Newly Broke Heroine! [Book One Complete, Cozy Fantasy Adventure]

Fiona felt the eyeballs staring at the back of her head, and she took a light step back. Varith fortunately had the grace to secure his weapon, and stared, slack-jawed at her, then at Glados.

"Uh. I'm sorry. What the hell?" He was in slight shock himself.

"Bianca, dear, you've been hoodwinked. This evil Barbie clone has been playing everyone against everyone." Fiona glanced at Varith anxiously. "Also, are you okay with being called Bianca, or–" she trailed off.

"Varith, for the moment." He sounded less sure of himself than before. "So, this woman is a shapeshifter?"

"Incorrect. Polymorphism has many variants. This appears to be…a class granted ability," Doug countered, finally having shaken himself of the shock of this reveal. "I've had a theory that Glados couldn't possibly fool that many people, unless she was passing off as someone else flawlessly. Bonnie, you know her from the academy. Was this one of her talents?"

"It's one I heard she'd gotten kicked out for. But the records were sealed. Must have been a pretty big scandal, when even the Fiefdala mage academy was notably silent." Bonnie walked over to Glados, cursing and screaming at the indignity of this. The kitsune waved her wand over Glados's body and extremities, then nodded after a moment. "She's clean, no weapons or other dangerous devices."

"Foxy bitch, you're still a talentless hack! I'm half a step from bringing a kingdom to its knees. What's your claim to fame lately?" Glados cackled.

"Managing Fiona. That's an accomplishment worthy of an archmage," Bonnie retorted.

Fiona narrowed her eyes at Bonnie, who returned the stare with a knowing smirk. "I don't need managing, Red," Fiona growled.

"Fiona, not even gods can manage you," Varith muttered, but he was focused on eying the infiltrator with scorn. "And you! Time to make you a shish kabob," Varith threatened. He reached for his weapon, but Fiona wagged a finger. "Don't stop me. We're still not even, Fiona!"

She laughed softly. "Oh no, you manic artist. I get dibs on her. She has a reserved spot in Fiefdala's darkest dungeon, whose only tenants are well-nourished rats. Seriously, even the rats are well-fed. I don't get that."

"Ahem." Greg pointed to Glados. "Fiona, how did you know, exactly? This wasn't on my bingo list of possibilities…Though I suppose given Doug's recent foray into all things shape-shifty, he would have kept this as an idea."

Fiona waved her hand lazily. "Every time we said Glados' name, Theo flinched. I think there's one fatal flaw to her power, where if someone thinks she's a fake, the disguise fails. Or, I have this super weird ability to call out fakes and magically disrobe them."

"You are a clueless, vapid, irresponsible woman who couldn't run a store!" Glados screamed. "You guessed! You didn't have a theory! You had dumb luck! Luck beyond measure!"

"Yeah, that's a pretty shitty power, where everything you try to fake can be revealed, if called out on it," Fiona yawned, then groaned. "Ah man, I don't have a superpower for revealing the truth? That one would have come in handy!"

"Can I have a moment to interject?" Everyone looked toward Vick, having forgotten him. He looked pale in the gloom of the cavern and sweaty. "I'd like to get this out of my system: holy shit, the future queen is a fraud, and I am at the epicenter of an interkingdom incident! I'm not paid enough for this, or guarding Barry, who has a death wish! And our soldiers have been pitching gold down an abyss!"

"Speaking of," Fiona pointed to the descending lift, "We should probably go chase them. Hey, Jake, I have a selfish priority order. I need someone currently more level-headed than me to give an unbiased opinion on what we should do."

"Shackle them all, figure it out with Greybeard senior. Barry's compromised, and I may have to politely intervene in a likely case of regicide," Jake finally chimed in. "Also, I don't want to gloss over this, but Fiona? Your ex is the King of Vale?"

"...Sort of?" Varith shrugged. "Let's just say when I crash landed on Fiefdala, after watching Fiona get obliterated in about the most awful manner possible? I broke a little bit."

Fiona glared at him. "A little bit? You straight up tried to kill me."

Varith frowned at that. "You deserved it! At the time. Also, no hug?"

Fiona tapped her hammer for emphasis, and her greaves creaked with coiled energy. "Oh, we are so far away from hugs at the moment. You broke more than a little bad. You were burning down a factory, with people in it. It's a miracle no one died!"

"They were criminals. I was within my rights, given the kingdom's laws," he countered.

Fiona sincerely doubted that. One douchebag had twisted laws on her once already to screw her over, and she doubted he was the exception, while Varith continued his defense. "Also, not that it matters now? I killed a bunch of slavers not that long ago when I put Vale under new management. Don't deny you wouldn't have done the same."

Fiona didn't feel like arguing this one, because the crazy ex was right. She would have used her hammer like a croquet mallet, and all the slaver's overinflated heads were sufficiently ball-shaped for the greatest imported game of all time!

And Varith was still deflecting from other hard truths, which she called out. "Varith, you were staging a false flag to justify an invasion, or a shakedown! Poorly, I might add! Even your own guys thought you were nuts, since they countered your little narrative. How'd that work out for ya?"

"It didn't. Vale is currently in transition, back to the old ways. The labor contracts will be replaced with chains in a month, at best," Varith sighed. "Thanks to Karlin's antics, Aegortin is coming after the gold he stole, with me holding the bag. Finding Karlin was my hope, and it looks like even he has was set back, too."

Fiona could not take this anymore. "For the love of...and you call me crazy. How long have you been trying to manage your--"

She caught the horrible accusation mid-stream. It's my damn fault she's here. Of course she hasn't had her medications for months. And magic can't fix everything.

Varith however, seemed to understand the words she's stopped from saying outright. "I've been fine, Fiona. From my point of view, you're the one who pushed both of us apart. But your survival threw a wrench in everything I was trying to do right."

Fiona still didn't buy it. "So, you're depriving one country of livelihood to free the people of another?" Her voice edged to condescending–Varith needed to hear the truth. "Right goal, wrong plan. Fates, Varith, you could have told me this, and I would have taken hammers to heads to make that happen!"

"Except you were the problem. I was told you would make that never happen, with your antics and putting Fiefdala back in the green. And I'm still pissed at you."

"And Miss Maleficent here is the one who warned you about me?" She pointed accusingly at Glados.

"She did look similar, but not the same. Should have known an unstart upheaval of the current management would attract opportunists like her," Varith growled. Fiona tapped her foot.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

"And yet when you saw me, you didn't say a word."

Varith's knuckles creaked, his posture tense. "I watched you die! Then, when I somehow landed here, I theorized you could have, too. But you never came looking for me. That hurt. When I first saw you, you were happy, Fiona."

Varith shook his head slowly. "You didn't have any right to be happy. You spent eight months living carefree, while I had to fight for my life, more than once! How is that fair?!"

"Oh, don't go there. I put myself into plenty of danger." Fiona tapped her boot patiently. She wasn't sad about this, she was pissed off. Even if Bianca was just a touch emotionally unstable.

"No, that's the problem. You got your wish come true," Varith said bitterly, biting so hard his lip bled. "The gods decided that Fiona gets the best life ever! After being a monumental screwup your whole life, you get this?! What a sick joke!"

Fiona crossed her arms and gave her former lover a scornful look. "You know what, Bianca? Save it. I can't talk sense into you right now. You're angry, you're bitter, and you need hug therapy. But not from me, not right now. I thought I was damaged when I landed here? You're worse."

Fiona let out a frustrated exhalation before she turned to Glados. "Our current agent provocateur needs attending to first. Varith, I need you to…promise to not go straight to violence?" she asked, hoping that, for once, he would see reason.

Varith's response was reluctant. But after a few tense seconds, he unbelted his sword and handed it to Jake. "I…believe some explanations are due later."

Jake at first regarded this with skepticism. But eventually, he took the blade in hand. "Bonnie, can you secure this?"

"Done." Bonnie's tossed the weapon into a dimensional pack she kept on hand, but she sounded dejected. Fiona knew she would need to lay out more details when they got home. And why hadn't she talked about Bianca.

Her friend scratched her ear, as if in thought. "I don't have the faintest idea of how we'll report this one out. Greybeard–the one with the actual beard–is going to be livid. And Glados? I never liked you. Much as I make fun of Barry, you're worse." Bonnie growled menacingly at her.

"Bite me, furball," Glados snarled. Bonnie was unbothered by the insult.

"Bonnie, is there any way to tell who else this woman has been impersonating, and how much damage she might have caused between then and now?" Jake asked aloud

Bonnie frowned as she inspected Glados closer, who was busy going through every colorful insult under the sun. "Hard to say. I've never seen such transfiguration that was so flawless. Mimicking personality? Not so much."

"No one appreciated my–"

"I think we're done here, " Fiona interjected, and grabbed a pair of binders off Bonnie. "Hey Varith, I need to do something here, mind ending the zappy-zappy thing?"

Varith unclenched his hand a little, and the violet energy dimmed. But Glados remained trapped in place. "You're not gonna run off with her, are you? I have a score to settle with her. And you…you broke my heart, you know that?"

The accusation stung. "I would offer an apology if it meant anything to you. And you need some therapy."

Varith shrugged. "Likewise. Sheesh, it's bad enough that you were a maniac on Earth, and you only got worse when you got here."

"Why is no one listening to me?" Glados wailed, fighting back against the restraints.

Fiona smiled and tapped her on the nose again. "Because you are a low-rent villain who just got revealed like someone pulling a monster costume off your head! I am seriously lacking a dog in this analogy. Bonnie, I need a rescue dog!"

"Dear gods, no," everyone responded in unison. Even Vick was part of the forceful rebuff.

Fiona sighed softly. "Okay, maybe some other day. In the meantime, I need to add this musical princess reject to my menagerie of former villains and adversaries in my shop!"

Doug laughed at that one, surprisingly. "If we keep this up, we'll have to rename the store to 'Fiona and Frenemies Emporium'. That's a banger name! Also, I have a bone to pick with her, considering my tiny state."

"Get bent, lizard," Glados snarled. "You're never getting back to full size. Never!"

The kobold had a remarkably muted reaction and shrugged. "So, that's a no? Hey, I think we can change your tune." He swiveled to look at her over his shoulder. "Fiona, what's your going rate for years of service to former adversaries?"

"Two years for each time I feel offended. For you, you could have left on the first day, you know," she reminded him. Then again, this musical villain reject might not be worth the trouble. "Oh, but Glados, I'm gonna have fun with you! I have just the place for you! Janitorial duties," she finished in a gravelly tone.

"Work for you?! I'd rather die!" Glados screamed.

Varith grunted and couldn't keep a leering smile suppressed. "Works for me," he commented.

"No one asked you, and you're still in the dog house," Fiona snapped. She then pointed to the now-cuffed soldiers. "Let's just get these guys secured until Nick's team gets here, then we need to go make like a plumber and go exploring for gold coins in the underground."

If she saw any mushroom-shaped foes down there, they were getting crushed underfoot. Or with her hammer, whichever one was most convenient.

Fiona folded her arms, then gestured to Varith. Jake had placed cuffs on him, and he didn't protest. "What's the deal with the Aegortin empire, anyway? Care to divulge some info, as an act of good faith?"

Varith grumbled softly before clearing his throat. "Karlin stole gold from everyone over several years. Fiefdala, Aegortin, you name it! The dragon was using stolen funds to steal a kingdom, in particular, yours. Or just gather all the Aurelium gold, not sure what's up with that."

Then, it clicked. "You know why he needed to bankrupt Fiefdala?" Fiona asked aloud. Greg waved a hand lazily, as if he had a guess. "Okay, if this nutjob's theory is right, he needs the bulk majority of the Aurelium to resurrect a goddess. And he'd need to gain ownership over the Aurelium bars in the Fiefdalian banks! They sit there like a reserve currency, but they're heavily fortified in the bank vaults, and only the treasury and a few other high-ups have access to them. You'd need an absurd amount of firepower or some big-brain heist to steal all of it. And, why bother steal it, when you can buy the land under it?"

Fiona pointed at Glados, still smirking. "So you let him chase his delusion, while you were working on your goal for the Aegortin empire to soften up kingdoms financially for a theoretical invasion! You're like, some agent of theirs!"

"Speculative, and so smooth-brained," Glados heckled. Fiona wondered how upset Barry would be when he found his fiancée in chains, let alone a little roughed up. "You lack vision."

I hate this woman so, so much. Fiona clenched her fingers around her weapon, and took a long, calming breath before speaking again.

"You know something? You are a spiteful, petty woman who is only interested in destroying everything around you. The kingdom you lived in, a woman who put the screws to Vale's slavery problem, for once, before you came along. Even Barry. And I hate Barry, too, but you did a number on him. You are a destroyer of good fortunes, you know that?"

"What can I say? I'm good at what I do," she laughed. "I wish Karlin luck. Maybe he'll find his goddess he's so hung up on."

Not likely. Because if I was a betting woman, the likely future goddess of fortune might be sitting on my wrist, if it isn't me. She decided to play the fool. "That delusional dragon? Yeah, right. Hey, Bonnie, spot me a locking foam canister?"

"Why?" Bonnie asked edgily.

"I don't feel like having this slippery snake slither away." Bonnie's ears perked up at this, and tossed the canister to Fiona, who tossed the canister at Glados' feet.

Glados shouted in confusion before the canister exploded into a torrent of fast-hardening seafoam colored foam, locking her in it from chest to toe. It was rock hard, and she wriggled against it fruitlessly. "You unsophisticated, knife eared bitch!"

"Can't really shapeshift if you're locked in that, can you?" Fiona poked at the foam, and Glados toppled over, no longer ensnared by the violet energy. She wailed as she hit the ground, trying to free herself.

Fiona couldn't help but smile gleefully at this spectacle, clasping her armored gauntlets to her chest. "Bonnie, you're the best! Locking foam has passed our test!"

"I shouldn't be proud of this, but I am," Bonnie said with a dramatic bow. "Jake, let's wrap up and get out of here. We can get the gold another day."

Fiona decided to give a gentle nudge to the prone Glados, and she screamed in rage as the roughly cylindrical foam wrap allowed her to be rolled around. "Hey, do you guys think I can use her as a rolling log in one of those little contests that we had on the river during the summer, back–"

"No, Fiona," everyone again shouted in unison. It was like they knew what she was up to, now.

Except Doug, who balanced on Glados and rolled her up the tunnel a short distance, laughing as he did so. Fiona had to give him credit, this was a much needed stress relief.

"Wow, you know what, Fiona? This was a great idea." With his wings to keep him balanced, he did a pretty good job of directing their prisoner back topside, grinning about it for every single second while Glados wailed about indignity. "Don't worry, we'll get me changed back eventually, now that you're on the hook for crimes. Many crimes. You might even get a reduced sentence," he said mockingly.

"I hate you all!" Glados screamed.

"Feelings mutual, Goldilocks."

Fiona was eventually persuaded by Jake and Greg to think of dignity, and Glados was hand-carried out, after a moment of this humiliation.

It was one small perk of this. "Hey guys, we still have half a billion gold coins to dig up, a pissed off empire about to come looking for money, and a dragon to go track down. And my shop is more of an eight to five kind of thing!"

"And dealing with Varith," Bonnie reminded her quietly. Varith hadn't given any resistance, and Fiona still wondered if her words had got through...at, least, partially.

Bianca is a mess. Still don't know why she's a guy, though. She tapped at one long ear and shrugged. Then again, if a goddess can give me an elven body, I guess anything is on the table. I am not looking forward to finding out everything she's been up to.