Legally Brunette (Ace Attorney style GameLit)

On most days, excluding Thursdays, I am known as Raven Lockwood. But today, and for the time being, my name is Woodlock, Woodlock Soles, and I am both a hardboiled detective, defense attorney and a secret agent.

Why, you may ask?

To assist my beloved protege, Mina Hawkins in a moment of crisis–namely, being accused of grievous crimes involving human butchery. Now little miss Mina Hawkins, she'd never hurt a fly…unless it was annoying her while doing paper work, and I'm gonna prove that in the name of fair Lady Law herself!

Disclaimer: Also, due to the hardboiled nature of my detective persona, this story will now be told in first person gritty monologues. And boy do I like grits at my local Southern Passion restaurant.

So, first, before I even get down to any problem solving, I needed to fetch my Hemlock Homes detective outfit from my purple jalopy. Being a theatrical individual, I prefer my outfit to match my persona. Why do I have a Hemlock Homes outfit in my trunk? That is a mystery for another story, and much less important than freeing Miss Hawkins from prison. (Besides, I just had dry cleaning that day.)

Now that I had my outfit, it was time to visit Ms. Rita O'Law. A dame of the law I had a fling with a few years back and I am still paying my wages of sin from that affair. (Divorce papers to be less hardboiled and poetic with my words). She, of course, was happy to see me.

Chief O'Law pursed her lips and then burst into laughter. "Leave it to Raven to dress up like a weirdo and it's not even Halloween."

I tipped my trademark Hemlock hat. "Ma'am, for me, every day is Halloween."

Rita O'Law rolled her eyes on her otherwise frozen slowtoxed face. "Now that I can believe. Why do you want to see me?"

"Because…I wish to see the security footage. The night of the crime when that poor Director Mr. Decor was butchered in the most inhumane ways possible."

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Rita lifted an eyebrow amazingly considering the work done. She flicked the overhead television on in her office.

It revealed a cowardly, portly director in a beret being chased into his office by someone with a knife. Their back was turned to the camera and their outfit was pretty condemning, and so, my ex copper wife did the damning with her signature flair.

"We've gone over the footage constantly. The person is clearly Hawkins. She has all her attributes: The dainty figure. The pink miniskirt and lawyer suit, the brunette hair down to her buttocks. Couple that with the fingerprints on the murder weapon and I'm sure the prosecutor has this case in the bag!"

I held my pink to goatee and giggled like Dr. Sinister. Sometimes the law could be so blind. For my ex wife did not know one special detail that I did–Specifically what my dear protege was wearing that day. So I tucked it away to save for a rainy day (or whatever famed weather girl Miss Sunny Storms predicted on the day of Mina's court case!).

"So?" the chief said. "Did you just come in here to make me laugh, Raven?"

I, the great detective, Lockwood Soles laughed instead. But not at her or myself, but at the sheer ridiculousness of this case instead "This court case is very funny even if it is no laughing matter. Other than the heinous video, I have come to question the prime suspect. Fanatic numero uno!"

The door clicked open and it was like destiny had delivered my fate on a shiny silver platter. Standing before us was a slim girl with huge full moon round glasses, a pair of scruffy brown pigtails and a baggy white T-shirt reading "Professional Erotic Fanfiction Author."

Yes, it was Flan, the disgruntled Mina fan who had told off her idol in such a dramatic fashion. Now she was no longer cosplaying her ex-heroine but rather wearing her true skin. That of someone who wrote needlessly gratuitous and explicit stories about fictional characters in the bedroom.

"Miss Flannery, I presume…" I said. "Just the person I wanted to see. Have you come to turn yourself in?"

Flan shook her head, her large eyes magnified a thousand times more by those giant glasses. She spoke with a retainer addled lisp. "Nope. Quite the contrary, Mishter Lockwood. I've come to wish my ex-obsession my condolences…"

"Aww that's so sweet," I cooed. Perhaps Flan wasn't behind the butchery that happened last night?"

"I washn't finishthed," the fangirl lisped with savage spit flying from her mouth. "I've come to wish my ex-obsession, Mina Hawkins condolences when I rip her a new hiney in my massively detailed testimony against her!"