The Love They Never Had

The war was now set between us and I was determined to be the victor, no matter what it would cost me. But in order to win, I needed money, and I knew the only person who was willing to help me, even though I swore that I would never see him again. My previous Master was every stereotype that once could think of being for an illegitimate bastard son, which in turn was the complete opposite of what the Young Master Nam was. My last master was a womaniser and a drunkard who was a constant disappointment to his family, which I found out rather quickly after giving myself to him. It was the only way that I could level up to Chun-Ae before the Young Master's cousin finished her off before I could even do anything to her. But he was the one who ultimately sent me here, to finish off the only bastard in this village who had the guts to actually hold a position in the place, even as a general inspector. At first, it was my job to pass intel to him but as soon as I had started to observe the Young Master, I really didn't want to do that at all. He was handsome, he had potential to make something of himself and he could be very successful if only his father would give him a break. The very last thing that I wanted to do was to betray him, but if he wasn't wiling to give me a chance at all, then I too would have no choice but to do what I had been sent out to do.

"I need you to send a note to the Young Master in person..." "Mistress, we have no more key to bribe any servant here, and they are all vigilant after the cousins's constant warnings. Prestige is an honour that you have not had the time to put into play..." "that was because I was busy trying to learn how to become literate! Day after day I spend inside my quarters trying to learn, but it is difficult without a tutor! And I do not even have the money to hire one!" "If people will not help us then we have no way out of this, if you do not reward anyone, no-one will be willing to work for you." "Going back to him every single time that I need help is not a solution at all! I need to win over young master Nam and soon, before I go broke."

In hindsight, I should have looked at my surroundings before I said anything at all. Who knew that the Young Master himself would be just a few feet away outside of the quarters that I was desperate to obtain with a face on him that I just could not read no matter how had I had tried. And he was just constantly staring at it, like he was expecting something to happen. "Young Master? I know that I have made mistakes in the past, but please, beg of you. Give me a real chance...." "A chance for what?" "To have a future of my own. All I want from you...is a child..." "You want me to sire an illegitimate child? After everything I have been been through in my past? And currently? What about the future?" "Then we could get married. Please, give me a chance to prove myself to you and in return, please give me a child to fill my passing days with hope." "Let me make this clear to you in case you haven't gotten a hold of the situation already. I have already found someone to spend the rest of my life with. My life and my heart already belong to her. Even if she rejects me, I will no suddenly become a reckless womaniser." "But why? Why do other women have chances and I do not? Men are allowed to have more than one woman..." "and it is exactly because of this rule that creates this mess between legitimate and illegitimate children. Yes, I can give you a child anytime that I like. But what you truly want, I cannot give it to you." "But why?" "Desires grow in a human when they get what they want, and eventually you will want more. Today, you can stand here in the cold and wait for me like this to beg me. So what about when you decide that you want something more?" "Because I like you! I really do!" "Nobody in this village likes me, so why do you? You will not get any benefits from me." "Please just grant me a little bit of your time and affection! Is it really that difficult!" "Since I cannot give you what you want, it is better to cut off your infatuation now."

"But I can help you! I mean it!" "How? Hasn't my neighbour sent you here to gather information about me?" "No! I am sincere My Lord! And I can prove it!" "How?" "I will spy on him for you. And in return, I want your time." "Very well, do you have anything to tell me now? And piece of information?" "I will tell you...if you invite me inside of your quarters. Please."

Just as I had suspected, the Young Master's quarters had been heavily neglected. He didn't have even have the luxury and expensive items that my previous Young Master had. His room was freezing cold, but it looked like he was used to it since he wasn't saying anything about it at all. But when I had turned around to face him, his father was already at his side and ready to listen. So I had no choice but to go ahead with revealing the family secrets if I wanted a place in this household.

"Well? We are all listening." "The Master has places for people who want to become officials, if they can pay a high enough price for it." "So he has his own people at court, just as I had suspected. But do you have any proof of this?" "I have evidence of how they get rid of their enemies." "Are you sure?" "I can give it to you. But for that to happen, we need to have the family in our sights and keep them distracted." "Very well, I shall try to organise another banquet if I can and as soon as possible. With this, we can nail this family for taking bribes and..." "and the prince that supports them. Very well father, and I will continue with your orders as a general inspector."

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I have no knowledge of what happened last night, but I could only assume that it had something to do with the gifts that I had been sent recently by the Young Master for my hard work with the servants. But I already knew that this would happen, so I had no ill-will to the maid. In fact, I was rather grateful that she would give me some peace in the next coming days and allow me to continue managing the household for the Young Master. But I also had to admit that I was already rather weary with the various pairs of eyes that were planted in my direction. And who knows? Even I could fall victim to these games if I wasn't constantly as vigil as I was now. There was truly no escape for mw when I am front and centre.

I was just about to get out of bed when my servant had brought in some pastries that were sent to me by the new concubine. Apparently, this dessert was infamous in the palace, so I was not surprised that the Master Nam would go this far to copy the royal family. But I was beginning to live on my nerves now. And fear was not enough to deal with this unpredictable life within the higher class, and I could not and did not want to do this any longer. I wanted this girl gone and her master punished for how he treated both myself and Seon-Ho in our past. As for obtaining Seon-Ho's favour, I really wasn't sure about it at all. Yes, it would help me with my survival here, but what else? Wouldn't I just be using him as everyone else did? Just for survival? Would I also have to attach myself to him and suck him dry like everyone else did? And become one of his burdens? No, as soon as I dealt with the neighbour who was a part of my past, I was sure that would do more to attract the attention from the outside world so somebody could recognise me and help me. Holding a high position in this place would be frown upon, and holding a lower place would allow anyone and everyone to trample me like everyone did to Chun-Ae in her final moments...

I was in the middle of having my lunch and going over the maid reports when Seon-Ho apparently came back from the palace earlier as usual and he made his way into my quarters without so much as asking first. I did not know how to approach him after yesterday, so I decided to just keep my head buried in my book until he approached me first.

"Do you always busy yourself this way when you have guests over?" "We still have many spies over from the neighbouring manor young master, and I do not like it. The senior maids are not easy to deal with either; when they are idle, they will go around and as far too many questions about this manor. I have to find a way to drive them away as soon as possible. And before you say anything, you cannot just kick her out. You would be seen as oppressing the weak and elderly. And now more than ever you need to build up your reputation and not make it worse over trivial spies like these ones." "I will lend you some men them to keep watch for you." "You are being attacked at all angles; you have old and crazy maids on one hand and young seductive ones on the other hand. They must think that you are as bad and desperate as their own son is...what? Why are you looking at me like that?" "So you do not think that I am bad and desperate? Like other illegitimate bastards who forever try to gain their father's approval?" "You...." "Yes?" "...are nothing like the others who are useless and are riddled with daddy issues. You are well-aware of your father's character and you know what you need to do to survive and go back to your rightful place...as the only son of this household, no matter if you are legitimate or not. But in this case, you are still just temporarily avoiding a crises and are not dealing with it properly." "What do you mean?" "Have you really considered all angles?" "What are you talking about?" "Filial piety." "How? I am not related to my neighbours." "They are still your elders. If you just dispose of these new servants all at once, you will still be accused of not cultivating private morality and not being respectful to them under Confucius laws." "You really are quite thorough aren't you?" "Young Master?" "Yes?" "I want to ask you something." "Go on?" "I want to know everything about your neighbouring family. Everything that you can tell me." "Why?" "It will accelerate our plans a lot quicker." "Are you already exhausted?" "I...want to find myself again in the absence of my memories. My hobbies, my interests and my skills. To keep myself entertained." "The concubine has just hired a tutor recently, I will have you attend her lessons as well. But that maybe all I can do for you..." "...under the nose of your father?" "Forgive me Yeon." "Do not apologise brother, you are already doing far too much for a lowly person like me. I am grateful to you, you know that I am."