Lost

He could feel his grip on his collar tightening, pulling his body closer. Jung Woojin had pulled stunts like this in front of him more than once. But this time, things were different. Woojin was still a high schooler, and they’d only just met a few hours ago. Well, it wasn’t the first time ever, but after not seeing each other for over a decade, didn’t that practically count as meeting for the first time?He should’ve known when Jung Woojin appeared in front of him without pants or underwear.“Hey, this is ridiculous…”“Hyung.”The quivering tone calling his name nearly made him bite his tongue.“I… I can’t… I can’t hold it.”At that, he opened his eyes, hearing the sound of skin rubbing more clearly.“Why are you doing this… here?”“My hand… I can’t… hold on.”“What am I supposed to do about that…? Still, try a little harder.”He let go of any remaining resistance in his body, feeling as if his soul was slipping from his lips.“I can’t.”The whining grew louder.“Well, then just forget it and sing the national anthem or something.”“Hyung…”“Woojin, please, whatever you do, can you just keep your mouth shut?”“Help me.”What the hell was he saying? His face twisted in disbelief as he turned to look at Woojin, intending to tell him to stop. But the sight of Woojin’s big eyes welling up with tears left him breathless.Woojin’s pale cheeks had flushed red, and he looked at him with eyes so sad they seemed to carry all the sorrow in the world, drenched as if they’d been dipped in water.“Help me.”As he closed his eyes tightly and spoke, the tears that had gathered spilled down. It was obvious he should tell Woojin to stop saying absurd things, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Not that actually helping was even an option.“How exactly am I supposed to help you?”“Why… why can’t you?”Jung Woojin’s voice wavered as he tugged at his collar again. The surreal actions made him wonder if this was all a dream. If only it were a dream… He had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to voice any further protests.Still, it wasn’t as if he could easily give in, either.“Why? Because… you’re underage.”“What does that matter?”“I could get arrested.”“I won’t tell anyone.”“Please” seemed to be silently attached to the end of his words. It felt impossible to talk Woojin out of it any further as he looked up at him with pleading eyes.“Then I’ll help you too, if you’re ever struggling, hyung.”“Help me with what? Stop saying insane things.”At my words, Jung Woojin shook the arm that clutched my collar again. His voice, drawn out like a whimper, seemed to pierce straight through my chest. I mentally cursed and tried to hold on to my composure, but in the end, I had to admit it.I didn’t know how to ignore Jung Woojin when he was whining and crying like this.“Let go and come over here.”With a sigh, I said it, and Woojin approached on his knees as if he’d been waiting for permission.“Let go of my shirt, will you?”“No.”“No need to come this close. Just… back up a bit.”“No.”“Damn it, can’t you say anything other than ‘no’?”I grumbled, glaring at him, but Woojin only leaned closer, his shoulder brushing mine. At least being this close kept things below out of sight, so maybe this was better.Who would’ve guessed I’d end up in this situation with a minor? The guilt gnawed at me, and I couldn’t shake the unease. I figured it would be better to just get it over with, so I steeled myself and reached down.The moment I touched him, he flinched, even though all I’d done was grab it. His tense body trembled and then suddenly went limp.“Ah…”The small sound by my ear made me shudder. Woojin released his grip on my collar and wrapped his arms around my neck. Silently, he pressed his damp eyes into my shoulder, his skin growing wet where he rubbed his face.Had he…? But all I’d done was touch it. That’s all. And yet, the hardness was still there in my hand, unchanged. Woojin, for some reason, kept burying his face in my shoulder, quietly shedding tears.Would anyone be able to tell him to back away right now? Could anyone in the world actually do that?I battled fiercely between reason and instinct, but in the end, I couldn’t even form the “b” sound in “back away” until he’d finished three more times against my hand.＊ ＊ ＊I forced Woojin, now cleaned up, to put on underwear and pants. Once I regained my composure and felt slightly calmer, guilt and regret over having crossed the line with a minor washed over me.With a heavy sigh, I buried my face in my hands, and then Woojin approached me again.“I’ll help you too.”“Stop saying things like that.”What was he even offering to help with? This guy was unbelievable. I rubbed my face in frustration, letting out another heavy sigh, then looked at Woojin with a serious expression and spoke calmly.“To be honest, I can’t say I’ve lived a perfectly upright life. I made plenty of mistakes in high school…”“…”“But I never went to someone’s place and asked if I could crash there half-naked.”Woojin just looked at me with that indifferent expression, making me feel a mix of exasperation and irritation.“We’re not strangers.”“It’s close enough. And earlier… hey, have you really never done it by yourself?”“Nope.”“Don’t lie to me. Back in middle school, you said…”I definitely remembered him once saying that the first time he did it was while holding onto that paper I’d given him. But here he was, lying without even flinching.“When you go to a friend’s house, do you sleep without pants on?”“No.”“Then do you wear pants but skip the underwear?”“Nope.”“Oh, so do you ask a friend to help because you can’t manage it yourself?”My words made Woojin frown as he looked at me, visibly displeased. But I couldn’t just let it go. The thought that Woojin might ever, even remotely, pull something similar somewhere else wouldn’t leave my mind.Recalling how he’d clung to me, whining and crying, I steeled my gaze, deciding it was time to speak firmly.“If you ever…”“…”But before I could even finish, I went silent. Woojin’s eyes, raised with irritation, began to fill with tears, brimming so full that they looked like they might spill at the slightest nudge. I couldn’t hide my surprise as I watched.Watching that, I began to wonder if getting angry was really the best option. Though Jung Woojin started it, I was the adult here. If I was truly an adult, I wouldn’t stoop to that kind of behavior with a minor. No matter how much he provoked me, if I were mentally sound, I shouldn’t respond to that at all.“I…”“…”“I was wrong. I said too much. I’m the one at fault. I’m the crazy one here…”Damn it, I was such an idiot… I wanted to sink my face into the floor. He wasn’t in his right mind; what could he possibly understand to follow along as I led him like that?“With anyone else, I’m not like this,” Jung Woojin mumbled, lowering his head.“I’ve never slept over at anyone else’s place.”“Well, that’s a relief. But even if you ever do, make sure to keep your clothes on, and don’t ask for help with personal stuff like this.”I felt like staying up all night doing back-breaking labor would be less tiring than this. As I sighed, Jung Woojin mumbled.“Then don’t do it either.”“What?”“When someone comes over while you’re sleeping, kick them out.”A raindrop fell onto the blanket.“Don’t help with whatever they ask you to do either.”Watching his tears drip down like a leaking faucet, I thought I’d never felt this embarrassed in my life.“If someone asks if they can sleep over, don’t let them.”“…”“Even if they cry, don’t comfort them like that.”The bitterness in his voice made me freeze, unsure of what to do.“Why are you crying so much?”“Who’s that person?”“What person? Who are you talking about?”Seeing the strange look on Jung Woojin’s face, I reached out to put an arm around his shoulders. As I held his small frame close and patted his back, he cried even harder.“Who’s the person who came over and cried?”“What are you talking about… I mean, that’s just…”It was so frustrating that I had no way to prove it. If I told him it was actually him, I’d just look crazy. As I struggled with this, Jung Woojin’s arms tightened around my waist.“If someone shows up in the middle of the night crying, you’re going to hug them and comfort them, right?”“No…”“Then stop doing that.”“No, listen to me… You’re really misunderstanding. There are reasons I can’t just explain who it is, but it’s not what you’re thinking—oof!”I was trying to explain as best as I could, but his arms tightened around me, making it hard to breathe. I had no choice but to smack his back.“Loosen your grip! Let go!”“Then who is it?”“Even if I told you, you wouldn’t know!”When I shouted, Jung Woojin let go and shot up, glaring at me with his tear-streaked face.“Fine, then! I’ll take my pants off for anyone too!”“What the hell are you saying?!”Watching him stomp toward the front door, I quickly got up and grabbed his wrist.“Let go!”“Are you insane? Where do you think you’re going, and in the rain?!”“What’s it to you?! You won’t even tell me anything! If someone else comes crying, you’ll just comfort them and let them stay, but why can’t I do that? You do whatever you want, so why can’t I?”Had he lost his mind? The nonsense pouring into my ears left me speechless.“You don’t even care how I live, where I live, or if I’m even alive or dead! So why are you bossing me around now? You wouldn’t care if I said I was leaving for good tomorrow or studying abroad, right?”“What does that have to do with you taking off your pants for strangers? Just stop yelling, it’s late…”I tightened my grip on his wrist and pulled, but Jung Woojin twisted his arm, determined to stand his ground. In the end, I couldn’t hold back and yelled.“Jung Woojin!”The loud voice startled him, and his shoulders shrank. His wide eyes filled with tears that began streaming down.“I’m really not coming over from tomorrow.”“Fine, fine, I get it. Stop crying and come here.”“No. I really hate you. I hate you more than anyone in the world.”Hearing him cry like that weakened me again. I let go of his wrist to hug him, but this time, he grabbed my wrist instead. It all happened in the blink of an eye. Earlier, he’d been twisting his arm, fighting against me with all his strength.“I don’t hate you.”I sighed as I spoke, and Jung Woojin lowered his head.“Don’t lie.”“I really don’t hate you.”I held his face with both hands, lifting it to reveal his tear-streaked face. I wiped the mess with my sleeve and brushed the hair away from his forehead. Jung Woojin sniffled, his voice thick as he asked.“Then tell me who that person is.”“Why are you so curious about that?”“Is it someone you’re seeing?”“…”“Do you like them? Are you together? Huh?”I couldn’t deny it, but I couldn’t exactly confirm it either, not in this situation. I was going crazy. Maybe I should just tell him it’s his future self.“Why did they come here crying? Why are they crying?”That might be better. At least then, Jung Woojin wouldn’t cry like this.“Why are they crying? Damn it, if they’re with you, why would they cry? What’s so sad and painful that they have to cry? Why are they crying? If it were me, damn… I’d just be smiling every day. Who do they think they are to cry… Damn it, why are they crying…”The tears started to well up again, dampening the corner of his eyes that I’d just wiped. His tears ran down over my fingers that held his cheeks. I wondered if he even knew what he was saying. He kept telling me how much he hated me, that he wouldn’t come over anymore, yet everything he did and said contradicted that.Watching him cry with a heavy heart, I sighed and said softly.“You’d probably cry a lot too.”“I wouldn’t.”“Yeah… you would…”If he cried, it wouldn’t be ordinary crying. That thought ran through my mind as he rubbed his cheek against my palm, asking.“How long have you been together? Has it been a while? Do you like them a lot? Who are they? A school friend? Are they older than you? Younger? Do they treat you well? How much do you like them? Are you going to keep liking them? Can’t live without them? Are you going to marry them?”“They’re not here anymore.”Honestly, I wanted to answer each of his questions with all my heart. But no matter how I thought about it, there was no answer I could give.“Not here? Where did they go? What do you mean they’re not here? Are they out of Seoul? Out of the country? What do you mean?”“I’ll answer, but take a breath. Ask slowly.”“What do you mean they’re not here?”“They’re just… not here. I don’t think I’ll see them again.”Saying it out loud suddenly made me feel down. Was I really never going to see them again? Am I just going to keep living like this? Then, where did the Jung Woojin I love so much go?“What did you like about them?”“…”I was lost in thought when Jung Woojin spoke again. He seemed to think my words meant we’d broken up or that I was pining alone.“Were they good to you?”“…”“How good? Did they like you a lot? How much? Did they say they loved you every day? Were you together all the time?”Seeing him start to cry again made my chest feel heavy. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen him cry, but it hurt to see him cry over a misunderstanding.“Did you like them a lot?”The words pouring out of him were less questions and more confessions of love. At least, that’s how they sounded to me. Every word he said about hating me, not coming over again—all the endless questions—sounded like nothing but declarations of love.“Are you really not coming over tomorrow?”“…”As if all the things he’d said nonstop were lies, Jung Woojin suddenly went quiet.“You said you weren’t going to see me anymore.”He stared at me silently, as if he were a mute who had just eaten honey, not uttering a word and glaring at me. Even though he had said that, his face looked like he had just been told not to come back again, with tears welling in his eyes.“Are you going to study abroad?”“……”Even if he said he wouldn’t come, would he really not? Jung Woojin couldn’t possibly be that way. He would probably make all sorts of excuses and come every day. There would be plenty of nights like today when he would stay over. And even if, just maybe, he really didn’t come anymore, I had no intention of just standing still. We would have to see each other in the future anyway, and if that was the case, I thought it might be better to let Jung Woojin misunderstand a little less than to keep him crying like this.“If you’re not going to study abroad and will stay in Korea, do you want to live with me?”“What?”“Not right now, but after you graduate.”A big droplet that had formed on his eyelash fell. He was so shocked that he didn’t blink or even breathe. When I tightened my grip on his cheeks, his lips, swollen from crying, stuck out like a duck’s bill. I had actually meant to kiss him, but came to my senses just in time to press my forehead against his.“Let’s live together.”“Wh-”I could see his eyes shaking right in front of me. Something seemed off, so I pulled back my forehead and straightened my back. I noticed Jung Woojin was trembling strangely.“I don’t want to.”“Why?”“I don’t want to…”Did I say something scary? Did I say something wrong? Or was it too soon? Should I have waited a bit longer to say it? While I was lost in these thoughts, a terrified voice came out.“Why are you saying that?”I didn’t know if he was scared by the idea of living together or if there was another reason I hadn’t noticed. He had been crying all along, but he hadn’t trembled like this until suddenly, I couldn’t understand what had changed.“Are you going to live with me forever?”“Forever?”“That’s not going to happen, right? Then why say something like that?”Hearing this, I began to understand why Jung Woojin was so frightened. Was he worried about living together and then breaking up? I couldn’t know for sure, but knowing how great and firm his anxiety was, it couldn’t be entirely off the mark.“Is it okay if we live together forever?”“What?”“I’m asking if you’d live with me if I said we would live together forever.”If forever was the condition, that was much easier than the previous conditions. If this Jung Woojin was the same Jung Woojin I knew, there would have been at least twenty more conditions attached to that. Like not talking to anyone else, not making eye contact, and so on, ridiculous conditions.“Do you understand what that means?”Did he dislike how casually I said it? Jung Woojin frowned and repeated my words back to me.“You don’t understand?”“I do.”“You have to stay with me forever. Not anyone else—only me. We have to eat together, sleep together, cry together if we cry, get angry together if we get angry, and die together if we die. Got it? Can you do that?”“……”Seeing Jung Woojin speaking as if he had been waiting to say all this made me a bit surprised, and I fell silent. Where did he write those words down to memorize? How was he so good at saying just that? As I was bewildered, Jung Woojin spoke again in a voice more annoyed than before.“If you can’t do that, don’t talk to me about living together. Got it?”I had just been so shocked that I temporarily lost my words, but Jung Woojin must have interpreted that brief moment differently.“When did I say I couldn’t do it?”With a sigh, I spoke, and Jung Woojin opened his mouth with a more urgent tone than before.“We have to stay together, just the two of us. You have to like me the most. Even if someone else says they like you…”As he spoke, his words started to trail off, and he eventually asked with a serious expression.“What would you do if someone said they liked you?”What would I do? I would just accept it. I was about to say that, but before I could, Jung Woojin cut me off.“What would you do? Would you leave me again? You would, right? If so, why would we even live together? If that’s the case, we shouldn’t be living together at all. That can’t be right. Seriously, isn’t that wrong to live together with me and do that?”He didn’t give me a chance to respond, bombarding me with questions, answering them himself, and coming to conclusions on his own. I had no idea how far his thoughts had gone, but in his mind, I had already become a despicable person who left him for someone who said they liked him. That especially hurt, particularly the word “again.”“I won’t do that. I won’t leave you.”I spoke with all my sincerity, but Jung Woojin cut me off flatly.“How can I believe that? You’re saying you won’t now, but how do I know you won’t later? Even if you want to be with me now, your heart might change later. How can I trust you, damn it? Just forget it. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m done!”After saying that, Jung Woojin suddenly turned his back.“I’m really not coming here anymore.”Standing in front of the door, it looked like he was about to leave, grabbing the doorknob.“I won’t come again. I won’t visit you again, and I won’t look for you anymore.”Because his back was turned, I couldn’t see his expression.“But if…”He had been holding the doorknob for quite some time, but the door did not open. His voice, which had been sharp and angry, gradually lost its strength and began to tremble slightly.“But if…”“……”“But if you really promise you won’t do that, I’ll do whatever you say.”It was hard to believe that just a moment ago, he had been shouting to give up and not do this.“I won’t believe you anyway. I’ll still not believe you, but if you say that, I’ll try to believe it. Even if it doesn’t feel okay, if I keep thinking it’s okay, sometimes I might really feel okay. So if you just promise, I might feel better.”He looked so cold standing there alone. I didn’t know if Jung Woojin realized what he was saying or how those words sounded to me.I quietly listened to the desperate words Jung Woojin was pouring out.“Promise me you won’t do that. Swear that you’ll stay with me. Swear that you’ll live just with me until you die, not anyone else, only me. If you swear you’ll live with me like that, I’ll live with you. Can you do that? Will you?”He asked but didn’t seem to expect an answer; he didn’t wait for mine.“Living together, right? But you can’t even do that? See? It was just something I said. It just came out. You can’t even promise me that, and you’ll go and say that to someone else later, just like you did with me? Why? Why do you do that? I…”“……”“What’s wrong with me? If I have a problem, just tell me. Just tell me. What do I need to do? How can I get you to only like me? How can you keep staying with me? Why won’t you tell me? Just tell me. Tell me. What did I do wrong?”His voice was tinged with tears. I wanted to hold him right away and comfort him, saying that it wasn’t like that, but I didn’t. Those were the first words he had ever said to me. Words he had kept bottled up inside all this time.“Please don’t do that to me… We can’t do that. Why do you say you want to live together? You won’t even promise me… Just lie to me. You can say you swear it now. Who cares what happens later? Just tell me now that you’ll live with me, just the two of us.”His hand fell from the doorknob.“Why do you say you want to live together when you can’t even say something like that? How can you do that…”Slowly raising his head, he turned to look at me again. His face was so fierce that I would have believed he had just killed someone.Jung Woojin approached me step by step, looking terrifying as if he were going to strangle me.“I really hate you. I hate you more than anything in the world. I wish you were dead. Just disappear from my sight. Don’t ever show up again. Don’t let me see you or hear your voice. Never again to me…”When Jung Woojin reached right in front of me, he widened his eyes, bit his lip, and barely managed to raise his trembling hand to grasp my collar.“Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t let me hear any news of whether you’re dead or alive. Please disappear from my life. Please just stop. I’m struggling, I want to die… Please, I’m begging you, don’t say that kind of thing again.”The torrent of curses he was pouring out gradually lessened, turning into sobs.“Really… please, don’t do that…”“…”“Together…”His voice was muffled by his crying, and as Jung Woojin repeated the same words over and over, he closed his eyes.“If we could live together…”He looked as if he were imagining something, as if he were dreaming.“How wonderful that would be.”Tears flowed from his closed eyes.“I think I’d want to die every night because it would be too good.”“…”“If this is a dream, I wonder how I could fall asleep without worrying that it will all disappear when I wake up?”I embraced Jung Woojin as he clung to me. His forehead rested on my shoulder, and he held my collar with both hands, gripping it tightly enough to tremble. Even without looking, I could tell tears were dripping to the floor.“If we really live together, what should we do? What if it’s too good? How do we live when it’s this good? I want to live with you, even just for a day. Just one day.”Listening to what Jung Woojin was saying quietly, I raised my hand to touch the back of his neck, which felt damp as if he were sweating. As I stroked his wet neck and patted his back, his crying grew louder.“Okay, let’s live together.”“What if you change your mind later?”“I won’t.”I comforted the anxious Jung Woojin, who clung to me without leaving any space between us. He continued to whimper, rubbing his wet cheeks against my neck.“If I start to dislike you again, don’t tell me to wait; just tell me to die. If you tell me you dislike me, I’ll leave, so don’t disappear without saying anything or go somewhere without me.”“Got it. I’ll never do that. I swear.”Though Jung Woojin was crying and saying something, I couldn’t understand what it was because he was crying too hard.“What did you say?”“I’ll start to hate you… ugh… I’ll get tired of you…”“Hmm?”“Damn it…”He was cursing while crying, and I could hardly hear him. I couldn’t help but feel both pity and fondness for him, unable to suppress a smile. Jung Woojin, who was catching his breath with his shoulders shaking, began to speak with a trembling voice.“If I feel like I might start to dislike you or if I get even a little tired of you, let me know in advance so I can fix it.”“Take your time and calm down a bit.”Though I said that, Jung Woojin didn’t calm down at all.“I’ll do what you say. So if you tell me in advance before it’s too late, I’ll try to be the person you like. I’ll do whatever I can. Just let me know in advance.”“Sure, if I feel that way even a little, I’ll let you know. If I don’t say anything, that means I’m not thinking that way, so don’t worry about it until I say something.”I had no idea how to stop this sorrowful crying. No matter how much I tried to comfort him, Jung Woojin wouldn’t stop crying. I started to worry that he might get dehydrated at this rate.“What if this is a dream? What if this is a dream? You asked me to live with you, but if it’s a dream, how will I live from now on? I don’t even know if this is really good or bad because it’s so good.”After that, Jung Woojin kept saying something while continuing to cry.“I’ve liked you a lot since I was young.”He kept saying things, but I could hardly understand most of them because they were buried in his cries.“You didn’t know? I still like you a lot.”I wondered when he had cried like this, so I decided to just wait until Jung Woojin stopped crying.“I still like you a lot.”“…”“I like you.”The heavy rain that had been pouring down began to stop, and the morning was brightening.＊ ＊ ＊It was a long time after that before Jung Woojin finally stopped crying. Just when I thought he had finally stopped, he’d cry again when our eyes met, and when I called his name, he’d sob again, feeling sorry for himself. Afraid that he might cry again, I didn’t dare to speak or look at him, standing like a screen until a sudden thought occurred to me.“By the way, aren’t you supposed to go to school?”“Ugh…”“…”I couldn’t bring myself to say he should wash up and go to school when he was sniffing like that. His face was a mess from crying, and he felt hot, so I felt uneasy about sending him to school like this. If he wasn’t going to go, shouldn’t I contact the school?He said his parents were abroad, so was there nobody at home? In any case, I couldn’t just leave Jung Woojin like this, whether he went to school or not. Even if he was crying, I needed to feed him something or let him rest.With those thoughts, I started to move. I turned my back to open the window, and Jung Woojin clung to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and whenever I moved, he followed me, sticking to my back. It was uncomfortable, but I couldn’t shake him off, so I just left him be and opened the window.As the cold air came into the room, I felt a bit clearer.I tossed the blanket that was sprawled on the floor into the washing machine and opened the small refrigerator. The only thing I saw to eat was water, so I started rummaging through the cupboard. I found some dried seaweed, rice, a few retort foods, and a few packets of ramen.After thinking for a moment, I tapped the arm wrapped around my waist and asked.“Do you want ramen?”“…”“Aren’t you hungry?”“I am.”His tiny sniffling voice almost made me laugh. I worried that if I laughed, he might cry again, so I tried to maintain my composure and asked again.“Do you want ramen, or do you want to go out and buy something to eat?”“I don’t want to go out.”“Then do you want ramen?”I felt him nodding behind me.It was a small studio, but that didn’t mean having someone attached to me was comfortable. I needed to use the stove to boil the ramen, but was he planning to stay like this?“…”“…”I stood in front of the stove, waiting for a moment, but Jung Woojin showed no sign of letting go. Now that he wasn’t making sniffing sounds or crying, it seemed he had stopped crying, but if I asked him to let go for a moment, he would definitely cry again.In the end, I could only quietly and cautiously boil the ramen without saying a word.After making the ramen, it suddenly dawned on me that Jung Woojin couldn’t handle spicy food well. The ramen wasn’t particularly spicy, so it should be okay, but since this was high school Jung Woojin, he might have an even lower spice tolerance than the Jung Woojin I knew.Should I add more hot water? Or tell him to rinse it with water? It would be nice if I had something like cheese to add, but there was nothing like that here. Resigning myself to the situation, I rubbed my arms around his waist and said:“It’s ready.”“……”“……”“……”Had he fallen asleep standing behind me? There was no response, so I stayed still, letting a similar memory bubble up. Jung Woojin used to do this sometimes too. Whenever I had to go out for an appointment or if something didn’t sit well with him, he’d cling to me from behind, crying in protest. That Jung Woojin was much taller, so he’d wrap his arms around my neck rather than my waist.“Hyung.”Lost in my thoughts, Jung Woojin suddenly called my name. His voice was much clearer now than the nasal tone from earlier.“I don’t want to go to school today.”“Eat the ramen, and then call the school to say you’re taking the day off.”I didn’t think I’d be able to focus on anything if I sent Jung Woojin off like this, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to let him stay home for a day. Seeming to take that as his cue, he added:“I don’t want to go tomorrow either.”“What?”“I don’t want to go at all.”What was he talking about? Frowning, I grabbed his arms wrapped around my waist and forced him to let go. He resisted for a moment but soon released, looking up at me with reddened eyes.“You’re not going to school?”“Yeah.”“Why all of a sudden? Why don’t you want to go to school?”My question made him clam up. His face looked gaunt, probably from how much he’d been crying. As much as I wanted to tell him to do whatever he wanted, I steadied myself.“If I go…”“What?”“…If I go to school…”“If you go?”His voice was so quiet that I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I leaned closer to catch his mumbling words.“If I go to school, I’ll have to be away from you.”“……”“You finally agreed to let me live with you.”His voice started to waver as if he were about to cry again. Startled, I straightened up and tried to change the subject.“Let’s eat first and talk afterward.”The ramen had already become a little soggy. I scooped some into a bowl and set it on the kitchen island, then guided him to sit. I handed him the chopsticks, and a dull ache began to creep into my head.We had agreed to live together eventually, but only after he graduated from school. And no matter what, he still had to finish high school.There was a lot I wanted to say, but I held back, afraid he’d start crying again. Should I wait until he finishes eating the ramen, or maybe I shouldn’t talk about it at all today?As I debated, I noticed him picking up a strand of ramen with his chopsticks. I knew it – I should’ve just given him plain rice with some seaweed.“Is it spicy?”“No.”“Do you want something else?”“I’m fine.”Though he said he was fine, I certainly wasn’t. I couldn’t swallow anything, so I just nibbled on my food, glancing at him as he sat there in silence before he finally spoke.“Hyung.”“Huh? Is it spicy?”“No. What’s your ideal type?”Where did that come from? I was about to say I’d never thought about it, but an idea suddenly popped into my head.“Someone with a good educational background.”“What?”“I like people with good educations.”“……”Jung Woojin stared at me blankly and then frowned.“You’re just saying that to mess with me, aren’t you?”“Nope. I really do prefer people with good educations and stable jobs.”“……”“Someone responsible and diligent in their work.”Looking dissatisfied, he pressed his lips together and returned to eating, one strand at a time. Watching him, I put down my chopsticks and asked:“What’s your dream?”“My dream?”He still wore a grumpy expression.“What do you want to do after you graduate?”My question made him open his eyes wide. Was it that surprising for me to ask what he wanted to do after graduation?“I…”Seeing him hesitate without answering right away made me uneasy. What could he possibly want to do? I waited anxiously for him to continue, and finally, he spoke up, blushing slightly.“I want to get married.”“……”Ah, that was typical of him. I looked at him with a complex expression and sighed.“No, I mean besides that. What do you want to become?”He paused again, making me wonder what Jung Woojin-esque response he’d come up with this time.“A good…”“A good?”“A good husband.”I was honestly floored.At his response, which never failed to meet my expectations, I couldn’t help but laugh. With his swollen, red-rimmed eyes, he smiled along with me, the corners of his lips curling up in a radiant, silent smile that lodged itself in my heart like an arrow.How could he smile like that? I watched, almost forgetting to breathe, as his laughter seemed to dazzle. Then he spoke again.“Hyung, you know what I said earlier?”I had no idea what he was talking about, but I was too overwhelmed to care.“It was actually a lie.”Watching him speak with that same smile, I nodded solemnly. I didn’t know what he was lying about, but it didn’t matter. After all, everyone tells a few lies in life, and he’d even confessed to it himself.“If you say you like someone else, I might kill them.”I froze mid-nod.“And if you say you don’t want me anymore, I’ll lock you up somewhere where no one can reach you.”“……”“So… please don’t like anyone else and don’t stop liking me.”I stared at him in disbelief and said:“Couldn’t you keep that kind of thing to yourself?”“If I kept it to myself, you wouldn’t know.”“Even so, maybe it’s best if you keep that stuff just to yourself. I’m telling you this for your own good, but that’s not exactly a normal thing to say, you know?”The warm feelings I’d had from his affectionate smile shattered instantly. Exhausted, I sighed and rubbed my forehead as he spoke in a slightly deflated tone.“I know. But I can’t help but feel uneasy.”“What about?”“You said your ideal type is someone with a good education.”“What?”I had no idea what he was going on about. I crossed my arms and straightened up, signaling him to continue.“If your ideal type has a good education, that means I’d have to keep going to school. That way, we wouldn’t be able to spend as much time together. I’d have to go through high school, university, even graduate school. It’s not like I could come back in a couple of hours, and what if your feelings change during that time? You’d obviously say they wouldn’t, but feelings don’t just stay the same because you say they will. Once feelings change, they’re gone, and I’d be left going to school every day feeling anxious… And it doesn’t even end there – after school, I’d have to work hard at a steady job…”I hid my mixed emotions as I listened to his long-winded excuse for not wanting to go to school. High school or college, Jung Woojin was the same. He was just Jung Woojin.“Then let’s draw up some kind of contract.”He actually suggested a compromise for once instead of whining or stubbornly refusing to go. Should I be relieved? Honestly, I’d be willing to draw up a hundred contracts if that’s what it took. Just as I was about to nod, he glanced at me and added:“Marriage registration papers or something like that…”“……”“……”He seemed to lose confidence, perhaps thinking he’d overstepped, and since I remained silent, Jung Woojin anxiously shifted in place and changed his approach.“Then promise to see me every single day without missing a single one.”Considering Jung Woojin’s personality, this was a huge compromise. If I said no, he’d probably start talking about locking me up again. Besides, seeing each other daily was a given, even without him explicitly saying it.“Alright. Come after school. Every day.”At my words, the sullen look on his face began to shift into a faint smile.“And if I text, you have to reply right away.”“I’ll reply as soon as I see it.”“And answer my calls right away too.”“Got it.”“You have to sleep with me every night too.”I nodded easily at each request, but at his last demand, I shook my head.“That’s not happening.”“Why not!”The moment I refused, Jung Woojin looked like he was about to cry and shouted in frustration.“You said we’d live together! So we should sleep together, too!”“I meant we’d live together after you graduate.”“Oh, seriously, that damn school!”Even grown-up Jung Woojin complained about work every day; this high-school version of him was whining about going to school. Grumbling, he gave me a hard look.“Then at least let’s sleep together on weekends.”It might be unreasonable to sleep together every weekend. He’s still a minor, and if he were to stay over every weekend, his parents might get worried. But refusing again might make him cry, so I reluctantly nodded.“Alright.”I figured we could sort things out later somehow. Thinking a bit optimistically, I agreed, and Jung Woojin didn’t hesitate to continue.“And go on dates with me sometimes.”“Sure.”“Tell me you love me every day.”“Alright.”“And smile at me.”I nodded along, eyes closed, giving vague answers, then opened my eyes. Seeing our gazes meet, he earnestly spoke again.“Call my name with a smile.”“……”“And think of me even if I’m not there.”He stared at me without blinking. I looked at him, then reached out, laying my hand over his.“I’ll think of you even when you’re not around.”“……”“And if I see you when I’m out, I’ll call your name with a smile.”“……”“And if you wake up from a bad dream or can’t sleep, I’ll pat your back.”As I smiled while speaking, a faint blush spread over his pale face.“If thunder roars on a rainy night, let’s hold hands under the covers and sleep.”“……”His gaze, which had been fixed on me, wavered slightly before settling back on me. When our eyes met again, I finally said what I’d long wanted to.“I’ve liked you a lot, even since we were young.”“……”“You didn’t know, did you? I still like you now.”Time seemed to stop. Every sound—the faint noises from outside, even the ticking of the clock—faded away. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart.“Can I come over there?”When I nodded, Jung Woojin got up and approached me, standing right in front of me. I looked up at him, blinking as my eyes grew wet. Watching him standing there, motionless, I spread my arms, and he fell into them as if he’d been waiting.“I’ll work hard at school.”“Alright.”“I’ll graduate from a good school and get a good job.”Unable to respond due to my laughter, Jung Woojin raised his head. His teary eyes inched closer. I stifled my laughter and leaned back, and he pouted.“I forgot to say—let’s hold off on things like that until you graduate.”“Again with graduation?”There was no other way around it. You might think a kiss wasn’t a big deal, but these things matter the first time. After you start, it’s easier the second time, and even easier the third. If I gave in and kissed him, he’d probably whine for another one tomorrow. Kissing would lead to more, and if things went further, it could get serious.“So now you’re not going to help me at all?”As I feared, Jung Woojin voiced his complaint. He didn’t specify, but I knew what he meant. I nodded firmly, and he started muttering nonsense.“What if I can’t control my hands again?”“Then just calm down.”“What if I can’t calm down?”“Take a cold shower.”“Then will you just…not do it too?”I couldn’t help but frown at the sudden shift.“Why are you suddenly dragging me into this?”“It’s not fair if you get to, but I don’t.”“When did I ever stop you? I just told you to handle it alone.”“Then I can help you out when you do it too.”“……”We might as well have been talking to a wall. No matter how much I explained, it felt like we were on completely different pages. Yelling at a wall might be less frustrating.“I could help you when you need it, right?”“Quit talking nonsense.”I sighed, and suddenly his eyes lit up like he’d made some groundbreaking discovery.“Then, can I sit on your lap while I do it?”“……”“That should be okay, right? Right?”“……”What on earth am I supposed to do with him? I was so tired of saying no that I simply pushed him away and stood up. As I took the empty ramen bowl to the sink, he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind.“But it feels like we’re married when we’re like this.”He pressed his cheek against my back, rubbing against me until my shirt started to bunch up. It felt silly, but it was clear that he was completely uninhibited. I could excuse myself for feeling comfortable since I came from the future, but this high-school version of him clung to me and said sweet things without the slightest hesitation, even though we’d just started speaking casually.“Hyung.”Lost in thought, I turned to him as he called out.“What are you thinking?”“You.”“Thinking about what?”After spreading the blanket, I picked up the pillow that was lying around and handed it to Jung Woojin.“What do you like?”“You.”“No, I meant food.”“Whatever you like.”His answer came out almost immediately, like a pop-up pirate toy; he wasn’t even thinking about it.“You’ll eat it when you wake up later.”“I want to eat whatever you like.”I’d asked the same question three times but hadn’t gotten a proper answer. I thought Jung Woojin liked roasted sweet potatoes the most, but since he might be different now, I asked. Covering the lying-down Jung Woojin with a blanket, I asked,“Do you like sweet potatoes, by any chance?”“How’d you know?”“It just seemed like you would.”Turns out, I was right. Sweet potatoes weren’t an unusual choice, considering I often steamed or roasted them, so I’d grown somewhat comfortable with cooking them.“But it doesn’t seem like something you’d want to make a meal out of, does it? Maybe as a snack.”I propped my head on my arm and lay beside him. Jung Woojin, who was lying straight on his back, turned his head to look at me, then fully rolled over to face me.“Are you going to sleep?”“We hardly got any sleep. Aren’t you tired?”“Are you going to sleep too?”“I need to.”So much had happened in a short period, and I’d been so on edge that, as soon as I lay down, my eyes started to blur.“You won’t go anywhere while I’m asleep, right?”With a worried expression, he asked.“I’m not going anywhere.”“If you do go anywhere, wake me up.”“All right.”“Even if it’s just to the bathroom, you have to wake me.”Seeing how serious he was, I couldn’t help but laugh. I reassured him with a chuckle, but he still seemed uneasy. I reached up to ruffle his hair and said,“Go to sleep.”“Aren’t you going to give me a goodnight kiss or something?”At this point, I wasn’t even surprised anymore. He didn’t really look like he expected it either. It just seemed like he was throwing it out there to see what would happen.“Sure.”“Then can I give you one?”“Woojin.”When I sighed and said his name, he looked at me with wide eyes, a bit like a startled rabbit.“Go to sleep. I’m tired.”“You’re too cold sometimes, you know. Do you really like me?”I looked into his earnest black eyes, raised my hand, and gently covered them. His eyelashes brushed against my palm every time he blinked.“I really like you.”“Really?”“I like you so much, it’s crazy.”At my words, Woojin seemed like he wanted to say something, but then he clamped his mouth shut. When he spoke again, his tone was noticeably curt.“You’re feeling annoyed, aren’t you?”“Yes. Sleep now, quickly.”At my immediate answer, Woojin finally pouted his lips. Watching him, I suddenly realized I was smiling. When did I start smiling? I moved my hand up and down, brushing his hair lightly, which made the hair on his forehead move gently. Then I pushed his bangs back, and Woojin squinted at me.“Goodnight.”Woojin closed his eyes again. I could see his eyeballs shifting beneath his eyelids. His eyelashes fluttered, and he shifted his body slightly, but he must have been tired because he fell asleep within ten minutes.“……”His sleeping face looked so childlike. He was a high schooler, so technically still young, but the Woojin I knew didn’t look like this, which made him seem even younger.His build was smaller, his frame shorter, and unlike the hands of my Woojin, scarred with uneven new skin from injuries, this younger Woojin’s hands were clean and delicate, almost like porcelain. He cried easily, just the same, and his eyes would redden slightly whenever he looked at me intently, also similar.Would he call me “sunbae” instead of “hyung” when he goes to college? Woojin never actually called me “hyung.” Oh, I wonder if he’d be able to call me by my name either. I should have asked him to try saying it earlier. After knowing each other for years, he still couldn’t bring himself to say my name properly.Maybe, if I kept telling him to call me Seoju, like an echo, he’d eventually do it, just as Woojin had. But, honestly, how he called me didn’t really matter in the end. Whether it was “sunbae,” “hyung,” or my name, it was all fine.It didn’t matter what he called me, because the fact that Woojin was calling me stayed the same, and no matter how he called, the way Woojin looked at me remained unchanged.But.“……”But, was the “hyung” that this Woojin was calling really me? The Kang Seoju that this Woojin knew wouldn’t say things like “I like you so much.” So where was that Kang Seoju? Where did the Kang Seoju that the high school Woojin had once tearfully adored go?And the Woojin that I love?If this wasn’t a dream, if it was truly reality—if I had become some alternate version of myself—what would happen to the me in the world I used to live in? Would I simply disappear? Or would the me that lived here have switched places with him?Is Woojin in that world with my twenty-year-old self?“……”The thought left me feeling like it could really be the case. Had we truly switched places? Why? Why did we suddenly switch?What would happen if the twenty-year-old me met the Woojin of this world? Things wouldn’t settle in just a day. Ah, how much would he cry again? He’d probably curse at me and demand to know who the hell I was, but I worried that Woojin might faint from the shock.But somehow, things would work out in the end.He’d say, “I love you,” and “I like you,” dozens of times a day, holding him, looking him in the eyes, spending time together. And if Woojin thought he had lost his memory or realized, like me, that I was from a parallel world, maybe he’d like him even more.After all, that Woojin and I never did anything together, nor did we have any good memories, so maybe he’d be fulfilling all the things he’d ever wanted to try.Would he? Probably, right?“……”Maybe.“……”Then what would I do?Suddenly feeling dizzy, I closed my eyes.It’s not the outer appearance that makes someone who they are. It’s the memories and experiences that form their identity. And the Kang Seoju that might exist there wasn’t the same as me, with none of my memories or experiences, just my appearance.We’re different people. Just two people who look alike, but are different.“……”The same goes for this Woojin here. Young Woojin was pitiable and endearing, but he wasn’t the Woojin I knew. Even if we spent as much time together here as we had in my original world, would he ever become the Woojin from my memories?Right now, I am stranded on an isolated island.Lost in a faraway place where I may never be able to return home. Where I may never hear news or meet anyone from there again. Forever, until I die.If I can never, truly return to my world—to where my Woojin exists.