Paragon of Weaponmasters

"I'll stay with Lagakh and keep them safe." Helga tells me.

Peter joins me, we walk to the entrance, finding the outside in chaos.

Attend the wedding of Ryul and Farhana 1/1

The guests inside seem to be oblivious to the goings on outside. The Prime Nurturer, mother of the bride, is maintaining some kind of magical barrier that's preventing the venue from being engulfed in flames.

"I refuse to have my daughter's happiest day interrupted again. Deal with them." She commands us.

Defend Cumbergoine 0/1

"Yes ma'am." I say, maybe a little too enthusiastically.

We pass through the barrier, and a group of orcs turn their attention from the bodies of humans to us. I cast tornado edge three times, turning the entrance into a meat grinder. Unable to halt their momentum, the group run straight into the spinning blades and hammer, battered and shredded bits fly though the air.

"Thanks for the sword." I say to Peter, a huge grin on my face.

"No problem, it unlocked your spells' full potential. It's awesome!" he smiles back at me.

"What's going on?" I ask, looking around at the battlefield before us. The city streets, formerly filled with wedding guests, are now host to war parties of orcs and humans, focused more on each other than us or the elves. "It looks like both the humans and the orcs showed up to crash the wedding."

"Elves too." Peter tells me, pointing. Elves fight alongside the humans, wearing similar knight armor, completely unlike the local leafy aesthetic.

I move towards the nearest fight, casting three orbiting Circular Saws as I approach. I feel like I'm spinning three hula hoops of death around me. The troops are too caught up in their own fight to see me coming, and are consequently crushed and cut as my weapons spin into them. I think that this is too easy, but I don't verbalize it. I'm not tempting fate.

"Does this seem too easy to you?" Peter asks.

I sigh.

With Split Sword, We walk though the battle in a cloud of weapon shards, my three weapons punch through every opponent in our path. After casually walking through three groups, I look around, not immediately spotting any more fights.

"Why isn't the objective complete?" I ask.

"There must be more." Peter responds, looking with me. "There." He gestures with his chin.

"Isn't that in the direction of the tree?" I ask, moving ahead.

"Sure looks like it."

I rotate my spells, casting one after another to deal with packs of enemies. I actually yawn at one point, so bored by the lack of challenge they present. When we finally reach the tree, I realize these pushovers are not the real objective.

Ambassador Erlareo. Level 61

Wudhagh, Second Son of Honorlord Mergigoth Dragonslayer. Level 61

I furrow my eyebrows looking at the orc. Isn't he dead?

"So kind of you to join us." Erlareo tells us, glaring down at us from up on his bleach white horse. I wasn't curious to see what the inside of an elf's nostrils looked like, but he's showing me anyway. "I found this lost fellow in the capital, I thought I would return him after I deal with the traitors."

Peter says: that's the wrong son. wurkul the third son is supposed to lead us here to burn down the tree.

Earl says: And both of them are dead, so what's he doing here?

Wudhagh stares blankly ahead, not acknowledging what the elf said, or our presence. Blood stains his breastplate from the sternum down. He looks exactly the way we left him dead on the ground, except for a new pair of suspenders worn over his armor.

"Any idea what this fight is going to be like?" I ask Peter, keeping my eyes on the pair of bosses ahead of us.

"The ambassador is a master wizard, he can cast practically any spell you can imagine. His boss fight is in the end of the expansion dungeon for the human team, so I've fought him before. He has adds to keep us off of him while he casts spells at random targets." Peter informs me.

"We're not in the dungeon though, so will it be the same?"

"Well, it sure seems like we're in a dungeon. The more weird stuff happens the less the rules seem to apply. Who needs a dungeon portal?" He shrugs.

"Alright so no special strategy, I'll keep Wudhagh's attention while you kill them." I draw my weapons.

"Works for me." Peter draws his daggers.

I cast two Illusory clones, keeping Thozur in my hand. The clones taunt Wudhagh, initiating the fight. Immediately, Wudhagh flies into a rage, recklessly swinging his two-handed axe at the clones. At the same time, Erlareo charges up a fire spell. I run in, joining my clones in their fight. I cast Thunder God, zapping the orc before reaching him. I get a few swings in before I start to feel a building heat.

"Burn!" The elf shouts, sending a horse-size fireball at me.

"Shit!" I shout in response, panic-casting Distribute on Thozur. "Shit!" I shout even louder, after my hammer absorbs the spell and becomes hot to the touch. I let them go, and they immediately fly at the wizard at blistering speed.

"Not again…" He manages to say, before my hammer knocks him from his feet. Much like last time, he takes no damage from the strikes, but is completely unable to cast spells while taking the beating. I turn back to Wudhagh, and notice he's not taking any damage either.

"How do we kill them?" I ask Peter, who's appeared behind the orc and started stabbing.

"I don't know!" He tells me, driving his blades into the orc's back with no effect.

"I'll teach you not to turn your back on a high elf wizard!" I hear from behind me, just before a ballista bolt size icicle pierces through my back and out my chest.

I gasp, freezing air swirling inside my lungs. I struggle to stay on my feet, gritting my teeth through the pain. Half of my health is gone, just like that. I cast Split Sword on Thozur, forcing the wizard to contend with ten little hammers instead of one.

Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

"I thought you said he casts spells at random targets." I growl out.

"Yeah, the next one is probably coming for me. It's ok though, I'll go invisible at the last second." Peter tells me.

"Got it." I push the icicle out my back, now that it's melted enough to slip through. It hurts like a motherfucker, and if i wasn't a tank with a ton of strength, it probably would've killed me. My clones run out of time, so I replace the twin blades with a hammer clone to keep the orc's attention. With my swords floating beside me, I take a moment to think. What are we missing here?

The suspender straps have taken major damage from my swords' attacks, and yet the rest of him has not. I command my swords forward, making slashing movements from a few feet away. Bit by bit, they cut away at the straps, when one of them flies loose, I can see the seam on the orc's neck, where Helga decapitated him. I redouble my efforts, using Circular Saw to cut away at the second strap rapidly. The orc ignores our efforts, keeping his full attention on my hammer. They trade ineffectual blows, neither doing any damage to each other.

As the strap comes apart, Wudhagh's next big swing makes his head slide forward. As he rears back to swing again, his head falls off, tumbling down his back onto the ground. Instead of a geyser of blood shooting from the stump, green fog spills down his body. It coalesces into a stream, floating towards the wizard.

"Die screaming!" the wizard shouts, prepared to shoot lighting from his fingertips. The moment he does, Peter vanishes from sight. The spell fizzles out, canceled without a target. "Gah!" the elf barks, as the green fog crawls up his form, dissolving some kind of magic forcefield. I send my three weapons at him, casting tornado edge to put him in the middle of a triangular death trap. He uses his short range teleport spell, appearing a few feet away from the spinning weapons. I move them, but he just teleports again.

"God damn it!" I yell, hand extended as I command my weapons to slowly chase him like the world's most dangerous roomba.

"Burn!" the elf shouts, and I press my eyes shut, prepared to die. Instead, the heat quickly vanishes, and the elf wheezes in pain. When I open my eyes, the wizard is holding his crotch with both hands, and Peter is standing behind him, one leg forward.

"Is that a spell or did you just straight up kick him in the nuts?" I ask, wide-eyed.

"It's a spell!" He tells me, laughing. "Now beat his ass!"

Without needing further prompting, I cast Thunder God, and send my swords to slash at the elf while Thozur electrocutes him. After a few good hits, he recovers, and teleports away. My weapons follow him as he teleports over and over, remaining just out of reach. Having had just about enough of this, I decide to try something different. Guessing the distance of his next teleport, I cast Wall of Swords

When he next teleports, he impales himself on the wall. A vicious grin only an orc could accomplish blooms across my face, as the wizard tries and fails to teleport again, or pull himself off of the blades. Seeing the opportunity, Thozur slams into his chest, driving him even further onto the blades. With one last gasp, the elf dies.

Happily Ever After completed! Experience gained.

You have reached level 62!

Strength increased by 128%!

Agility increased by 128%!

Intelligence increased by 128%!

Peter has reached Level 61!

I let out a huge sigh of relief, Peter slaps me on the back.

"It feels like maybe we should have had a healer, and two more damage dealers for that fight." He says, smiling.

"Yeah." I respond, chuckling. "It sure does."

"Any good loot?" He asks, stepping forward.

"You know, I just realized I didn't loot him the first go around." I say, making my way over to the Honored son's corpse.

Goblin-Crusher Boots added to inventory.

"Alright that's just sick." I say, shaking my head. This son of a bitch was the one torturing the poor goblins.

Goblin-Crusher Boots - Epic Boots - Low strength - Low armor - Requires level 61

And they're better than mine, of course. I reluctantly equip them, looking down at the dark metal boots that contrast my silvery pants. I'm starting to look a little mismatched, with a leather viking girdle, plate-sewn leather gloves, and silver plate everywhere else besides my boots. I'll have to look into that glamor stuff Peter used on his pants.

"I didn't get anything." Peter tells me after kneeling next to the wizard.

"Bummer." I say.

Peter yawns, making me think to look at my time remaining. 22 days 3 hours.

"Tired already?" I ask.

"I didn't sleep at all last night. I was nodding off during class today." He tells me, yawning again after. That fight must have sapped the last bit of wakefulness he had left.

"Can't have that. You go to bed, and I'll see you tomorrow after school." I tell him in my dad voice.

"Ok." he yawns in response. So tired he can't even put up a fight.

Peter has gone offline.

Now it's just me, a big tree, two corpses, and my three talking weapons.

I jump at the sound of a twig snapping nearby. Behind a tree, Helga, Lagakh, and Earlgor peek out.

"I thought you were staying to protect them." I say, looking at Helga.

"I am protecting them." she responds, stepping out from behind the tree. Her streaming eye is still gray.

"That was so cool!" Earlgor shouts as he runs over to me. He can't stop moving even when he's reached me, shifting in place. "The way you took that guy's head off and pushing the other guy on the spikes!"

I grimace, deeply uncomfortable with the idea that my preschool age child just watched me kill two people and thought it was awesome. I pat him on the head, he beams up at me. His hero.

"Is the elf city safe for them to go back to now?" I ask Helga.

"Yeah, should be now."

"I'd like to talk after we escort them back."

"Alright." Helga walks with Lagakh, Earlgor and I join them on the road. Earlgor gives us a beat-for-beat recap of the fight, describing every gorey detail. I look over at Lagakh, she has a proud look on her face, her eyes on our son. Orc culture. She'd rather he be bloodthirsty than kind. We would make terrible co-parents.

We arrive back in the city, cleanup crews are hard at work sweeping up the giblets I left everywhere. Hopefully this tree city has a compost pile to put it all in. Earlgor splashes in a deep puddle of blood, like a child on a rainy day. I cringe, and gently guide him away with my hand. He and his mother return to the wedding venue, dripping blood all the way there. Helga and I continue walking down the street, silent for the first few minutes.

"Helga," I say, first to speak. "It feels like you don't enjoy my company, and you're only around for the content opportunity." I blurt it all out.

We're both quiet for a long time, I let her think while we walk.

"Why do you think I don't enjoy your company?" She asks, finally.

"You seemed so happy when we first met, you palled around with the other paragons. When it's just us you're not as easygoing." I tell her.

She nods, and stops walking to face me.

"That's an act." She says, making eye contact. It's a little off with one eye fogged out.

"What's an act?"

"The fun girl shit. People have come to expect a fun, perky girl who flirts with everyone and shows her tits every stream. I'm tired, Earl. I'm the best Berserker in the game, but nobody treats me like it. You do. You don't make me feel like I need to be a bimbo." she tells me.

"Oh," is all I can think to say. She was pretending to be a party girl?

"Do you want me to act that way?" She asks, I notice her fists clench.

"No, especially if you don't want to. It's off putting for me anyways."

She laughs at that.

"Off putting huh?" she puts her hands on her hips, a smirk creeping onto her face.

"Honestly I don't know what to do with all that energy. I can't match it, that's for sure." I tell her.

"You knew what to do with it in bed." she says, poking me in the chest. "I'm surprised you didn't hit me up afterwards."

"It's not too late, is it?" I ask with a sly smile.

She steps to the side, gesturing with her arm to where we've stopped. Behind her is the building Farroris referred to as the 'population center'. Elves and beastwomen wait inside with hungry eyes.

"You're not recording, right?" I stop her as she makes her way in. she looks into my eyes, her one gray pupil returning to its typical dark green. Then she reaches up to the top of the entryway, and places a sign there. It reads "PRIVATE ROOM", a door materializes under it, resembling the ones in the Hall of Honor. She opens the door for me, and I walk in.

The room is furnished with plush seating and beds, women arranged all around the room. A beastwoman with the head of a gazelle approaches me, only wearing two pink star-shaped pasties, underwear with threads attaching to a collar and wrapping her hips, and elbow-length gloves. She hands me a potion bottle with pink, glittery liquid swirling inside. I raise an eyebrow at it.

"So you can service all of us." she tells me in a sultry voice.

I shrug, then down it in one gulp.

[Content removed]