Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 34.

“God, I’d like to steal the souls of men and leave them lifeless husks but I want to save my virginity for marriage. How can I accomplish this?”

“Are you stupid? Just use that stupidly lewd venus fly trap tail of yours. That doesn’t count as popping your cherry, right?”

“No way, for me as a succubus, my tail counts as a sexual organ. There’s no way I can use it.”

“What the hell? Why are you trying to act all innocent when you’re a succubus?”

“I read a manga that moved me to tears and I wanted to be like the succubus in that manga. It’s obviously because it’s romantic. Do you have no taste, God?”

“Romance? A succubus is actually lecturing me on romance? What the hell is wrong with that head of yours? Did you hit it too hard when sucking off a stallion or something? Did they suffocate you resulting in brain damage?”

“Hmmph! You think a succubus can suffocate from their throat being blocked? I’ll have you know, I can breathe through my tail as well.”

Her tail shot up over the desk and lewdly opened up in front of me. There were trails of stringy saliva lining the fleshy inner cavity that gave it the appearance of a second mouth.

“I feel like my eyes are being violated. Please put that disgusting thing away.”

“Disgusting! You dare call it disgusting!”

I pinched my nose and asked, “Do you even clean that thing? Ugh, gross, it smells too. Just how many guys have used that thing?”

“Zero! None!”

“What? That can’t be right. Why does it smell so bad then?”

“Ugh… because I’m not eating enough.”

“Not eating enough?”

“Because I want to find my marriage partner and only use it directly on him. I’ve been using handjobs for the time being and feeding my tail by hand, but when a succubus doesn’t insert the male organ directly for a long time, we get a terrible urge to do it. Our body releases a hormone from our tails that humans find particularly enticing. To them, it smells irresistible to the point they turn into lustful beasts who try to do anything they can to insert directly into it on their own.”

“That nasty pungent smell is supposed to appeal to humans? What the hell is wrong with the guys in your world?”

She glared at me resentfully and asked, “God, you’re being rude. I’m a paying client. Hurry up and give me an answer to my question.”

 “Tch. Fine. Ever hear of a fleshlight?”

“A… fleshlight? What about them?” She asked back dumbfoundedly.

“Just put the fleshlight inside your tail then let guys use that. You can think of it as though you’re putting a dildo in to get yourself off. The guy technically isn’t in direct contact with the fleshy portion inside your tail and you can still suck their lifeforce out of them through it like that.”

“That can work?”

“Of course it can. I’m actually more surprised that you’re dumb enough to not realize that.”

“I mean… I never really tried that. For succubi… using a fleshlight is a bit… how do I say… embarrassing? Succubi typically disdain kiddy toys like fleshlights and take pride in our own abilities.”

“Haaaaah. Amateur. Don’t you realize you only have so many methods to satisfy a number of men at once? If you utilize the power of technology, you’d be able to increase productivity and efficiency in the human milking industry. If a succubus executed this properly, they could strike it rich in the succubi world if they just put down that stupid pride of theirs.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, a succubus can only please so many people at once. But if you really wanted to, you could capture humans and turn them into cattle. Essentially what cows are to humans.”

“Just put them into a barn and attach fleshlights to their cocks with locks on them to prevent them from taking them off. You can automate them to periodically go off after X amount of time. Think about it, this way you’d be able to collect as much food as you want and even more. You could sell it off to other less fortunate succubi that are suffering in semen poverty. No longer would any succubi suffer through the great semen depression. You could build a human milking empire. And the most hilarious thing about it, men would line up in droves to willingly be turned into cattle.”

With each word that left my mouth, her eyes grew brighter and brighter.

“How has no succubus ever done this yet in your world? It honestly makes no sense to me. Why are they so stupid in your world?” I mean, this concept wasn’t anything new. I’d seen a few worlds where this industry had long been blown up out of proportions.

“Well, I guess there are dumbass succubi like you thinking about preserving virginity until marriage. Maybe that’s why.” I guess cultural differences exist even among succubi from one world to the next.

“God, I was blind. That I overlooked such an amazing opportunity is the greatest blunder of my life. No, not just my life, all the lives of the succubi in my world.”

“It’s good that you understand that. Now go. Go and build the cum empire of your dreams. One where no succubi will need to suffer through the cold night without some semen to satiate their appetite.”

“Yes! I will do my best and work hard! Thank you, God.”