THE VOICE OF NOTHINGNESS

"Will you stay in the house ahead?"

When I realized I had arrived, I took a deep breath before opening the taxi door, then threw myself out. I waited in front of my grandfather's rather large and grand mansion for a while, trying to calm myself. Before entering through the garden gate, I kept repeating to myself that I needed to stand tall and firm. Sometimes, I couldn't understand how my grandfather lived in such luxury. He was a doctor and earned well, but his luxurious mansion, his various brand-new cars, even his own private jet, and to top it all off, the numerous men who worked for him — all of it puzzled me. While the pages of my grandfather's wealth remained shrouded in mystery, the question of whether he would accept me lingered in my mind. The best way to find out the answers to my questions was to live through them. I approached the door and rang the bell, and one of the servants opened it.

"Is my grandfather home?" The elderly woman, whose expression was devoid of the wrinkles that Botox had erased, seemed far from happy to see me.

"Well, yes, but…" Knowing where the conversation was going, I cut her off sharply and stepped inside.

"Good. Could you tell him I've arrived?"

I thought I should speak sharply, so I could prevent anything from happening. Despite her efforts to block me, I didn't back down. I would fight until the very end.

"Madam, please, I don't think the gentleman will accept you." He had to accept, I had nowhere else to go. After some struggle, I managed to get inside and began waiting in the entrance.

"Just tell him that I'm here." The fear on her face was undeniable. My grandfather, even as years passed, still spread fear around him. I used to wonder why people feared him, but now, I understood it all too well.

"Alright, ma'am."

I had managed to make her give in, but how would I make my grandfather accept me? While waiting for the servant, my eyes wandered to the large, majestic painting on the wall of the grand hall. When I saw my mother's portrait, my eyes filled with a yearning I couldn't control. But the picture wasn't of her wearing a headscarf, and that disturbed me deeply. She would never have allowed such a thing, and it felt like a huge disrespect to her memory. As I walked angrily towards the painting, I heard footsteps approaching. When the woman came downstairs, I could tell from her expression what had happened—my grandfather had rejected me again. I didn't want to give up; I had to face him. Taking advantage of the servant's absence, I hurried upstairs to his room. As I had guessed, he was sitting in his armchair reading the newspaper. When our eyes met, I studied his graying hair, his jet-black eyes, which, though green like mine, seemed to hold a deep hatred that constricted my throat. He didn't seem happy to see me, rather, his gaze filled with loathing seemed to choke me. I had to get to the point.

"Look, Grandpa, I know you don't want to see me, but…" He quickly got up from his armchair and waved his hand in the air a few times.

"Leyla, what is she doing here?" My task seemed impossible now. He might not accept me, but I had to fight till the end.

"Grandpa, listen, you have to hear me out. I'm in trouble…" I realized I was rowing against the tide. I searched his eyes for a glimmer of compassion, but there was none. He was getting angrier and wouldn't even let me finish my sentence.

"Leyla, who am I talking to? Take her away!" His servant, Leyla, came to drag me by my arm. She was so strong that I couldn't escape her grip. Realizing I had no other option, I quickly told him everything.

"The man who killed my parents is now after me. I've been attacked with guns twice and received a threatening letter. I can't go home. I have no one but you. I'm all alone, and I'm scared. Please, Grandpa, let me stay here. Please!"

As I spoke the last words, tears streamed down my face. It seemed my plea had no effect, as I didn't see even a flicker of compassion in his eyes. Helpless, I surrendered to my fate. Where was I supposed to go now?

"Leyla, prepare the guest room. She can stay for a few days." Did I hear that right? Was he talking about me? I hadn't expected this at all. I wanted to shout out in joy, but I couldn't express it outwardly.

"Thank you." Without even looking at me, he turned away, opened the balcony door, and stepped outside. He took a cigar from his pocket and lit it, sitting down on a chair and taking a deep drag. As much as I could empathize with him, I didn't know if I could ever do what he did. Silently, I walked to my room in the attic. As I climbed the stairs, I thought about how, if it were the past, I would have been so excited to climb these steps. He had agreed without hesitation when I wanted to make the terrace my room. His words still echoed in my ears, "Design it however you want, my beautiful granddaughter. Don't worry about money." A bittersweet smile spread across my face as I realized how far the past had faded. Putting everything else aside, the most important thing now was that I could stay here. I was safe. Feeling tired, I lay down on the bed in my clothes. I started thinking about what had happened and what was to come. Would I die like my parents? Would the man be caught? And if he was caught, would he go to prison? Remembering that day made me shiver. Shouldn't I be afraid of death? Isn't it strange? As much as I missed my parents and couldn't live without them, wouldn't death make more sense? What if I couldn't escape from that man, and if Furkan hadn't saved me? Maybe everything would be better. I would be with my parents again. Why would someone bring a stranger into their home? Was trusting so easy? It didn't seem normal to me, but there was no reason to doubt the situation. What was he doing right now? Had I left any mark in his mind? Did he wonder who I was and ask his mother about me? I was dying to know the answers to these questions. When the smile on my mind reminded me of him, I couldn't stop my lips from curving. Even though I couldn't see it, I felt my eyes shine. After everything that had happened, instead of worrying, thinking about Furkan and being happy felt so much better. It seemed like I would have a peaceful sleep tonight.

…

When I woke up, I checked the time on my phone—it was quite late. Feeling the growl of my stomach, I realized I needed to go to the kitchen. When I reached the kitchen, I found the woman, whose name was Mihriban, busy making coffee. I moved closer to the counter but didn't feel at home as I used to. There was always a hesitation in me.

"Excuse me… would it be a problem if I ate here?" I had become cautious of everyone's reactions in the house, never knowing when someone might make a snide remark or throw me out. What was strange was that everyone seemed to think they had the right to do so.

"Of course, dear. Please, go inside, and I'll prepare it right away." Her gentle voice surprised me. When I looked at her face, I realized I hadn't seen her before.

"You don't need to trouble yourself. I can prepare it and eat here." I didn't want to do anything that might draw my grandfather's attention.

"Don't be silly. Please go inside, and I'll prepare it."

Her sweet smile as she insisted warmed my heart.

"I don't think my grandfather wants to see me much, so it's better if I eat here."

She nodded with understanding, and I could see the compassion in her eyes.

"Actually, you're right. Please sit at the table, and I'll prepare it."

I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me; those who had caused my misery would pay for it.

"Alright, thank you for not making me feel like a burden."

"You're no trouble at all. I'll have it ready in no time."

I sat at the table, waiting. Before my parents died, the last time we visited my grandfather, my mother had been preparing food in this very kitchen. Despite having enough money, my mother didn't like servants. When we weren't home, cleaners would come and go. She didn't like them because she was so protective of my father, and they were so close that they couldn't be separated even when he died. My father wasn't someone who wouldn't be admired either—he was tall, dark, and handsome. Just like Furkan. He crossed my mind again. It seemed that the rest of my life would pass thinking about him and connecting everything to him.

"What are you thinking about, dear?" The woman's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"Ah, excuse me, did you call me?" Her warm smile remained on her face.

"You were lost in thought, dear. Your food will get cold."

Had she not spoken, I wouldn't have even noticed my food. I grabbed my fork and dipped it into the olives.

"Thank you, it's delicious." I quickly ate my meal and went to my room. Thankfully, I hadn't run into my grandfather. I wasn't sure if coming to this house was the right decision. I picked up my phone and sent a message to Büşra.

Sent: Büşra

How are you, sis…

She saw the message instantly.

Sent: Büşra

Oooo, are you alive, Merve?

Such a tease, always throwing in a jab.

Sent: Büşra

Don't even ask what happened to me…

With an incoming call from Büşra, my heart warmed. Knowing that she cared more about me than I did about myself made me feel better. After telling her everything, I hung up. She was returning tomorrow, and I wouldn't have to stay here any longer. I had slept so much that I wasn't tired at all. I was bored in the room. I decided the best thing would be to go to the garden. That way, I wouldn't run into my grandfather. When I stepped outside, I was met with an unpleasant surprise. My grandfather had put his book down and was staring at me. I knew that look well. Those hateful eyes again. I didn't understand. How could he hate me this much? This time, I wouldn't run away. I was done with that.

"Why are you looking at me like that? What did I do to you for you to treat me like an enemy?"

He raised his head, took a deep breath, and his hatred seemed to overflow.

"Go to your room!" He pointed at the door, shoving his hand toward it.

"No! What did I do wrong? You turned your back on me when I was at my loneliest. Now, when there's no one left in my life but you, I've lost you too. Fine, I said, your daughter's pain affected you terribly, but you hated me. Why? Why? I can't understand it. Why?"

He stood up angrily and walked toward me, stopping right in front of me and opening his eyes wider than possible.

"If you keep talking, these will be your last moments here." I was fed up with his threats, and I stood tall, continuing to speak.

"Fine! Kick me out, I don't care. I'm your granddaughter, a part of you, do you understand? You owe me an explanation, what did I do to you?"

His huge fingers wrapped around my throat. My eyes almost popped out from shock. He squeezed, neither tightening nor releasing.

"Shut up! You're nothing to me. You're the reason they're dead. Your mother and father's deaths are because of you. You idiot. Now pack your things and get out of this house!"

At that moment, my mind lost function, my heart stopped beating, and my tears poured down my cheeks in waves. Could I be the real cause? How could this be? Who would kill my family because of me?

"Are you still here? I said get out!"

I couldn't say anything. After everything, I didn't know what else could be said. I turned around and left, heading to my room to pack my things. My tears wouldn't stop flowing. I grabbed my suitcase and went out of the room. As I approached the door, I looked back one last time, unsure whether I should feel sad for my grandfather in the living room.

I opened the door and threw myself outside. I couldn't make sense of anything. Who could possibly have a problem with me? Why did they suddenly show up to kill me? As I walked, lost in these thoughts, the sound of a horn and the sudden glare of headlights froze me in my tracks. Ah, that painful sound! As always, I covered my ears with my hands and collapsed to the ground. My crying intensified. Did everything have to pile on at once? The person who got out of the car started shaking me.

"Are you okay?"

At the sound of a familiar voice, I opened my eyes. I never expected to see Emre standing in front of me.