Paragon of Weaponmasters

"If we take the portal to Cumbergoin it would shave off like, 10 minutes." Peter offers.

"I'm not ready to go back yet." I tell him.

"Okay. sorry." he says, riding out of the city on a chicken mount.

"Nothing to apologize for. I just need more time." I tell him.

Our destination is southwest, south past the Gormer Forest and west of the Gangalam wilds. It's quite the ride, but it gives us time to talk.

"Have you seen the streams featuring me lately?" I ask Peter.

He chokes, like he was in the middle of drinking and inhaled it.

"Uh…" he looks away.

"Peter, I assume you're at least checking for them. Don't be embarrassed." I told him.

"Me embarrassed?" his eyes are wide when he looks at me. "I thought you'd be embarrassed!"

"A little, yeah." I shrug. "Kind of ruining my image as a ladies man, huh?" I laugh

"Yeah. Moose was not a happy camper when she streamed after your date. Half of her audience wants to cut off your balls, and the other half are so addicted to the drama that they demand she take you back." he says.

"Take me back? We weren't even together." I point out.

"You know how people are. They've already got it in their heads you're married with kids." He shrugs.

"That's insane. What does she think?" I wonder

"She doesn't know what to think. She's never dated I.R.L., so this is all new for her. She doesn't like that you won't spill the beans but she likes you enough that she wants to not care?" he tells me.

"What would you do?" I ask.

"Are you, a forty year old man, asking me, a sixteen year old, how to talk to women?" he grins at me.

"I guess I am," I laugh.

He shakes his head, still smiling. He's enjoying this too much.

"Well, how did you attract your wife?" he asks.

The most beautiful woman I've ever met sits next to me against the far wall of the apartment. Her black hair is braided, leading up to a big bun on the back of her head. It exposes her dark mocha skin underneath.

"Dunno why I even came." she sighs, her eyes searching me for an answer.

"Me neither. I think there was supposed to be a cat, but I haven't found them yet." I tell her.

She laughs, maybe just because she wants me to think that she finds me funny.

"Wanna get out of here?" she asks.

The sound of the party dies, not because somebody turned off the music, but because time has stopped. This is the first time anyone, man, woman, or otherwise has asked me that question. I know what it means.

"Uh, sure." I say, dumbly.

She laughs again. I'm really not that funny I don't think.

We got to her apartment, instead of being empty save for a computer desk and one shelf full of collectables like mine, hers is decorated, carefully laid out, and full of books.

"I've been reading this lately." She retrieves a book from the coffee table. "It's about an influencer that goes on a solo retreat into the woods."

"What's it called?" I ask, the way she's holding it covers the title.

"I'm in love with Mothman." she tells me.

I laugh.

"Like the monster?" I wonder.

"Yeah. sometimes he's an otherworldly prince, and sometimes he's a big black monster." she answers.

"That's what they called me in highschool." I say, being a large but very white man.

She laughs, maybe this one is real.

"They do it, you know." she says.

"Oh yeah?" I ask, heart racing.

"On the couch." she informs me, sitting next to me on her couch.

"I was funny." I tell Peter.

"Was being the operative word?" he smirks

"Oh you think you're so funny!" I protest. He just laughs. "Yeah, I used to be funny. I've just been kind of surviving here, and women seem to throw themselves at me."

"But when the relationship turns into something real it starts to fall apart." he observes.

"Seems so. You know, I told Moose that…"

"What?" Peter's chicken mount interrupts me.

Both of us look at the bird's face as it stares at mine.

"What did you tell her?" it asks in a strange voice, something between an old cartoon rooster and a fax machine.

"I…" I hesitate to respond

"What." the chicken bucks Peter off. "Did." It grows three times in size. "You." its feathers separate as its skin tears, revealing blood-slicked metal underneath. "HER?"

Twitching like it's on the fritz, the monster opens its beak wider than should be possible, with the spinning teeth of a meat grinder within. Its feathers fall off, uncovering the fully mechanical body. A nameplate doesn't appear over its head, so there's no way of knowing if we can take this thing or not, but Peter's already disappeared, and I'll be damned if we're not going to try.

The instant I retaliate, my chariot vanishes out from under me. I manage to put Thozur between us, just as it tries to bite my head off. I still take damage, but the metal head of my hammer seems tougher than my fleshy head. Apaki flashes out and flanks the bird, slashing at a wing. The mental surface deflects the blow entirely.

"WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?" it screams like an overburdened motor.

"My first name!" I shout back at the cock, using Thunder God to try electric damage, seen as blunt and slashing seem wholly ineffective.

My answer only seems to further enrage it, as its led-eyes glow brighter and brighter red.

This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

Thunder bolts seem to be putting the hurt on it, so I rush to get as many casts in as I can between maintaining Thunder Beam on it. Peter joins the fray, but his abilities are dagger-focussed, so I don't know if he can hurt the damn thing.

It slashes out with a razor-tipped wing, sending Peter away with a slashed gut for his troubles. He gets back to his feet with a sharp intake of breath.

"I need electric power! Stabbing, slashing, and shows aren't doing anything!" Peter exclaims.

"Here!" I shout, sending Thozur his way.

"I can't use…" he begins saying, before my hammer slides into his grip. Lighting arcs all over his body.

Worthy! Thozur announces.

"Before you ask, I didn't know that would work!" I yell, switching Apaki into my dominant right hand. Mentally, at least. They're still floating off to the side.

Peter uses his teleport ability that makes him disappear and reappear all around his target. Each appearance is followed by a hammer blow, sending a shockwave through the mechanical monster. I taunt it, keeping its attention away from Peter as he uses my weapon to deal damage faster than I could.

I kite it, placing a Wall of Swords in its path, and using Apaki for a Circular Saw. Neither are effective at hurting it, only slowing it down. It pecks, bites, and slashes with its wings and talons at me. Its attacks are much more effective against me than mine are to it, my health is getting dangerously low. Damn the patch for wrecking my build!

It feels sort of wrong with Apaki in my hand, but I use Thunder God again when it comes off cooldown.

Apaki grumbles in protest.

Like a pair of tesla coil towers, electricity jumps between Peter and I, frying the chicken. With one final jittery buh-cawk, it slumps to the ground, smoking.

Thozur flies back into my grip, pushing Apaki out.

Rude.

"Was that another new ability?" Peter asks.

"Must be. I'll have to go see Sting to give it a name." I scratch my beard.

"That's not how that's supposed to work but ok whatever." Peter rolls his eyes. "So they're pissed."

I nod.

"They mentioned a strong dislike of the private rooms." I keep an eye out for more Monitor monsters.

"The one place it can't see." Peter looks around too. Satisfied that we're not under attack, Peter loots the corpse of the robot chicken. "Uh…"

Peter says: [Clockwork Cock]

The damned thing dropped as a mount. When I loot the corpse, there's nothing there for me.

"I'm gonna go ahead and delete it." He says, an uncomfortable look on his face.

"Don't you collect mounts?" I recall.

"Yeah but this thing is like… I don't know, is it going to eat me if I ride it?" he asks.

"If it can possess anything in the game, it feels like low hanging fruit to attack you as something that it already has, you know?" I shrug.

"Fair enough." He says. After a moment, he's riding the 8-foot metal monster, it hisses and smokes, occasionally hawking though grinding gears.

"It's a lot cooler now that it's not trying to kill us." I say, patting it on the head. It seems mentally vacant.

"Sure." Peter says, looking down at with uncertainty. "Let's get a move on."

I mount up, thankfully the attack occurred right before we arrived at our destination.

Tuzzocross Desert discovered! Experience gained.

High waves like an ocean of sand block my vision, our mounts slow to a crawl as we climb the dune. No matter how slow they go, I'm not getting out and walking. Fuck that.

When we finally crest the top, a seemingly endless expanse of empty desert lies before us. There are no cacti or distinct landmarks. Just sand, going on forever.

"Wow." I marvel.

"Yeah, boring on the surface. But watch this." Peter holds up a rock, and throws it out into the sand.

The instant it hits the sand, an eastern style snake-body dragon emerges, swallowing the rock as it ascends into the sky. It lets gravity take it back to the ground, twisting so that it's face first when it hits the ground. It vanishes just as fast as it appeared.

I snap my fingers, trying to remember.

"What's the name of the boring movie?" the memory escapes me.

"Dune?" Peter asks

"That's the one!" I shout, pointing at him.

He laughs.

I hear a grunt of surprise nearby, it seems we caught the attention of a team of nearby orcs.

Who are… floating.

Huh. That's one way to avoid getting eaten, I suppose.

I send a Tornado Edge at them, followed by a Wall of Swords. As anyone with half a brain could have anticipated, they just float right over them. Realizing I could look really smart, I cast Wall of Swords again, using Apaki, but make it tall this time. Two of the three orcs run right into it, not anticipating my abilities' variations.

They fall to the ground, swallowed up by one large dragon.

The third orc should consider his options, but as a nameless N.P.C., he only knows 'attack' and 'idle'. So he tries to attack, but one poke from Thozur sends him plummeting into the waiting maw of a sand dragon.

"Did you know floating spells are cancelled by any amount of damage?" Peter asks me as we watch the dragon jump into the air like a land dolphin.

"Nope. Lucky, I guess." I give him a thumbs up.

He chuckles.

"Why are orcs here to begin with?" I ask.

"Well, the Honorlord doesn't want competition." He answers.

"Naturally." I roll my eyes. "So what's next?" I ask, looking around for more orcs, or anything really.

"We let ourselves get eaten on purpose." Peter says, completely calm.

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask.

"Yeah. The actual quest area is underground, and the only way down is in a dragon." He tells me.

"Uh huh." I cross my arms. "You're fucking with me."

"No I'm not, watch." he walks out into the sand, and is swallowed whole.

Peter says: make sure you get swallowed on the way down so we're together!

"Damn it all." I say, walking into the growing shadow. I look up, right into the waiting jaws of the descending dragon.

Suddenly, it is dark, wet, and claustrophobic. I feel like I'm in a hot tube of toothpaste as I'm squeezed down. As the walls loosen around me, I feel my foot hit something solid.

Peter says: ok start attacking!

Accepting my fate, I use two Circular Saws in orbit mode. All around me, the walls tear away, and sand pours in. I feel a shift in our movement, a sudden desperate increase in speed. Before I know it, we're dumped out into a cave, where the dragon that swallowed us is bleeding from its midsection, and eyeing us with fury.

Covered in fluids and wet sand, Peter and I engage the dragon. Even while it's almost cut in half, it puts up a hell of a fight. Every time we get its health down past a quarter threshold, it jumps back up by ten percent.

"Why is it healing?" I ask, pressing two Tornado Edges together on the dragon.

"Chronomancy. It's not healing, it's reversing time." Peter informs me.

"That's bullshit." I tell him.

The dragon breaths sand at us, it's coarse and rough and irritating; and it gets everywhere. I can block some of it with my shield, but it's like trying to block the wind. Most of it just goes around.

One final thrust of Peter's dagger ends the sand wyrm's life. Our loot? Sand, of course.

[Sand] added to inventory.

Neato.

I observe our surroundings, smooth tunnels carved into sandstone lit by torches and lanterns scattered across the floor. I pick one of the lanterns up.

[Everlight Lantern] added to inventory.

Everlight Lantern - Rare off-hand - Low intellect - Requires level 63

"Do I have to equip this?" I ask Peter, holding it aloft.

"No, but if it can get stolen or knocked out of your hands." he informs me. He lifts a torch.

"Might as well then." I replace my basic sword.

With more control over the light, I can see the remains of adventures scattered around. Their gear that makes their profession clear are all conveniently intact. There's A skeleton wearing a wizard hat, another with a breastplate. I feel a pang of loss, these were people once. Digital people perhaps, but still. Maybe they never even got a chance to live, they only exist as set dressing for players like Peter. Born dead.

"You coming?" Peter knocks me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah." I catch up to him down the tunnel. The world isn't going to wait for me to sort out my feelings.

Peter crouches down, so I do the same. We walk ever-so-slowly down, staying as quiet as a rogue and a guy wearing plate armor can. Suffice to say I sound like a kitchen cabinet avalanche. He comes to a stop, pointing for me to look inside the space ahead of us.

Another team of orcs, not floating this time. Peter puts away his torch and goes invisible, sneaking up on them. I cast two Illusory Clones as I charge in, shield in front of me. The two orcs on either side jump into action to defend themselves, while I slam into the middle one. Somehow, we timed it perfectly so that my shield pushes him onto Peter's daggers, sending the blades all the way through his chest.

Peter and I look at each other for a moment, shocked. That was the coolest thing we've ever done, and it wasn't even on purpose.

With the center orc very, very dead, we split up to assist my clones. I take the orc on the right, shoving him into the waiting arms of my Thozur wielding clone. A few good bonks on the noggin is all it takes.

Peter and Apaki have already dealt with the last orc when I turn around.

The loot is uninteresting, typical.

"Next up is a dragon. Stay away from the head and tail." Peter tells me.