Newly Broke Heroine! [Book One Complete, Cozy Fantasy Adventure]

Explaining to Barry why his fiancée had to be barrel-rolled into the throne room and was under arrest for numerous crimes was not a fun encounter.

Not in the least.

Fiona stood there patiently while Barry screamed, shouted, and threatened everyone in the room. the veins in his pale forehead practically pulsed, and she pondered what would happen if Barry stroked out in the middle of this rant.

"And you, Swiftheart, just enjoy making me miserable!" he screamed.

She let out a puff of air, waiting patiently for him to run out of steam. "Are you done? Got that out of your system? If you are, let's move on, and you should watch what you say about my friends." She tapped her wrist for emphasis.

He didn't get the hint, and let out a low growl, jabbing a finger in Jacob's direction. "And you, Fervier! Even with evidence of alleged crimes, you rolled your future queen in here to insult me?! Are you lining up to take the throne next? Because we know what happened during the Lansier rebellion--"

The vines shot out from his mark like leafy bullets and curled up his arms and limbs, slowly creeping up his neck as Jake shot a scathing glare at Barry.

"I don't think I heard you right, Regent King Barrimeth. Did you just imply I committed treason? Because it seems like your mark is respectfully disagreeing with you." Jake's remarkable calm was to be commended, in her opinion.

"Nope, not at all," Barry squeaked. The vines snapped back to his mark, and he visibly recoiled from the motion.

Fiona gave Barry the elven glare of doom to shut him up. She hadn't mentioned Varith yet, currently chilling in a holding room in the guild, while she and Jake figured out what to do with him. Or her, as might be the case. Fiona couldn't imagine being brought back in an entirely different body. At least here, she could somewhat recognize her face in the mirror.

Bonnie nudged her, breaking her thoughts. "Hey, Fi, you've been giving the doom glare in silence for a good thirty seconds. I think Barry has been exposed to the maximum safe dosage of you for a day."

"There is no maximum safe exposure level to Fiona," Greg said with a straight face.

She let the comment slide. "Fine. I don't want this benchwarmer made into a vegetable." Fiona then returned her glare to Barry. He had flopped back down on his throne, his hands shaking so badly he could barely sip from a cup of water.

She watched Barry's pale face twitch at the realization he had no power over this situation. "Would you suck it up and be a ruler for once?" she said impatiently. "Or is your pride more important than the state of your citizens?"

Stewey, the assistant, was busily trying to get Barry to drink a cup of water, unsuccessfully. Barry was a right mess. "How dare you insult your king!" the balding assistant shouted angrily.

"My king? Oh, no. You did not go there, Steward. If this is what I'll say loudly and in public, think of what I'd say in private. Greybeard is on his way back, and his words will make your ears bleed." Fiona turned to Jake. "Jake, I'm done with this blonde himbo. Do I need to be here?"

"You're leaving?" he asked, surprised at her response.

She shrugged softly. at this point, she was emotionally and physically drained. "Yeah. I'm done. I'm headed home to rest after this disaster. Actually, I need a trip to the apothecary. My pain meds wore out."

She winced and held her side. In hindsight, doing heroic feats while still injured was not a smart idea. She was keen on returning to an actual bed, now that Vale was effectively off the table.

That fallout still had yet to be measured.

"What–What-what about me?" Barry shrilled. "You brought my girlfriend home in chains!"

"Alchemical foam, but hey, who's counting?" She shrugged. "Oh, and Barry, if you think this is bad? Vale is in chaos, and Aegortin is likely going to come after all of us with a giant tax bill or an armada of warships. Not only that, a demented dragon is trying to resurrect a dead goddess by taking everyone's gold and doing… Well, I don't know how he goes from a bunch of gold to resurrecting a goddess. That's next week's mystery."

Of course, she was pretty sure Feo'thari wasn't coming back, not in the way Karlin had planned. Something of the goddess remained, hidden on her wrist…

Wingding had moved and fluttered on her shoulder now. That felt comforting. Hey, flutter to the left a little. My hammer arm gets a little sore after an exertion like that.

[Be more careful?]

Fiona let a small smile emerge. It didn't last, though, as she realized the stacked-up mess they'd have to work through in the coming weeks, and Barry was going to be unproductive, if not a constant undermine.

She gave him a scornful look. "You know, I did you a favor, flushing out this little viper! Remember how I told you she was trouble, but you didn't listen? Guess what, you're still boned, Barry. They pulled a Houdini act with that gold by the time Nick and his team got there, and I was busy making sure this musical villain reject didn't get away to cause more havoc!"

She pointed at Glados for emphasis, who made a muffled sound that Fiona assumed was something impolite. "Vale is in tatters after this boondoggle, and any chance at negotiations shriveled up when Varith jumped the shark. Now they're circling the wagons."

"And what would you have me do, merchant?" Barry sneered. She almost had to applaud his daring. "What do I tell everyone about her?" He pointed to Glados. "Also, someone ungag her. This is unbefitting of future royalty."

"Did you fall down a well as a kid?" Fiona almost shouted out the question, and only a restraining claw on her shoulder kept her from going full tilt. It was a little funnier that Doug had to flutter in place for a few seconds, to do so. "Barry, your engagement with this lunatic is over."

"But–"

"Do I have to draw you a map? Your future wife was about to wreck your country, and probably would have deposed you once Aegortin showed up!"

Now she was screaming. Bonnie's fur went on end in response, Greg winced and rubbed the bridge of his nose, Jake sighed, Vick tried unsuccessfully to melt into the floor, and Doug…Doug was calm about all this.

She continued her rant. "You are the most irresponsible, self-centered, arrogant piece of work I've seen this side of my life, or the other! You let this nefarious advisor whisper in your ear, and you bought it, just like you were supposed to!"

It was almost amusing watching Barry squirm, knowing he couldn't refute the proof, or that Glados had a hand in putting him in this position. "You know something, Rikkard had it right. Lucy would have been the best on the throne, in his absence. Followed by Edward, Dave, Mira–even Mira would do a great job.

"But, no, we got stuck with you, the asshole who threatened his heroine, and the old man who didn't smell out something foul when Doug, whose mother sounds like she was the secret saint of two countries, was set up by his brother, and let this mess commence."

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Barry winced at each accusation, but it didn't dim her fury. "I love Fiefdala, because it's my home, and I will do everything to protect it, and the people in it. Even if it's to protect it from your incompetence."

"Fiona–"

She cut him off. "No, it's time to grow up a little and own your leadership and your choices. You can work on this one on your own for a bit. I am taking a few days off. Jake, did you call the guild heads?"

"All of them." Jake's words were little more than a growl. "Barrimeth Greybeard? Please do not make me pull authority here on this one."

"To do…what?" Barry's words were barely audible over the sound of his fingernails digging into his armrests, to Fiona's ears.

Jake pulled out his arcanist pad. "This is an override on a temporary basis the day-to-day activities of the crown--all activities will be routed through the guilds for approval on a sixty percent majority or general consensus. The other guilds agree that these circumstances are less than ideal." "Only one abstained, out of twenty. I can provide the writs–"

"I get it!" Barry shouted, rising to his feet. But, after a few seconds of looking infuriated, he clenched his jaw and gave a small tilt of acknowledgment. "I understand. I will remove myself from this decision process, pending my father's arrival. I will do so as a gesture of good faith. I presume you will also be posting vetted members of the guild with my f–I mean, Miss Hennaway?" he said in a dejected tone.

Fiona would have enjoyed watching that blonde viper's hopes fade, but she'd done damage to Fiefdala that couldn't be ignored. One of the guards finally removed the gag from Glados' mouth. She spit and sputtered for a few seconds, before putting on a poisonous smile for Barry.

"Barry? Darling? I can explain–"

"No, you can't, not this time." Barry stood upright, crown askew like usual. Except this time, he took the crown and set it on the throne, and glared at his future queen. "You used us. You used all of us. I'm not saying anything else on this matter. Because you know what? You were wrong about one thing. I'm not better than my father. I'm just as dysfunctional as the rest of my family. Except Mira. She's a gem of a sister," he added as an aside.

Hearing that, hurt. Even Fiona winced slightly at that crushing admission.

Barry waved to the guards, currently taking Glados into custody. "Get her out of my sight, do not be fooled by her taking any other shape, if what Swiftheart and the adventurer's guild have told me is correct. Fervier, I trust you won't mind a mixed group of the palace guard and adventurer members?"

"I don't." Jake smoothed his mane a little and watched the gathering of people depart. "Fiona, on second thought, you look exhausted. You should call it a day. We'll take it from here. You've already done far more than anyone would ever ask of you."

"You mean, before Fiona says screw it, and dunks Barry in the lake?" Bonnie asked, a coy smile emerging.

Fiona sighed softly. "You know something? Maybe not today."

Glados chose that moment to speak up, gnashing her teeth and fighting against the restraints. "Swiftheart, you are the most self-centered, unaware, ignorant creature I've ever had the displeasure of meeting, by far! You ruined a chance for a unified, stable vassal state of Aegortin!" she screamed. It took three guards holding her to keep her from flying loose. "You are not worthy of the gift bestowed upon you! A gift you squander with frivolous things and fancy clothes and small dreams!"

"What gift is that, bitch?" Her tone and mood shifted in an instant. She was mighty tempted to grab her hammer and send this woman on a line drive for the fences. "You better start spilling some tantalizing secrets, if you want to get out of prison early enough to remember what daylight looks like."

"You think it's a coincidence you're a dead ringer for a dead goddess?" No one laughed at the unintentional pun. They were putting distance between Fiona and Glados, wary of what either might do. "Or your ex, who killed you once already?"

"That's a lie." Fiona forced herself not to reach for her weapon. "Vanael was a fall guy, wasn't he? Just like someone who looks like him, was also set up to be a fall guy. Pretty cyclic, and by the way, I'm not Feo'thari, despite your insistence."

"Oh, you are. In deeds, if not in form," Glados snarled. The guards barely held her back, and she glared menacingly at Fiona. "Even dead gods can come back. And some are better off staying dead."

Fiona had a cold trickle of dread go down her spine. This hatred was aimed at way more than just her. This was piled-on hatred aimed at Feo'thari herself. She pushed a question, hoping to gain insight.

"What's wrong, Glados? Was Aegortin that bad a place, that you rued the lack of rescue from your station, and blamed a god who was already dead?" She leaned in, pondering the scenarios. Were there other gods at play? What if Glados' mark wasn't just some superpowered class ability?

"What are you, Glados?" she asked finally, arms folded.

"I think I'll let you figure this one out on your own. And you won't have long to dwell on it," Glados laughed.

Now Fiona tapped her weapon hilt. "You know something? You better be wrong about that. Because if I was Feo'thari with a different vibe, Evil Barbie? There won't be enough left of you to peel off the palace floor by the time I'm done with you, because of what you represent."

Without further fanfare, the guards jabbed Glados in the ribs with a wand, shocking her. She gritted her teeth and was finally led away to the detention wing by the guard. Fiona suspected that it wouldn't be long before that viper cropped up again, in the most inconvenient way.

Fiona let out a frustrated exhale through her teeth, before calm returned to her mind. "Hey, Bonnie, wanna crash at my place tonight?" she asked her friend. "I could use some company tonight."

"Darling, it sounds like a night for hot cocoa and well-deserved downtime with friends. Of course," she said proudly.

"Can I come, too?" Greg asked, wringing his hands softly.

Fiona smiled softly. "It would be too dull without you, Greg. Call Darla, I'm sure she's worried sick about us, and maybe Kali, if they'll let him take an evening visit out of the orphanage. Doug, I want you there, too. And if I see you wearing something that looks like it came out of a steampunk wardrobe, I'm taking you on a shopping trip for cozy clothes, willing or not," she added with a leering grin, and poked him gently on the snout.

Doug didn't take it lying down, as they slowly departed out the main door, with guards closing up shop for the evening. "I can dress casually, you manic shopkeeper! And I can wear the part better than you can as a warrior, armoring herself with dead monster carapaces!" He shot back.

"Uh…" Bonnie looked back and forth between her and Doug, and then her eyes widened. "Oh my gods. You two are a thing? When did this happen!?"

Both Fiona and Doug stammered out something that they weren't a thing, but Bonnie's laughter drowned out their explanations. "Oh my! Darla called it!" She was holding her belly, trying to ward off the laughter that wouldn't stop, and her eyes were tearing from the effort.

"But–it's not–we aren't–" Fiona's cheeks were likely as red as her hair at this point, and she felt a clench of anxiety in her chest. "Bonnie, no, it's like that! That she-devil jinxed me! No, wrong word, she mind-gamed me! Well played, my favorite prickly barista!" she called out aloud.

"Oh, I know exactly where this is going! I've read trashy romance novels, too, Swiftheart!" Bonnie cackled out of joy as they walked down the palace steps. Their commotion got the guards looking their way in curiosity. "I've seen you do a lot of crazy things, Fiona? But this is the craziest one of them all! I can't say I'm not surprised, given what you've told me. It's utterly adorkable."

"We're not a…we don't…we're polar opposites!" Doug protested, hopping around agitatedly, and getting a boost from his wing flaps to leer at Bonnie at her eye height. "You sly vixen, you're putting infectious thoughts in our heads! I see your enchantment at work!"

Bonnie left out a dismissive tsk, smiling proudly. "Oh no, Doug! There was no magic required for this wonderful spell!"

"Fiona's added you to her collection. You're doomed, Doug," Greg offered in the most deadpan way possible, and included a cordial bow to sell the point. Doug's pupils were little more than tiny pinpricks of black in an ocean of gold, and his tail stood straight on end.

"We're not a thing! And I'm insulted you think you're all part of Fiona's menagerie!" He shrilled. "Swiftheart, tell them we aren't a thing!"

"We're…uh…" It was at this moment that she realized…

…Maybe they were?

Doug was still flapping around like a fledgling, stammering, and his voice kept elevating in pitch. His scales on his face had taken on a burnished color, and he was now spurring accusations of witchcraft at Bonnie, who kept laughing as they walked down the snow-dusted path, where an automaton was waiting by the main drive.

And all the while, Fiona walked in a daze.

This felt different than her interactions with others. Bonnie wasn't wrong. It wasn't like Darla, or Lucy, or Theo–who she thought Theo was, even if it lasted for five minutes.

She and Doug did have a spark there. But a spark was different from a flame. It had the potential to ignite.

"Swiftheart, I'm dying here!" Doug protested. But the forlorn look on her face told him she was thinking of something else, at the moment.

Of someone else.

Greg opened the automaton door for Bonnie and waved to Fiona and Doug. "Are you guys coming?"

Fiona stood there, reeling at this possibility she hadn't ever considered. First, she glanced at Greg, a quizzical look on his face, then back at the anxious kobold.

Then, she knelt to Doug's level. He let out a soft sound of surprise in response. "Fiona, what exactly is going through your head?" he asked.

"I…I think there's something I have to do first. Not tonight, but…" she sighed, and looked to the city vista, towards the part of town where she could make out the silhouette of the guild centers. One of them, with the griffin tapestries fluttering, was the Adventurer's Guild. "There's a door I need to see if it's open…or if I want to close it forever. And I won't know what I want to do until I see for myself.

"In the meantime…let's go home."