The Broken Prince's Love

“I don't want to be emperor.” Cedar's words changed everything in an instant.

The blood drained from Camille's face after just a moment of silence. She blinked at him and forced herself to smile, but she had understood him. “What...what are you saying? We've always wanted to make you emperor.” Her voice was trembling slightly as she spoke. “Why would you...suddenly change your mind about that matter? Are you worried about how it will go when you need to rule? Don't think about that. I will help you. I have enough experience to deal with everything. And we prepared you from the very beginning. You are more intelligent and considerate than your brother ever was. You will be a wonderful emperor.” She only praised him and said that he was better than his brother when she wanted to bind him to her.

Cedar almost wanted to point that out, but he forced himself to stay quiet for a moment while meeting his mother's gaze. He would have liked to stop smiling, but right now, he couldn't help it. On the outside, he seemed calm, but in reality, his stomach was churning.

What was he doing?

Camille was still his mother. She had raised him, and he was in the middle of ruining everything she had lived for during the last two decades. But a single thought of Lucille quickly reminded him what they were doing again. He didn't want to live as a tool and watch how people he cared about got killed anymore. He couldn't give in now.

So, Cedar forced himself to speak again. “I don't worry about whether I would be good at reigning. I also don't think I would mind ruling if it became necessary. But right now, Theodore is the emperor, and he is doing a good job. There is no need for me to interfere and undermine the emperor's position. Aside from that, my personal feelings also don't give me a reason to commit treason. I don't want to harm Theodore or Her Majesty, who never did anything to you, by the way. And I won't use Lucille either. After all, I like her a lot.” His mother already knew about the ball. Then he might as well be honest. He quickly realized that mentioning Lucille would only distract his mother though.

If there was one thing that Camille hated even more than her eldest son, it was the fact that her second child might care for other people. Her face scrunched up, and a familiar glint of insanity flickered in her eyes. She dug her fingers into his arm and raised her voice. “I knew it! That filthy whore tried to seduce you, didn't she? She's confusing you. She-”

Cedar considered listening first, but he got annoyed after a few seconds and corrected her. “There is something wrong with your opinion of the women around you. Did you notice that? I can like a person without them needing to use manipulation. Just because you are so dependent on that strategy, that doesn't mean that every other woman does the same. You always insult the ones that get close to our family without questioning whether that woman might not just have been nice. Althea was nice, Blanche is nice too. And they never did anything that would harm you. It would be good if you refrained from accusing them of random things. I would also ask you to stop insulting Lucille, specifically. Right now, she is the person I care about most.” He only understood that saying that may have been a bad decision when the words left his lips.

It was odd. Until now, he had never truly come to that conclusion. Then he had said it out loud all of a sudden. Seemingly, he was convinced and finally accepted it.

As expected, his mother didn't react too kindly to that. Her eyes widened, and she scanned his face for traces of this being a joke. “Cedar, what are you saying? You're....you're acting strange. Do you have a fever?” She brought her hand to his forehead and pressed against it. “You...feel warm. Definitely. You have a fever.” It seemed like she had convinced herself of that now. “I will ask someone to bring you medicine. For now, you should stay here until you get better. I can hold your hand and take care of you, so-”

Cedar cut her off there. “I am perfectly fine. To be honest, I am feeling better than I have for a long time.” That wasn't true. His mind was in turmoil, and everything inside him told him to finally stop acting like this. He had been conditioned to follow his mother, so it felt odd to do the opposite. It felt awful, almost like the bad memories of the fireplace burned into his mind again. Cedar considered rethinking this thrice, but then the image of Lucille lying in his arms with blood pooling out of her wound showed up in his head.

That was enough to remind him of the important fact.

Camille couldn't stand him being happy. She would crush whatever he liked to keep him dependent on her. That was dangerous. There was no way that he could stay still while something like this was happening. He had to finally get rid of this issue, or there would be even more problems later.

Cedar only needed to think about what he could have when he didn't need to fear his mother intervening in his life. Lucille could become an important person to him without him having to expect that she would be killed. He wouldn't need to plot to overthrow a competent ruler. He would finally have peace. Maybe he could even stop being Theodore's enemy and finally leave this mess behind him. If he imagined that future, it was much more pleasant than assassinating the emperor to take the crown sounded.

So, Cedar spoke again. “Mother. I can see why this is a shock to you. But you need to understand. I'm old enough to think by myself now. And I can tell you that Theodore never did anything wrong. We can leave him alone and just focus on doing something else. For the past years, you have only lived for revenge against someone who never wronged you. Aren't you tired of that? Let's move forward.” That was his last pathetic attempt to find a solution that wouldn't make him his mother's enemy. But just as he didn't expect her to agree, she didn't think about changing her mind.

Camille looked at him as if he had lost his mind. “Cedar, what's wrong with you? You've never acted like this. Theodore is the bad one! He is the person that abandoned me. He threw us, his own family, out of the palace to treat us like lowlifes in confinement. He looked down on us and humiliated us in front of every single noble in Artias! He killed your father!” By now, she was almost ripping off his arm, and slowly but surely, her composure slipped away.

The prince let out a low sigh when he noticed how the circulation in his arm was being cut off but replied without moving away. “I never acted like this because I never considered this option. But now I think that this may be better. I would have liked it if you managed to think about that once. Theodore isn't the bad one, and deep inside, you know that. We were the villains the whole time. I will stray from this path now. A person once told me that even a carved riverbed can be changed with some effort. I am doing that right now. Maybe you could try it too. If you ever succeed, we could meet again.” That wouldn't happen, as much as he hated that. “But if not, I think our ways have to part here.”

Camille stared at him while her face only showed pure desperation. She held onto him as if he would slip away. But the fact that she wasn't yelling already proved that she still hadn't accepted it. It took her a minute before she opened her mouth and spoke with a shaky voice. “I think we should end this here. It's dangerous for you to stay in the palace if they fill your head with such lies. You can come back to me, and we'll find a different way.” It was surprising that she put keeping Cedar above the chance to harm Theodore. Seemingly, she was getting scared of being alone. “Cedar, let's go home now. We will sit down and have a nice cup of apple tea and strawberry tart. You love that, right? We can relax in front of the bookshelf and forget that all of this ever happened. Did I tell you how proud of you I am? It's been a while since I did, hasn't it? I will tell you more often. Cedar, I love you. You know that, right? You're my only son and-”

Cedar felt sick to the stomach. Even now, hearing what he had longed to hear ever since he had been a child made him want to return to her embrace.

But this wasn't what love or affection was. This woman might be his mother, but she had never seen him as more than a tool, even if there had been nice moments.

The prince closed his eyes for a moment and reminded himself of that. Just thinking about how she had proposed using Blanche being drugged as a way to harm Theodore was enough to make him understand once more. Even after he had refused, his mother had never even understood why he would object to abusing a young woman when she had ordered it. But there had been countless more moments as well, including the fireplace incident. He didn't need to think about all the vases that he had been hit with and all the times she had slapped him.

Camille had never cared for anything but her own hatred. Cedar hadn't ever witnessed something else during his childhood or his adulthood. Whenever he thought that his mother was getting better, she had another breakdown or got lost in her wrath again.

The prince had hoped that there was a cure. But there wasn't one. For his mother, it was too late. He had thought that he wouldn't be saved either, but he might still have the capacity to let go of this resentment that he had been raised with. And if he wanted to be saved, he needed to cut off the influence that threatened to turn him into nothing but a wrath-filled puppet. He needed to make that cut now, or he would succumb to the fury that clouded his mother's mind too.

Cedar took a deep breath. He needed one little push. The thought that gave him the most strength was the mental image of Lucille smiling at him. She liked him for real. She didn't see him as a possession like his mother did. And he wanted to keep her safe. If he planned on doing that, he needed to remove the greatest threat from his life. To do that, he would need to be strong for now.

Just for a few more minutes.

Cedar opened his eyes and met his mother's gaze. She was still babbling on, but he just cut her off. “I fear that I won't come home with you again. I also don't think that we will have much contact in the future. The reason should be obvious. I apologize for doing this so suddenly, but I have to leave now.” He rose to his feet, and her surprise allowed him to get her arm off. He only took a few steps before he noticed that he was basically running away. But that didn't matter much.

Camille's shrill cry already sounded behind him. “Cedar!” She jumped up, and her footsteps came closer. She grabbed his arms, and her fingernails threatened to dig into his skin again as she shook him and stood way too close. “Cedar, what do you mean by that?”

The prince slowly turned his head to her. He didn't like seeing her this upset. He was used to consoling her, so being the one to trouble her was odd. But at the same time, he noticed another difference that helped him. He might not really be sane either since it seemed like he didn't care about his mother as much as he should. After all, he had felt a tug at his heart whenever Lucille cried. But now he only cared because he worried about Camille snapping. Cedar waited for a short moment before finding the best words. “I don't want to make you misunderstand. I will phrase it differently so that you will get it. Our act isn't an act anymore. I'm really on Theodore's side now. I support him both as the ruler and as my brother. When you talk to him instead of sending assassins, he is actually nice. How surprising.”

He could see the exact moment that Camille's world broke into two. If he didn't know what kind of person she was, he would have felt horrible. The dowager empress tightened her hold on his arm even more so that it hurt. When her panic set in, she looked at him with widened eyes and shook her head before raising her voice. “What? Cedar, no! You're my son! You can't leave me! You don't want to leave me all alone, do you? You don't want me to hate you! You want to make me proud! If you leave now, you will disappoint me. If you go, no one will be-”

Cedar interrupted her before she could begin. “You really don't get it. If you threaten me by using my triggers, you will only emphasize why I'm leaving. You don't care about me. I would like it if you at least admitted that to yourself. Stop acting like you care. You are the one who doesn't want to be left alone. You always wanted all of my attention on you and hated it when I even glanced at others. Now I know why. Because you were scared that I would meet a person who shows me what affection and respect look like. Now that I witnessed that, I know that whatever you give me isn't anything close to that.”

Camille tugged at his arm as her voice raised another octave. “What? No, Cedar, I love you! You know that. Was I too strict? I can give you some time to play. You can do whatever you want for a few months. You can even do what you want with that girl. I won't touch her if you come back to me after that. Cedar, stay with me!” It was unusual for her to bargain. Did she wonder whether he was serious?

This meant that Cedar had to be direct once again. He made eye contact with her and replied in a calm voice. “This isn't a problem of strictness. The problem is you. Even you must have noticed how hateful you are by now. There is nothing but envy and hatred for Althea in your heart. Because she died, you direct it at Theodore and his wife. If there was a way for you to change, I would have moved heaven and earth to help you. But there is no way you will get over that grudge, is there? You've always thought of people around you as possessions. That's why Father loving someone bothered you. That's why Theodore loving his wife and finding friends fills you with wrath. That's why you couldn't forgive your sister for caring more about her children than about you.” The prince tried to keep himself from sounding bitter, but his voice became filled with more disappointment with every word until he reached the end. He couldn't deny how empty he felt as anger bubbled up inside him. Despite his attempts to hold back his smile, it grew. He was too upset now. So, he couldn't hold back when the words flowed out of his mouth. “And this is also why you can't forgive Lucille for becoming important to me. That's why you tried to kill her right in front of my eyes. Didn't you know that I wasn't too happy about that decision? I think you really messed up when you did that.” That day had been the first time he had seriously thought about changing his strategy, all because Lucille had been hurt

Because Camille didn't mind trying to murder innocent bystanders if they bothered her in some way. And maybe a part of Cedar had hoped for her to at least acknowledge how messed up that was. But he didn't truly expect it because he knew her too well. He wasn't surprised either.

Camille's mouth fell open. She stared at her son for a few more seconds before she reached her breaking point. Her face flashed with anger, and it seemed like wrath was the only thing in her mind. Cedar was sure that she would lash out at him. But it seemed like she decided to blame someone else. “She is the problem, isn't she? She messed your head up. She manipulated you, and your useless brother did the same. They made you hate me, didn't they? They are at fault! They'll pay for this! You won't leave me too. Cedar, we'll go home now.” She pulled at his arm, to no avail. But she continued to try to move him to her. “Cedar, we will get all of that out of your head again. I promise that I'll kill that whore and-”

He withdrew his arm, which made his mother stumble back. “I told you not to insult her.” He glanced over his shoulder and met Camille's disbelieving expression. “You really need help. You noticed that you keep blaming others for everything, right? Even Lucille, whose only mistake was daring to talk to me. You tried to kill her just for that. That's not normal.” He didn't know what else to say when his head felt like it would burst soon.

The dowager empress only took a few seconds before she rushed to his side again. “Cedar, you can't leave me.” That was the one sentence that she seemed to repeat a dozen times while she held onto his arm.

A small voice in the back of Cedar's mind told him that she was right. That he would never manage to escape his mother's clutches. But then he remembered where he was right now. He had taken the first step. He only needed to keep moving forward now. It wouldn't do him any good if he suddenly tried to go back. His mother was already furious, so it would never be the same.

Cedar quickly re-found his determination. He cut off Camille's monologue. “I thought that too. But it seems like I will have to do this now. I really wish that this could end differently, but I don't want to live with this hatred for the rest of my life. So, I will leave now. Goodbye, Mother.” He took a little more energy to wrench away his arm. He strode toward the door and quickly realized that there would be one little issue.

Camille kept running after him, and this time, she threw her arms around his whole body. “No! You can't leave! Cedar!” She didn't seem like she would let go or give up, even if he forced her off.

Cedar sighed at that. How would he get to the secret passageway now? He didn't want to show it to her. He would definitely need to have it closed off tomorrow, but he couldn't risk his mother finding it anyway. It wasn't clear whether she knew about it after all. He tried the kindest option first. “Please let go of me. I will leave no matter what you say or do.”

That didn't help. Camille only tightened her hold, which made it seem like she was using all of her strength. “Cedar, don't go! Don't leave me alone!”

The prince stared at her for a moment while thinking about how to get out of here. What was he supposed to do when she didn't let go? Surely, he could use force, but that would be a bit harsh. To some extent, he enjoyed the fact that his mother cared enough to want him to stay since she had never really admitted that she cared that much. But since he knew that this was just her selfish desire to have someone's world revolve around her, it didn't do much for him. Still, he didn't want to hurt her. So, he would have to close the door behind him and run away before she could follow him. That would be difficult unless he locked the door.

Cedar glanced down to try to see whether Camille was wearing shoes that would make it hard for her to walk, but due to her dress, he didn't see anything. He could probably run faster, but she would still see what rooms he entered. He would need a few seconds alone in the cellar if he wanted to refrain from showing her where the secret passage was. Cedar almost let out a sigh and did his best to ignore his mother's babbling before he spoke up. “I would recommend you let go of me. If you truly wished to keep me close to you, you would try to work on your issues. Then I wouldn't have a problem staying with you.” He was more hopeful than he had wanted to be while saying that.

But Camille's reaction only fueled his frustration. She lifted her head and stared at him with fury showing on her face. “Work on my issues? I am! I am in the middle of destroying Theodore! And now, you want to leave me. You can't do that! You need me!”

Maybe that had been Camille's big mistake. She had reminded him that she saw their relationship like this. She didn't admit that she needed him by her side. Instead, she just insisted that he was dependent on her, and that was exactly what she had always wanted him to be. She had said too much in an attempt to get him to stay and was now encouraging him to leave.

Cedar couldn't stop the bitter chuckle from escaping his throat. “Maybe. But right now, I don't dislike the thought of being without you that much. I have Lucille. So, we'll see whether I still need your fake affection.” He hadn't meant to be so provoking, but in the end, it had done what he needed.

Camille abruptly let go of her son. “Then go!” She was yelling at him now, and her wrath had taken over completely. “Go, and in a few weeks, you will beg to come back to me and kneel! I won't forgive you for this unless you ask for my forgiveness a hundred times! You will beg for a punishment again and again and cling to me!”

Finally, she had given him a chance to leave.

Cedar showed her a bright smile. “That won't happen.” At least he hoped so. With that, he turned around and walked to the door. He only heard his mother speak again when he closed the door behind him.

“Cedar?” She had called out his name in a soft tone, as if she hadn't expected him to leave for real.

But he didn't let that stop him and moved forward. He only took a second to notice that he was shaking. Great. Hopefully, this conversation had been worth it. He should remove himself from this situation before it got worse.

Cedar already heard how his mother called his name again and that she moved around in the room. This was his cue to run away. He hurried toward the staircase to the cellar and made sure to close the door. After that, he continued to run until he found the bathroom and opened the basket. At least it seemed to be possible to enter from here. If he had been locked in here, he probably would have laughed at his own stupidity.

He quickly climbed down the ladder and shut the basket again. Then he forced himself to go slowly to avoid falling off the ladder and breaking his bones. His legs felt like they would give in any moment. It took an eternity until he reached the floor, and now he would have to move on like this for at least half an hour.

Wonderful.

Cedar let out a shaky breath before forcing himself to walk. He would just distract himself for the time being. He needed to keep himself from breaking down until he got back. After that, he would immediately go to the one person who could probably calm him now.

Lucille.

He wanted to see her so badly. Even in the darkness of the underground tunnel, he couldn't stop imagining her face and thinking about how he could get closer to her in just a few minutes. He had already consoled her a few times. It was fine if he asked her to take care of him for once, right?