Splinter Angel

It hurt. It hurt more than Ana would ever have guessed. Even though Ana hadn't planned on leaving the outpost for the next several weeks at least, even though she really couldn't blame Kaira or the guys, even though they'd implicitly offered Messy a spot in the Party if she wanted it, being told that she was effectively out hurt.

It really shouldn't have surprised her, Ana thought. Neither the Party's decision, nor her own reaction. She'd abandoned them, and she'd done something which might have, if they'd been in a fight at the time, caused someone to get hurt or worse. And she knew herself well enough to know that being excluded and people distancing themselves were the things in her life that tended to hurt her the most.

It still hurt more than she would ever have guessed.

She hadn't even been aware of her own reaction. She'd thought she was handling it pretty well. She only realized something was off when, after Kaira left them standing in the street before Touanne's house, Messy had wiped the corners of Ana's eyes and whispered, "Oh, oh no! Angel, I'm so sorry!" It was only when Messy gathered Ana into her arms and she found herself resting her face on Messy's shoulder that she realized that she was crying. Silently, softly, without any real energy behind it, but still. The tears were gone as quickly as they'd come, but they were still tears.

Then she straightened again, sniffed once to clear her nose, and nodded to Messy. "Thank you," she said. "But it's not your fault. I fucked up. I didn't think things through, and I put them all at risk. I'll deal with it. Let's… let's go home, huh? We should let Master Renvi know that you can be back at work tomorrow, and I need to talk to Captain Falk, and to Jisha and Rayni and… and to Kaira and Tor and Om. But let's go home first, okay?"

"Sure, yeah," Messy said. She held Ana's hands gently, as though she were suddenly made of spun sugar or thin glass. "You need to drop your gear off, and we could both use a change of clothes, couldn't we?"

"Right," Ana said. Tellak had taken their clothes to be washed and mended while they were recovering and the stitching was so fine Ana could barely tell where the bolts had pierced her tunic, but she appreciated the excuse.

Really, she just wanted somewhere no one but Messy could see her or hear her to let everything out. She was pretty sure Messy knew that; it wouldn't be the first time. But she appreciated the excuse nonetheless.

It was about an hour before Ana felt ready to face the world again. She hadn't cried nearly as much as she'd expected; not the full-body, heaving tears that she was used to when she needed emotional release. Mostly she'd just let Messy hold her as she lay there, silent, her mind nearly blank, until she felt that she was done; that she had things to do, and didn't have time to feel sorry for herself.

Hell, things weren't even that bad, she told herself. It wasn't like Kaira and the guys didn't want to be friends anymore. They just didn't see that they could go Delving with her right now, during a period that she couldn't go with them anyway. What was even the problem?

"Do you want to go see Captain Falk first, or Jisha and Rayni?" Messy asked gently as she helped Ana on with one of her good tunics.

"Falk," Ana mumbled. "Jisha and Ray are probably at Petra's. Om might be there. I…"

"Not yet? Wait until dinner?"

"Not yet," Ana agreed. She felt… pouty? Petulant? Or just raw? She wasn't sure, herself.

"Alright," Messy said, fixing Ana's collar where it had folded on itself. "Let's talk to Master Renvi, and then we'll go to the guard house and talk to the Captain."

Master Renvi was as understanding as ever. As far as Ana could tell, he didn't actually need Messy to run the shop. Her impression was more that Renvi just liked Mestendi and wanted to help set her up for a successful career as a jeweler. Frankly, she liked the man. He was very… avuncular. In a weird way he reminded her of Mr. Stamper, only without the muscle, the violent temper, or the pig farm.

Come to think of it, Captain Falk reminded her of Mr. Stamper sometimes, too. He was usually calm and kind, but had a righteous, vengeful streak that could come out when anyone innocent got hurt. Mr. Stamper had been like that. He just had his own definitions of innocent and guilty that differed a bit from the law. And Captain Falk certainly didn't mind Ana getting violent with anyone who deserved it. Though that was, admittedly, where the similarities ended.

At the guard house Marra told them that the captain was in, and to just knock before entering.

"I do wish we could have solved this with no violence," the captain said, leaning back in his chair, palms flat on his desk. Mr. Stamper would never have said that so earnestly. "But having spoken with most of the individuals involved, I also understand that they truly left you no choice."

He looked older than he had only two months earlier. It wasn't that the grey in his hair had become more pronounced, or that he had any new lines on his face. If anything, he'd filled out a little since getting out of the Trap Delve. But there was an abiding tiredness to him now that just hadn't been there before he left on his ill-fated expedition — an air of general disappointment, as though the world itself had let him down.

He breathed in slowly through his nose, letting the air out as a deep sigh. "Assault in the street, ambush, attempted murder… this used to be such a calm Splinter, do you know? Indeed it was. A little rustic, even compared to the remaining wilds of the Primes, but Marra and I are both used to roughing it. Her more than me, truth to be told. I spent my youth patrolling outlying villages, but she grew up in the Splinters, always on the move. And then, we moved around together, for three long, wonderful decades. I was amazed when she encouraged me to take this position, knowing it would tie us down for several years at least. She barely even Delves anymore!"

Then he smiled ruefully and shook his head. "But I ramble, and you are not here for the nostalgia of an ageing guardsman. No, indeed not. Miss Mestendi, Miss Cole, these unprovoked attacks on you should never have happened, and I wish to apologize. I have been lax in my duties as the martial captain of this Splinter. I should have seen the risk that someone might attempt to harm either of you, and I should have taken steps to prevent that. Instead I chose to have faith in the people of my Splinter, with tragic results for us all. For that, you have my humblest apologies."

After Falk finished, Ana and Messy both sat silently for a moment. The captain had begun talking almost the moment they sat down, like he'd had the words inside him straining to get out, and they'd both listened patiently. It seemed like the right thing to do when "an ageing guardsman," who was clearly hurting, asked for their forgiveness.

Messy spoke before Ana decided how to say what she wanted to. "As much as I appreciate your feelings, and your apology, I don't see how you or anyone could have predicted where or when I might be attacked," she said. "Short of putting a guard on me at all times, there's really nothing you could have done. Captain Falk, I accept your apology and forgive you wholeheartedly, but I don't think either is necessary. No one is at fault here, except the people you currently have in custody."

"Some of whom I have known for a year and more," Falk said despondently. "But I thank you for your kind words, Miss Mestendi. Yes indeed."

"Guilt and forgiveness aside," Ana said, "what now? I'd guess you don't want me combing through the outpost and throwing out every Sentinel-worshipper I can get my hands on."

"And you would be correct, because we must assume that most of those people are entirely innocent in this. No, I'm afraid we shall have to resort to being patient and careful. We shall question the prisoners to see if anyone else is involved. If so, we shall question those persons, and so on until we root out the conspirators. And then," the captain added with a heavy sigh, "I shall be interviewing every known worshipper of the Lord of Order, to make certain that they do not and will not plan any hostile action against our Guild, our Splinter, or anyone within either."

"And you couldn't have done that in the first place?" Ana asked, much more bitterly than she intended. It seemed like such an obvious measure, one which might have prevented Messy's ordeal entirely, that she simply couldn't hide her irritation.

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A gentle hand on her shoulder and a soft, "Angel," almost a plea, from Messy soothed her somewhat, but it still took a moment for Ana to school her face.

"I could not," Falk said, and his tone was so firm, the look in his eyes so stern, that there was no room to doubt his sincerity. "Marking people as suspect because of the god they worship is unjust. Asking people to report their friends who worship a certain god, so that I may interrogate them, is unjust. These are the actions of tyrants. I am uncomfortable in the extreme with my plan as it currently is, and if I saw a reasonable alternative, I would take it. Yes indeed! To be absolutely frank, Miss Cole, I am doing this because I see the violation of their rights as justified by the possible harm it might prevent. If I can stop even one person from getting themselves killed doing something incredibly stupid, it will be worth it."

Something about his phrasing at the end bothered Ana, and it only took a moment's reflection to realize what it was. He'd said, "from getting themselves killed." Not, "from killing someone."

"You're doing this for their sake?" she asked incredulously.

Falk sighed. "Yes, Miss Cole, I am doing this for their sake. And please, don't misunderstand me. If anyone tries to harm yourself or anyone close to you, I have no illusions about the likely outcome, no indeed. Nor do I have any suspicions about your character. You have, so far as I know, been entirely justified in every act of violence you have committed. I simply don't want you to be forced to carry out any more, and especially not against people who are normally well liked and respected members of this community, and may continue to be so with a stern warning and a few weeks to consider their beliefs."

"As long as they don't commit suicide by angel," Ana muttered. But she could, when she forced herself, see things from Falk's perspective. Messy had survived her assault. Ana had survived the ambush. And yet four members of his community were dead, and a dozen more were in custody, added to those who were already locked up after they backed Trig's little assassination attempt.

Yeah. She could understand why he'd be worried about the potential perps rather than her and those she cared about. That didn't mean that she had to like it, or that they parted on anything but awkward terms.

A month and a half earlier, Ana had stood outside Petra's inn feeling awkward and nervous. She'd been asked to join the other militia officers for dinner, and she'd known that they wanted something from her — something she'd felt obligated to give them despite how uncomfortable it made her. That was how she'd become the unofficial, and later official, military leader of the outpost, and it was the first strokes of the target she now had painted on her back.

That evening at sunset she stood there again, feeling nervous for entirely different reasons. She'd only spoken to one person from her Party since abandoning them in the forest, and then leaving that Party and withdrawing the bonuses she provided. That person was Kaira, and she'd pretty much kicked Ana out of the gang.

In a minute, Ana was going to go in there, and she fully expected everyone to be having dinner together. Kaira, Tor, Om, Ray, and Jisha; she was going to have to face them, to explain herself and apologize.

It helped enormously that, just like that time a month and a half ago, she had Messy by her side. "Come on, Angel," Messy said, smiling confidently as she pulled on Ana's arm. "There's nothing to be nervous about. They love you. Just be honest, and I know that they'll forgive you. And that's if they even think there's anything to forgive."

Ana sure hoped so, but it was a faint hope; no matter what Kaira had said about everyone still liking her, she knew very well how she herself would have felt if someone did the same to her. Still, she couldn't just stand there all night. "Alright," she said, letting herself be pulled toward the door. "Let's face the music."

She'd barely made it inside before she was struck by a storm of excited French and found a pair of surprisingly strong arms wrapped around her. "Oh, mes dieux, you're alright!" Jisha groaned into her shoulder. "I heard you got shot! They told me you'd be fine, but—"

"Yeah, no, they were right," Ana said, awkwardly hugging Jisha back with one arm before carefully peeling her off. "Took a quarrel to the guts and another to the chest, but you know me. But, ah… how are you?"

"Incroyable. 'How are you?' she asks. Why would you—? Oh! Because you had to go? Yes, okay, it sucked when we lost all that Endurance, because we still had, merde… thirty more kilometers to go, I think? And I felt kind of sick for a while, so please don't ever fucking do that again without warning me first. But we're all fine, don't worry!"

Then Jisha seemed to notice Messy, and asked her, in halting, French-accented Inter-Guild, "Miss Mestendi, you are okay?"

"Yes, Jisha," Messy replied, smiling. "I'm fine. Thank you. Sorry for pulling Ana away from you so suddenly."

"Ah… bon," Jisha said, smiling awkwardly before turning back to Ana and continuing in French, "I heard what happened to her. I don't have the words, but I'm so glad she's okay, so tell her for me, yeah? Now, come on and sit down! Everyone's waiting!"

And so they were. Kaira, Tor, Omda, and Rayni all sat around a table with three empty chairs, and not one of them looked at all upset. Impatient, perhaps, and worried, relieved, and even embarrassed, but not upset.

"Finally! I thought you'd never make it over here," Rayni said, raising her ale and smiling broadly. "Are you both really alright?"

"Touanne kindly allowed us outside at midday," Messy confirmed, smiling back as she practically forced Ana into a chair then sat herself.

"Well, thank the gods for people like Mistress Touanne," Rayni said. Then her smile faded and she looked at Ana, but all Ana saw in her face was gratitude. "I talked to Deni today. She told me she got hit in the arm with a crossbow bolt. One covered in poison. That if you hadn't been in a Party with her, she probably wouldn't have survived. I, uh… Ana, leaving the Party like that was a pretty shitty thing to do, but you're entirely forgiven, as far as I'm concerned."

"I mean, yeah, absolutely," Kaira agreed from the end of the table, and her two Party members quickly followed.

"You would not have left without good reason," Om rumbled, and Tor nodded.

Ana might have protested that Deni only got hurt because she'd followed Ana into an ambush, but the relief she felt was too strong to risk it. "Be that as it may," she said. "I'm sorry. I'd do it again, but I wish I hadn't had to in the first place. As far as I knew, those assholes were getting away."

"Which brings us to, ah…" Tor said, trailing off as Mikkel arrived unasked with stew and bread for Ana and Messy, followed by two mugs of ale. "Thanks, Mikkel," Tor said with a nod, then continued awkwardly, "As I was about to say: the Party question."

At the end of the table, Kaira stared into her drink, her shoulders halfway to her ears.

"The Party question," Ana repeated, keeping her voice carefully neutral to conceal any lingering hurt.

Tor sighed, and gave her a pained look. "Gods, Ana, I hope you understand. Please don't be mad! We like you. We really do, all three of us, but—"

"But you need to know that a Party member will stick around," Ana said evenly. "No, I get it. I'm not— Okay, I am upset, but not at any of you. We're good."

Ana hadn't even considered that they might be afraid that she'd be angry, and it cast Kaira's anxiety when they'd met earlier that day in a new light. In hindsight she could see why they'd be worried, and if she'd been met with accusations and irritation she probably would have bit back. But as it had played out, she was just glad that they were all so forgiving. The rejection stung — of course it did — but it was limited. It was nowhere near as bad as she'd feared. As long as they were still friends, this was all temporary, and nothing she'd seen so far had indicated that anyone was anything but relieved that things were going so well.

They were good. And since no one wanted to talk about the subject anymore, they dropped it. Instead, Ana told them what had happened since she left, and when Deni showed up with Mirell and Varron, the three youths joined them to add their own perspectives. Pretty soon Petra joined them, and it turned into a whole thing. Kaira, told them all about Jisha's accomplishments on the Delve, with frequent asides in Wanteul that made Jisha both blush and laugh out loud, and about Ana's "absolutely dumbshit heroics." She even told them about how she'd accidentally given Ana a new hairstyle.

By the end of the night there was no doubt that everyone were still friends, and Ana felt much, much better. She hadn't planned on leaving Messy's side for a while anyway.

Besides, that might not even be necessary. "I'm going to get over it, you know," Messy told her softly as they were walking home.

"Get over what?" Ana asked.

"My nerves. My… fear. Myself. I'm going to get over it, sooner or later. I like Delving. I'm not going to give it up. And I refuse to be the reason you can't go out. I refuse to be someone who holds you back. So, I promise you, Angel. You'll have to be patient with me, because it might take some time, but I will get over it, and next time you go out I'm going to be right there with you."

In that moment, Ana wished very much that she could love Messy the way she deserved to be loved. But she couldn't. So, instead she was going to do her damndest to make sure that Messy lived a long and happy life. Not necessarily one that was safe and free of hardship — that sounded boring, and she didn't think Messy would want that — but one that Messy felt was worth living.

"I'm so lucky to have met you," Ana whispered.

Messy took her hand, interlacing their fingers. Then she smiled down at her and said, "I love you, too, Angel."