The Admiral and the Assistant

Dass sauntered out into the hallway. Grimthorn grabbed his trenchcoat and yanked him back.

"You didn't even check if there were hostiles that direction!" Grimthorn hissed.

"There weren't."

"If there had been, you'd be full of holes right now! I though you NavInt guys were supposed to be good at this."

"I don't really do a lot in terms of running around and shooting people," Dass shrugged.

"Obviously. Look, let me take the lead. I know the ship, I can keep an eye out for danger."

"Jeez, okay, mom."

Grimthorn frowned sourly at the Duroclade. They both had blaster rifles that they'd picked up from the terrorists they'd overcome. Dass kept fiddling with his.

"Stop that before you have a negligent discharge," Grimthorn growled.

"I think mine's broken," Dass said.

"Well we're heading for the armory to kit up properly," Grimthorn replied. "These should be good enough get us there."

He leaned out, peeking around the corner.

"This way's clear," he said.

"I know," Dass replied. "I was just out there."

Grimthorn sighed in exasperation, then moved out into the hall. He kept his rifle low, knees bent, head down, darting for cover across the way. Dass followed, walking down the middle of the hallway with his usual shuffle, rifle hanging loosely from one hand.

"Do you want to get shot?" Grimthorn asked. "Because at this point I'd be happy to do the honors and save the pirates the effort."

"Meh, it's fine. Also, they're terrorists, not pirates."

Grimthorn shook his head.

A clanging sound resounded down the hallway. The pair perked up. They moved down the hall, and the clanging grew louder. They arrived outside a door where the noise was coming from.

"That's a maintenance station for one of the blaster turrets," Grimthorn said quietly. "What are they doing? There's nothing really valuable in there. Maybe they're trying to pull the emergency supercapacitor?"

"Don't care," Dass said. "Let's go in there and get them." He gave Grimthorn a level stare. "Let's try not to kill these guys, okay? I know they've got you annoyed, but more prisoners is better."

"I will get these pirates off my ship," Grimthorn said.

"They're not pirates, they're-- look, I would take it as a personal favor if they all survived to get to trial, okay?"

"I can't promise anything," Grimthorn said.

"Well, do your best."

"I always do."

They stood on either side of the door. Grimthorn did a silent countdown from three, then paneled the door open.

He swept in, crouched low, sweeping his rifle barrel back and forth.

"What the..."

The blaster turret station had already been dismantled. Parts lay scattered on the floor, and the gunner's seat was lying on its side, out of the way. The blaster itself had been disconnected from the ship's wiring, and unscrewed from the rotating base.

Grimthorn shook his head. These things were usually serviced in a shipyard, and the tech would get to them from outside the ship. These guys had unhooked it from the inside and were pulling the whole assembly, six-foot barrel and all, into the ship.

Two of the terrorists were elbow-deep in the guts of the blaster cannon, covered with grease and coolant stains.

Grimthorn charged in with his rifle held high and butt-stroked the one on the left, laying him out cold. The other looked up just in time to see Dass reaching for him. He was flung into the wall with bone-rattling force. He crumpled to the floor, unconscious.

"There, your precious pirates are safe," Grimthorn said.

"They're not p-- well, thanks for not killing anybody, anyway."

"You clearly need the help," Grimthorn said. "You don't even seem to have any idea how to operate in a combat situation. I can see why you needed to partner up with some Navy personnel."

Dass bristled.

"Look, no offense, but I didn't bring you for your muscle. You're just along for the ride. I needed someone who looked Navy, and you look Navy. You're not NavInt, and you're not a partner. I don't do partners. They'll just stab you in the back. Literally."

Grimthorn recoiled a little at the sudden diatribe.

"Alright," Grimthorn said slowly. "Didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset! I just--" Dass cut his eyes away. "Let's get these guys tied up."

They continued to sweep the ship, heading for the armory and tagging pairs of terrorists as they went.

"Where are your MPs?" Dass asked. "I thought you had a bunch of guys that were going to arrest everybody."

"I've got them defending the sensitive areas of the ship. Data archives. Engineering. Places like that."

"Hm."

Grimthorn frowned.

"I still don't get what those two pirates were trying to do," he said, "disassembling the turret like that."

"Who knows?" Dass shrugged. "Maybe they were going to sell it?"

"Sure, if you could get it off the ship, you'd make good money, but how would they get it downplanet? It would fit in a shuttle, if you didn't have any passengers. Besides, these guys are terrorists, right? If they want weapons, they should want them for their own fighters or whatever. But they don't have any ships, and a turret wouldn't do you any good downplanet. They suck up too much juice. You'd never get enough energy to make them worthwhile. You need a ship's reactor to power these things." Grimthorn tapped his lips in thought. "Who would they even sell them to? Only pirates would touch a contraband Navy turret."

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Dass looked at him.

"You are way overthinking this. Bad guys steal guns. We punch bad guys. End of story."

Grimthorn gave him an exasperated look.

"Do they actually train you NavInt guys, or do you just watch a couple spy holos and get fielded?"

"It beats spending four years in the Academy for a desk job."

"What do you mean 'desk job?' I've been running around with you, working on taking out pirates."

"Terrorists. And I don't see you working on anything right now, except my patience."

Grimthorn froze.

"Wait, shh."

"Why? Did you need to talk some more about terrorist motivations? You talk an awful lot. Have you considered a career in middle management?"

"Quiet. You feel that?"

"Feel what? I don't feel anything."

Grimthorn stood stock still. His brow crinkled.

"The floor. The engines have cycled up."

"They have?" Dass looked at the floor. "So what?"

"The engines can only be activated from the bridge. There shouldn't be anybody on the bridge."

"Didn't you put any guards on the bridge?"

"I didn't think I needed to! There aren't any weapons or exotic materials there to steal!"

They looked at each other. The same thought occurred to both of them.

"They're going to steal the ship," they said simultaneously.

"I knew they were pirates!" Grimthorn yelled, running for the bridge.

Dass ran behind him, trying to keep up.

"Wait!" he cried. "Shouldn't we get to the armory first?"

"No time! I won't let pirates have the Starforge!"

Jao Witte grinned hugely.

The first thing he'd do, once he was out of the Drides system, would be to bring a chair in for the captain's dais. Why the Navy felt their captains had to stand up all the time was beyond him.

He scanned the bridge with a satisfied air. This would make a good pirate ship. This would make a great pirate ship.

Even after he sold off half the turrets, he'd still have the most heavily armed and armored pirate ship in the galaxy.

Nobody would mess with him, then.

He had to think of an appropriate name, though. "Skyripper?" "Void Reaper?" "Skull Havoc?"

He idly thought through some options.

They'd have to come up with a name for their new pirate band, too. He'd already mostly settled on "The Lucky Shot Pirates." He'd have to get the crew to sign off on that one, though.

It had all been so much easier than he'd expected. There was certain to be resistance at some point, but they had the bridge. They could threaten to crash the ship, or just shoot at civilian settlements until people backed off.

What couldn't they do with a Navy destroyer?

The door to the bridge paneled open. Dass and Grimthorn stumbled in, pushed by pirates from behind.

Jao raised an eyebrow.

"What's this?"

"These guys escaped," one of the pirates said. "We caught them trying to sneak up to the bridge."

"Well, well." Jao picked up his rifle and leveled it at Grimthorn. "How unexpected. I should just shoot you both, but you come at a good time." He grinned. "The Lieutenant here can show us how to use the weapons system."

Grimthorn stood up straight.

"I won't."

"What, salty about being tied up in case we needed a hostage? Don't worry, now we have the whole surface of Drides II as a hostage. Just help us figure out the weapons and you can go free."

"I won't," Grimthorn repeated. "Shoot me if you will."

"Hey, let's not get all shooty just yet," Dass said, stepping in front of Grimthorn. "We can work something out."

"And why are you out here?"

"Hey, you know, you locked me up, I was just looking for a way off the ship. No offense."

Jao kept his rifle trained on Grimthorn.

"Okay Dass, you're up. You're a fixer for military goods, right? Prove your worth. Go figure out the weapons console."

"Ah, hey, you know, I wasn't really looking for a career change to 'pirate.' Fixer is about where I'm at mentally, you know?"

The barrel of Jao's rifle swung over to Dass.

"Oh, but you know, I hear it's a great career," Dass said, stepping lively across the bridge. "Lots of room for growth, new vistas." Dass moved over to the weapons panel. "Lieutenant Happy, this is the weapons console, right?"

Grimthorn remained stony and silent.

"Power up the panel," Jao said, his raspy voice menacing. "I know that'll be the first step."

"You don't think they have some kind of security on this thing, do you?" Dass asked. "I've heard rumors."

"Do what I said."

"All right, sure, just mentioning it."

Dass approached the panel slowly. He reached out slowly and wrapped his hand around the power handle. He edged it forward about halfway.

An ear-splitting shriek erupted from him, galvanizing everyone on the bridge. He stood rigidly, his body splayed out, one hand still gripping the handle. The shriek grew in intensity until he ran out of air. He gasped in and screamed some more. He stared at the ceiling, his eyes bulging. His face swelled, then began to collapse, running, melting.

Jao and his men stared in horror as Dass' screams turned bubbly and tapered off. His body sagged in on itself. His flesh began sloughing off and dripping to the floor.

Over the course of another minute, what was left of Dass' body bubbled and seethed, settling .

Silence reigned on the bridge as every eye was fixed on the puddle that had once been Dass Gunstar.

"What was that?" Jao said, his already hoarse voice nearly turned into a whisper by terror. "What was that?"

He turned his gun on Grimthorn, who looked shocked and sickened.

"What was that, Navy boy? What happened?"

"I-- I--" Grimthorn shook his head and took a deep breath. "I've never seen that trap activated."

"You knew?" Jao fumed. "That's cold-hearted. You knew and you just, just let your friend activate that thing like that?"

"He's no friend of mine if he'd power on a ship's weapon systems against civilians." Grimthorn's face hardened. "Now ask yourself how many of those traps the Navy has on board. What's important enough to secure? Engineering? Communications? Docking? Life support? Who's going to be the first to test each system?"

Jao pointed his rifle at Grimthorn.

"You tell me," he whispered. "You tell me where the traps are, and how to deactivate them."

Grimthorn crossed his arms.

"Kill me if you like. I won't ever tell. You'll have to find them the hard way, like Dass did."

Jao spat a curse.

"I knew this was too easy! I should have expected some kind of Imperial trick."

Grimthorn shrugged.

"Why do you think no Imperial Navy ship has ever been stolen by pirates?"

The pirates looked around uncomfortably. They unconsciously edged away from some of the consoles.

"Boss? I don't want a ship that does that to me," one of them said, eyeing the puddle of Dass.

Jao stared hard at Grimthorn's unflinching face.

It didn't take long to talk the newly minted pirates down after that. They quickly realized that they didn't have any way of getting off the ship without risking a trap.

In the end, Grimthorn was able to simply lead them to the brig. He called in the MPs out of their defensive positions. They processed the pirates and picked up the ones he and Dass had captured along the way.

Grimthorn made his way back to the bridge.

Dass was leaning against the weapons console, minutely examining his claws and looking immensely pleased with himself.

"So," Grimthorn said. "Mucilagean?"

"Figured that out all on your own?"

"I picked up a couple clues." Grimthorn frowned. "You could have told me beforehand."

"Well, it's need-to-know," Dass said. "Plus, some people get weird about Mucilageans."

"Being a Mucilagean is the least weird thing about you."

"That's fair. Good job rolling with it, by the way."

Grimthorn nodded in acknowledgement.

"I think that's some kind of new record. Pirate group founding to incarceration. What was that, a couple hours, maybe?"

"If that." Dass grinned. "I'm hoping they'll spread rumors about deadly traps on board Navy ships. That'll help keep others from getting ideas like this."

"So is that it, then?" Grimthorn asked. "Mission's over?"

"More or less. Thanks for not killing anybody."

"Well, my original plan was to start spacing them until they talked. In my experience it only takes throwing about three bodies out an airlock for the rest to start talking. But you asked so nicely."

Dass peered at him closely, trying to tell if he were joking or not. Grimthorn's face gave away nothing.

"Do you play poker?" Dass asked.

"No."

"Well don't start."

"Noted."

Dass stretched.

"This was fun," he said. "You know, next time I need to work with a spacer, I'm think I'm going to request you by name."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"Come on now, I've already got you trained. It would be a shame to have to train another Navy man from scratch."

"I feel as though I missed the training part."

Dass gestured in the direction of the brig.

"That was it, pretty much. Anyway, I hope to work with you again someday." He held out his hand

Grimthorn thought for a moment, then shook the Duroclade's hand.

"Me, too," he said finally.