Synth

“DH said they didn’t want to be around you?” Avery said in disbelief. Their ears flicked out as they listened. TO thought that they had reached the point of numbness once more, where they could tell Avery what happened without breaking down. They had been wrong. TO had honestly been impressed that Avery had understood most of what they had said. It was only as they finished telling Avery what happened that they started to calm down once more.

“That’s what they said.” TO muttered as they tried to wipe away tears. They were crying so much as of late it made their head hurt. “They said that they didn't want to be around me, and they didn’t want to talk to me.” TO felt like they were going to start crying again so they tried to breathe deeply to keep that from happening. Avery was doing their best, a hand on TO’s shoulder, gently patting them as they listened.

“I’m sorry.” TO muttered as they pushed themself up.

“It’s fine.” Avery said, though they were deep in through, “TO… Where were you when DH said this?”

“In our pods, I told you-”

“I know.. But I mean, where were you both? In the same pod?”

“No… No, I was in mind, DH was in theirs.”

“Could you see DH?”

“Well, I was leaning forward-”

“But could you see them? Could you see their face?”

DH had been positioned with their back to TO, and a blanket over their head. TO shook their head, “No” They said.

Avery gave a low hum, frowning as their ears twitched back, “Wel.l.. could they have been lying?”

TO stared at Avery in silence. After a moment, Avery just shrugged, “Well, it seems more likely to me that they lied to you rather than that being what they really want.” They shook their head, “It makes no sense. I’ve seen you and DH together, and I’ve heard GiDi talk about you both. GiDi even said that you have to talk to DH-”

“DH doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Then make them talk.”

TO sniffled again, but looked up at Avery, “How? They won’t. They don’t want to-”

“GiDi said that you have to get them to talk right? Maybe… maybe they knew something like this would happen?”

“How though? I mean-”

“GiDi… they used to talk about you two a lot.” Avery said, “mostly, how the two of you are idiots who don’t know how to communicate.”

“We communicate!.. well, we communicated…”

“With GiDi’s help!” Avery said, “Look, I just can’t think of a situation where DH wouldn’t want to be around you-”

“I can.” TO said, “I shot them. I let GiDi be taken away, I-”

“You had no control over what happened to GiDi!” Avery said, “They… They failed their examination and from what you told me, I don’t think anything you could have done would have stopped that.”

“I know I could have done something. I know there’s a way I could have saved them, I just couldn’t do it!”

“And you know what?” Avery said, “I bet DH is thinking the same thing; that there was something they could have done to help. No, I don’t think this is because of that. And even if they’re angry at you for shooting them in the simulation-”

“They are! You should have seen how they looked at me when we got out of the exam-”

“They were confused and scared.” Avery said, “If they were time-dilated, or if you were, then they might have just come out of the simulation when they were shot! Of course they’d been afraid.”

TO shook their head, but that idea crept into their mind. If they had just been viciously shot by DH, and then woke up to see DH standing right new to them, then TO figured that their own reaction would be quite similar… Maybe even worse.

“They wouldn’t have said that to me if they didn’t mean it.” TO finally mumbled.

“Why not?”

“They know how important they are to me.” TO mumbled, their ears flushing blue; they hoped that they weren’t saying too much. “They know that if they said something like that to me, then it would hurt. A lot. They wouldn’t have said that if they cared about me.”

Avery watched TO carefully, watching their ears, watching the way their wings wrapped around them.

“I asked once if you and DH were a couple. You said no. You weren’t lying.” they tilted their head, “I think maybe I had asked the wrong question.” They leaned forward, “Do you love DH?”

“Of course I do!” TO said quickly, wishing they could throw their hands over their ears, “And I love- loved- GiDi too! But-”

“No... No no. Let me rephrase; Do you love DH romantically?”

There it was. They couldn’t lie, and not answering would just confirm it.

“It doesn’t matter.” TO muttered, “DH hates me.”

“Do you love DH romantically?”

They weren’t going to let it go. TO glanced up at Avery, but they didn’t seem angry or disgusted. They seemed simply curious.

“...I think so.” TO finally said, their voice a fine whisper, “But they don’t-”

“You don’t know that.” Avery asked, “You never asked them, did you?”

“NO.. but…” They shook their head, “DH wouldn’t like that.”

“Again though, you don’t know that.”

“If I had asked them, they might have been disgusted, then they’d hate me.”

“Well, they already hate you, in your opinion, don’t they?”

TO didn’t respond. DH did hate them. Still, TO couldn’t handle it if DH looked at them with utter disgust.

Would it be better than if they never looked at TO again? They didn’t know.

Avery sighed, “Well. At any rate.” they said, “I think that at the very least you should find out exactly why they said that. And you should do it face to face. GiDi wouldn’t want you two to be like this, and I think they’d recommend the same thing. They’d insist.”

“But they won’t talk to me.”

“They sleep in a pod under you.” Avery said, “Make them talk to you. Jump into their pod and speak to them face to face even just for a minute. Find out why at the very least.”

“And… and if I’m right?”

“Then you’ll know for certain, and you can work from that.”

TO nodded, rubbing at their eyes.

“...And I’m sorry about GiDi.” Avery said, their voice a lot quieter now as their ears drooped down, “I know I wasn’t as close to them as you and DH were, but I still miss them too. They came and talked to me a lot.” They gave a little grin, “You know… They often ranted about what idiots you both are.”

“I just… I just wish I could see them again.”

“Well…” Avery said slowly, “You might, right? If what you told me about C12 is right?”

TO had originally hesitated in telling Avery what C12 had suggested they were going to do, and how it seemed like they might help GiDi. However, it only took them a moment to realize that if C12 was already repurposed, then there wasn’t much that could be done.

“It’s a big Galaxy, but if GiDi is alive, then they’re out there somewhere, right? Did C12 ever mention a place they might send someone?”

TO nearly said no. “Maybe.” They said. They remembered where they had sent Snout.

Arkane.

“Then maybe that’s where GiDi is. Maybe you’ll find them again. And if you don’t make an effort to talk to DH, then I know GiDi’s going to be very angry at you!”

A chuckle bubbled out of TO’s mouth. Somehow, that made them feel better. Hearing Avery talk about GiDi as though they were still around and alright, and as though meeting up again was an inevitability made TO feel better. They knew it was unlikely, but it still made TO feel better.

“So, you’ll go find DH?” Avery asked.

TO nodded, “Yes, I’ll find them.” they said, “I don’t think it’ll make a difference, I’ll just get to see how much they hate me instead of hear it.”

“I don’t think they could hate you.” Avery said, “Not from what I saw. I mean, could you hate them?”

“Never.”

“Even if they shot you in the face?”

“I… I’d be hurt, but I wouldn’t hate them. I’d be worried maybe I did something wrong, or-”

“Exactly.”

“But I’d never say those things to them!”

“Which is why you should find out why they said that!” Avery insisted, “Go. Go find them.”

“I don't know how I will.” TO muttered, “They’re avoiding me-”

“Like I said, they have to go to their pod at some point.” Avery said, “Just wait for them. Go there now and-”

Avery was cut off by a sudden beep from TO’s chip. TO looked down and read the message.

“Is it from DH?” Avery asked.

“No.” TO whispered as they got up, “I’m to report to medical.”

======

TO didn’t feel a need to rush to get to Medical; not like they normally would. What were they going to do afterwards? Go look for DH?

They wanted to. They didn’t want to. Somehow Avery had given them a little bit of hope that there was something they didn’t understand about what had happened. Still, if they were wrong they’d have to see DH as they said they hated them, as they said they didn’t want to be around them.

It hurt bad enough to just hear it the first time.

They walked into the Medical Bay where MO-6 was still sitting in their chair, looking through files. They glanced up as they saw TO and gestured to the beds.

“Take a seat.” they said, “I need to go over this.”

TO nodded and sat where they were told. They didn’t know why they had been called here. Maybe it was because they slept in today because of their meds.

Or… maybe it was because of their behaviour? But no, E45 had praised their behaviour. Apparently going through their day lost in their own head was better than how they normally acted.

Though TO knew that the observation deck was supposed to be safe, they wondered if maybe that had been changed. Maybe because TO, DH, and GiDi had been spending so much time there it had been rewired and TO’s confession about DH had been overheard.

Would they be corrected? They passed their examination though, so they should be safe from that. C12 hadn’t said what happens to synths who love other synths, but they did say that they had been caught, and separated from Snout way back when they were trainees.

Would they just be told to keep away from DH, or would they be corrected? If they got corrected, at least then they wouldn’t hurt so much. At least then this constant, heavy sadness in them would stop.

Q10 hadn’t been happy after being corrected, but they hadn’t been as broken as they were before.

MO-6 finished their work, closed their screen, and got up from their seat. “You skipped your first meal.” they said as they made their way over to TO.

“My first… I … Yes, I did.” TO said, very confused, “I slept in. I missed my combat training.”

“Yes. The medication I gave you in your final meal shouldn’t have lingered that long.”

TO dipped their head, their ears flicking down in as they did, “Apologies, I didn’t eat it right away. I nibbled on it through the evening, and finished it before I slept.” They glanced up, “I did eat it all though!”

“I see.” MO-6 said, “You also didn’t receive your second meal.”

They bowed their head again, “As I said, I missed my combat training and because of that I was called in to see my overseer. I showered, and then went to my vocational training after that.”

“You choose to shower instead of eat?”

“I hadn’t showered after my examination.”

MO-6’s ears flicked back, “I see.” they said, “And I saw that you did receive your last meal. Did you eat it?”

They hadn’t. Their last meal was still sitting in the observation deck, untouched.

“... Apologies, I forgot to bring it with me when you called me here.”

“You should have had time to eat before now.” they said. They turned around and went to a food machine in the wall. They put in TO’s code, and a replacement of their meal came out.

“Eat.” they said. “There’s no medication in this; it’s normal food.”

They were hungry, but they didn’t really want to eat. Their stomach still felt like there was something heavy and hot inside it. Still, they ate. They ate slowly and though MO-6 stopped watching them closely after the first few bites they still watched to make sure that TO finished their meal. It was only when TO had broken up the last of the plate and ate the remains that MO-6 spoke again.

“Good.” They said, “You feel like you can keep that down?”

“Yes, Officer.” TO muttered. They didn't feel great, but for the moment they felt like they’d keep the food down.

“Good.” They said. “And how’s your flying coming along?”

“Apologies; I haven’t been flying in the last few days.” TO said, their ears once more flicking down, “I was unwell yesterday, and earlier this period we were… I was preparing for my examination-”

“You’ll spend at least three hours in flight now.” MO-6 said, “I have been tracking you; that’s why I knew that you hadn’t eaten your food-”

“You were tracking me?” TO couldn’t keep the surprise from their voice, or keep their ears from flicking out, “Why?”

MO-6 just gave them an odd look. “Because you’re my patient? I check on all my patients for at least three days after treatment.” They narrowed their eyes, “That means I’ll be watching to make sure you go to the Flight Training room, understand?”

“Understood, Officer.”

“Good. And I want to see you flying for the rest of the period at least.” They turned, started back to their chair, then stopped. There was a sudden hesitation in them, and TO could see their fist clench.

“It… can be difficult, for some, to see a good synth get repurpose so close to the end of their training.” they said carefully, “That is understandable, and I assure you that you are not the first to react...poorly to it. It will be easier to comprehend as time passes.”

“...My thanks.” TO said. They wondered if maybe MO-6 had lost someone in their own examination as well, but they found that they didn’t have the mental energy to think about it.

They turned and left without any other questions or comments.

======

The hallway to the flight training room was deserted. That was good; if they couldn't hide with synths who understood them, then at least they wanted to be left alone. Did Avery feel that way? They preferred to be alone; was that a preference, or was it easier to be alone than to be around others who didn’t understand you.

TO remembered how alone they had always felt back in the early days, before they met DH. How they preferred to be alone then too because it was just easier than being around everyone else, and facing their indifference and disdain.

Well, for now they were grateful that they were alone.

TO decided that they’d fly for three hours as they were told, and maybe they’d feel better after that. Then, they’d head to their pod. Maybe they’d find DH there, and sort out everything, or maybe DH would tell them how much they hated them.

Hope and dread in equilibrium; at least TO could throw themselves into their flight.

They opened the door, and quietly stepped in. They stood at the edge of the platform and spread their wings, stretching the muscles properly for the first time in days.

Their ears twitched as they caught a faint sound; they weren’t alone. They folded their wings and turned to leave; there was another flight training room just down the hallway; they’d go there. They had to fly, and they wanted to be alone; they’d make that happen at least.

They reached out and nearly opened the door when their ears focused enough to make out what the sounds they were hearing actually were.

Crying.

Not just any crying either.

Being alone didn’t matter anymore. Flying didn’t matter anymore. Any disdain that DH might hold for them didn’t matter anymore. They jumped off the ledge and flew upwards, making their way to the platform where they used to hide with DH and GiDi.

There was DH, sitting on the platform with their knees curled up to their chest, their arms and wings around their legs as they cried into their knees. It was only when TO landed on the platform that DH even looked up and saw that TO was there.