Internet 24

I lift more of my shirt and find two slugs that have made it to my chest, one on each tricep, and I feel the teeth of a slug on the nap of my neck. Each one is filled with blue gas. A closer look shows that the gas is clouds filled with sparks of electricity ricocheting inside them. I now know this is my soul.

RYE

What the hell, man?! Why am I

covered in these damn leeches?

KURT

Slugs, technically.

RYE

Slugs don't suck the souls out of people.

KURT

And leeches aren't made of glass,

but these slugs are. Come on, get on the same page.

RYE

Okay, whatever, it's...

just get them off me.

KURT

Can't do that until you make

a decision to buy something.

RYE

I don't want anything. Well, not from here.

Even then, I don't know what kind of

frying pan I want. I mean, look at me.

How can I make a decision?

KURT

With life-threatening pressure fueling your choice.

RYE

That's not how it should be.

KURT

Too bad, that's how it works.

RYE

And why? I don't get why my life is on the line.

Kurt floats down to me. He gets right at my eye level and stares into them. They say the eyes are a window to the soul. I see in his gorgeous eyes, and I mean gorgeous, like baby jewels. I see a tired soul. One who has pushed for so long. Why is he so exhausted? What does he do other than sit on the stool? I bet all he sees is my soul being slurped up in like ramen broth.

His voice matches his soul. He doesn't want to be the one to deliver this news to me but has to. I guess no matter if it's reality or fantasy, a retail worker is left with the work no one else wants to do.

KURT

The amount of people who can see this

aisle on this planet is minuscule in the grand

scheme of things. In this town, shit, it's barely anyone.

So, my sales are a bit low. Corporate doesn't

like that. It's a precaution we adopted

to boost our numbers.

RYE

This is extortion.

KURT

It works.

RYE

Is my life really worth your job?

KURT

I gotta eat.

RYE

Fine, I'll just, uh, get the grail.

I'll return it afterward, and we will--

KURT

No can do. If you return the item within 40 days

of purchase, those slugs reappear and

suck that soul right out of your body.

RYE

UGHHHHHH, FINE. How long do

I have to return the item and not get slugs?

KURT

Store policy is we don't

accept returns after 40 days.

RYE

Of course, of course! Fine, fine,

I'll just get something. I'll just...

I go silent for a moment. My eyes bounce around the shelves as each item is weirder than the last. "Eye of blind gorgons," "Tax Evasion for Dragons," a juicer that claims it can juice anything with "anything" in big, bold letters.

KURT

You freeze?

RYE

I'm thinking.

KURT

About what?

RYE

It's a lot of choices.

KURT

It's an aisle full of mystical items. Pick something.

RYE

It's not that easy.

KURT

Easy?

RYE

I mean, look at this, it's a box of

toothpicks that double as lie detectors.

KURT

Yeah, if whoever is using it lies, the gaps

in their teeth fill with more food. It's hilarious,

and people use it to make infinite food.

RYE

That's not the problem. They cost $300!

KURT

It's infinite food!

RYE

Infinite food from my teeth.

I gag at the thought of last night's Cacio e Pepe growing in my teeth, all that pasta, cheese, and chicken sprouting. How do people even save that food? I need to stop thinking, or I am going to vomit.

RYE

Look this... this is all amazing, but the

cost is too high just to pick something.

KURT

But it's worth every penny.

RYE

It's just not that easy. I have rent. This box alone will put

me in the hole. Then what if I lose it or

someone discovers it. Am I responsible for that?

Will secret magic police hunt me down for revealing magic?

KURT

Breath kid. You're overthinking it.

RYE

There is no overthinking it. That is how

my head works. Before you can finish a sentence,

my mind shoots out a thousand thoughts.

I think out every way this can go good or

screw me over. I can't shut it down.

So stop saying it's easy.

KURT

It is. Pick something so you don't die.

RYE

Its... Woah, I feel like I'm gonna pass out.

The room spins as my vision in one eye blurs. Every word he says feels slower. The room is freezing, but I'm sweating gallons. My knees ache. These slugs are really doing their job.

KURT

No, you're dying! I just said that. Look, what's

going on? Why can't you pick something?

Usually, people would jump at this opportunity,

and you're here just... flailing about.

RYE

I'm zoned out on a roller coaster...

my mind won't focus even though

it's going erratic. I can't just make a decision.

KURT

It's not a rollercoaster. This is a

store way less stress.

Well, except for the slu--

I hit the floor.