NOVEL NEXT A Grand Pish Posh Entrance
The next day I spent the morning deciding my grand entrance at the courthouse. You see, most people, including my biggest fans, knew me as Raven Lockwood, the not-so-mild-mannered defense attorney who often burst into the courtroom singing bastardized rendition of the Hee Bee Gee Bee's eternal masterpiece "Keepin Real," in the highest falsetto voice a man could muster while still remaining a man.
Not today! I was Lockwood Soles, a detective so hard boiled, you could put me in a simmering pot, and you'd have a fresh hard boiled egg to enjoy with breakfast! A different persona came with a different entrance.
And so, when I entered the courtroom that day, I didn't send the doors flying and belt like Larry Bigg, no, I played a much more sly and slick tune: The sneaky theme of the Blue Panther!
Everyone, including my dear client, her friends and the old judge, watched in amazement as I crept through the aisles, scouring the room for clues! I didn't find any, though a fine lady punched me when I inspected inside her surprisingly hairy nostril!
I finally reached the defendant bench, a bit ruffled from my altercation but all the better for it. A bit of fisticuffs always gets the adrenaline flowing. The sassy old judge Divine Justice glared at me. "What in the bejebus are you supposed to be, Raven Lockwood? Halloween isn't for a few more months!"
"My name is not Raven!" I said, holding my magnifying glass to my eye to inspect the judge's grouchiness. "I am Lockwood Soles, hardboiled and a handsome master detective!"
"Oh Lord have mercy on my soul," said the old pious judge lady. "Raven's developed yet another identity for himself! What kind of villain managed to corrupt his mind this time?!"
"Actually," Mina said, approaching me with a smile on her face and a perkiness in her voice. "This time he's just cosplaying so he can have fun with the narration of this bonus arc…"
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"Oh lordy Lord with a side of green beans," Divine gasped. "That's such a meta answer. You can definitely tell we're in the bonus arc!"
Mina and I looked at each other and smiled. I was so happy to see my protege in one piece. And all of her little friends were with her too.
Blind Justice and Ashley O'Ryan, her current partners in life, were sitting behind the defense chair, as were the spikey haired mall goth Elmira wannabe Winona and the Rotund and baritone voiced Trudy.
Even without me, Miss Mina Hawkins sure had one heckuva team behind her. But something was dogging my mind…
"Mina…" I said, eyes wide like a hawk. "If Blind and Ashley are supporting you today…who is the prosecutor…Please tell me it's not Legal Suit Larry!"
I felt a familiar clammy hand on my shoulder. Larry stood beside me, thankfully not dressed up as Lawvis. "No," he said, his beady little mole eyes magnified behind his glasses. "I was going to have a throwdown with my own adversary but then someone so rich bribed me to stay out of it. I would have obliterated you, but…"
Suddenly, a familiar tune started playing. Majestic horns and violins carried the regal tune of Her Majesty's theme. I bobbed my head accordingly until one dire thought popped into my head: THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND WAS DEAD! (Of natural causes mind you, she was very old.)
"Who could this theme possibly be playing for?!" I demanded.
"Oh ho ho ho ho!" a high pitched and thickly accented lady's voice chortled. "Get ready for a true regal prosecutor, luv…"
Everyone starred in amazement as the most prissy woman in a pink petticoat paraded down the aisle, flanked by a few British soldiers. Her pasty face was so pinched including a curved dainty little nose and rosy red cheeks. Her blonde pigtails were so curly and twirly it sprouted off her head like long handlebars that could knock someone silly if she turned her head. She carried her dress while at the same time twirling her nose.
When she reached us, I gasped. "Who are you?"
The girl held a gloved hand to her face, the pupils inside her green irises shrank and she let out the most obnoxious chortle. "Oh ho ho ho ho ho! My name is Priscilla Prettipenni and I am a royal prosecutor from jolly old England!"
She reached behind her and held up a sweet sugary swirling morsel. "Sticky bun?"
I didn't need detective's foresight to know this posh girl was going to be a royal pain in the whatsit.