Inescapable Escapism

It felt like the water around me in real life turned cold. I could feel my body still moving in the pool but a shudder ripped through me. I didn’t understand what he meant. Why would I not be able to hear them? They were so close.

“What do you mean? Of course, I can. You lot were really loud tonight,” I told him. “What’s even going on out here? A party or something?”

Aaron looked away from me but not before I saw pain cross his expression. Another laugh echoed across the water from somewhere nearby and I turned to look at it. Aaron didn’t move though.

“They’re not here,” he said, his voice little more than a whisper.

Confusion washed through me. I didn’t get what he meant. I could hear them, of course they were there.

“Where are they then? Are they further along? I can’t see anything through this fog.”

It felt dangerous to be out in the fog. I could only see a few steps in front of me, surely someone could slip and fall into the water without even seeing it.

The fog was creeping towards us across the lake, thin fingers reaching out and settling on my skin. I could feel it like it was a physical entity. It wrapped around my robe-covered shoulders, pulling me downwards like a heavy duvet, but it wasn’t cold or anything. It was strangely warm and comforting. It made me want to sleep even as goosebumps crept along my skin.

“You need to leave, Beth. It’s not too late, you can go,” he begged, turning to me and staring at me desperately.

Irritation flared within me. Not only had he and his friends kept me awake for the entire evening but now he was calling me by the wrong name and trying to make me leave. He didn’t want me there. He didn’t want me to spend time with him and his friends and he didn’t even bother using my real name. Somehow that was irritating me more than anything else.

“That’s not my name. Why do you keep calling me that?” I demanded.

His shoulders sagged in clear relief which only confused me more.

“Of course not,” he breathed. “You’re Grace. You should go, Grace.”

I felt my eyebrows pull together as concern started to mix with my confusion.

“Why do you keep calling me that?” I asked before hesitating. “Are you okay?”

He looked genuinely relieved that I didn't answer to the name Beth. He knew my real name too, he had corrected himself immediately. There had to be more to it than a simple mistake. Was it something mental health related? Was he having a hallucination or something? I couldn’t leave him near the lake if he was, he could get confused and fall in and drown or something.

Another laugh reached through the fog towards us and a chill stroked my spine possessively. There was something wrong with that laugh. It sounded… wrong. I wasn’t sure how but it did. It was too high pitched, shrill almost. The person laughing sounded panicked.

Aaron laced his hands into his hair, his eyes squeezed shut as he pulled his head down into himself. His knuckles were almost as white as the fog around us as he forced his palms against his ears. It must have been hurting him, how tightly he was squeezing but he didn’t move.

“You need to leave,” he begged me.

I couldn’t though. Fear had started to build within me and I looked around.

Fog had gathered behind us. It was a dense wall that blocked the diner and car park from sight. I couldn’t see anything through it. It muffled the sound, I couldn’t even hear the ever-present hum of the generators. You could always hear that outside the diner, they were always running.

Something was very, very wrong.

“Aaron,” I asked, turning towards him. “What’s going on? Where is everyone?”

A shout split the air and all laughter stopped suddenly.

I sat up straight, staring in the direction of the noise but I couldn’t see anything. My eyes searched the wall of fog but there was no movement. There was nothing, I couldn’t see them.

“We need to help them,” I said, looking at Aaron.

He didn’t move. His hands were clutching his ears, his eyes clenched shut. He wasn’t listening to me.

But I needed his help. If something was going on, whatever it was, it would be better if I had someone else to help me deal with it. He was bigger and stronger than me too, he’d be useful.

Unless he was involved somehow.

No, I couldn’t think like that and I couldn’t let us hesitate any longer. I grabbed the arm that was closest to me and began trying to pull it away from his ear.

“Aaron,” I cried as I struggled against him. “We need to help.”

He fought against my attempts, trying not to listen to me, but eventually, he gave up. He let me pull his hand away and the other one fell to his lap limply. He opened his eyes, staring across the dark water with an entirely blank expression.

“We can’t,” he said in a hoarse tone. “It’s too late.”

He turned to look at me slowly and I gasped, releasing my grip on his arm. I couldn’t do anything but stare into his eyes, unable to look away as I started to shuffle backwards away from him as far as the small pier would let me. My hand hit the edge and I clutched it.

His eyes, previously so bright and handsome, had been completely overtaken by an inky black that reflected my own horrified face back at me.

“What’s happening?” I whispered. “What have you done?”

I don’t know where the question came from but it was very clear that he was involved. I wasn’t sure how but he had to be.

“I didn’t do anything,” he said, his voice cracking and barely able to spit the words out. “That’s the problem. I didn’t do enough.”

A scream tore across the lake, the noise blood-curdling and full of fear.

I looked in that direction before looking back at Aaron. He wasn’t making any sense but I needed to act.

“We have to do something,” I told him as I stood quickly and peered across the water, being careful not to fully turn my back on him as I searched for the source of the scream, just in case.

“It’s too late,” Aaron whispered, causing me to look at him as tears spilt down his cheeks and his gaze settled on something in the distance. “She’s already dead.”

My head whipped around again and I looked for the thing that he was staring at. The fog had finally cleared just enough to reveal a churning shape in the middle of the lake. I stared at it, unable to move as a trembling started in my hands.

“Help!” the girl in the middle of the seething water screamed and I finally caught sight of a blonde head above the water for just a moment before it slipped under again.

I didn’t hesitate. Not that time. I threw myself forwards without even thinking, diving towards the barely visible girl in the centre of the lake.

I just had to help her.

“No!” I heard Aaron scream from behind me but it was too late.

I had already hit the water. It was so cold, too cold. It stole the air from my lungs and immediately sapped the strength from my muscled but I kicked hard, dragging myself towards the drowning girl.

The water clung to my limbs, as thick as porridge, refusing to let me cut through. I was a good swimmer, even in this world. It shouldn’t have been so hard but still, I fought on. In both worlds, I pushed myself to swim harder, to move towards the girl. The splashing of my frantic strokes was barely audible over the girl’s screams which seemed to echo inside my brain.

I needed to get to her. I was consumed by the need to keep her alive. It forced me to keep swimming. I couldn’t just let her die, I refused to allow that to happen. But the water was thick, too thick. It drained my strength and pulled at my robe, which I really should have taken off before I jumped into the water, trying to pull me into its murky depths.

The other girl was struggling too. Her strength was failing her, I could tell. Her struggles were less energetic, her shouts more gurgling. She was drowning and I was still so far away. It felt like I hadn’t gotten any closer. I wasn’t sure how long I had been swimming but I should have reached her by now.

My body was exhausted. I was sleep deprived, exhausted and drained. Even just staying afloat was causing me too much energy but I had to keep trying. I forced myself to stare at the struggling girl, whose head was thrashing around much slower, ignoring the water that splashed at my face and stung my eyes.

“Grace!” a voice shouted from behind me but I barely even heard it.

I needed to reach her. I needed to save her. I had to. But I was so tired.

“Please! Come back,” that same voice pleaded.

It was familiar but it felt like I hadn’t heard it in a longer time.

It didn’t matter. I just needed to reach the drowning girl before it was too late.

Finally, I got to her, my eyelids dropping with exhaustion. I reached out, ready to wrap my arms around her and help keep her head above the water, but my hands slipped through the girl and I fell forwards.

Icy water slapped my face and clung to me hard, briefly waking me up. I didn’t understand. I should have been able to touch her.

I tried again but nothing happened. My hands slid through her and she didn’t even react.

“Hey!” I tried to shout but it came out as more of a whisper.

She still didn’t react. It was like she couldn’t see or hear me but I was so close to her. Why didn’t she hear me?

Finally, another noise reached through the fog towards me. More splashing. I looked up, my eyes falling on someone who was swimming towards us frantically. They were moving too much for me to see who there were or to recognise any of their features so I looked away, staring back at the flailing girl. She was moving so much, she should have hit me but nothing was happening. I couldn’t feel anything other than the faint touch of water against my skin, coaxing me towards the depths.

“Beth!” the person swimming towards us screamed.

That was the voice I had heard before, the one that I almost recognised, but it was too late.

The girl had almost completely stopped struggling. She was barely moving. I hadn’t saved her.

“Beth!” he screamed again. “Beth, please!”

He was close enough that I could see his face as he stared in horror at the drowning girl who I could not save. His brown hair was short, plastered to his face, and water dripped from his sharp jaw into the lake. His pupils were huge, almost taking over his entire iris.

I knew him.

“Why aren’t you helping?” he demanded as he wrestled with Beth desperately, trying to pull her into his arms and get her head above water.

Her head lulled back, her blonde hair clinging to her face like seaweed. She was motionless and so was I. My hands moved every so often, just enough to keep me afloat.

The boy looked terrified but something in me was soothed by his presence. It felt wrong, I should’ve been more scared.

“Why are you just watching? Help me get her to the shore!” he screamed.

I jolted. He was talking to me, I realised far too slowly.

I started to paddle clumsily towards him, my arms sluggish and barely even moving. Water hit my face again and I cringed back from it, trying to avoid the coldness. It didn’t work. I bobbed lower into the water, having to spit it out when I came up again.

The voice tore through the air again.

“Grace!” it screamed this time but I was still looking at the boy.

His lips hadn’t moved and the sound had come from behind me.

I tried to turn around, my eyes closing heavily to stop water from getting in them as I dipped under the surface again. My eyes didn’t want to open when I found my way up again. I had to force them to do so, with great difficulty.

Aaron swam towards me, his expression filled with pain and fear, but he was still so far away.

“Why did I come back?” I heard someone whisper and I turned again.

The boy who held Beth was staring at Aaron, horror etched into his face.

Realisation slowly dripped into my mind. He was Aaron. The boy who clutched Beth was Aaron. He was younger, it was years ago. Before whatever had happened that made him so closed off, so reluctant to talk to others.

“You shouldn’t have come,” he said but I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or the older Aaron who was paddling desperately towards me.

I could hear him still. He was too far away and he didn’t seem to be getting any closer. The younger Aaron stared at him for a moment before his eyes found my face again.

They searched my expression, grief clouding his features.

“Why did you come?” he asked, the words dripping with heartbreak. “Don’t you know you always die here?”

He was talking to me.

My mouth dropped open and washed rushed in. I gulped, my throat spasming to try and expel the water but it couldn’t do enough. I tried to speak, I tried to cough, but nothing worked.

Razor-sharp fear speared my mind as I stared at the younger Aaron. He stared straight back at me as he struggled to keep Beth in his arms. The movements made her head lull back, the hair falling from her face and revealing her features.

My eyes roamed her face slowly, the movement weary. There was something about her that looked familiar but it hurt to look at her for too long. Everything in me screamed to look away, my eyes begged to shut, but I wouldn’t let them. It took every ounce of the fight I had left within me to keep staring at her.

“Beth!” a scream sounded again but I wasn’t sure where it came from.

“Grace!” they shouted again.

My eyes found the younger Aaron again but his face swam in and out of focus.

“Please,” he begged softly. “Please fight.”

I didn’t understand what he meant though. Why would I fight? What could I fight? Why would I even want to fight when I could just sleep? It seemed so tempting. The water was lovely and warm. It caressed my face gently and hugged me tightly. I never wanted it to let go.

“Please!” he wept, tears falling down his face and mixing with the water. “You have to! Please, this can’t happen again. I need it to stop.”

He broke off with a sob, unable to continue, but it didn’t matter anymore. Clarity had found me.

My eyes slowly returned to Beth’s face and suddenly, it all made sense. I understood my Aaron had looked at me weirdly, why he had called me the wrong name and looked so scared of me.

Beth was me. I was the drowned girl.

The water pulled at me once more and I slipped under the surface. I didn’t have time to take a breath before being dragged down. My lungs filled with water but I couldn’t keep fighting. I was still reeling from the realisation, my mind was too foggy to connect it any quicker.

A burst of strength exploded in me and I tried to kick my way back to the surface, I tried to struggle towards the early morning light which shone weakly through the black water, but I couldn’t. Pain seized my chest, crushing it and making tears gather in my eyes but they were immediately washed away by the uncaring water.

Just moments ago, it had been comforting, enticing, but now it was cold. It didn’t care about the fear that ignited in me at the sudden realisation that I was drowning and that there was nothing I could do. It wanted me to suffer.

I kicked, trying to fight my way back to the surface but my vision was fading. I could barely see which way to go.

It was too late. I was dying too.

A hand closed around my upper arm, the movement jolting me and making my eyes open again, if only briefly. I was dragged upwards, the water fighting against whoever held me. It wanted to keep me and refused to let go of me so easily but it didn’t even matter.

It had already won.

“Grace,” a voice shouted in my ear the moment I was above the surface.

Pain ricocheted through my brain, making it feel like a match had been lit within my head, as an arm wrapped around my chest. My face was above the water again, the light burning my retinas, even through my closed eyelids. I had no control over my body. It flopped about as the person tried to swim and keep hold of me.

I had to breathe, I knew that. My chest was so tight and pain pulsed within me with every slow beat of my heart. I tried. I tried to breathe but nothing happened. It was too late.

Panic surged within me and I tried to open my eyes once more but all I could see were flashes of things. Faces, mine and Aarons, over the years, swam across my sight but I wasn’t sure if I was truly seeing them or if my brain was making things up.

We looked different, in each of the flashes. We aged, became more hagged and heartbroken, or got younger. Sometimes, mine or Aaron’s hair changed colour but one thing remained throughout. I was dying or dead in all of them. Sometimes it was clear that Aaron had given up too. He stood on the pier, which I could see in the distance all around me, his head in his hands and his eyes screwed shut. Sometimes he was in the water with me, his body floating motionless.

I always died, he always lived.

No matter what happened, he always came back.

“You shouldn’t have come,” I heard one of the Aaron’s sob but I wasn’t sure who he was talking to.

Dizziness stabbed at me painfully as I was pulled backwards in jolting movements. I tried to open my eyes but my vision was blurry. I couldn’t see the younger Aaron anymore. I couldn’t see the fog, the lake or anything. No matter how many times I let my eyes close and forced them to open just a little, I couldn’t see.

And it was fading. It was getting darker and darker. Fear and pain stayed with me though. I wanted to sob, I wanted to cry out, to fight, but I couldn’t.

I always thought that drowning was meant to be peaceful, painless. I’m not sure where I heard that but I was sure that someone had told me.

How wrong I was.

Drowning wasn’t painless, I was wracked with agony. It clawed at me, setting my nerves on fire and making my body want to thrash but I couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy, I could barely move.

There was no escape. I was dying.