The Love They Never Had

"Where is the Young Master now?" "Congratulations on becoming concubine, Mistress." "I asked you, where is he? I wanted us to have lunch together." "He came home from the palace..." "Really? Did he come home? Just for me? So where is he then? Where?" "He is having lunch with the cousin and discussing managing the household since she is quite young." "What do you mean?" "Only the bride of the household can fulfil this duty...mistress? Are you ok?" "I have been looking for that book since the moment I moved here, and she got it just like that? The Young Master trusts an orphan for a job like that!" "Mistress, calm down. You have only been promoted to concubine for less than a single day, and you have made too many mistakes in the past. You need to make up for that first." "And I was going to, through managing the household!" "But your errors have been made through that subject, the Young Master will not grant you that duty yet." "So what do you suggest that I do?" "You have to get pregnant first. Isn't that what happened last night?" There was not a single rebuttal that I could come up with for that. Absolutely nobody knew what I had to do last night to get this promotion and I will go to my grave keeping this humiliating secret.

"Mistress, it looks like he has sent some gifts over to you. Oh my he has even given you a brocade dress and shoes to match!" "Really? But hang on a minute, what is this flower they have decorated on it? I think that I have seen it somewhere before..." "this is a morning glory flower, known as 'the face of eventide.' Our previous Young Mistress threw a fit when she saw this flower on her brocade dress." "But why?" This flower blooms only at dawn and it withers the very next day before even seeing the sunlight." "Quiet! You are not allowed to utter such inauspicious words again! This must be the work of the cousin, who is jealous about my new position! How dare she offer me such an expensive dress with ill-fated flowers! Tear it up on the spot and burn it!" "Mistress! It is very expensive! And you know the Nam's like to keep their reputation in tact! If this gets out, it will make you look very bad indeed!" "Are you saying I should wear it instead!" "You should reward it to somebody worthy of it, to show off your generosity." "Very well, gift the entire outfit to her, so it will mark a place in the Young Master's heart forever."

********************

He wouldn't leave my quarters. Apparently, his father would be returning home tomorrow and he said that we had a lot to discuss. And on top of that, he actually put me to work by making me make lunch for us both instead of just ordering his servants to do it. I only planned to treat him occasionally, but it looked like he really liked my cooking a lot. Although I was pleasantly surprised like this, it didn't take long for the rest of the household to realise that I was also keeping a close eye on the new maids with the Young Master present so nobody could mess up their work. So probably the first time in a while, I was able to experience a peaceful life in a noble home and honestly, it wasn't so bad after all. I could find the time to appreciate the beauty of this home and not find the luxurious and inn-ornate items to be too much.

"Young Mistress, our mistress would like to present you with this brocade outfit with matching shoes." I didn't even have to turn around and look at what she was trying to gift me, I could already tell that she was the superstitious kind a long time ago. So I answered her whilst simultaneously cooking this meal. "I thank your mistress for this gift. But unfortunately, my sign clashes with this particular shu brocade, I can accept the shoes since they will be beneath me, but not the dress." "Not even by my Mistress? Are you trying to shun her?" "Is your Mistress likewise trying to cause me harm by gifting me something that clashes with my name and sign?" "Indeed you are in high favour now, so you will not look at gifts who come from anyone else but the Young Master. Upstanding people should have no fear of spirits, my lady's blessings will also protect you." "Is that so? Then I wonder why by law that it is illegitimate noble woman who become concubines and maids are a personal choice? Now if you please, the Young Master would like to have his lunch soon after a long day at work. You are dismissed."

I barely made it back to my quarters where I saw that Seon-Ho had fallen asleep on my bed just as he made me slave away in the kitchen for him. But of course, he wasn't alone; he concubine had made herself at home here and she wasn't shy about looking through my wardrobes and chests as if I had something to hide. "I hear that you have been promoted to concubine. Congratulations. Do you see anything that you like?" "Thank you very much, and you are right, there are quite a lot of things that I like here." "Even after the Young Master has award you with a brocade outfit?" "I quite clearly remember gifting that to you...." "And I just returned it back to you for reasons under Confucius laws. You see, what you like may not be what suits you best. You're brocade for example, suits you best as a woman who has more freedom that I do to show it off at your leisure, especially at the next family banquet." "Family banquet? What are you talking about?" "Are you unaware?" "I do not..." "and the cloud on my dress that you are holding onto; it looks very simple and beautiful. But it does not suit your domineering personality, so it really is a little bit of a mismatch, right?" "You..." "However, it can look rather elegant on a woman with a mild temper. Just wearing whatever you want can make you look like a laughing stock." "You Bi..." "What is going on here? Can I not even get some peace and quiet for a few moments? What are you doing here? And why are you looking at my cousin's wardrobe, especially after I have granted you a rather expensive shu brocade outfit? How ungrateful and indecent of you." "Young Master, I..." "I promote you and this is how you repay me? In less than a day, you already have your sights on my cousin's quarters?" "But I deserve to live here!" "And how did you come up with that conclusion?" "Because...of my promotion..." "Let me make something very clear to you right now. These quarters that you are standing in belong to my mother. My dead mother. And I will never, ever in my entire life lend this place to anyone other than Yeon, who is my family." "Young Master, forgive me, I..." "Do you know what your fault is? You still cannot tell the difference between superiority and inferiority. You are a concubine now, but Yeon is my flesh and blood, she is above you in every way possible despite her own flaws that are well out of her control. Who are you to take from her? You offend your superiors time and time again, you make a mess for me to clean up each and every time you open your mouth and I am sick and tired of it." "Young Master?" "Go outside and kneel for two hours whilst I eat in peace and finish up my meeting with my cousin. Go now!"

Never in all of my time here had I witnessed Seon-Ho being so angry and upset like this, it was as if he was locked in a trance of pure fury. I then had no choice but to go up to him and place my arms on his and lead him back to the table where the food was already getting cold. But something happened again that I just could not explain; instead of pushing me away or scolding me for touching him, he reached out and grabbed my hand as soon as I sat him down and walked away. I was only going to bring a cushion for myself to sit on, but he held me so tightly that I could not even take a single step forward. And he was shaking, pretty badly, just like he always did when he was forced to talk to about his mother, whom he supposedly hated. So I had no choice once again to just simply sit next to him and just place my hand onto his as gently as I could, only for a few moments to help calm him down. "You eat your food quietly, and I will go over these for you..." No sooner had I started speaking, he pushed my hand away in almost a fearful manner before he started shoving mouthfuls of food down his throat blindly. But his eyes were scattered all around the room, as if he was desperate to find any traces of his mother to hold onto in that moment. And I felt completely hopeless; I had no idea how to comfort him since I held no memories of him or his mother. The only thing I could possibly do was to lay behind him, allowing both of our backs to touch and rest against each other as I carried on with my reports and predictions.

"The senior maids are still up to their tricks and trying to take as many people under their wings as possible though vices such as drinking and gambling. They are already as close as sisters to each other in less than a week. The junior maids keep praising them for their generosity, and feel like they all owe them their safety amongst the bullying between ranks. But at the same time, we cannot just hit, scold or drive them away ourselves." "Keep going after the concubine and we will get the results that we want soon." "Yes, Young Master."

Nam Seon-Ho, who exactly are you? A scared and lonely little boy in a grown man's body? A man who is so used to isolation that he does not restrain himself emotionally? He was both intelligent and yet vulnerable, he was sharp and impulsive, handsome but a hothead with so many bud ends on his shoulders that it was weighing him down. Tall, muscular, a good soldier, a true warrior who was dedicated to his training but why? Why was this man such a huge target for everyone in this village? He wasn't even spared in his own family, how could he possibly live up to his potential in the palace? He must be having such a hard time there as well. But it was also like he was constantly punishing himself by testing other's and just waiting to find an excuse not to trust them. How could anyone possibly live such a desolate and dilapidated life? How can someone so pure in thought survive like this? What came next after he dismissed the maids? How would he rebel against his father? Should I...do something about it? As an illegitimate son, if he so much as went against his father's orders, he could be put to death for it and everyone knew it. And it seemed like I was the only person he felt comfortable around, even if he did try to deny it sometimes. Besides, what plans could I rely on? Was I going to stay here forever? Was Seon-Ho going to leave me here after he fought against his father? I couldn't possibly expect him to take care of me solely on his own...

"Do not worry about it." "Excuse me?" "I can see what you are worrying about just by looking at your face." Why did have to blush now of all times? I couldn't even look him in the eyes. "I do not understand..." "There is no need to act coy about it. You are coming with me no matter where I end up. You are the only person in my life that I will never abandon."

As soon as those words left his lips, it was as if time stood still and he was all that I could see. This man had no rights, he barely made his own money and he wasn't well cared for at all, but he took such good care of me. Just a few words from him gave me such comfort as I had never felt before, and yet I was helpless to do the same thing for him without crossing the invisible line between us. I wanted to comfort him, to heal him and stay by his side for as long as he would let me. But how could I accomplish any of those things if I didn't regain my memories?