Synth

In the brief silence that followed, TO could hear Noss’ anxiety spike: His breathing came in short shallow breaths, and his heart beat like a drum under the music of the machines. That wasn’t something TO normally noticed, but they were so close to Noss that they were certain they could now. Well, maybe they didn’t actually hear that, maybe it was just the way Noss’ whole body seemed to pulse with each beat that made TO think they could hear it.

It was so odd to have a heart that beat rather than hum. Was Noss aware of it all the time?

“Well! I will, uh, I’ll leave you to your work, honored- I mean.” Noss stammered, his words falling him as he realized that his way of addressing TO wasn’t correct anymore. As the man cleared his throat, apologizing, TO suddenly realized the actual use of all the seemingly stupid rules of etiquette that spanned so many civilian cultures. In an awkward situation, one could simply fall back on pre-set rules of action and dialogue.

Those rules had now failed Noss, and since he didn’t know what to do, he simply fell into an awkward stammering.

“TO is fine.” TO said, as they made their way towards Avery, “I have no more formal title.” Why Noss was suddenly so anxious around them? They had already spoken since Noss left the Arkanian government: Once before they left, and again only the day before! Of course, before they left Arkane, Noss had been drinking with Pholi, so that could have limited his typical, obvious anxiety.

Though, that didn’t explain yesterday. In fact, yesterday, Noss seemed like an entirely different person. He had gone over all the facts of Kei’s access to their data, explaining how Kei had found them.

“Well, yes. Uh. TO. I’ll leave you to your work. Or uh. I’ll leave you to your friend.” They said, doing that same little bow as they backed away, creeping towards the door behind them.

“You don’t have to bow, either.” TO said, “I’m not an ‘envoy of King Decon’ anymore. In fact, I’m likely considered quite the rebel now, probably with a kill-on-sight order.” They paused as they looked down at Avery, then turned their chair to face Noss. “You were rather quick yesterday.” They said, their ears pinning back slightly. TO knew that Noss wouldn’t have recognized the gesture, but even so, it seemed to make him uneasy. “You ran through the situation and came up with logical reasoning as to how Kei found us.”

Noss chuckled as he backed away. “Well, yes. It’s my job. Was my job.”

TO frowned, “You said you disliked your job.” They said, “And that you weren’t suited to it.”

Even as the anxiety in Noss drew more of that secretion from his skin and pushed him to dab at his face with the sodden handkerchief, his brows knit together in confusion, “When did I say-“

“Before we left. You were drinking with Pholi.”

The skin on his face darkened. “Oh! Right. Right. I was..” he looked away, “Sorry, yes, I suppose I might have.” He gave a nervous chuckle, “Well, w-who doesn’t complain about their job when they’ve been drinking!?”

“I’m just surprised that, given what you said, you were as competent as you were,” TO said, watching Noss carefully. Was he just nervous around TO like he always was, or was this anxiety a sign of something else? Was his competency just a cover? Had he told Gyrini and Kei where they were?”

“Well. I, uh.” He shrugged, “I have been doing the job for a long time now. Even someone like me can learn!” He chuckled, “Put any animal of minimal intelligence to a task long enough and it’ll get good at it.” He wiped under his chin with the handkerchief, but TO wasn’t sure if it was doing anything to help. “That kind of–ah–risk assessment was a daily part of my job. Let’s say someone with any security clearance moved to another department, got fired, or got arrested, then it was my job to figure out how much information which they had access to might have been useful, and what they couldn’t have copied before they knew they’d lose their access. Then, I’d have to figure out how much damage that information could do, and then I’d have to make a plan for harm reduction.”

“I assumed that there was an automated system, so the moment that a person was arrested-“

“Oh, there is!” Noss said, putting his hands up defensively. “But. Well, let’s say one of my under-secretaries got caught doing something illegal, and was being chased by the Sharks-“

“Sharks?” TO’s ears quirked outwards. “In the water?”

Noss face darkened again, “Ah, no, Sharks. It’s uh, slang, I suppose, for the Arkanian authorities.” He cleared his voice and took another step backwards towards the door. “Let’s say someone was being chased by the authorities, but we didn’t know who it was. I’d have to look at the time the authorities began chasing them, and the time they got caught, filed, and their access to all government systems revoked. How much information could a person get from that? What information did they have access to? How much would that be worth to the wrong people-” He paused, then gave another nervous laugh, “oh uh, I suppose the right people since the insurgency got their hands on most of it.” He chuckled. “I had to go through all that, run risk assessments, and create a plan of action to make sure that any potential damage was minimal.” He looked aside, “I uh. Well, this was also when I could do the most favors for Pholi.”

“What do you mean?” TO asked, their own brows knitting together.

“Well, l-lets say that someone had access to incoming flight logs.. Oh! I remember that, uh, almost a year ago now, someone was arrested and they had access to incoming flight logs. One of them had information about synth ships coming to one of the lunar colonies. That information is invaluable, but also lethal to sell, if you get caught. Pholi was interested in incoming synth ships and bought the information from me. That was the ship that Snout was on, apparently.” He shrugged, “When the ship was compromised I launched an investigation, but since I had already placed that information under potential risks, we could assume that the stolen assets were a result of my former under-sectary selling information. It didn’t affect him, since he was already sent off to a different mining colony in another solar system.”

They suddenly realized what Noss was saying. The idea that Noss, this small, always nervous former minister, was the reason that Snout had gotten away from King Decon in the first place seemed entirely unreal to TO. Without realizing it, Noss had ensured that Flit and Snout could be together now.

Unknowingly, Noss had done more to help TO’s family, their pod, than TO had.

Their point made sense as well. Noss had been doing his job for long enough that there had been certain aspects which he had gotten good at. It occurred to TO that this was in rather stark contrast to TO themself, who seemed to only have gotten worse and worse at their ‘job.’ As Noss had just said, ‘Put any animal of minimal intelligence to a task long enough and it’ll get good at it.’ This made perfect sense, so why was TO only getting worse and worse? Why were they failing so badly now?

“... Right.” Noss said, suddenly clapping his hands and looking away, “I, uh, I’ll go. I’ll let you talk with Avery there, or sit with them. And uh... “

“If this place is safe for you-“

“Oh, I’m sure I can handle a bit of time out in the wild.” Noss said, a nervous laugh coming from him in little cracking croaks, “I’ll go find Pholi. We’ll spend some time going over news and the like. You know, keep useful and all!”

TO watched as Noss hurried out of the room, the door sliding behind him as he escaped and left TO alone with Avery and the beeping machines. Sighing, TO rolled over to the overturned chair and set it upright.

“Did you hear that, Avery...” TO said slowly. “Any animal of minimal intelligence will get good at a job if they do it long enough.” They sighed and wheeled over to Avery’s bedside. “So, what does that make me?”

They waited as though Avery might respond, as though the constant beeping of the machines attached to their friend might have some kind of hidden message, some code. Avery’s steady breathing. The rise and fall of their chest was a comfort at least, even if their face was drawn and thin from being on IV nutrition.

“...I’m not very good at my job.” They said after the silence had carried on for a while. “I mean, I was a good synth, in the beginning; They said I was clever, and I worked hard. I was ‘exceptional’.” They shook their head, “But that was just to keep everyone safe, wasn’t it?” They looked down at their lap, their hands clutching the dull, faded fabric of their pants. “All I wanted in training was to keep us all together. You, GiDi, DH and me. And.. I couldn’t even do that.”

Was that all they had wanted? They thought back to the early days of their training, back to where this all happened. “... I don’t even know if I did it for you. For any of you.” They said after they had been silent for a moment more. “... Do you know what it was like for me in the beginning? Before I met DH?”

They glanced at Avery, imagining what their response might be. *No, I don’t. You never talk about it.*

“I don’t like to talk about it.” They said, responding to the made-up response that the Avery in their head said. “Those first thirty days... All I wanted was someone to talk to. I’d have talked to anyone if they were kind, I just...” they stopped as those days came clearer to them, their isolation and loneliness.

“I always wanted someone,” they said. “Just someone to talk to. To be friends with. Before I found DH, it felt like I was trapped in a bubble, separated from everyone else. No matter how much I tried to talk to people, or connect with people, it didn’t work. They just got angry with me if I tried too hard, or they just started giving me that look.” They shook their head, “You know the one, don’t you? That one that just screams that they hate you. That they don’t want you around them. Or maybe you didn’t get that look. You were better at hiding. Or... maybe you got that look, and I just didn’t pay attention.”

That was entirely possible. Once DH was there, DH was all they really cared about.

“... I wanted to keep us all together.” TO said, “And... I failed. Well, first I wanted to make sure we all passed our examination, and I failed at that. Then I wanted to keep you, DH, and me together, and I failed at that too. Then we came here to Arkane, and I wanted to work hard so that DH and I could become retirees together.” They suddenly gave a sharp chuckle, “You know.. Maybe I’m not actually getting worse. It seems I have a track record of failing, don’t I?”

*’Well, things still worked out.’* The Avery-in TO’s-head said.

“Yes, things worked out, but that wasn’t thanks to me, was it?” TO said, “Flit saved GiDi, and GiDi got all of us away from King Decon...” They gave another bitter laugh, “GiDi’s done everything I wanted to do, but failed to do. I don’t know why I’m worried that I’m just failing now. Apparently, I’ve been failing all over the place since training. The only thing I was succeeding in was looking like a good synth! Everyone said I was smart and capable, and...” They paused, and leaned forward, their elbows resting on the arms of the chair as they rested their face in their hands. “And now I’m not even that anymore. I’m not even a Synth. I never was, was I? The one thing I was apparently good at was a lie.”

The constant beeping filled the silence that followed as TO let all these thoughts roll around in their head. “... Even you being here, it’s my fault.” They said, “I... I don’t know how. Nobody knows know why you went to see Kei. I don’t know what happened, but I wanted to protect you, too. I wanted to keep us all together... and now, here you are: unconscious, with all these machines plugged into you, and we don’t know if you’re going to wake up. You may never wake up.” Their hands dug into their face, “But... At least there’s a chance with you. You might wake up... And when you do, if you’re our Ankyra, it’s your role to keep us all together.” They looked at Avery. “You know that, though, right? That’s why you were trying so hard to take care of Kei. Because you cared about them... Even if they didn’t-or couldn’t-care about you. You were doing your job. Maybe, when you wake...” They stopped and took a long, shuddering breath to steady themself, “Maybe when you wake up, you’ll do your job, and you’ll see that I’m...” They stopped, their hands falling into their lap. “... that I’m not good for the pod.”

They wanted to be good for the pod. They wanted to help, but now that they realized that their whole life was just a constant series of failures, how could they possibly think that any new attempts they might make would be successful?

*Of course you’re good. You try. You care.*

“... That’s what DH thought too, I bet.” They said, “But... I think that they saw who I really am. No...” They shook their head, closing their eyes and willing tears back. “No. No, I told them who I really was.” They took another deep breath, blinking rapidly, calming themself. No, they didn’t deserve to keep it quiet, and they didn’t deserve to cry. Constance deserved to cry for what she lost, and DH deserved to cry since TO had fooled them for so long with this image of a person who, clearly, they weren’t.

No, they didn’t deserve to keep it quiet. “I showed myself who I really was... and it cost a man his life.”