The True Confessions of a Nine-Tailed Fox

The Ministry of Fate was very…orange. All its walls were painted the same blazing vermilion that screamed "Look at me! I have money for a custom paint job!"

At my stunned silence, Lady Fate's cat purred, "Isn't it magnificent? This is the only complex in Heaven painted this color. We have special authorization from the Jade Emperor to use it."

It certainly is a striking shade. No one could ever mistake the Ministry of Fate for any, lesser bureau.

Even though my voice betrayed no hint of sarcasm, Flicker glanced down at me anyway.

"Of course not," agreed the cat.

She preened on Flicker's shoulder as we passed through a set of crimson gates studded with gold stars and stopped on the edge of a vast courtyard. The paving stones were slabs of translucent white jade, so shiny that they reflected the blue sky and the orange walls like the surface of a still lake.

The gates banged open behind us. A god in robes embroidered with lotuses and willow branches and – skulls? – barged in. He shouldered past Flicker, nearly knocking him over, even though there was plenty of space on the walkway. The cat hissed and swiped at him.

"Commissioner!" called one of Lady Fate's cadaverous attendants, hurrying to intercept the god. "Commissioner! It is not your FATE to meet with Her Heavenly Ladyship today!"

The god whirled. A swarm of black flies engulfed the cadaver, buzzing and biting. "A plague on her moon blocks! I will see her, and I will see her now!"

"It is not your FATE to meet with her today, Heavenly Lord!" came the response from under the flies. "I urge you not to try her patience – "

A swarm of black rats with rabid red eyes burst from the Commissioner of Plague's fingertip and leaped onto the cadaver. The Goddess of Life's lieutenant stormed off the walkway onto the jade paving stones.

Kneeling by the heap of rats and flies, Flicker asked nervously, "Are you all right, sir? May I be of assistance?"

"He'll be fine," said the cat dismissively, and indeed, a withered, greenish-grey elbow jutted through the rats. The cadaver rose like a puppet pulled by a string attached to his elbow and brushed flies off himself.

"Thank you Regia," he said sarcastically to the cat before nodding at Flicker. "Thank you, but I am not FATED to require assistance just now. The Commissioner of Plague, on the other hand – "

His rotting lips split in a malicious grin, revealing a mouthful of sharp, broken teeth, and he jerked his head at the god. The Commissioner was still marching his righteous way across the courtyard, but halfway to the main hall in the center, he slipped. The paving stone that he stepped on looked no slicker than the rest, and yet, his foot slid forward and kept going until his leg arced up and flipped the rest of him into the air. He landed on his back with a thump that shook the ground.

The cadaver let out a shrill cackle. Regia licked her paw and smoothed her whiskers.

"Oooh," breathed Flicker.

I smirked. A little fall like that wasn't nearly hard enough to punish the god for murdering tens of thousands of innocent North Serican humans and for nearly killing Floridiana and Cornelius, but stars and demons, was it a good start! A shame they weren't here to see it.

"I will not be denied!" roared the Commissioner of Plague, red-faced. "I will speak to you!"

He fought to sit up, but his palms kept skidding every which way across the jade, and he ended up flat on his back with his slippers waving in the air once more.

"Not today you won't," purred Regia. She slanted her blue eyes at the cadaver. "Are you planning to dispatch him, or shall I?"

The cadaver bared his teeth and spread his skeletal hands. A pinky fell off. "He's all yours."

Regia crouched low on Flicker's shoulder, wiggled her rump, and launched with so much force that the star sprite staggered backwards. She soared over the courtyard and landed on the Commissioner's chest with all the force of Fate.

He tried to pry her off. "Can't breathe! Can't breathe!"

Sitting down smack in the center of his chest, she bent her head until her nose nearly touched his. "It is not your FATE to meet with her today. Now will you accept your destiny or not?"

I could swear I heard his ribs creak. His face went purple, and he scrabbled at her sides, straining to lift her off his chest. She set a dainty paw on his throat, and his eyes bulged out of their sockets. His palm frantically smacked the paving stone next to him.

"Ah, yes, I suppose you can't speak to answer me, can you?" she inquired, lifting her paw and cleaning between her toes. "There, better?"

The Commissioner nodded vigorously and wheezed something. Pausing mid-lick, Regia tilted her head to a side. "I didn't quite catch that."

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The Commissioner hacked up a mouthful of blood, seemed to think better of spitting it out, and swallowed as much of it as he could. "I – accept my FATE. I am not FATED to see her today."

"There! Isn't it so much easier when you accept your destiny?"

I saw no change in Regia, but the Commissioner sucked in a full, shaky breath. He warily braced his palms against the jade and, when they didn't slip, pushed himself into a sitting position. As his torso straightened up, Regia casually climbed up his chest onto his shoulder. She rode it as he slunk back towards us. Flicker hastily knelt so he could pretend he hadn't witnessed the god's humiliation, and I hid inside his collar. When the Commissioner drew level with us, Regia leaped back onto Flicker's shoulder.

The cadaver pointed at a fly. "Please do not forget to take these with you, sir."

Purple with rage, the Commissioner of Plague opened and clenched a fist, and the swarm vanished back into his fingers. The gates slammed shut behind him.

"Good riddance," Regia remarked.

"He'll be back," said the cadaver.

"Not today, he won't. Today is Flicker and Piri's turn to meet her." That was Flicker's cue to strike out boldly across the courtyard for the main hall. When he hesitated, Regia swished her tail. "She's in the main hall. I wouldn't keep her waiting if I were you. Or are you a scaredy-cat?"

Since Flicker couldn't seem to find a response, I stepped in. Of course not. He was simply struck dumb by the magnificence of the Ministry of Fate and needed a moment to appreciate the view. If you've caught your breath, Flicker?

The clerk gulped, but he straightened his spine, gathered his robes, and eased his right foot onto a paving stone as if it would transform into a swamp and swallow us whole. I patted his shoulder with half of myself, and he worked up the courage to add his left foot too. Nothing happened. I felt his pulse thrumming in the side of his neck, but I couldn't whisper reassurances to him without Regia hearing.

"You are FATED to meet with her today," proclaimed the cat. "Without delay."

And a very great honor it is too, I replied smoothly. Isn't it, Flicker? To be granted the privilege of seeing the inside of Lady Fate's main hall?

At my prompting, Flicker swallowed hard and lifted his right foot. He wiggled it when he set it down, but it didn't slip. Gaining confidence, he moved his left foot forward, then his right again, then his left. In this way, we advanced step by measured step to the base of the ramp that led up to the main hall.

"Not there." Regia's rebuke was sharp. "The ramp is for Lady Fate's palanquin alone. Take the stairs." She pointed her ears at the white jade steps on either side of the ramp. "You should know better, clerk."

Flicker's cheeks flushed as he jumped back from the ramp and sidestepped to the stairs. "Ah, yes, I beg your pardon. Thank you for reminding me."

"I am aware that you do not often visit other Bureaux on official business, but do try to recall the proper protocol."

At the reference to his, ahem, unofficial visits to Aurelia at the Bureau of the Sky, Flicker's ears turned as vermilion as the walls.

Flicker has perfect recall of all the rules and regulations of Heaven, I informed the cat. It's not every day that one is granted the honor of meeting so august a goddess in so hallowed a place, so he can be forgiven if the details escape him just now.

"Hmph," was all Regia said, but she did stop needling him.

At the top of the stairs, we had to cross yet another blindingly white jade expanse. Flicker walked briskly this time, mindful of the goddess who was waiting for us, until we came to the front of the building. The entire wall was constructed of panels painted vermilion with bright blue and gold trim. Carved grills let in fresh air, but the contrast between the brightness of the courtyard and the darkness of the hall meant that I couldn't see a thing through the holes.

Regia ribboned off Flicker's shoulder, padded up to the closest panel, stood on her hind legs, and raked her claws down the wood. Her claws incised eight parallel lines through the paint, all the way down to bare wood. She let out a plaintive squeak, much like the one Boot had used on the baker's apprentice. Although I didn't hear any command from within, the panel rotated sideways, opening on its own. Regia cleared the foot-and-a-half-high threshold with one bound and vanished without a backwards glance.

The darkness within the main hall seemed to devour the light that fell through the opening. I still couldn't see anything inside.

Are you okay? I whispered to Flicker, who wasn't budging.

"Yes," he whispered back. "Just reviewing protocol."

Without warning, he sank to his knees and prostrated himself before the threshold three times. I copied him, sliding down his arm to pool on the cold jade and raise and lower half of myself in time to his genuflections. He held out a hand to me, palm up. I rolled onto it, and he stood.

"Here we go," he muttered.

Onward, I agreed, plopping onto his shoulder once more.

He gathered his robes up to the knee and stepped over the threshold, wobbling a little. As soon as both soles touched the floor inside, he sank into another set of genuflections. I followed suit. On the third prostration, he held the pose, so I flattened myself across the floor – polished wood, red cypress to judge from the fragrance – and waited too.

My soul's glow didn't do a thing to illuminate the darkness. I suspected that was symbolic – designed to represent how the rest of us were mere babes stumbling around blindly while Lady Fate alone saw clearly. I didn't like it.

And I'd bet the Commissioner of Plague felt the same way.

"Welcome to the Ministry of Fate, Flos Piri, Flicker." Lady Fate's voice enveloped us, booming from every direction at once. "You may raise your heads."

Flicker immediately switched to a kneeling position, though he kept his eyes cast down. Since I had no eyes and, indeed, no features at all to betray where I was looking, I floated off the floor and hovered next to his head.

A soft, pearlescent glow appeared high above us. The darkness gave way to deep blue, and thousands of pinpricks of light winked to life like stars. Two were brighter than the rest and focused on us.

"I know what you have done. I have seen your efforts on Earth to establish Eldon on his throne."

Lady Fate's voice seemed to issue from all the stars and all the spaces between the stars, to reverberate through the sky and to echo through us. Flicker's body vibrated, and I trembled in spite of myself.

Do not let her impress you, I exhorted myself. I, too, know who and what she is and what she has done. I will not let this – this superb stagecraft overawe me.

Stagecraft. Floridiana. Yes. Think of Floridiana, and Dusty, and Den, and the rest of our friends, and all the times we pulled off fancy shows to manipulate our audiences. This was no different. I just happened to be on the receiving end this time.

Great goddess, I said out loud, you do me too much honor.

"Do I?" A line of stars curved into the Bow constellation. "Did I say I was impressed by what I saw?"