The Will-Breaker

It was mostly dark. They were in a garden or perhaps in the woods. As was usual in these memories, particularly the older ones, most of the details were unclear—blurry or completely absent. A young girl stood beside her, holding her hand. Based on just the feelings of the memory, the girl was around four or five years old, but the only clear part of her appearance was her fiery red hair.

ZandrueFelitïa picked a thin leaf from the plant beside them and handed it to the girl—Morstraime—who took it, but only looked at it.

"Go ahead," ZandrueFelitïa said, and made a chomping motion with her mouth.

The little girl put the leaf in her mouth and started to chew. A smile spread across her otherwise indistinct face.

"Good, isn't it?" ZandrueFelitïa picked another leaf and put it in her own mouth. The sweetness was intense, far more so than Felitïa would normally like, but this wasn't Felitïa. This was ZandrueFelitïa. No. FelitïaZandrue. No. Zandrue. Again no, not even Zandrue. Lacquaime. And Volgs loved sweet food.

"What is it?" Morstraime asked.

"Mum says it's called candyleaf," Lacquaime said. "Don't tell her I gave it to you. We're not supposed to pick the leaves."

"I want more," Morstraime said.

Lacquaime picked another leaf. "Just one more or Mum might notice it's missing leaves." She handed it to Morstraime, who eagerly popped it in her mouth.

There was no moment when the scenery changed, but somehow they were now in Elderaan's Mystic Palace. Morstraime was gone, but there were others present. The surroundings were clearer—closer to how Felitïa remembered the shop—but they were still imperfect and incomplete.

The herbs weren't here. Gods, she was going to fail and be punished. She had failed so many times.

Maybe she'd just missed them. This place had things from Ninifin. Those dimwitted Servants had told her that. It had to have the herbs. But the girl at the counter kept watching her. The old man had been watching her too before going upstairs. It would be better to leave, and come back when the place was closed and no one was here. She could search it more thoroughly then.

Damn. The girl was coming over to her.

The girl looked a lot like Felitïa looked now, not a teenager as she was then, but that was the way of memories, ZandrueFelitïa supposed.

The girl leaned against the shelves, adopting a sultry pose.

I did not do that! the part that was just Felitïa yelled.

"Hi! I'm Felitïa."

A name. She needed a name. The girl—Felitïa—had been talking to a boy about Zandromeda the Volg Killer. That would be a good ironic name to use. "Zandrue."

"Want to come to the New Year's celebrations with me?"

"Sorry, I'm going to be leaving town soon." The celebrations would be the perfect time to return. The place would be empty for hours. She'd have loads of time to find what she wanted. If the herbs were here.

"Oh, maybe we could something before you go? I'm sure we'd have a good time. If you know what I mean."

Oh, come on! I never said that! Did I?

Didn't you? Your intentions were very clear, whatever it was you said.

What do you mean? I was very subtle.

The part that was just Zandrue laughed.

"Sorry, I really better go." ZandrueFelitïa ducked out the door before the girl could say any more.

What if she couldn't find the herbs? There was so little time left. Even if she found them New Year's Eve, she wasn't likely to make it back in time. She couldn't go through another punishment. Not again.

She could just not go back. Pull a vanishing act and go hide somewhere. Become carcraime.

But then Morstraime would be tasked with hunting her down. She couldn't do that to Morstraime. Could she?

Maybe she could endure the punishments one more time. For Morstraime's sake.

These punishments. What were they?

You don't want to know. Please don't take me back to them.

I won't, though I don't know how much control I have.

I'll tell you about them when we're separate, when we can actually talk. With our mouths. I know I said there were no secrets left between us, but I kind of forgot the punishments. I try to never think of them. I'm successful most of the time.

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I suspect you're more in control of this than I am, and we haven't gone there yet.

There was just blackness now—no memories—and Felitïa separated from Zandrue.

How did she do that?

It wasn't entirely clear. She'd just sort of done it. Gods, she needed to improve her focus. Pay better attention.

The blackness pulsed with anger and fear—fear of the punishments, and anger at Felitïa.

I'm so sorry, Zandrue.

Don't be. It's not your fault.

You forget. I'm in your head. I know what you're feeling. I know you're angry at me.

So what if I am? I'm also capable of knowing when my anger is misplaced. It's not your fault.

Okay. I just want you to know that—

Drop it before my anger becomes justified.

Right. I'm going to shut the fuck up now, and find my way out so we can end this session.

Thank you.

Getting back out was always the hardest part. She had to avoid falling back into more memories, Zandrue's conscious thoughts, or even her unconscious ones. She had to focus on her own body and going back to it, but that was easier said than done.

Then she was back in the Room in her head.

Okay, that was surprisingly easy. How exactly had she done it? Could she repeat it? She'd have to find out next time.

She opened her eyes and let go of Zandrue's hands.

Zandrue sat there staring, a hint of tears in her eyes.

"Well done," Mikranasta said. "I think that went exceedingly well. You're obviously—"

Felitïa held up a hand to silence her. "Good in some ways, not others. Zandrue?"

Zandrue bit her lower lip. She was trembling. "I need some time. Come find me when she's not around." She glared at Mikranasta and stood up, heading to the east door just as Sinitïa came in.

"Hi Zandrue!"

"Out of my way." Zandrue pushed past Sinitïa and stormed out the door, slamming it behind her.

Sinitïa frowned. "I said, I'm sorry about Godran."

"It's not that, Sinitïa," Felitïa said. "She's just in a bad mood. It's my fault."

"It's just everybody seems to still be angry with me."

"I'm sure you're misunderstanding."

"Horaz is still angry."

"Yes, okay, but Godran was his valet for a long time. It's going to take him awhile."

Sinitïa sighed. "I guess so. Anyway, I was coming to tell you I'm going to go see Melly now. Anita says I have to have an escort, so Akna's going to take me, and she said I should ask you if you have any messages to send to anyone at the Hall of Knowledge."

Felitïa smiled. "Not really. Just tell Agernon I haven't made any more progress with the Pearl."

"Okay. I'll see you later." Sinitïa started to turn away.

"Actually," Felitïa said, "there's something else. Tell Agernon I want to try putting the Pearl in the Staff. He won't like that, so be prepared for him to be a little angry." Agernon was adamant that it was too dangerous to replace the Pearl in the Staff without understanding how they worked. He said he wasn't even sure which eye this Pearl was, and putting it in the wrong socket could prove disastrous. However, there were no other options left. Trying random command words could take forever. They had to do something else.

Sinitïa frowned. "Okay. I'll tell him." Then she grinned. "Would you like to come with me and tell him yourself?"

Felitïa chuckled. Sinitïa could be very perceptive about some things. "I wish I could, but I've got too much work to do. I have to write a letter to Cerus for one."

"I could help!"

"You have to go help Meleng."

"Yes, but if I help you write the letter, you'll finish faster. Then you can go with me to see Meleng and Agernon."

"When I'm done that, I have other things to do, including study the Pearl some more." Was she making excuses because she was as afraid of Agernon's response as Sinitïa? Maybe she should go.

Nin-Akna arrived at the east door. "Ready, Sinitïa?"

"Almost," Sinitïa said, and looked back to Felitïa. "Maybe I can help you with the Pearl."

"I don't think so."

"You've let lots of other people try. Why not me?"

Felitïa sighed. Sinitïa was right. She and Agernon had gotten other people to try using the Pearl, in case someone else could somehow manage it. After all, Dyle Aderman had been able to use it, suggesting anyone could if they knew how.

Felitïa fished out the Pearl from the pouch, stood up, and approached Sinitïa. "All right. But just a couple tries for now. You have to go help Meleng, but you can make some more tries another time."

Sinitïa beamed and took the Pearl. "What do I do?"

"We're not really sure. Best guess is, think about where you want to go. Then think of a word. Any word."

Sinitïa beamed some more and held up the Pearl in front of her face. "Anywhere I want to go?"

Felitïa nodded. "Anywhere, though it should probably be somewhere you know well and you know is safe. Like your room or something."

"I'll think about the Hall of Knowledge so Akna doesn't have to escort me."

"Great, and then think—"

Sinitïa and the Pearl vanished.