Chapter 66: Why He Likes You
Lucille had been worried when the young girl had addressed her.
That noble lady had maybe been two years younger than her and had been rather distressed while she asked for help with her powder. Apparently, she had been crying and had no one to apply some make-up for her.
Lucille had agreed without much thought. Doubts only appeared when they walked down the hallway all the way to the end. Weren't there baths near the entrance? Why would they have to go so far when there was another option just a few steps after the door? When she had asked for the first time, the lady had merely apologized and asked her to come with her.
The girl had seemed rather desperate.
So, Lucille followed the other party without complaining. She only realized that this was a mistake when she was led into a small seating room. Some knights gave her encouraging smiles, and one whispered that nothing would happen to her even if she stayed. That scared her a bit, and when she looked at the sofa in the room, she quickly knew why.
The dowager empress was calmly sipping her tea there. When the door opened, she lifted her head and met the other woman's gaze. For a moment, it was completely silent. She took another sip before placing the teacup on the saucer. Then she finally spoke up. “Lucille Valerian, it is. Correct? You should know why I called you here. Take a seat.”
Lucille didn't want to. Every fiber in her being refused to go to the other woman. She didn't want to be anywhere close to Camille. She only wanted to run away.
And maybe that would even have been possible. The guards looked like they wouldn't stop her.
For a moment, Lucille truly considered that. But then she remembered who this was. If the dowager empress wanted to speak to someone, she would find a way. And that wasn't all. Lucille cared for Cedar. She cared more than she maybe should. And if she wanted to be by his side one way or another, she needed to face his mother, the woman who had made his life so hard that he felt the need to be on edge during every single second.
Lucille looked around and made sure that enough guards were inside the room as well. When she saw at least six, she slowly stepped inside and curtsied. “Yes, I am Lucille Valerian. The only daughter of Viscount Valerian.” Her voice was so weak that it was embarrassing, but she wouldn't run away. She forced herself to walk the few steps to the sofa and sat down across from the other woman.
Camille looked like she might as well still be empress. She was so majestic that every single person here would recognize her as a member of the royal family. She had so much self-confidence. Camille clearly didn't believe that anyone could harm her. She wouldn't have needed the small golden tiara on her head to seem authoritarian at all, not when her expression was so frosty that she could probably intimidate a god.
And this person was supposed to have given birth to Cedar? The kind and somewhat sarcastic Cedar who cuddled Lucille when she felt uncomfortable? That seemed almost impossible. That woman's brown eyes had the same color, and yet, they were so much more icy than Cedar's soft eyes could ever be.
The dowager empress remained silent for a while. She lifted her cup and turned it a bit while watching the tea inside. Then she abruptly lifted her gaze and made eye contact with Lucille. Her voice echoed in the empty room. “How did you imagine this would go? Did you think everyone would kindly abide and make way for you to gain some influence? If so, you are the most naive girl I ever met. Not the most impudent one since that spot was already taken long ago, but you come close.”
Lucille wasn't sure how to react to that. She was uncertain whether the other woman expected a response or whether she was just supposed to listen. So, she waited a moment longer. Apparently, that had been wrong.
Camille's eyes narrowed. “It seems like you also have the nerve to ignore me when I ask you a question.”
Lucille felt how the temperature around her dropped and quickly shook her head. “I...sincerely apologize, Your Majesty. That was not my intention. I merely wanted to wait until you had finished talking.” Maybe she would have sounded more dignified if her voice was a bit louder and less shaky.
The dowager empress' presence was overwhelming and, seemingly, showing the slightest bit of weakness made it worse. Camille scanned Lucille with obvious dismay. “I have seen this act of submission countless times. It never worked on me, even if it may appeal to the men in our family. You can drop this act. I can already tell you that I will not allow you to disrespect me, so you should still watch your tongue though. Answer my question now. Why did you think this would gain you anything?”
Lucille pressed her lips together. She still didn't know what the other woman was referring to for sure, but she could guess. This was about Cedar.
And apparently, Camille didn't like her son turning away from her. It almost sounded like she was blaming Lucille for that. This conversation wouldn't be pleasant at all.
Lucille would have liked to ponder her answer for longer so that she wouldn't upset the other woman, but she worried about waiting too long again. “I apologize, but I fear that I am not certain what you are referring to. I...don't have any specific goals.” Except for surviving, not embarrassing herself and maybe spending some time with Cedar. None of that should be problematic.
As expected, Camille didn't get nicer even when she heard how uncertain the other woman was. She drank some of her tea and lowered the cup before piercing Lucille with a hate-filled gaze. “Do I look like I am stupid or mentally incapable of seeing through obvious lies?” It sounded like something would follow, but a few seconds passed in silence. The dowager empress' expression turned even sourer. “Do I?”
Lucille hurried to shake her head. “Of course not, Your Majesty.”
Camille still looked at the other woman with so much resentment that it was terrifying. “Then you can stop bothering to lie. I hate underhanded schemes. At least be honest about your goals from the very beginning.”
That was rich coming from her, but obviously, Lucille didn't say that. She scanned the other woman for a moment. She barely dared to speak up but forced herself to address the dowager empress in a barely audible voice. “But...I am honest.”
Camille let out a huff of disbelief. She glared at Lucille with visible annoyance. “You are not. You keep refusing to answer my question. I asked what your goal was and why you believed that I would sit by and let you play your dirty games. Do you wish to be princess consort? No, you probably wish to be empress.”
Lucille was speechless at that sudden accusation. She could only stare at the other woman for a moment before she caught herself. Then she began shaking her head. “It's nothing like that. I care about Cedar! He is a very good friend and-”
Camille let out a bitter laugh. She set down her cup with much more force than before so that the porcelain clashed against the saucer. Then she looked at the other woman with a gaze that betrayed that she was full of resentment that had gnawed at her for years. “Didn't you listen to me? I have experience with liars. They always say that. They say that they have no ulterior motives, no bad intentions. They say that they love him, and in the end, they only want power.” Her voice got louder and more resentful with each word.
Lucille should probably have talked back here, but she had little to no chance or desire to move. It felt like she would evoke a calamity if she just dared to make eye contact for too long. In the end, holding still didn't help much though.
The dowager empress glared at Lucille for a couple of seconds. Then her gaze fell onto the table, and she looked at it with so much hatred that it wouldn't be strange if that object was cursed afterward. “Blanche Laister said that she only wanted to be at Theodore's side. Now she's manipulated him for long enough that he made her empress. Althea, that whore, said that she loved my husband. And then she extended her greedy, scraggy fingers and sank them into my first son as soon as he was born. You can't imagine how it felt when I woke up and my baby wasn't with me anymore because that disgusting witch wanted him. She wasn't content stealing my husband. She needed my son too.” Camille lifted her head, and for a moment, she looked like she was completely insane. “And now some red-haired wench shows up here and tries to tear away my Cedar too? I have suffered under those lying women for long enough. I won't let you play your dirty games. I will not let you abuse my son just so that you can rise to a position of power. I will make sure that you fall back into the mud you came from.” That was terrifying.
Everyone even remotely close to noble society knew that Camille was mentally unstable, and that she had caused trouble during a few balls last year had proven that to be true. But back then, it had seemed like she was just a bit hysteric and hotheaded. But now that her fury was directed at Lucille, it was easy to understand why people still didn't dare to openly criticize the dowager empress. That woman was horrifying.
And Cedar had been forced to grow up with her. It was no wonder that he refused to open up to anyone.
Lucille was frozen in fear for a bit and only dared to move after some time had passed. She would have favored getting out of here, but one glance at Camille proved that this might only make matters worse. And at the same time, Lucille felt the unpleasant need to speak up. She knew that this was a bad idea, but she couldn't ignore those accusations.
Surely, she was aware that the other woman wouldn't listen.
But a part of Lucille wanted to prove that she really cared about Cedar. She didn't want to use him. And him knowing that was important to her. This person here was Cedar's mother, so it had to be possible to talk to her for a moment, right? A mother should notice when someone cared about their child.
Lucille thought that, and one glance at Camille's hate-filled expression erased those ideas immediately. But still, she needed to say this. Lucille's voice was shaking as she spoke. “I...understand why you feel like...you have been mistreated.” Suddenly losing one's husband and child had to be horrible. That didn't justify hurting anyone, but Lucille could understand why Camille was upset. “And I understand if you doubt me. Many people want to use Cedar. But I'm-”
The dowager empress spoke up way too soon. “You are just like them.” She gritted her teeth while scanning Lucille with a condescending look that said everything about how she felt about the other woman. “You have no right to even get close to him. You are merely the daughter of a viscount, and yet, you dare to approach Artias' prince. Having a commoner empress must truly have ruined our society. Otherwise, you could never dare to be so insolent.”
In reality, it seemed like Blanche was doing a rather good job as the empress. No nobles dared to criticize the emperor, which would have been unthinkable in other nations. That might be connected to some rather advanced families in Artias. People here were beginning to pay a little less attention to the old, strict conventions of nobility. Of course, nothing would change overnight, but there was continuous progress.
Lucille didn't say any of that. She just replied in all honesty. “I didn't approach Cedar with any goal. He just collapsed-”
Camille cut her off again with much more anger than before. “Stop saying his name. To you, he is still His Royal Highness, the second prince of Artias. You have no right to pretend to be intimate with him when you are nothing but a speck of dust below his feet.” Someone seemed to be sensitive when it came to ranks.
Lucille balled her fists on her lap and pressed her lips together. It would be so much simpler to give in. She wanted to give in. But at the same time, she didn't want to deny that Cedar was her close friend. Hearing someone say that this relationship between her and him was nothing stung more than it should. “He told me to use his name.” Lucille had spoken before she had wanted to do it. She lifted her hand to her mouth, but the damage had been done.
The dowager empress seemed to freeze in place. “What? You are close to committing a lese majesty by voicing such lies. Watch your words.”
Lucille felt shivers run down her spine, but she was honest nonetheless. “I'm not lying! Cedar offered it to me a few days after we met because he dislikes using titles. He was hurt because of a royal guard. Your Majesty knows that, right? He collapsed in our garden, and I called a doctor for him and hid him afterward. We became friends and-”
Camille began laughing at that. It sounded like she was genuinely amused, but the underlying trace of bitterness in both her eyes and voice betrayed you. “Friends? You don't really think that, do you? There is no way that someone like you would even be remotely interesting to him.” She stopped faking a smile, and her expression became icy as she spoke. “He is using you, little girl. My Cedar would never care for anyone unless they bring him a bit closer to his goal.”
At this point, Lucille knew whether it wasn't clever to talk back anymore. She should just nod at everything and then run away. At least any logically thinking person should do that.
But Lucille didn't want to run away. Not when that would indicate that she was using Cedar, which she wasn't. She didn't want to deny that a faint bond between them had formed. In fact, she wanted to protect this little bond with all of her power.
Lucille took a deep breath before forcing herself to speak up, even if she was already digging her fingernails into the fabric of her dress and expected to be yelled at. “With all due respect, Your Majesty.” Her voice was so soft that it was a wonder that the other woman even understood her. “What would I be able to give him? I'm the daughter of a viscount. My family is wealthy, but that can't compare to the royal family. And obviously, we don't have much political power. He can't gain any advantage by being close to me.”
Maybe Cedar had needed her to keep hiding him in the beginning, but ever since then, she had more or less depended on him. He had saved her life and brought her here. Now they were seeing each other regularly, but none of them had some political advantage because of this. In fact, the rumors about Cedar being with a viscount's daughter could only cause him to miss out on more beneficial engagements. Lucille's marriage prospects also suffered because of this, so it was questionable whether they could evoke rumors to gain anything.
But logic didn't seem to help much here.
The dowager empress let out an emotionless laugh. “The fact that you are defending him only proves that he got into your head already. Cedar is a genius when it comes to manipulation. He only needs to speak with you for a while, and he immediately knows your weak spots. He can pick at them until you break down or fuel your confidence until you actually believe that a prince could care about you.” She picked up her cup while grasping it so tightly that it looked like it might crumple in her hands. “I don't need to discuss this with you. It's obvious that he doesn't care about you. I don't need to ask him when I've known him for all his life. What I need you to admit is that you are using him too. You can't be stupid enough to think that he likes you. Or are you?” The derogatory undertone in her voice wouldn't have been necessary to underline how she felt, but it made what she was thinking even clearer.
Lucille unwillingly tensed. For a little moment, she thought about whether Cedar truly read their relationship differently than she did. Whether she just thought that he cared when he didn't.
But she remembered their picnic. She remembered how often they had hugged when one of them had felt bad. She remembered how he had helped her during the ball.
This had been more than Cedar using someone. He wouldn't have needed to put in so much effort to impress her at all. A few kind words would have been enough, so helping her whenever she felt bad wouldn't have needed to be part of his plan, and yet, he had done much more. He cared.
Lucille grasped her skirt and twisted the fabric between her fingers while she tried to calm herself down a little. She needed to give a good response, or the other woman would continue to accuse her of horrible things. She wasn't using Cedar, and she would stick to that until the end. “Your Majesty... I...I'm not trying to gain anything.” Lucille was so nervous that it felt like her heart was forgetting to beat in a normal tact, and she stuttered a little. “I really, really don't plan on getting some sort of advantage because of this. I truly do like Cedar a lot.”
Camille's face was overcome with the same icy wrath as before. “What for?”
Lucille was taken aback by that. “Pardon, what do you-”
The dowager empress replied in a voice that was full of nothing but layered hatred. “I asked what you like him for. Because he is nice to you? You moron.” She said that with so much fury in her voice that Lucille flinched. “That is all an act. Cedar is always nice to everyone. He was nice to Theodore and his whore, just to fool them into trusting us, even though he looks down on them with every fiber of his being. He is only nice when he has a goal. I raised him to be loyal to me. He can only be loyal to me and no one else. Everyone else will only get cruelty from him. You saw what he did to the men in your manor, didn't you? He must have slaughtered them right in front of you. Isn't that enough to show you that he is a monster? He will always be a monster to everyone but me.”
Lucille was stunned for a few seconds upon hearing that. She hated knowing that Camille was saying this about Cedar. The considerate and sympathetic Cedar who did his best to help Lucille and offered her his embrace when she cried. The Cedar who had brought her out of her estate during an assassination attack and carried her to the palace despite knowing that his enemies were waiting for him.
Lucille shook her head with vigor as she hurried to defend him. “He isn't a monster, and he never was! He did kill some people in my home, but that was because they wanted to kill us first. That was self-defense! He saved my life and brought me here after I was shot with an arrow. Cedar could have let me die, but he picked me up and ran to his greatest enemy so that I would get help. He obviously cares about other people!”
Camille gritted her teeth and dug her fingers into the cup in her hands. “You stupid little girl. He doesn't have the ability to care. Human lives don't matter to him. He is unscrupulous and has no morals that would keep him from doing what needs to be done. He has a one-track mind and will only live to make me proud and ascend to the throne. Cedar would never care about a person like you. He would never utter a single thing aside from a lie in your presence. He is so good at hiding his ugly side that it's disturbing. But you only need to wait until someone mentions one of his many triggers, and you will immediately see him for who he really is. He will show it to you at some point, and you will cower in fear. You will understand that there is no place for anything but revenge in his mind. He is cold-hearted and will gladly use someone as a marionette to throw them aside and relish in their pain later.”
How could someone say that about their own child? Especially when it clearly wasn't true? Cedar wasn't a sadist. That much was obvious. He had had so many chances to use Lucille's weak moments against her. He could have mocked her for worrying about her marriage chances because of some scars. He could have made fun of her crying about her mother despite Emily being gone for over a decade. If he relished in seeing others suffer, he would have done that. But instead, he had pulled her into his arms and allowed her to cry while consoling her each time.
Cedar cared. There was no way that he didn't. Otherwise, his embrace wouldn't feel so kind and warm.
And that was when fear turned to rage.
Lucille acted before she could stop herself. “You're wrong!” She hadn't meant to raise her voice, but it was enough to make the whole atmosphere even worse.
Camille had just planned on sipping from her cup and stopped in favor of glaring at the other woman with a mix of disbelief and rage. “What?” Indignation dripped out of her words like acid poison.
Lucille had definitely crossed the line here, but it was too late now anyway. So, she could just be direct immediately. Her voice was weaker than before again, but she was so full of distress that she reached a normal volume at least. “Don't say things like this when it isn't true! Cedar is a wonderful person! He is nice and considerate and does his best to help me whenever he can. He isn't like you made it seem at all.”
Camille suddenly leaned forward and almost spilled the tea from her cup on the floor. By now, her freezing anger had been replaced by a burning one, and she began yelling a split second later. “How stupid can you be, you damned moron! He fooled you completely! Don't you get it? He is playing with you until he gets bored and discards you like a broken toy. He'll have fun and then crush you to let you fall into the dirt where you belong!” What was wrong with that woman? Why was she so angry when someone claimed that her son was kind?
Lucille would have liked to run away at this point, but she was frozen on her seat. She could only lean forward and raise her voice in return as pure despair oozed out with her words. “You never saw me speak to him! You have no idea at all. Cedar likes me!” Maybe she was getting so emotional because she wanted it to be true so badly. Of course, this didn't earn her a positive reaction though.
“Don't be so arrogant!” Camille raised her hand and threw the cup to the side, where it crushed onto the floor and left behind a pool of tea and hundreds of little shards. She looked like she was about to lunge at Lucille to choke her. But instead, she just balled her fist on the armrest while yelling. “He only spends time with you because he wants to use you! You are some temporary plaything because you're so enamored with him that he will suck in all affection like a sponge. That is only because he hasn't seen me for a few months. As soon as he spends time with me again, he will understand that he only needs me. I've always been by his side. I'm the only one that ever loved him!”
It was almost ironic that she said that. Raising a child to be fully dependent on her wasn't a sign of love. It was a sign of narcissism. Camille had needed reassurance after she had lost her husband and her first son to another woman.
And Cedar had been the person forced to suffer most under her.
Lucille had flinched upon being yelled at, but again, wrath filled her veins. This was ridiculous. She couldn't sit anymore. She jumped to her feet and pointed at the other woman without wanting to do it. “You are insane! But Cedar isn't like you! He is good to me. He is kind and considerate. Cedar even cares about how His Majesty feels. He has a friend among the servants, and they joke when they see each other. He is so much more than you can imagine! You are just angry because he doesn't listen to you anymore and because he's finally trying to find his happiness!” This had been the first time that Lucille had reached the loudest volume of her voice. She regretted it as soon as these words left her mouth.
Camille looked like the god of death while a grimace of pure fury showed on her face. “How dare you?” She was almost growling. “You pathetic, dirty, disgusting, worthless piece of garbage dare to raise your voice at me?” When she was the one yelling, it was much more intimidating.
Lucille backed away to the side and was ready to run away if the other woman moved even slightly. But it seemed like that wasn't necessary at all. Another noise cut through the air before she could think about whether to flee.
The door slammed open with such force that Lucille feared that the wall might be damaged. As she panically turned to the entrance, relief washed over her. “Cedar!” It was wonderful that he was here, and yet, Lucille worried quickly.
This might be the first time that she had seen him that angry.
Cedar's smile was much wider than normal, and the glint of rage in his eyes only served to make him seem truly terrifying along with the aura of wrath that he carried with him. He came into the room and scanned the scene before speaking in a voice that was dripping with exaggerated friendliness. “Mother. May I ask what you are doing here?”
Camille abruptly stood up and took a step toward her son as all of her anger was wiped away. “Cedar! You came here-”
The prince cut her off. “To remind you to keep your hands off Lucille, yes.” He didn't seem very impressed by his mother looking at him in utter disarray.
To be honest, Lucille didn't care either. She only noticed that she was shaking now and hated it. She wanted to force herself to stop, but instead of doing that, she just ran toward Cedar. She didn't know what made her do it. Maybe she was too disturbed by knowing what Cedar had to have faced during his childhood with such a terrible mother. Maybe she wanted to comfort him, and maybe she wanted to be comforted by him. Or maybe she wanted to be reminded that he did care.
Either way, Lucille rushed to him without thinking and almost crashed into him. She barely stopped in time, so she came to a halt but still ran into his chest to wrap her arms around him.
Cedar took a little step back to balance them. He turned around and pulled her with him so that he stood between Lucille and his mother. Then he began whispering. “Are you alright? She didn't do anything to you, did she? Did you drink or eat anything?”
Lucille nodded and then shook her head twice. But she didn't have the strength to reply and just stood behind him even when he turned to face his mother again. She hid behind his arm while glancing at the dowager empress, who seemed to be even more enraged than before.
“Cedar!” Camille was truly upset.
Lucille hated it. Though, she didn't know whether she was more scared or furious now.