Lament of the Slave

Clenching my fists, I suppressed the urge to punch him. Deckard was the one who told me to ask Esu. The one who, despite where we were and what was going on around us, was calm and acted like nothing was of concern. It gave me a false sense of security, made me feel like my fears were unnecessary, that if I was foolish to have them at all. He made me feel all I had to do was treat Esu with respect, and everything would be fine.

Foolish notion supported by the fact that Esu thought of me as his spawn, which in a twisted sort of way I was. It definitely played a part in my daring to ask.

But it didn’t make Deckard’s remarks any less irritating, especially when I had to admit he was right about the latter. “I’m not fearless,” I told him he was wrong about that. “Every time I ask, I’m scared, hesitant, searching for the right words not to offend him.”

Deckard raised an eyebrow, realizing he may have chosen the wrong words. “Hey girl, look...”

“But you’re right. I don’t know what to think of Esu,” I dared to interrupt him for the first time. “I’m aware that he’s an extremely powerful beast, massive, ancient, and who knows what else. Ten times my level, considering me his spawn. Plus, my instincts aren’t working in his case.”

“Your instincts?” Deckard asked, his curiosity piqued.

I froze, realizing I might have said something I shouldn’t have. Cursing my big mouth, I sighed and made up my mind to tell him about it. “Yeah, my instincts. I don’t know if it’s part of the [Beast] or my mutations,”  I paused for a moment, thinking about my decision to tell him. However, I desperately needed someone I could trust. “Maybe they are a combination of both. Anyway, as far as Esu is concerned, they’re at a loss.”

Deckard found this fascinating for some reason, and I ended up gradually telling him about what I felt in the presence of the other beasts in the clearing. Well, except for the adult mossbears, who I haven’t had the pleasure of facing yet.

“Seriously? Lie on your back, exposing your stomach and neck?” He almost laughed when I told him how I felt in the presence of mother mossbears. “Did you do it?”

This time, instead of answering, I gave him a stern look. I didn’t find it that funny, at least at the time. Now that he made me imagine myself actually doing it, I couldn’t help but grin a little.

I also realized that Deckard did it again. When he noticed that the sight of the dead man brought tears to my eyes, he immediately diverted my attention elsewhere, unaware that the memory of my mother was the cause of my sadness.

For a second, I considered saying thank you but quickly changed my mind. He wouldn’t appreciate it and would probably brush it off with some remark like, “Don’t sweat it, girl.”

“Cub,” Esu grunted above me, making me jump. Yet I immediately turned to him and looked up. “The mature ones fought. Now let them go. The young ones too.”

This massive beast made me utterly speechless again. Then I panicked a bit at the thought of what I should do, thinking immediately about how to do it because “no” was not an option. This time he wanted me to tell them they could go, leave the clearing and vent their frustration elsewhere.

He could very well have done it himself. It would be no doubt faster. However, I was aware that in addition to practicing my combat skills with the young mossbear, he was trying to teach me something by letting me do this. Though what he was trying to teach me escaped me. 

Was it roaring like a beast? I think I handled it pretty well, even though it was still awkward for me. Was there some extra trick to it I missed? I couldn’t think of any.

So I at least tried to convey what I had to say to them in as few words as possible. “Go!”

A simple word, a brief roar, yet it put considerable pressure on my throat. It made me want to cough, a sign of weakness I didn’t want to show Esu. Oddly enough, it reminded me of a job interview I once had. I sat there, suppressing a cough so as not to show rudeness to the interviewers. Foolishness, I know. At the time, it brought tears to my eyes, now my ears twitched. Unlike then, no one pointed out this tic of mine this time, not even Deckard, which I appreciated.

In contrast, to my utter wonder, those massive beasts standing on the edge of the clearing or gathering strength after a fight in the middle of it acknowledged my roar, my word. With a few exceptions, which Esu set straight by his presence, they dispersed into the woods without further ado. 

To see them go left me with a glimmer of hope my torture was over. That little flame didn’t burn for long, though. It was extinguished the next moment when I noticed the young mossbear who had been my training partner so far remained to lie down, as did the adult whom Esu had been healing.

It made me baffled, as I didn’t exclude them from my roaring message, and I didn’t see or hear Esu giving these two any kind of reminder to stay. So did I make a mistake? It wouldn’t be surprising. Well, I didn’t want to belittle myself. However, that’s kind of how I imagined the other mossbears would react, just ignoring my roaring. So I shouldn’t ask why these two didn’t listen, but why the others did.

“Good job, girl,” Deckard said, not too seriously. “Can you send the others away too?”

“Hahaha,” I laughed scornfully through the connection. I had serious doubts that their departure was my doing. Especially after I looked at my feet, which were once again buried in the moss.

What was the point of such training if Esu was basically doing the work for me? It weighed so heavily on my mind that I had to ask. “Great Esu, forgive my ignorance. What are you trying to teach me?”

The ancient beast towering over me shuddered in what was the equivalent of a chuckle. “What you are.”

“What I am?” I repeated his words out loud, thoughtlessly. He meant my nature, my essence, though I still didn’t understand.

“You deny it, cub,” Esu grumbled in explanation. “Yet that’s what you are.”

I took one shaky step back as I finally understood. I saw what Esu was trying to teach me, probably hoping I’d figure it out on my own. That’s where I let him down, even if he didn’t say it. Not only did I deny it, I rejected the idea of it. Or rather, I didn’t want to admit it. In the end, it didn’t matter. He was telling me I was a beast.

“You okay, kid?” Deckard asked me in response to my falter, my dropped ears, wings, and motionless tail. I may have let out a whimper, too.

I turned to him. “Deckard, be honest with me. How do you see me right now?”

“I feel like this is a trick question,” he replied, hesitating over the actual answer.

But I needed to hear it, so I chose to be blunt. “Do I look like a beast to you?”

“Sort of,” he admitted, and even though I whimpered in disappointment, I was glad he was honest with me. “If it’s the way you look...”

Before he finished, I shook my head. “Not my looks, but how I seem to you.”

I saw immediate understanding in his eyes. Then he grew serious. “Beast, definitely a beast, but I see a confused girl underneath, too.”

Nodding, I smiled weakly. A beast. That’s what I was denying, and that’s what Esu was trying to tell me I’m. A quick glance at the status screen told me otherwise, though.

 

Name: Korra Grey

Race: Human

Gender: Female

Age: 29

Class: Slave (Master - none)

Level: 94

 

So, where was the truth?

According to the system, I was still human. Was it a lie, then? After all, my body was a mixture of a human and eight different beasts. So what was dominant? Human part, or beast part? The answer was obvious. Right now, the beast part. So why did the status screen show something else? It couldn’t be just because I refused to accept that I might actually be a beast?

Was Esu wrong then? Well, it wasn’t my nature, it was my skill that made me what I was now, a freak as some have called me. Skill allowed me to change, deepen the mutations when I called for the mossbear to come in my desperation. 

Plus, I did it because I had no choice. It was this beastification or go with that thought fuddler. Since then, I have struggled with what I have become, with my instincts even though they have been largely helpful. 

So in a sense, Esu was right. I have not come to terms with what I was right now. 

“You okay, kid?” Deckard asked, seeing me lost in thought and disheartened. Then he started stroking his beard like an old sage. “Maybe I can share my wisdom.”

I smirked, baring my fangs. “Esu wants me...he’s trying to make me accept what I am. A beast, according to him.”

“Oh, yeah, that...” he said, looking at me like he was seeing me for the first time. “As strange as it may sound, I agree with the big guy. And before you start growling at me, listen. How can you fight the enemy to the fullest when you’re still struggling with yourself? That's how I see it.”

“Like, because I don’t want to accept what I am, I don’t make full use of the [Beast] skill?” I asked, baffled yet thinking about it.

Deckard shook his head. “It’s not just about that one skill. You can always change it, but will that make your wings disappear?”

“No,” I admitted. “So you’re saying I could turn into this...” I pointed at myself. “...even without [Beast]?”

“Beats me, but do you really believe one skill at a measly level twelve, which you said was your average, could fool him?” he asked as if he knew which way my thoughts were going. 

At his nod towards Esu I looked up at the level 900 plus ancient behemot, realizing how stupid and naive the thought was. 

“Am I really a beast then?” I muttered aloud, lost in doubts.

“You are,” replied Esu, startling me with his answer. When I glanced up again, he was looking at me, his antlers glowing faintly. At night, lit by two moons, it was a breathtaking sight. Yet, it was overshadowed by the feeling that washed over me the next moment, making me feel safe. Like I was in the embrace of my family.

I felt loved.

Esu’s intention with this...aura was not to make me think of my family, though. In amazement, I watched and felt my beastification recede. I shed my fur, my claws retracted, and disappeared, along with my fangs. As weakness swept through me and my legs wobbled, I realized I had just lost the twenty-five percent bonus to the strength that [Beast] was giving me.

“That’s quite a change. Nice...legs,” Deckard remarked awkwardly when he tried not to name a less decent part of my body. Still, his gruff voice washed away that beautiful feeling Esu’s aura gave me. So looking at him, angry for what he’d done, I bared my fangs at him, only to just fully realize that right now, they were just the canine teeth I usually had.

Licking them, I looked down, something I didn’t have to do, yet did anyway. What I saw with my own eyes only confirmed what I observed in my domain. I was butt naked.

Most women I knew would have squealed in that situation, covering their lap and breasts with their hands. Me, I cursed. “Fuck!” surprising myself by getting the actual word out of my mouth, not just a growl. Then a little red in the face, I covered my boobs with my wings while Sage wrapped himself around my waist, preventing prying eyes from seeing my lap.

Kind of a weird reaction, considering I’ve always thought of myself as a bit of a prude. If it happened to me on Earth, I would definitely start screaming and looking for the nearest bush or hole to hide in. More than a year of staying naked changed my view of nudity a little bit. Just a little bit, it didn’t turn me into a clothes-phobic exhibitionist. I simply felt less awkward about it. 

So even though the awareness of my nakedness made me blush and feel embarrassed, it didn’t make me panic, screaming and trying to hide. 

“That’s...useful trick,” Deckard said still through the connection, oddly enough, not sounding disappointed that I covered myself up but rather amused. I guess he simply didn’t see me that way since he kept calling me girl or kid.

A little irritating, but I was probably just another inexperienced girl with a few levels in his eyes. How old was he anyway? He looked to be in his late 40s, but was that his actual age? 

Question for another time, because before I could ask Deckard, the warm air of Esu’s breath swept over me. “See now, cub?”

So, did I see? Yeah, I got what he was trying to prove to me. I understood I was no longer just a human. Only accepting that I should be a beast instead was damn hard, scary even.

“You’re still my spawn,” he added in a rumble to prove his point further.

It was only at that moment that it dawned on me. I understood what Esu was saying. His words weren’t just a growl to me, even though I was human now. 

“How is that possible?” I gasped almost out loud, thinking hard, trying to find a good reason for it, but there was only one possible answer.

I... I was still a beast. Esu was right.

The reality of it hit me pretty hard. I think I blanked out for a second or two before I started questioning the notion of it again. After all, I didn’t understand the horned rabbits I faced this morning and their strange squeaks and roars. Though, I couldn’t deny they were low-level beasts, admittedly stupid. They couldn’t be compared to mossbears, nor did I have their essence coursing through my veins, as far as I knew.

Then there were those bestial instincts that never made themselves known before, as well as my ability to speak their language that had not previously manifested itself. It wasn’t until after I fully changed here in the clearing. Change caused by the skill. It was all because of the [Beast]. It had to be.

So why did I have doubts?

Was it because it was my instincts that actually responded to Zander Denholm’s challenge? Ever since he shouted at me under that wall in the barracks and I found out what that skill could do to me, I’ve been wary of using the skill, afraid to give in to the beast that I will go wild if I do. Based on what I’ve heard from others, a reasonable concern. Yet I didn’t. Despite using the skill to its fullest today, I didn’t turn into a foaming-at-the-mouth, screaming lunatic. I kept my sanity.

Why was it? What made me different from the others? Swordmaster Blaine told me in the hall the other day that it was because I got the skill another way. At the time, I thought it was because I had beast essences in me, while the reason may very well have been because I was a beast all along.

Was it then the [Beast] that was responsible for all the changes?

No, it wasn’t. All these bestial traits were in me from the very beginning, most likely from the first injection I got or rather after the first mutation I had. Whether they were hidden in my DNA or suppressed by my subconscious and denial of the truth made no difference. They were there. The skill only gave me forced access to them, brought them to the surface. And more or less, only after I let myself become a beast. In fact, I had pretty much already admitted to myself what I really was when I did that.

So, no! The skill didn’t make me a beast, Dungreen did. That lunatic was responsible for what I was. And I was a BEAST.

I wish I had stood strong when I admitted it to myself. But I was shaking, worrying about whether it meant I was no longer human. At that thought, dizziness hit me, along with the jarring ringing of the system’s notifications. It was so disorienting it brought me to my knees, where I threw up under nausea it caused me.

 

(ding) Your >Race< has been updated

(ding) You have reached level 95

 

Holding my head, which was still spinning, I looked at the status screen with moist eyes, expecting to see that my race is no longer human.

 

Name: Korra Grey

Race: Human/Beast

Gender: Female

Age: 29

Class: Slave (Master - None)

Level: 94 -> 95

[Unspent Stat Points: 1]

 

“Human/Beast,” I whispered, breathing a sigh of relief. I was so happy that the system still considered me human that I burst out laughing.

“Well done, cub,” Esu praised me in a growl that resonated in my body and washed away the dizziness. I even sensed a hint of pride from him. And it made me even happier.

I had no clue whether the mother mossbears sensed what had happened or whether Esu had somehow let them know, but they too added their praise in the grunts that echoed from all parts of the clearing.

I smiled and looked up at the night sky. On Earth, I was only human, just as there was only one moon. Here were two shining up there just like I wasn’t just one anymore. I was a human, but a beast, too.