Stars Dancing [Dreams-To-Lovers Romance]

A song so beautiful

you weep.

Collected Unpublished Lyrics

-Sibsil Creed, Stories of Shurwinn (2765)

RYST

Journal

Relapse Day 1: There was pain. No, I was pain. I was pain. I was pain. Again. Relapse. Should've expected it. Three weeks in Equi— rented casita, hospital visits, reading Gentia's research files, studying everything I could, writing new articles, talking, talking, talking. Holding us both together— me and Peydran, alone— together.

Peydran had done so well, so well! Three weeks, and he'd been able to go home without any complications. He'd gone home to his apartment, and was living independently, going to therapy every day locally in Media. He'd hired a dairy-free chef in Equi to come back with him to Media. He'd called it "Project Peydran—" his name for the research study we were doing on cybernetics and uncooked vegetarianism, with him as the only subject. He was doing better than I had expected.

The chef had been a brilliant idea; Chef Amran was lactose intolerant and specialized in dairy-free cashew nut cheeses which opened up a whole new world of possibilities. I wondered if Chef could help me through the relapse? I was so tired. So tired. I hurt. I couldn't open my eyes. Not yet. I'll ask for help later. Just rest.

I couldn't rest. I could never rest when I got that bad. Too much muscle tension. Why? My blood tests and brain scans had been fine at Equi Hospital. Why did it keep happening to me? Why does life have to hurt so much all the time? Why is it so hard? What is all this suffering for? Why must we all hurt and suffer and never get better? What is wrong with us? What is wrong with the world that young women fall needlessly ill and best friends loose their hands? Why do children weep? Why do mothers weep for lost babes? Why must fathers weep for the lost ones? Why? Oh, Cosmos, why is it always so hard?

My busy mind skipped to the Art and Practice books. There is light. There is a presence. There is something. Something does animate us. Something does breathe with us, stirring us, and we give it form. We breathe it in and shape it. I've birthed dozens of new lives. Watching them grow in wombs, and being there when they were pushed out, or delivered in the operating theatre. It didn't matter where or when or how tired I was, it was always full of awe and wonder. New life. A miracle.

But what of the other times? The ones that didn't live? The loss? The grief? The tears? For everyone. Mothers. Fathers. Parents. Family. Friends. Nurses. Birth assistants. Hospital staff. So much grief. And for what? What in the Known Cosmos is worth all of this pain? Why must we suffer so? How do we end it? How do we get to a world without suffering? Can it exist? Can it ever feel good— all the time? Can I ever feel good— all the time?

Ryst: If I borrow Chef Amran, could he bring a ton of juices?

Peydran: Delivery incoming in one hour.

Ryst: Tell him to notify me when he's at the door to the dorm.

I needed to get up. I could get up. I was better. My feet weren't ice. I wasn't sweaty. I didn't feel bruised from head to toe. I was weak, and I was tired. But I could move. I could do this. Juice delivery. Getting up. Going to the door. Thank you, Chef. Yes, I'll be okay. This will help.

It did help. It really did. I slept.

Dream Journal

There were leaves. Autumn leaves—autumn! Autumn was a distant memory. Burnt red leaves slowly drifting in sunlight. Glowing red. Red-orange. Maple leaves. Drifting down, and down, and down. Falling slowly, gently. Like puffy snowflakes. Falling from the sky. Slowly. Down. It was golden too. In the background, and on the ground. Golden leaves, I thought. Ginkgo and maple. A backdrop of gold. A carpet of gold. With red leaves falling down.

My eyes popped open. Everything was foggy and hazy. So tired. If I could just keep my eyes closed for a bit. I wasn't so sore. Just tired. My mouth felt parched. So tired. Could I get up?

The dream, I thought with a smile. Golden leaves of ginkgo and maple and red maples floating down in leafy contentedness. It had been so peaceful. A good dream.

My thoughts drifted. Someone was with me, laughing in fits.

I did it! I did it! I felt him say. Jubilant! He was jubilant! And laughing hysterically and — WHAT?

My nose was against his neck, and my arms were wrapped around his neck.

He was laughing so hard, not at me, but at the situation. Something was so funny. What? Me kissing his neck?

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No, I felt him laughing. It's working. It's really working! I felt him laughing. And he was soooo turned on, but laughing at it.

What was going on? And I suddenly knew. He was, what? Crouched on the floor? Stroking himself? And laughing in fits?

I laughed too. I couldn't help it. He was doing this to himself to try to find me, and he was ecstatic that it was working.

I'm gonna help, I teased him.

I looked down. There was a dark brown hand in a fist. I reached out my hand to grasp it—

I blinked. Was I awake? Had I been asleep? I sat up. No, I was awake! I was awake! I was awake! He had DARK BROWN SKIN.

"Peydran, Peydran! He has dark brown skin!" I screeched at the pad hovering in front of me in video mode. "Dark brown. Not the darkest black, but dark."

"Ryst," he focused. Peydran didn't even hesitate. He was all data collection and details. "What happened? Tell me every single detail."

"Right. Yes. Ok. I had a dream. Gold leaves— autumn, ginkgo, and golden maples all in the background and on the ground like a carpet. I think it was ginkgo and maple. Yes, that seems right. And red, beautiful red maple leaves were falling, drifting gently like snowflakes. It was so pretty, and quiet. The most peaceful and happy dream. So content."

"Then I woke up. And I wasn't feeling so good, but I was kind of dreamy and spacey. And then I felt someone laughing. Like, really laughing. Totally jubilant! He was there, Peydran! It wasn't a dream. I could feel him laughing. He was laughing at himself because it was working. He was trying to find me, and it had worked! Ahh— well, you did say details. Ok, well, this is gonna be like the Art and Practice—"

"Doesn't matter. We're adults. Say it."

"He was sitting in a strange way. I think on the floor, maybe? With his back against the wall? He was stroking himself and laughing. I started laughing too when I realized what he was doing. And," I winced, "I told him I'd help. Then when I looked down, I saw his fist."

I laughed. Yes, we were adults, but dear stars, I did not want to describe this out loud. "His hand was dark brown. Nice fingers. Not stubby. Not fat. Not knobby. Strong. Very masculine and sturdy. Not thin or fragile looking."

"How dark brown? What shade?"

"Dark. Darker than anyone I've met in Media. Darker than Glorian."

"Size? Bigger than your hand? Smaller than mine?"

"Hmm. Definitely a lot bigger than my hands. Bigger than your hands, Peydran! Yes, keep asking me questions!"

"The rest of him. What else did you see? Touch?"

"My face was against his neck."

"Beard? Facial hair? Scents? Any scents? Leaves? Flowers? Cologne?

"No beard. I don't recall stubble, but it could have been there. Don't recall— oh, I was touching the back of his neck! No hair on the neck! Yes, Pey! He MUST have short hair!"

"Clothing? Collar? Did you feel a shirt? Was he wearing anything?"

"Hmm. No pants. Oh, no shirt! No, he wasn't wearing anything."

"Chest hair?"

"Don't know"

"Cologne? Scents? Focus, Ryst."

I took a deep breath. Scent. "No idea. Just joy. Elation that it worked."

"Age— spots on the skin. Wrinkles. Under 35?"

"Ahh… Under 35. Yes, Peydran! More questions!"

"Under 25?"

"Ahh.. mmm… Hard to tell? Maybe?"

"Under 30?"

"Yes!"

"Over 15?"

"What? Gross. Ok, hold on. Definitely a man. Definitely over 15."

"Over 20?"

"Umm. Mm.. Maybe. Hard to tell."

"Over 17?"

"Yes!"

"Over 18?"

"Umm. Hard to tell. I think so. Unclear, but it's not wrong."

"Words. What exactly did he say, Ryst? Focus."

"No words. It was," I waved my hand in the air. "It was ideas, just ideas— impressions. I just knew. He didn't say anything. I just knew."

"But you talked to him? Did you say words, like 'I'm going to help'?"

"Ummm. I don't think so. I think I just told him with the idea. And then I saw his hand when I reached for him."

My eyes jerked open. "That's all I've got, Peydran. I'm too tired. I have to rest. Thanks so much. Sorry. Gotta lie down."

Chef Amran's Cheddar Spread and Sauce

INGREDIENTS:

- 2 dried shiitake mushrooms

- 2 cups raw cashews

- 1/2 teaspoon garlic granules

- 1 teaspoon dried minced onion

- 1/2 teaspoon sea salt

- 1 dried guajillo chile (or sub 1/2 small chile de arbol or other dried red chile. We want the color, but not heat.)

- 1-5 capsules of probiotics. For quicker cheese culturing, you want 15,000 colony forming units (CFU) of probiotics. So, if your probiotic only has 5,000 CFU, use 3 capsules. You can use one capsule, but it will take longer for the cheese to get the tangy flavor of sharp cheddar.

- 1-2 zucchini for noodles. And optional garnish of green onion and chopped tomatoes.

CHEDDAR INSTRUCTIONS:

- Place the mushrooms and cashews in a bowl and cover with water. Allow to soak overnight.

- When ready to prepare cheese, drain half the water off of the cashews.

- Remove stem and seeds from guajillo chile and discard. Slice the chile into strips with kitchen scissors or a knife.

- Add mushrooms, cashews, garlic, onion, salt, chile, and probiotics to a high speed blender. Open the capsules of probiotics and dump the powder in the blender. Discard the empty capsules.

- Blend until the mixture is completely creamy and starts to get warm— usually about 1-2 minutes. Scrape down the sides if needed and add a tablespoon of water at a time if it is too thick to blend.

- Transfer cheese to a bowl and cover with either a cheesecloth, a tea towel, or a paper towel. Secure the cover with a rubber band. You want the probiotics to get oxygen from the air, so DO NOT COVER IT WITH A LID. Leave it sitting out on the kitchen counter for 24 hours. Then put it in the fridge for 3-7 days to sharpen. The longer it sits, the sharper the flavor. Never cover it with a lid. It needs to breathe. A dry crust may form on the top. Just scrape it off and add water to it to rehydrate it or eat it straight— it's cheese, people!

- The cheese will thicken as it cultures and will become a thick cheddar spread. You can thin it with as much water as you would like to make a dairy-free cheese sauce or dressing.

CHEF'S NOTES:

- Ryst's favorite variation: For zucchini noodles, thin with a little water, and add two dashes garlic powder, 3/4 teaspoon chili powder, a dash of cayenne pepper, a dash of sea salt, 1/2 cup cilantro, 1/2 cup sliced button mushrooms and 1/2 cup thawed peas.

- Peydran's favorite variation: For zucchini noodles, add 1/2 pressed fresh garlic clove, 3 dashes sea salt, 1 tablespoon fresh sliced basil, 1/4 teaspoon oregano, and extra tomatoes.

- Chef's favorite: Make a peppercorn dressing by thinning 4 tablespoons cheddar with 1-2 teaspoons water. Add 1/8 teaspoon sea salt, 2 dashes garlic granules, 2 dashes kelp granules, and 1/2 teaspoon coarse-ground black pepper. Drench lettuce with it— it's the only way to make lettuce taste edible. Make sure to have a bottle of peppercorn dressing ready to go in case of emergency trips to J's Ale House. Oh, wait, why am I lying? No one will see this. The truth? All those "salads" at J's? As soon as Ryst and Peydran left, J brought out pints, a crusty sourdough, and bowls of linguine. We downed the best ale in Media and slathered bread with cheddar spread, then drowned linguine in peppercorn dressing and ate it hot. Good times, those were. Raise a glass to J!

- Sibsil Creed, Stories from Shurwinn (2844)