My Nihilism Got Me Laid?!

I feel sick...

Like a puppy that ate chocolate, I sit there writhing in my self inflicted sorrow.

She has given me her pastry, her sandwich, even her cup of coffee. She did so on the basis that she wasn't hungry. But I know the truth, because I feel the same way, the nauseous feeling of disgust.

And so, as we sit there in silence, her side of the table is barren, with only her empty mug of coffee. Meanwhile, my side has the buffet she had ordered, but the food has gone cold.

She insisted that I eat; but I know I wouldn't be able to take a bite.

The sun is already halfway up the sky, the morning rush has already left, leaving the warm wooden cafe to feel hollow yet with a sprinkle comfort. The cafe has glass walls that overlook the street. Cars zip past, a visual representation of my mind. My thoughts racing, but to who knows where.

With that pained smile, she attempts to ignite a conversation. "So, did you do anything interesting over the weekend?"

I can't exactly say I killed a cult and fucked a pastor without sounding insane, so I decide to simplify. "I, uh... went to church, for the first time in a while."

"Hmm." She agrees with fake interest.

There's another moment of silence; it feels everlasting, yet, my mind is racing and I just can't keep up.

The cafe is practically empty, a few people are sitting alone as they type on their computers with their heads tucked.

With an awkward laugh, Astro begins to pack up her belongings. "Well, I apologize for taking up your time. At least you now know I'm not a very interesting person..." Bitting her cheek, she gulps down her pain. "Sorry."

"Astro..."

Her timid voice has picked up a hint of annoyance. "Its fine Graves! This was stupid of me to even ask you to do this!" She says that, clenching her fist, she truly wanted this to be the date of her dreams.

...

Her shoes patter against the tile floor of the cafe as she makes her way towards the entrance.

"Thank you." I finally muster up.

Her retreat is momentarily paused as she stops, yet fails to commit to turning in an attempt to hide her tears.

"Thank you for waiting for me, Astro. I have no excuse for being late; as you likely guessed, I don't work. In truth, I slept in."

My words cause her to tense her body as she tightens her posture.

"No words will solve what I did to you, and I still believe that you should find someone... literally anyone but me, to direct your full hearted love to. Your feelings are so full of life, so kind, in truth, I doubt anyone could be worthy of your love. Becuase... anyone would be better than me."

She finally turns to me, using the sleeves of her sweater, she wipes the tears from her red eyes.

"It's not that easy Graves!" Her voice stutters as she coughs on the tears. "I just... can't! These feeling aren't interchangeable like some movie disk. They have been reserved for one person and- and I just can't shake it!"

Her runny nose prevents her from formulating her next sentence. "The chest pain when I see you, the butterflies I get when I speak to you. WHY- ...why won't they leave?

I want to interrupt, but I know better. So, I sit there in silence, giving her my full attention; because, in this moment, she the most important thing in the whole world.

Like a candle having just burnt out the last of its wick, her words have diffused to a mumble as her eye. "Its like I said, its selfish of me to want to be your number one. So..." She tilts her head with dead eyes. "...even if it's only once a month, once a year... please, just... think of me."

There's a pause as the silence is filled only by the sounds of her tears pattering onto the table

"Astro, I... like ...you. So, I will stop lying to you... I can't reciprocate your love."

Her eyes dart up as her expression shifts to a plea. "But..."

"If I'm being honest, I'm scared. I used to love someone, but she left, and it feels as though she took the key to my heart with her. Your genuine affection confused and scared me; and as of recently, the lock has rusted because of that. But I won't let it break. I mean... what if it ended the same way, a broken heart?"

Her face pains as she winces as she attempts to hold in the tears. "...I wouldn't do that to you, I al-"

"It's truly not you Astro; I think you are the cutest and kindest girl I have ever met. So if you truly wish for me, and me alone, you'll have to be patient. Wait for my clam of a heart to finally open. But, you can't blame me when there's no pearl inside, and you realize that I am and always will be the worst version of myself."

Now it was her turn to listen, as she stood there gripping her sweater with a hopeful expression.

"So, until I can put the broken pieces of my heart back into one that can truly appreciate you, all I can offer is my friendship."

Here eyes widen, for a moment, she gives me a look of defeat, of fear. But after a few moments, her tears shift into a giggle. "Are you putting me in the Friendzone Graves?"

I managed to rid our conversation of the strained artificialness, as I can't help but scoff. "That seems to be the case. But..."

With a gulp, she looks at me, wincing, bracing for more bad news.

"...Friends hang out more than once a year, more than once a month. So I will hang out with you as often as you want, even to the point of you getting sick of having me around. But you've got to be the planner; as you can tell, my schedule is more reactive than proactive."

As though the clouds had lifted, Astro's true smile managed to beam its way through the rainstorm of tears. "Hmm... then I want to hang out once a week!"

"Well, I want to hang out twice a week!" I retort.

With a giggle, she sits back down. "Deal, twice a week, no take backs. I'll be the bestest friend you've ever had!"

As cruel as it is, I just lied to her once again. I don't think I'll ever get the key to my heart back, and even if I were, what would be the cost of choosing just one, what would happen to the others?

Even so, if I can't commit to her, I will do my best to fill the vacancy that I have dug into her heart.

"Are you hungry?" I scoff.

She giggles as she looks down at the cold food. "I'm starving."

Looking towards the waiter, I try to wave her down, but she gives me a look of disdain.

Clasping my hands together, I beg.

With a click of her tongue, she walks over. "How can I help you, douch- sir?" She states very aggressively.

"I'm not a douche anymore! Well- okay, I still am, but, please, just take her order." Turning to Astro I smile, "Get anything you want; it's on me."

The sparkle in Astro's eyes has returned; like a candle with a new wick, she playfully laughs and giggles as she scans the menu.

The waiter takes our order; moments before leaving, she leans down and whispers into my ear. "I'm going to put dirt in your coffee."

With a neutral expression, I nod.

Yea... I deserve that.

"So, what do you want to do after this? We can take it slow and go to a park... Astro?"

She's fumbling through her bag. With a gleeful smile, she whips out a piece of paper checklist. "First, we're going to the aquarium at noon..." leaning forward, she hands me a pair of tickets which she had preemptively bought.

"Then there's a batting cage that we can go to at one. And for lunch, I have reservations for a barbeque place that has really good wagyu. After that, there's a shopping district I want to visit. Sunsets at 7:30, so there's this pretty hill where we will go and he will go in for the kiss-" Her eyes widen as she throws her hands out. "AH! I- you didn't hear that- I was being... hyperbolic? and... It's just got a pretty place!"

With a warm smile, I chuckle. "I'm looking forward to it."

She was about to walk away... she had planned this whole day, hoping to make it perfect for both of us.

She works like a dog, and on her one day off she wanted to spend it with me...

Meanwhile, I had completely forgotten about the whole thing, until thirty minutes after...

What have I done?