Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 35.

“God, how do I have sex with a fire?”

“...” Stumped, I fell into silence. How the hell do you have sex with a fire? 

“By fire, do you mean a fireplace, like a campfire fire, or do you just mean fire in general?”

“Plain old fire.”

“Then you mean you want to have sex with fire, rather than a fire, right?”

“Is there a difference?”

“Of course there is. That single letter between with and fire changes the entire meaning behind what you are asking. With fire is completely different than with a fire.”

“I see. But I didn’t want you to think I meant something like holding fire in my hand as I’m getting fucked. I literally want fire to penetrate me.”

I can’t even conceptualize how this is supposed to be achieved.

“Well, God, how do I do this?”

I pulled out my phone and did a search online, ‘How do I have sex with fire?’

The results were less than ideal, ‘10 ways to fire up your sex life’, ‘11 Sex Secrets From the Experts That Will Set Your Bed On Fire,’, and ‘Temperature Play During Sex: Guide To Using Ice & Heat.’

What the hell did I expect to find. I doubt anyone in their right mind was ever retarded enough to ponder or muse over this sort of profoundly moronic question. I might be the first to ever have received this sort of inquiry.

Ah. Wait a minute. That’s it! A sudden idea struck me like lightning.

An insulator!

My eyes brightened up as I snapped my fingers and said, “Aerogel!” That shit is pretty amazing when making composite materials. That should do the trick and make this possible.

She blinked with a visible lack of understanding on her face. “Aero what?”

“Aerogel. It is the key to making your wish come true.”

“That’s supposed to let me have sex with fire?”

“Yes. You see, Aerogel is actually a very amazing insulating material. It’s also not very difficult to make. Imagine a substance like jello, but with all the water sucked out of it leaving behind only air in its place.”

“If you say so.”

“Haaaah. A woman who can’t understand the amazing properties of this magical material.”

“Can you stop jerking aerogel off and get to the point already, God?”

“Tsk. Fine. You just need to make a hollowed-out dildo-like contraption using an aerogel composite material. It will allow you to not be burned alive from the inside from the fire. You can grab a Bunson burner and insert it into the hollowed out dildo structure. You can adjust how much heat you feel inside you by altering the thickness of the dildo’s outer shell made of the aerogel composite material. You can also increase or decrease the intensity of the flame for fine-tuning as well.” 

“As long as this dildo is designed properly such that the Bunsen burner is secured in place, not moving around inside the inner shell with a large enough gap at the tip, is fed oxygen properly, and allows for air to flow out the bottom of the shaft, it should continue to burn without extinguishing.”

“Though now that I think about it, you may feel hot air potentially hot enough to scorch skin as a result of the air flowing out the shaft, but it should at least be bearable. If you can’t put up with it and it’s too much for you, you can always coat your skin down there with a bit of aerogel composite material as well to decrease the intensity of the heat transmitted to the skin outside your body. As your body grows accustomed and develops a resistance to heat you can slowly increase the temperature over time.”

“How was that? Does this fulfill your requirements?”

“Hmm… I’m not really sure. But I guess I won’t know unless I give it a shot.”

“If it doesn’t work out and you somehow don’t end up killing yourself in the process, you can always book another consultation.”

“I guess that’s true. I might as well try it out and see if it gets me off.”

Somehow I was actually a bit curious about this one now. Was it really possible to have sex with fire? What would it even feel like if she followed my instructions? Is it the potential danger that comes with such an act or is it the scorching heat that gets the person off? I mean there was a thing such as pyrophilia, but this was a different realm of degeneracy altogether.

“Thank you, God. I will do my best to create this never before seen fire dildo you’ve envisioned.”

With those final words, she took her leave.