My Scumbag System

[Fairy Tale Princess - Platinum Trait]

All animals naturally adore you. In times of danger, nearby animals will attempt to aid or warn you. You can make simple requests of animals, which they will understand and attempt to fulfill to the best of their ability.

"What. The. FUCK?!" I stared at the description in horror, my jaw dropping open. The stark contrast between my self-image and this trait was so absurd it was almost physically painful. "Are you kidding me, Apollo?! I'm building a scumbag empire, not opening a petting zoo! What am I supposed to do with this? Lead a fucking animal parade through New Vein Academy?"

Apollo was literally rolling in the air, clutching his stomach with laughter. His tiny body convulsed with mirth, and tears of pure golden light streamed from his eyes, evaporating before they could reach the floor. His laughter had a strange, multi-layered quality, as if multiple versions of him were laughing simultaneously across different dimensions.

"Oh, the irony! It's delicious! Simply delicious!" he wheezed between fits of hilarity. "The big, bad Stray Dog is now a Fairy Tale princess! Snow White in a hoodie! The Audience is going to LOVE this! The juxtaposition is just too perfect!"

"Can I return it?" I asked desperately, trying to ignore the way Bartholomew had begun affectionately climbing up my pant leg, leaving a trail of silvery slime that would definitely stain. "Exchange it for something useful? Something that doesn't make me want to vomit glitter and befriend woodland creatures?"

"Returns policy?" Apollo wiped a tear from his eye, his laughter finally subsiding into occasional giggles that shook his tiny frame. "Now you're just being ridiculous. Fate has spoken! The cosmic algorithm has matched you with your perfect trait! Embrace your new woodland friends!"

I gritted my teeth, feeling a muscle twitch in my jaw. The urge to punch the diminutive deity was almost overwhelming, despite knowing it would be both futile and counterproductive. Instead, I silently promised myself that I would find a way to leverage even this absurd trait to my advantage. Perhaps surveillance using birds? Poison delivery via cute rodents? Emotional manipulation of animal-loving targets?

I'd workshop it. Turn this joke into a weapon. It's what I did best.

"Last one," Apollo said, regaining some composure though his eyes still danced with amusement. "Let's finish with a bang, shall we? The grand finale of this cosmic shopping spree!"

The final orb flared with platinum light, brighter and more intense than either of the previous two. My third platinum pull. This was insane luck, even accounting for the rate-up. The light was different this time—colder, harsher, with an edge of danger that made the hair on my arms stand up. It cast sharp, angular shadows across my room, turning familiar corners into alien landscapes.

[Energy Emission - Platinum Ability]

Channel your mana into devastating blasts of pure energy. Range: 50 meters. Damage scales with your Magic stat. Warning: High energy consumption. Continuous use will rapidly deplete your mana reserves. Side effects may include temporary numbness in extremities and increased appetite following use.

I read the description twice, then a third time, letting the implications sink in. It was a classic energy blast ability. A Kamehameha. A Final Flash. A Hadouken. The kind of raw, destructive power that could turn the tide of battle in an instant. It was powerful, versatile, and capable of turning the tide in a desperate fight... but it came with serious drawbacks. It ran on my own energy reserves. My Magic stat was my highest, but this thing would drain it in seconds.

"It's a glass cannon," I muttered, already seeing the strategic implications. The words came out softly, almost to myself, as I mentally played through various combat scenarios. "Powerful, but using it in a real fight could leave me completely defenseless afterward." A trump card, but a very dangerous one that could backfire catastrophically if timed wrong. It would need to be used as a finisher, or in situations where I had allies to cover me after the blast.

The Gacha interface faded, its ethereal light receding like an outgoing tide. The five orbs dissolved into particles of light that sank into my skin, leaving behind a momentary tingling sensation as the new abilities integrated with my being. Apollo gave me a final, smug wave, his expression that of a cat who'd not only caught the canary but convinced it to sign over its life insurance.

"Enjoy your new toys, protagonist! Three platinums out of five pulls—that's well above the advertised rates! A veritable bargain! You should be thanking me on bended knee!" His expression turned conspiratorial, his voice dropping to a stage whisper that somehow still filled the room. "Although between you and me, I might have... nudged the odds a bit. The Fairy Princess thing was too perfect to pass up. The contrast, the dramatic irony—it's the stuff of legends!"

"You're a sadist," I growled, still trying to disentangle Bartholomew from my shoelaces.

"Guilty as charged! But that's what makes me such an entertaining Sponsor." He began to fade from view, his form growing translucent at the edges like morning mist burning away under the sun. "Do try to put on a good show with your new abilities! The ratings have been excellent so far, but you know how fickle divine audiences can be. Always demanding more blood, more betrayal, more heartbreak! They're insatiable, really."

"Wait," I said, suddenly remembering a crucial question that had been nagging at me since this morning. "The joint training with the Sentinels. Is that your doing? Another little 'nudge' to make things more entertaining?"

Apollo's grin widened as his form became almost fully transparent, only his Cheshire cat smile and gleaming eyes still clearly visible. "What makes you think I'd tell you that? A good showman never reveals all his tricks... and a good protagonist learns to adapt to unexpected plot twists."

He vanished with a pop and a faint scent of ozone, leaving me alone with my new abilities and a very affectionate immortal snail now attempting to climb up to me.

The room seemed suddenly emptier, quieter. The regular sounds of the house filtered back in—distant voices from the kitchen, the hum of the air conditioning, the tick of the clock on my wall. Reality reasserting itself after Apollo's brief incursion.

I looked down at Bartholomew, who was leaving a trail of slime on my sleeve that would definitely require washing. His eyestalks were fully extended, waving slightly as if he were trying to see me better.

"You know," I said, unable to keep a note of thoughtfulness from my voice, "in a weird way, I think Apollo actually likes me. Or at least, he finds me genuinely interesting."

Bartholomew extended his eyestalks further, which I chose to interpret as agreement rather than the simple biological response it probably was.

"Which means," I continued, gently placing him back in his terrarium and wiping the slime from my fingers onto a tissue,

"I should be very, very afraid. Because when gods take an interest in you... it's rarely for your benefit."