The Love They Never Had

I couldn't help but to make myself at home in his quarters, it just wasn't the same without Seon-Ho being at home and humouring me in his spare time. I still had no memories of the extremely handsome man who kept taking care of me, and I did try to be formal in my etiquette around him. But there was just something about him that made me drop my guard and just be myself around him. I could be carefree, I could be spoilt, I could be childish and he would just laugh at me all day long, as if I was his only source of entertainment. And I had to say, seeing him smile was a rare treat, when he wasn't moping around and isolating himself on purpose that was. There was something that was eating that man up inside and I had no idea what is was, but it wasn't my place to ask. Yet. But I have been beginning to fee as if there was something that I had forgotten in my memories that bonded myself and the Young Master into a family. But because of his father's strong dislike for me, I knew that it wasn't the young master's fault, I really could not help but to feel abandoned in a sense, and it was making me do everything I could to rebel and start my own life instead of just being locked up all of the time and everyone around me treating me like I was less of a person when they didn't know me at all. So as soon as the Nam men set off for war and as much as it pained me to think I might never see the Young Master again, I was hell bent on reinventing myself and going against the Confucius laws that oppressed women so badly that we were seen as nothing more than baby-producing animals that were sold off to the highest bidder and nothing more. Who was to say that women were good for nothing more than marriage? If we wanted to be educated, what exactly was stopping us? If we wanted to earn money, who said that we couldn't? I wasn't even noble by birth so why was I dressed in these expensive clothing layer after layer when there were all sorts of people like the young master who were talented but couldn't even hope to have dreams that could change their lives. And then there were lowlives like Nam Jeon who did not hesitate to ruin other people's lives to climb up the social rank and create more chaos to keep his pockets full and his name on everybody's lips.

As far as I knew, Nam-Jeon used to work in the Royal Stables...god knows what he did to rise in the Emperor's court as a part of the Privy Council, and I didn't want to know. But the fact that he started out with the same social background as me, but he had the nerve to despise me? To treat me like litter just as I had lost all of my memories? And to treat his son worse than a dog? I understood as a parent it must not have been easy for him to lose his child...but to treat the only other living one he had like a puppet? It was all too much, just who the hell did this man think he was? He lorded himself around the village in his sedan chair like he was part of the Imperial Royal Family themselves...the whole thing was just too hypocritical to bare...but I also had to take in the man who saved me into account. It was clear as day that he wasn't going to let anything happen to me. I did not understand or remember why he was so protective over me...but I was grateful to him nonetheless. He saved my life, so now it was time to repay the debt I owed him even if it had just been a few months since I had found myself here.

So I had taken my time to careful observe my new surroundings and the people in it, and I more or less an idea of what his plans were, in terms of the servants and the new maids at least. And why wouldn't I help him, after everything that he had done for me? "But you really do look a lot like the young woman who used to chase after her brother's but friend. She was also epileptic just like you..." That sentence that the maid uttered kept coming up in my mind every so often, and it was really starting to disturb me a little bit. Why would she say that? Unless she was deliberately trying to play tricks with me just because the Young Master much preferred to be in my company rather than her's. Yes, that had to be it. She just wanted to sow discord between us so she could have him to herself. They were not even married for goodness sake; there were no signed contracts, Master Nam seemed to despise her more than he did me, and there was something else that the Young Master didn't know about, something I had found out about her during his war absence. I was just waiting for the right time to tell him. And in the meantime, I put myself in charge of dinner tonight so I could treat the Young Master to the meal on his first day of work. But it also looked like somebody else had the exact same idea when I had one of my new servants run up to me in a panic over a fight that had broken out in the kitchens of all places.

"What do you think you are doing? Let me go!" "Don't even think about meddling, you simple little fool!" "I told you to let me go!" "Just who do you think you are to give me orders you little lowlife commoner! You do not pay me! I do not have to listen to you at all!" One of the new servants was being cornered by a girl that served the so-called future concubine, and I could already tell what was going on. It was this servant in particular who I used to share my ideas with since I knew that Nam-Jeon would most likely murder me if he knew that I was in charge of the managing the household. And it was this servant who had won over both of the Nam's and had elevated her status, and rightfully so. She was only doing her job and she hadn't made a single mistake, at all.

"Where are you going? I already told you...!" I really had no idea what overcame me, but I soon overthrow this woman and I managed to slap her to the ground. In fact, I slapped her so hard that she elbowed the entire dinner service onto the floor, causing outrage from the other servants who had just spent hours slaving away at the Nam's last meal in this house before they were to depart. I didn't even have time to process that I had committed a moral sin by harming someone who was older than me before the entire kitchen erupted into chaos, and everyone was coming for the both of us.

"What have you done! We all just spent hours trying to make this meal perfect and you..." "It wasn't me! The epileptic brat was the one who pushed me down! It wasn't my fault!" "If you hadn't provoked her, then this would have never had happened!" "Don't act so innocent, we all know how jealous your Mistress is of the Young Mistress since she knew the Young Master since childhood and was closer to him than you could ever be!" "The Young Mistress! What Young Mistress! I see no Young Mistress here! She is just a commoner..." "But she is a free woman, unlike us slaves. And the Young Master specifically told us that we have to serve her! Don''t you remember? That was the first time that he even addressed us in all of the years that he has been here."

That statement really did catch me off guard just as I was about to sneak out of the kitchen quietly. Did the young master really do that? Just for me? He kept me as such a distance and yet he was really going above and beyond to make sure that I felt safe with him...

"What are you saying? He only did that because he was forced too..." "Oh will you stop denying it! Look at the mess you have caused because of your one-sided crush on the Young Master! Now what will we say to them when they are clearly expecting to be fed!" "I..."

"Just what the hell is going on in here! Why is there so much noise! And what...is that on the floor! That had better not be the dinner I told you to prepare for myself and the guests that are making their way over to my home in a few hours?" "I....Master, I..." "Men! Come and whip every single servant in this kitchen! And you...just what are you doing in here?" "I...I only came here for...a glass of water..." "Your place is in your quarters. If you need something, you ask for it whilst you stay in the room that you are staying in for free." I had no idea what this man's problem was, but I had already lost my respect for him a long time ago and I wasn't going to let him intimidate me no matter what the circumstances between us were. If he didn't want me living under his roof and eating his food, all he had to do was to tell me so and I could leave in less than ten minutes. If it wasn't for the Young Master, I would have already put this old and insecure man in his place, but seeing that the Young Master hasn't escaped from his grasp yet, I assumed that there was a reason why he was putting up with all of this torture. So I could only sigh internally and bite my tongue as I dropped my head and nodded as if I was every other submissive and naive little girl around me.

I barely had time to respond however, before the Young Master came out of nowhere and instantly appeared in front of me, even though he was shaking with a bleeding bruise on his forehead. I could feel myself quiver quietly in anger and I almost lost myself again. But before I could openly mouth, the Young Master had actually placed his hand over mine and squeezed it tightly, so much so that he was actually digging his nails into my skin. I didn't know whether I should have screamed or cried out aloud, but I couldn't help but notice that he was still shaking, so I made a choice not to say anything at all. "My Lord! You promised me! You told me that you wouldn't touch her!" "Get out of the way!" "My Lord! Do not loose sight for your ambition over a moment of anger!"

I had no idea what that meant, but it seemed to knock some sense into his father as his face returned to his normal colour and he just walked away in anger, leaving both of us quaking where we stood whilst everyone around us was being pulled outside for their punishments.

*********************

"Brother..." I was still reeling from what I had just been through in less than than twenty minutes when I had collapsed onto the floor of the kitchen right next to where our dinner had landed. I was so out of it with fear that I didn't even notice that Yeonnie was holding onto me for support until I felt her long hair tickle the side of my face. I had never felt anything like it for the longest time and for the first time, my memories took me back to my days as a child where I used to sleep next to my mother and play with her hair until she woke up to feed me. That was one of my most precious memories back then, it was a rare time of the day where I didn't have to worry about anything and anyone. I could just hold onto my mother to my heart's content to bury myself in the only source of warmth I had back then, even if she had little to give me. But she was the only woman who loved me and cared for me, and therefore she was my entire world, until the day she abandoned me for good...

"...Brother? Are you ok? I'm so sorry, I just..." "Just give me a second Yeon." I muttered as I tried to catch my breathe, although I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from the parts of my body that Yeon was touching so freely despite her loosing all of her memories about me. "Tell me everything that happened." "I...that girl who serves you, she just..." "Created a scene out of nowhere, right? Did she hurt you?" "Ah, no she didn't, I...what are you doing?" "You were never a good liar Yeonna, you could never do it even if you had all the reasons in the world to do so." "Where we really that close to each other? Before I lost my memories?" I instantly regretted bringing that up just as she was examining my arms for some sort of bruise or scratch from the kitchen fight. I abruptly stopped in my tracks and closed my eyes just like I always did whenever I was trying to repress something. "I have already told you Yeon, that we knew each other only before you're fit. Do not make something more of it." "I am just asking you a question, I have nothing to exaggerate something that I cannot remember."