Oh, I have," Professor Takeda said easily. "I am very thorough, when it comes to the edification of my students. Now, run along, children. Helen is expecting you in her office, and I won't have you held up on my account."

"We aren't done discussing this," Jason warned her.

"Have fun with that," Talia said, grabbing my wrist and Faith's as she hustled off, eager to be rid of Jason's incredibly tedious tour.

---

"So, how was the tour?" Helen asked, as the four of us- Volex had retreated into her reliquary- filed into her office. "What do you think of the campus?"

"It was alright," Talia said, shrugging.

"It's hard to judge the quality of instruction from the architecture alone," I said, more diplomatically. "We won't be able to render an opinion on the University until after classes start; after all, this isn't a leisure resort."

"Reasonable enough," Helen said, nodding. "Right. Well, Joseph-"

"Do you think she knows we're here too?" Faith whispered to Talia.

"Quiet, brats," Helen snapped, her magic flaring into a silencing spell. "Now. You've already proven yourself quite capable with the King of Thieves affair, and as my grandson, I know I can trust you."

That was incredibly naive, considering I was raised by a woman who hated Helen, and I myself had publicly contradicted and opposed Helen ten minutes ago, but whatever. Helen was used to getting her way, and I'd just have to deal with it.

"What I need is for you to join my apprentice on a delve into The Abyss," Helen continued. "The objective she is pursuing is the retrieval of an old magic item I threw down there in frustration, years and years ago, that she'll need to complete the quest I'm training her up for. However, she's... well, she's green as they come, and as far as I can tell, isn't particularly impressive as far as teenagers go. Which brings us to your specific job: you have to make sure she not only survives the experience, but learns from it."

"Okay... And, uh. When do you need this done by?"

"Take today to prepare yourselves and my apprentice," Helen said. "You enter The Abyss tomorrow morning."

Emily tried and failed to speak up, the silencing spell having hit her too.

"I think my Healer is trying to say I can't do that," I said, watching Emily carefully- she nodded, so I was on the right track. "I got stabbed in the heart, yesterday, and while I will be fine soon enough, both she and the ghost of your father have said that I need to rest and recover for a little bit. Also, I came right up to the edge of mana burn yesterday, so I'm not really in a position to be doing any spellcasting today."

Helen considered this carefully... and then sighed.

"Fine," she said, shaking her head. "But you will be getting to know my apprentice while you recover. You, Healer girl, what's your prognosis on recovery time?"

"A week, maybe two," Emily said, once the silence spell was broken. "I'll keep you informed."

"Mmph. Fine. Emily, would you come out please?"

"I think I like women," Emily said.

"...What?" Helen asked, blinking.

"So this is Doctor Emily Redwater, licensed trauma surgeon of the Healer's Guild," I said, gesturing to Emily. "I was knighted as her guardian, and I sustained my wound in the course of my duties to her."

The door on the back wall of Helen's office opened up, and through it stepped another eighteen year old girl with dark skin and curly hair, who, from context, I could tell was also named Emily. She looked... Honestly, she looked like if Emily had joined the Paladins rather than the Healers. She was tall and well-muscled, with dark brown skin and pitch black hair, but with curves that I was reasonably certain did not belong on someone with that kind of muscle definition. She was also dressed like Faith, and also a bit like me, wearing a mildly worn pair of blue jeans and a plain white shirt- although unlike myself and Faith, she'd gone for one that was sleeveless, and also a much clingier fit on her frame.

"Emily's a stupid name," the girl said, walking into the office, a bit of Northern drawl coloring her voice. "I thought I told you I was changing it."

"Just... Introduce yourself," Helen said, shaking her head.

"My name," Helen's Apprentice began, "is Akua Sahelian, the Nameless Sorceress."

"How are you nameless if your name is Akua Sahelian?" I asked, fully aware of what she was doing, and fully intending to razz her berries about it.

"Wh- oh, fuck it, I ain't gotta explain shit," she muttered, looking away. "Whatever. Akua wasn't even black, anyway. Alright, I'm... Catherine Foundling, the Black Queen."

"It's awful presumptuous to declare yourself a Queen in a land that still has a monarchy," I pointed out. "I mean, Helen could probably do it, but that's because her dad was High King Lysander Rosewood, the longest-reigning monarch to walk this earth. Lysander says hi, by the way."

"He what," Helen said.

"Ugh, fine, if you backwater fucksticks don't get a reference to the best story ever written, then I won't even bother," she said. "Just call me Cat."

"Nice to meet you, Cat, my name is Joseph Ironheart."

"Oh bullshit," Cat protested. "You can't just make fun of me for making up a name and then drop that on the table!"

"That really is his name, though," Talia said. "His dad's name is Napoleon Ironheart, and Napoleon was named by a human Bard by the name of Terpsichore Ironheart."

"Also, 'Joseph' is hardly an outlandish name," I added, fully aware that wasn't the problem she had with my name. "Anyhow, this is Talia Jones, the freckly musclegirl is Faith Jones- no relation to Talia, it's just a common name- and the shy Healer with the pink hair is Lady Emily Redwater, who I am sworn to protect."

"...You're an asshole," Cat said bluntly.

"He got a concussion yesterday," Faith pointed out. "Cut him some slack. He's usually nicer."

"No, this is about the usual level of annoying I am to my peers," I said. "It means a lot to me that you're willing to defend me, Faith, but it's important that you understand that sometimes I'm an asshole on purpose because it's funny."

"I hate elves," Helen said, mostly to herself.

Yep, all was right with the world.