Synth

Now that TO knew exactly how DH felt about the story made it even harder for TO to talk about that fight with Kei and Mark’s involvement. They wanted to pretend that it hadn’t happened, that the part of them that shouted at Mark and disappointed DH didn’t exist. If they could have gone back in time somehow, they didn’t even know if they would tell DH the truth.

It was too late for all of that; the events had happened, that part of them existed, and they told DH.

“I can’t even remember what I was thinking when it happened.” TO said once they were done. They were leaning against the side of the bed, listening to Avery’s breathing under the beeping of the machines around them as they resting their head on their folded arms. “I... I want to say that I just wanted to stop them, that I wanted to keep them from hurting someone else.” They forced themself to relive that day, those moments, drawing up the memory and replaying the scenes in their head.

They forced themself to stare at the image of blood in their mind; shiny, wet, sticky blood. It made them feel oddly numb again, though they wished it would send them into a panic like it used to. It would have been an appropriate punishment.

“I drew my claws, and I tore into Kei.” They said, “I can feel it, you know...” They looked at their hands, and with a quick motion, drew their claws to look at the lethal tips. When they woke after the procedure, there was no blood on their hands and no gore in their claws, so TO could only imagine that DH had worked hard to remove every scrap of evidence from them. “I drew my claws, but I don’t even feel bad about that. Our claws are supposed to be a last resort, and Kei didn’t leave me with any other options...”

They replayed that moment again, their claws digging through Kei’s flesh as they struggled to stop Kei, to escape their flesh. They recalled the fight that put TO on their back, giving Kei an advantage as they knelt on TO’s chest, the gun inching to their face as the two struggled.

Then Mark arrived, and Kei turned to fire the gun at what they thought was DH.

“You know what I thought when Kei shot Mark?” They asked, as though Avery could respond, “When I saw Kei fire that last bullet, when I saw Mark grab his side...” they shook their head, “I thought, ‘It’s not DH!’ And in that moment I was just so happy that someone else had taken that bullet. Kei was out of bullets and wouldn’t be able to shoot DH even if they showed up. That Mark got hurt wasn’t a concern until after everything was over.” they pressed their face to their forearms. “I was relieved, and then I only cared about stopping-... About killing Kei. I even yelled at Mark to stop them, to trip them while they were bleeding out! Kei was running away, and I was telling them to fight me, telling Mark to trip them, and telling myself that you’d understand if Kei wound up dead... All that, when I should have just been glad they had given up, and should have been taking care of Mark.” TO shook their head in their arms, breathing even as they felt their ears burn with shame. “Even if I couldn’t have done anything for him, I could have at least made his last few moments more comfortable.”

More beeping rang from the surrounding machinery in place of a response from Avery. For a moment TO thought that maybe Avery’s breathing had quickened, but then decided it was just the racing of their own mind and heart that made things seem to move faster.

Despite Avery’s silence, TO’s mind was more than happy to provide hypothetical dialogue about what their friend might have said.

How could you?

You would have killed Kei?!

What if it was me there? Or GiDi? Would you have shouted at us while we bled out?

Dozens of other responses came to TO’s mind, but there was one that stood out from the others, the one which was worse than anything else Avery could say; I thought you were better than that.

“I thought I was better, too.” They said, sighing as they leaned against the edge of the bed, “And, when you wake up, if you want me out of the pod…” they hesitated, their stomach twisting. What would they do when Avery told them to leave? They were injured and needed help to do so many basic things right now! They couldn’t even get into their chair without help! Even if they had been perfectly healthy, the thought of being along again, of sleeping on their own, of having nobody to connect to make them want to cry.

No. No crying. They didn’t deserve it. How did Mark feel when TO was shouting at him in his last moments? Did that make him want to cry?

“…When you tell me to leave the pod, I will.” They said, “I… I can sleep elsewhere, apart from the rest of you. I’ll take care of myself, I’ll figure it out. And when we get to Scraprock, I’ll find somewhere to go.”

They hadn’t even thought about that. Where would they go? The first thought was Apoikia, and maybe they’d try to start over there. From what they understood, Chilacians often joined new pods for a variety of reasons! The only problem that TO could see was that Avery had to go there to recover from this Shatter Sickness. Would it be ok for TO to go with them? What if Avery’s pod decided to stay there in the end? Could TO stay there as well and survive without being part of their pod? They imagined what it might be like to walk past DH on a street in Okoia, or even back in the hallways of the training centre. Would it break their heart to see their mate walk past and look at them with indifference or disdain? Would they be able to handle that even if a new pod had accepted them?

Would they find a pod? If they were so harmful, who would have them in a pod? What happened to Chilacians who were too dangerous to be in a pod? They recalled what Snout told them ages ago about the exploratory ships: the ones in which certain synths would be put on as a major punishment, sent out into the void of space for the rest of their days to look for undiscovered planets. The isolation in that situation had always disturbed TO, and now they wondered if Chilacians had something similar; some place where they banished Chilacians who weren’t fit to be in a pod.

Was that what waited for them if they went to the Chilacian homeworld? If they didn’t go there, where would they go? Where could they go?

The spiral of planning and anxiety in TO’s head was blissfully cut short by a new beeping that sounded out from the others: A high-pitched, staccato tone which sounded out in three rapid beeps, followed by a rest, and then three more. TO froze, jolting up and looking over all the machinery, over Avery, trying to figure out what had happened. Had they done something? They looked around where they had been leaning, terrified that they had leaned on some wire or tube that they hadn’t seen. They knew little about this medical stuff, but at the very least, the shows they had watched with DH told them that this noise was a bad noise; this was normally when civilian doctors rushed in with special equipment and frantically worked around the patient to save their life while a terrified partner watched on from the corner, scared and helpless.

TO didn’t want to be helpless. They wanted to help, but what if they made things worse? What if they got in the way like the civilians did in those shows sometimes?

TO’s communicator went off: the chip at their hand beeping. With a gesture, they answered the call, and the screen projected in the air before them, showing DH’s face. There was a frantic twitching to their ears, which TO had of course expected given the sudden new and alarming noise coming from the machine. What they hadn’t expected was their mate’s ears to be perked up, flicked forward in hope and curiosity.

“You’re still down with Avery?” They asked immediately.

“Yes.” TO said, their ears dipping, “I don’t know what happened though: The alarms just-“

“No no, those are good sounds!” DH insisted. “Is anything happening? Is Avery moving? Making sounds? Did anything happen?”

“No, no, they’re just lying there: there’s been nothing odd.” They frowned, their ears flicking in concentration, “Well, there was a moment I felt their breathing was perhaps faster, but I thought it was just me-“

“Ok, and they don’t seem to be in any pain?”

“None.” TO confirmed as they glanced over Avery’s sleeping form once more. “They still seem to be sleeping peacefully.”

“Good, Ok. I’ll be right down. Don’t leave yet.”

The call dropped before TO could say anything else. There was nothing that TO could do here, and they didn’t know why DH asked them to stay. Still, the way DH had acted, how happy they had seemed judging from the angle of their ears, made TO think that it wouldn’t be like in the shows, and that they wouldn’t be cowering in the corner, watching while DH struggled to keep Avery alive.

Maybe Avery would wake up.

At first, TO’s heard jumped as the possibility flooded them with relief but in the next moment they realized that the sooner Avery woke, the sooner they’d know everything, and the sooner they’d make a decision on TO staying in the pod or not. Maybe they already made the decision. Maybe they had actually heard what TO said and their disdain and anger over everything somehow dragged them from the depths of their sleep, pulling them awake so they could do what had to be done.

They reached out and curled their hand around Avery’s. For now, they were still family, still part of a pod, and TO didn’t know how aware Avery was at this moment, or how scared they might be if they were awake, but trapped. They also didn’t know if holding Avery’s hand would help or not, but here and now, it was all they could do.