Internet 24

Kurt tries to fly back to the ring of floating items, but I grab him by the vest. I didn't yank him off his orb; it was more of a tug. Enough for him to know not to move. I don't want to be aggressive, but would you blame me if I was?

He's annoyed. I can see it in his eyes. He wants to move on to the sale, but I can't let what he said slip by like it was nothing. I have teeth in me!

RYE

What do you mean they have their teeth in me?

KURT

I mean, they have their teeth inside you.

Don't worry, they will be off soon

...hopefully.

He moves back into the air, into the ring of clumped items. He reaches and grabs something. His mouth forms a cheese-filled grin that would put any car salesman to shame. The item floats to me.

It is a sword. The sheath is ivory with blue metal edges. The blade handle is the same shade as the sheath with slight hints of orange. The guard is a cubed shape with the extra pillars, resembling a castle.

KURT

Now look at this beauty right here.

Go ahead, pull it out.

The sword lands on my hand. It's lighter than I thought, about five pounds. I didn't know what to expect. I never picked up a sword. I unsheathe, and the blade shines in the grocery store lights. It's the same color as the handle. It resembles marble, but the edge is sharp. I can cut through the shelves as if they were clouds.

KURT

This sword is worthy of the greatest hero,

one for the king of kings. It is called the Z-Caliber.

RYE

Excalibur?

KURT

No Z-Caliber, owning this will make you

the king of a local White Castle.

RYE

So, like a manager or as an owner?

The aisles are filled with a booming silence. I can see his eyes dull as he dives deep into his mind as he tries to find an answer. He opens his mouth to respond but then shuts it quickly as either he doesn't know or knowing would worsen things.

RYE

I don't like the silence.

The items rotate around him in the air. I don't know how he can keep an eye on all of them. They move so fast that I can't make anything out. In one fluid motion, he puts his hand in the floating ring and pulls something out. I know I would have lost my hand if that was me.

Kurt holds a silver goblet. Embedded on the sides are emeralds and a one hundred percent engraved on the side. Kurt floats down to me and with his salesmen, grin and speaks.

KURT

Okay then, how about this one?

It's the Wholly Grail. Now, I don't mean heavenly body holy;

I mean as it makes things whole.

This chalice will never run out of the water

and will fill whatever hole you have.

RYE

Like it fills it with water?

KURT

Technically.

RYE

Okay, then what's uhh...

I looked at the shelves and found a cable with a USB C port at the end. I pull it out and wiggle it in front of his face.

RYE

This?

KURT

That's a phone charger.

RYE

Okay, but what can it do? Can it charge

any phone, infinite energy?

KURT

It comes with the European plug,

o you can take it overseas.

I put it back.

KURT

You need to develop your eyes, kid.

Magical items have a glow to them, a particular smell.

RYE

Smell?

KURT

Yup, like fresh-backed croissants in a meadow.

RYE

Okay, cool, I guess, but no. No! I'm done.

Please point me to where you keep the frying pans.

KURT

Like nonmagical ones?

RYE

Yes

KURT

That's aisle 20. You just missed it.

I missed it? I missed it! Why didn't I go there first? Granted, a magical adventure is cool, but this is too much for me. Maybe if I had more energy or woke up in a better mood, I'd be down to do this. Today though? No. I can't handle it.

RYE

This was... life-changing. I can't decide what

I want here, and I am never returning.

So, I'll just head to the next aisle and---

KURT

Uh, about that... You can't.

RYE

I can't?

KURT

No.

RYE

...Watch me.

I turn around and head to where I come from. My chest feels heavy, and my lungs struggle to push a breath out. My muscles grow sore. Every step is heavier than the last. It feels like someone adds five-pound weights to my back every time I breathe.

KURT

Wait! For real, you can't.

Just listen. Lift your shirt.

RYE

My shirt? What perverted mind--

KURT

Stop! Look, you're not my type.

To tall. Just pull it up halfway.

RYE

Ughh... okay. I swear this better not be...

WHAT THE HELL IS ON MY BODY.

My stomach was filled with the glass slugs. Each of them inflates with the blue gas from my body. Kurt has an apologetic grin as he floats closer to me.

KURT

Remember that glass slug on your arm?

By now, they should be all over you.

RYE

Start explaining you... blueberry!

What's going on?

KURT

Simply put, those slugs will suck your soul out

of your body if you take too long to

decide and leave without a purchase.

RYE

So if I take one step out the aisle--

KURT

You die.