NOVEL NEXT 214: Who’s The Best?
SLYDAR
"Night Jenta!"I called, heading outta the skate park for home, kids, and Rory. I jogged since it was a bitter cold night, and the city kept the sidewalks clear of snow so people wouldn't slip. It was an easy few blocks to our apartment. Yeah, we still lived in the apartment because we hadn't been able to find a house to buy.
There'd been one that we loved a block from my place of work, but it'd gotten five offers on it, so we didn't get it. It'd been only three bedrooms, anyway, so it wasn't perfect, and it didn't have a basement either, but we'd been so desperate to get outta the apartment that we'd decided to let some of the priorities go.
That one hadn't worked out, and neither had anything else, so we were still cramped in the apartment with two little 'uns and tryin' not to complain about it since we'd done it to ourselves. He he. We'd had a lot of fun doing it to ourselves, hadn't we?
I chuckled to myself at the memories as I pulled open the apartment door. A squealing Switch ran towards me screeching, "Dahhh!" Grabbing him and tossing his tiny body into the air, I hollered, "Switch, who's the best baby boy on the block?!"
He cackled as I caught him and lowered him to the floor, kissing his mom and three-month-old sister. Yeah, the surgeries'd taken a lot out of Rory, and we'd relied on family a lot those first few months of Bitsy's life. Rory's mom and dad were life-savers, and Slick, my dad, came over just as much to clean the house or take Switch out for playgroups with his cousins.
Apparently, they'd all converged at our place tonight, and the result smelled amazing. Ashten Crieve, my mother in law, was an absolute saint of a domestic diva. Always cleaning, cooking, and changing nappies. Rory got to work full time, and we didn't need childcare because Ash was always there watching the kids and calling Slick to come over. My kids had the best life with their grandparents so close by, and I got to come home to nights like this:
A warm, clean home with a kitchen that smelled of Taste of the Sea Pie. It was a favorite recipe of Rory's Aunt Shah's, and everyone loved it, but we usually had it for special occasions. And why was my dad there? He gave me a hug at the same time as Dwin, Rory's dad.
"Did I forget someone's birthday? Or anniversary? No, Rory, it's not ours? Wait, what's goin' on tonight?" I asked them, perplexed at the festive atmosphere.
The table was laid and everyone was taking seats, so I washed up and joined them. Switch was already in his high chair popping blueberries in his mouth as Ashten served me a heaping scoop of seafood pie. I dove in, and finally Rory's dad explained what all the excitement was about.
"Good news, the very best news!" he declared, as theatrical as always. "I, Dwinlyn Crieve, grandfather of these two perfect children, have procured a possible domicile for this family."
"WHAT?!" I wanted to jump up and down on the table in glee, but I managed to contain myself as Rory giggled next to me.
"That's right, Slydar Joon, consider yourself a lucky man to have wooed the fruit of my loins."
Ashten groaned. This was an old joke of Rory's family's, and I'd heard it a million times, but it still made me laugh, and Dwin had the best presentation of them all, so I cracked up, playing along with his story telling.
"As soon as you impregnated my daughter for the second time--"
Rory was in stitches, not even trying to eat her dinner anymore.
"I knew that apartment life would become unreasonable and unsafe for all of my progeny. So, I began a quiet but deliberate venture to undermine the confidence of the person who owned the most perfect house. Slowly, bit-by-bit, over weeks and months, I convinced him that four bedrooms was just not enough for a single man in his sixties. No, he needed five bedrooms! And a bigger yard with a dog! Because that was what men his age did!"
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There wasn't a dry eye around the table, and all of us held our sides, guffawing as Dwin regaled us with tales of his masterful manipulations.
"Then, lo and behold, two days ago, my perfect wife, a picture of domesticity and love, found out that a five bedroom house up the street would be going up for sale soon. Of course, lovely Ashten told me all about it. And I rushed over to this man I knew confiding in him the news which was not yet gossip. Telling him that if he made an offer before the house was even listed, he wouldn't have to go through the hassle of haggling and competing with other buyers."
"And what do you think happened, my friends? How did that story end? Well, have no fear, I shall tell all. This man I knew, yes, gullible and a bit silly in the head, if you must know, quite concerned with trends and fashion, and easily swayed by what is considered 'cool,' well, he went to see that five-bedroom-house and fell in love with it. He made an offer for ten thousand credits above the market value, and his offer was accepted!"
"Now, I know you're all wondering why I'm describing this fascinating account of my devious deception, so I shall make it all clear. Where does this man live? Why, in a four-bedroom-house with a basement. And the perfect yard for my grandchildren to play in is only five blocks from the skate park and right next door to my lovely wife and I."
My jaw dropped. Then I jumped up, ran around the table, and grabbed Dwinlyn Crieve outta his chair, swinging him around and whooping for joy!
I knew the house, of course, it was adorable and impeccable, the older gentleman who lived there being a solitary type who liked things neat and tidy. I'd never been inside, but I didn't care.
"You crazy ba— good fella! You amazing mother f— uh, frogger! Woooo hooo!"
Dwin was having none of that, no! He was ready with a song, and let loose, and Rory joined him, wailing:
Play "Who's The Best" by Dwin Crieve & Rory Joon
"Who's The Best?"
It's always me!
Sing it with me!
Scream it for me!
Eternally!
I'm the best!
Tell me again.
You know it's true.
Me, all me, it's always me, eternally!
Who's the Best?
Grampa's the Best!
Say it once more!
It's always me!
Sing it with me!
Scream it for me!
Eternally!
It's always me!
Who gon stop?
No can stop.
It's always me.
Grampa's the Best!
I am the best!
Say it right now!
It's always me!
Sing it with me!
Scream it for me!
Eternally!
- Dwinlyn Crieve and Rory Joon
I danced, of course, how could I not? With my wife and her dad riffing like you wouldn't believe, and us gettin' a house that was everything we needed! Woo! We eventually calmed down the party, and I remembered there was probably somethin' official to do in order to buy that perfect home.
"Wait, Ashten, do we make an offer? Oh wait, baby, I'm fu— farting up again, do you wanna see that house?"
Rory still hadn't stopped laughing, so she just shook her head and pointed to her mom who handed me a pad, open to a contract. I scanned it, seeing the cost. Yeah, it was just a little above our price range, but it was doable. I added my thumbprint next to Rory's.
"Let's do it! What should we do, guys? Go tell him right now?"
Ashten shook her head, "No, Dwin has a way with Charles Menstin, so on our way home, we'll stop by and tell him the good news that his house has already sold. I know you'll want to see the interior, so we can go tomorrow, first thing. Does that sound okay?"
"Okay?! Ash, this is the best news ever! Wooo hoo!" The kids squealed at our antics, and we all laughed and poured more wine and celebrated the new house. Dwin yodeled with glee, and no one could stop giggling the rest of the night.
The next day we saw that perfect house, and it was everything we'd ever wanted. We threw a big packing party at the apartment for all our friends and family to help us say good bye to our old haunts, and three months after Bitsy was born, we moved into our new home.
