Inescapable Escapism

I sunk back onto my bed, a smile on my lips. I was happy. It was a weird sensation. One I wasn’t quite used to. It made me a little uncomfortable, but I liked it. I rolled over, pulling the duvet higher and ignoring the faces staring down at me from the magazines taped to the walls. They still made me uneasy, but it didn’t take away from how good I felt.

Things were just going well for me. In both worlds, life felt like it was going okay. Mostly. It was still difficult to put up with my mom, and she was definitely suspicious of me, but I was happier. I was distracted too, but in a good way. I was learning, focused on studying, and that had consumed so much of my day.

Now, as I lay in bed, trying to sleep, I was exhausted. My mind was drained and sluggish, but still, I couldn’t fall asleep. I wanted to, I was so tired, yet I found myself reaching out for the other world. Things were still happening there. I couldn’t just fall asleep and let time pass there without me experiencing it. I wouldn’t let myself.

“Can you pass the pepper, please?” Scott asked, gesturing towards the pepper mill on the other side of me.

Katie got to it before I could, though, smiling at him as she handed it over. I looked down to hide my grin. It was so clear that she was into him. She’d fallen so hard, even if she wouldn’t admit it yet. She went out of her way to talk to and interact with him. Abbie met my gaze and glanced between the two of them pointedly.

She saw what was going on with them too. She’d brought it up to me when Katie was showering a couple of days ago, saying that she’d seen how Katie looked at him. I’d kind of felt bad, though. Abbie had haltingly asked me how I felt about Scott and if I had any feelings for him. That shocked me. I don’t know why really. It was an understandable question to ask, I guess. I did spend a fair bit of time with him in our extra classes with Rodgers, but he was just a friend.

It hadn’t even occurred to me that they might think I was into him. I thought it was pretty clear how I felt about both him and Seth, but maybe I should have made it more obvious. When Abbie asked me, I’m fully aware that I just stared at her blankly for a while. And then I made a point to mention Scott, and what a good friend he was once Katie was out of the bathroom. Just a friend, nothing more. But I made sure to say that I thought it would be cool if one of my friends were to date him.

Abbie almost choked on her water when I said that. Even as I lay in my bed at my grandparent’s house, I felt a smile come to my lips. It was a silly thing to say, but I was glad that I did. Katie had blushed and looked away. She’d tried to play it cool, agreeing that someone should date Scott because he seemed like a really nice person, but Abbie and I had seen straight through that.

“How was the rest of weapons today?” Seth asked, pulling me back to the present.

I felt my face scrunch up slightly. Seth had missed the second half of the class. A doctor’s appointment or something. That worried me. It was probably nothing, and I knew that, but I couldn’t forget what Rodgers had told us. They already knew that some people were staying, which might have meant they already knew that some people weren’t. What if they weren’t sure about Seth? What if he wasn’t allowed to stay?

Sadness shot through me, accompanied by guilt. I wanted Seth to stay. I liked him a lot, but it felt wrong. I knew that Duncan and I weren’t exactly dating, but we had a date planned. Flirting with someone or being into them, even if it was in another world, felt a little like cheating. Every time I talked to Seth, I felt conflicted. It hovered at the back of my mind, making me feel bad.

But maybe I shouldn’t have. It was another world, nothing more than a fantasy, kind of. I could do whatever I wanted there, and it didn’t have any bearing on reality or what I was doing there. Plus, Seth was really nice to me. I liked talking to him and spending time with him. He reminded me a lot of Duncan, which made me feel simultaneously better and worse.

I felt my mouth open to reply, but I couldn’t stay there. I didn’t want to. Vague dizziness washed over me as I pulled back, returning to my bed. I stared at the dark ceiling blankly, trying to work out what to do. Waiting seemed like the best option. I was almost finished with my dinner, so I could just stay out of that world until it was done, and I went upstairs with Abbie and Katie. I wouldn’t need to deal with Seth or how I felt about him or anything. That would be easier.

A sigh slipped out of my mouth as I rolled over. What could I do until then, though? I started to reach for my phone before stopping myself. I had countless apps on it that I could go through to distract myself until I felt comfortable returning to the other world, but I just didn’t really want to. My mind was too tired. I knew that I’d just be scrolling through them without taking anything in, which would be a waste. There was no point in doing it when I’d just have to repeat the lessons when I was more awake.

But then… what? I couldn’t just lie there and do nothing. That was so boring. It had been minutes, less than that probably, and I could already feel my mind rebelling. The thought of spending any longer just lying in silence with nothing to distract myself felt unbearable. But I wasn’t necessary. I didn’t have to just wait. There were other worlds out there. Fun ones that I could dip into for just a little without ever having to think about them again.

Fear nudged at my heart, and my mind recoiled. There were countless worlds, but some of them were terrifying. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to go back to a world where I’d be killed or worse. I wanted something… fun. Something calmer than the others. Similar to the spy world but more… fantastical. Short though. I didn’t want anything I’d need to keep track of or return to.

With that thought, a wave of dizziness lurched out towards me, the sensation entirely different from any I’d felt before. My lips pulled up into a smile as I dove into it. Vertigo rocked me, and I shut my eyes, waiting for the nausea to subside. My body felt strange. I was oddly detached from it as I lay there, but the world gradually became more real until I could feel the clothes on my body and something hard under me.

I opened my eyes. Darkness. I was surrounded by darkness. For a moment, I thought I was back in reality, but then I looked around. I couldn’t see anything, not even the light creeping in under the door, but then I realised I wasn’t in bed. I was lying down, but it wasn’t a bed.

Starting to move my arms experimentally, I felt fabric slip off them. It was a strange sensation. Despite having long sleeves, I could still feel the material. It felt almost like water or something. But it wasn’t water, I realised as my hand brushed against it again. Silk. I was surrounded by silk. No, it was more than that. I was locked in a box of silk chemises.

Panic hitched in my chest, and I started to thrash. I couldn’t remember why I’d been hidden in there, but there was no escape. I couldn’t grab onto anything or get any purchase. The clothes were too slippery. It made it impossible. It was like I was sinking into quicksand, unable to free myself and destined to stay trapped forever. Or until we reached our location, and then they’d open the box and find me.

That thought made me struggle even more. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let that happen. But, at the same time, I felt myself pull back slightly. I’d wanted a world that was fun and free from panic, but that was not what I had found. Maybe it would be better if I just went home. I could lie in bed and wait until I was finished eating in the other world. Twenty minutes or so of doing nothing couldn’t be that bad.

My flailing hand brushed against a rope, and hope leapt within me. I reached out for it again, my fingers closing around it that time. That was better. I could use it to pull myself out of the silk. I’d no longer be sinking and could get to the edge of the box. But then what. I couldn’t remember why I was there, those memories hadn’t appeared yet, but I knew that was what I had to do.

Heaving my body upwards using the rope, I looked around. The thinnest slither of light was sneaking into the box near the top corner. I tried to focus on it, but there wasn’t enough illumination. All I could see was a tiny hint of brightness. But that was enough. That was my target. I used the rope attached to the lid to pull myself closer to the square of light, unsure what to do next, but my body took over. I reached out tentatively towards it, my fingertips barely brushing against it.

A soft metallic brushing noise sounded before the box was flooded with light. I cringed away from it, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to protect myself from the dazzling brightness that seared my brain. But I couldn’t hesitate for too long. I reached for the edge of the hole and hauled myself out.

It wasn’t graceful. I flopped onto the cold rubber floor hard, silk chemises sliding out with me, before rolling to my feet. I was crouched, waiting and listening carefully to make sure that no one had heard me. But there was no noise. Nothing other than the soft humming that filled the air. Good. I was safe.

I edged towards the box again, quickly jamming the clothes back in before swinging the flap shut again. The wood seemed to melt back together, sealing perfectly. A tiny trill of fear shot through me. I had just gotten rid of my one hiding space. Now, I only had one option. I wasn’t quite sure what that was, exactly. I just knew that there was one. But it didn’t matter. I had other things to focus on.

My eyes roamed the darkened room that I was in rapidly, searching for anyone hidden in the shadows, but I was alone. It looked like a cargo hold, not that I’d ever seen one before. There were rows of giant boxes, just like the one I had been smuggled aboard in. Other than that, I had no clue where I was. The room was swaying slightly, I realised. That feeling was familiar. It felt like I was on a boat.

Was I back in Mitch’s world? I couldn’t be. I’d wanted a new world, not the one I was trying to avoid. I started to pull out of the world, searching the dizzinesses that hovered at the edge of my mind. Ah, that one was still there. I didn’t even need to touch it to know that it was Mitch’s. So the world I was in wasn’t the same. But then, where was I?

On the other side of the hold, I could see a window. A small circular spot of light. I started to pad towards it, staying low to remain out of sight, before stopping. What was I wearing? I looked down, my eyes widening in shock. The dress I was wearing was low cut and… I was pretty sure I had a corset on. I’d never worn one before, obviously, but I could feel the tightness of it pressed against my skin. The bones were digging in ever so slightly, making it harder for me to bend. Long sleeves too, of course. The fabric was white and flowing but tight around my wrists before flaring out slightly.

And the skirt, I realised, was huge. It probably wasn’t that big, but it was much more than I was used to wearing in either worlds. There were so many layers, making the skirt fuller but heavy. I shook my head. I didn’t have time to worry about what I was wearing. I needed to get to the window and work out where I was.

I took another step forwards, silently whispering a thanks to whoever had ensured I was in flats and not heels. My fingers trailed against the boxes as I passed them, the sensation making my skin tingle. At first, I barely even noticed it, but after a few boxes, I stopped and looked down at my fingertips.

They looked normal enough. I hadn’t really spent that much time analysing my fingerprints in either world, so I wasn’t sure if there was anything unusual about them. There was the slightest dip in the centre of each one, but that could have been how they always looked here. It didn’t matter, I reminded myself, continuing to move towards the window.

Finally, I reached it. Stretching up on my tiptoes, I peered out. My mind turned blank. For a moment, not a single thought came to me, but then I was hit with shock. There were clouds. That was all I could see. An endless expanse of clouds floating just below us. Was I on a plane, then? But I couldn’t hear the engine. There was just the same faint buzz that I’d heard before, and that wasn’t loud enough for an airplane.

Unless I had stumbled into a really advanced world? Maybe in that world, they had planes that were almost silent. Maybe that was the norm. It would make sense. I wasn’t particularly surprised. Part of me was, of course, but I’d already turned away from the window and had begun examining the boxes.

I was looking for something but not finding it. Frustration washed through me. I didn’t have time to walk along each of the boxes and search them for information. I needed… My eyes roamed the hold before landing on the heavy metal door built into the far wall. There was another round window on it, but that wasn’t what I cared about. It was the stack of papers tucked into the metal holder on the back of the door that held my attention.

The cargo manifest would be there. That was what I needed. I started to sneak toward it, watching the window carefully. If anyone saw me before I had a chance to look through it, that would make things difficult. I needed to be sure before I acted. If the cargo was wrong… it would be an issue. One I wasn’t willing to deal with.

After what felt like an eternity, I reached the door. There was no movement from outside, which felt wrong. Why wasn’t there anyone guarding the cargo? I was probably right, then. This was the correct route; the cargo was worthless. Every other route was dummy cargo. We’d watched for ages to work that out, but I was almost certain that we had timed it right.

My hands closed around the thick stack of papers, pulling them free before rushing back to the safety of the boxes. There, shielded from view through the windows, I started to pour over the papers. They were written in a ridiculous flowing handwriting, essentially calligraphy, but that didn’t surprise me. It made too much sense.

A growl of frustration almost slipped out of my lips as I read. The information there wasn’t enough. It was meaningless to me, but part of me understood it, causing a deep feeling of disappointment to settle over me. I thought they’d be sloppier. I expected them to be less careful, which meant I needed to change my plan. It was too much of a risk.

Five minutes. That’s all I needed, which meant I had two options. Open a box, potentially alerting people to my presence and making them extremely aware of what I was doing, not that I actually knew what I was doing yet. Or, the second option. Make them aware of my presence and control the situation, giving my people the chance to confirm the information. I didn’t have a communique on me, though. That was too much of a risk. They were too big and bulky, too easily spotted. My people would be able to get the results to me somehow, though; I knew that. If they acted, I’d know what they had found. If not, I knew what to do.

The second option was better. If I opened a box and confirmed the content, it would be a struggle to pass the information to my people without hitting the emergency alerter. That would be stupid. They would spot the signal leaving their ship, and then what? I wouldn’t be able to slip out. Not that I’d be slipping out if I went for the second option either. But I’d get to speak to him. Confirm that he was who we thought he was.

I peeked over the box at the door again, and a smile came to my face. My decision was made. I rushed towards the door, slipping the papers back into place. They looked perfect. No one would even know I’d looked through it. I was good at this. Too good at this. And my timing had been wonderful. A shadow passed over the window just in time. I reached for the handle, rearranging my expression into one of timidness and fear just in time.

The heavy door swung open with a creak, and the person walking past jumped in shock.

“Oh,” I gasped, stumbling backwards in an act of terror.

“What the flip are you doing here?” the woman barked at me.

I continued backing away, ensuring that I looked scared, as I scanned her carefully. Dark trousers, new, not worn yet. Leather harness on her thigh looked more worn, though. Same with the knife tucked into it. No gun, good. A sword on her hip, though. Big ruby on the butt. White buttoned shirt, dark coat. Matched the colour and fabric of the trousers. That checked out. They were new, evidenced by the tube in their nose too. They’d joined the crew for money, not for any sense of morality or family.

I could use that.

She stepped forwards towards me as I reached the box behind me. Her expression almost made me laugh. She was glaring too much, trying too hard to come across as scary. Of course, I had to play along. Had to make it seem like I was terrified of her.

“I stowed away!” I yelped as the woman reached for her knife.

Not sword. Stupid move. She’d need to get closer to me to be able to use it, and I could disarm her before that. But it was all about appearances; I knew that. A knife is scarier than a sword.

“Which port did you get on the ship?” she demanded.

“Verander!”

The woman’s eyes flicked up and down as she scanned my clothing before snorting.

“Why? Why did you hide down here?”

“I want to join the crew!” I lied. “I heard there’s no way to join properly, so… so I snuck on board!”

“So you snuck into the hold?” the woman asked, her tone making it clear she doubted me. “Why? Why not somewhere else?”

“It was open!”

Another lie. I mean, it was open, but it was also guarded. The pirates on this ship might have been bought, but they were pretty good at what they did. Not good enough for my crew, though. No one was.

The woman’s eyes narrowed. It was clear she didn’t fully believe me, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t need her to believe me; I just needed to stall for long enough that my crew decoded the information I’d transmitted to them from the sensors in my fingertips. It was working.

I suppressed the urge to smile as I cowered back before realising what I’d just thought. I had sensors in my fingertips? Since when? And they’d transmitted something to my crew? I had a crew? What was going on? The urge to examine my fingers and search them for signs of the sensors was so strong, but I pushed it aside. There was no need for me to look at them; I could remember them being implanted.

A man smiled at me from behind a mask, the corner of his eyes crinkling and his bald head glinting in the light as he leaned forwards over my hands. The skin had been peeled back, and wires ran along the lengths of my fingers. It was beautifully done. They mingled with my nerves and veins perfectly, becoming almost invisible.

“That sounds like something a spy would say,” the woman said accusatorially as her grip tightened on her knife.

She was going to pounce. Her body was tightening slightly, her muscles preparing for a fight.

“I’m not a spy,” I cried, trying to sound panicked.

“Exactly what a spy would say!”

The woman started to leap forward, lifting her knife.

“I demand an audience with your captain!”