Inescapable Escapism

I started to climb into the pool quickly, feeling the water lap at my body. It was cold but nowhere near as cold as it had been the other day. It was almost warm. Not quite but almost. That surprised me. I knew that the pool had a heater but my grandparents refused to turn it on, claiming that they never had a heated pool when they were younger and they turned out fine so I didn't need one either. I always forgot to turn it on myself but it was definitely warmer than before. Did that mean that my mom had turned it on?

That didn’t sound right but the thought made me feel a confusing mix of emotions. If she did, that meant that she’d actually thought about me and my comfort which didn’t feel normal. Maybe she’d done it to prove a point or something so that, later, she could tell me that I didn’t see just how much she did for me or something. Or maybe she realised that her parents never turned it on for her and she wanted to be better than them.

That had motivated her to do stuff like that before. I wasn’t sure what it was but I was glad, I think. I was also worried about what it might mean or how she might act later and torn between whether or not I should thank her. I mean, if I did and her reasoning was to be better than her parents, it would be a bad thing.

She would get annoyed and think that I was saying that she never normally did something like that for me or thought of me which therefore meant that I was calling her a bad mom. I wasn’t, obviously, but her mind jumped there a lot and quickly. But then if she’d done it to prove a point to me about how great a mom she was, she’d be annoyed if I didn’t thank her. There was no winning.

I’d play it by ear, I decided. See what happens and go from there. That would be the best thing to do. The only thing to do really.

Irritation flared through me, followed by confusion. It had come out of nowhere. I wasn’t annoyed at my mom, that’s how she acted normally. I was used to it. But then, why was I annoyed? I ignored it, pushing it aside as I climbed further into the pool, already reaching for the usual dizziness.

It sucked me in quickly and, in a blink, I was on the bus, staring at a screen. My jaw was moving and it took me just a second to realise that I was eating still. I hadn’t been out of the fantasy for long so I still had half of the vegetable lasagne on my tray. It was good. The tomato sauce was rich and filled with vegetables, the white sauce creamy and delicious and the pasta sheets were cooked to perfection.

Everything tasted better now that I knew I’d be able to go outside soon. I felt less trapped, even though I knew that the door to my room was locked. I was literally locked in but it felt like there was an end. Freedom was almost within reach.

My eyes finished scanning the screen in front of me and I clicked onto the next page as knowledge flooded my mind. I had been learning about tech within the intelligence industry but I hadn’t gotten far into the lesson. So far, I hadn’t learnt much more than that it would control basically every aspect of my life whilst I’m on assignments or in the field.

We had software, specially designed for the Academy, that we used to report pretty much everything back to them. And, in all fairness to them, it was pretty cool. It was designed to look like a game. It basically was a game really but, with it, we could report what we’d been doing, where we had been, people that we’d seen and anything suspicious that was worth noting.

It was a life simulator game. We could make our avatars look like us, or not if we wanted, and we could just live out our day, skipping through things when necessary, and adding in other characters, clicking specific and subtle buttons to flag certain things as worrying or noteworthy so that the GSOD could get reports of everything that was going on with us, without it looking suspicious. I mean, most kids like to play games on their phones and there were so many simulator games out there that it didn’t raise any red flags or seem weird that we would have it. Apparently, other kids, ones who weren’t even spies like us, used it too.

It was brilliant.

We could contact the GSOD using other methods too, obviously. There were emergency phone numbers which we’d apparently have to memorise as part of our training, websites we could go on, numbers to text, basically everything. That made me feel a bit better. There were so many systems in place to keep us safe.

Another flare of irritation washed through me making me pause, my fork hovering in the air before my mouth. Why was I getting annoyed? There was nothing in that world that was irritating me. I was even enjoying learning about the game and tech but I was irritated.

Maybe it was because I was still stuck inside? Maybe I just thought I was feeling better but I wasn’t in reality? I mentally swatted at that emotion, pushing it aside and trying to focus on the screen before me. A video waited for me to press play and I did so, finally eating the forkful of lasagne.

The video started and I felt my interest levels rise as I stared at a loading screen for the app.

“The information gathered by the LSA, or life simulation app, is relayed to those inside the GSOD,” a pleasant male voiceover told me. “Here, you can see an example of how this looks to a GSOD officer.”

The image changed and the screen split in half. On one side, it still showed the app but now, it had finished loading. The avatar of a teenage girl, the face a little bit fake and terrifying looking, lounged on the bed, her phone out and in her hand. As I watched, she stood up, stretched and walked out of her room. She reached the front door of her house before a menu popped up, asking her where she wanted to go.

“Periodically, but also specifically before each assignment, the app is updated so it is a continuous process for all and therefore, it does not arise as much suspicion. Before each mission, certain areas are unlocked or created. For the person in the example, they are stationed in London. As it is a common destination, it has already been created and, as you can see, they have chosen to go to Hyde Park, near the Lancaster Gate underground station,” the voiceover told me as the screen changed.

On the right side of the screen, which had previously been mostly blank, data started to come in. The person’s name appeared in the top corner, their current location and the location they’d chosen beneath that. In the other corner, it showed something which the screen informed me was the mission or assignment code.

The side showing the game loaded, placing the person outside the tube station. They started walking along the street, crossing the road and coming to a black metal gate before long. Some options appeared on the screen and they chose to enter the park.

“Before they started the day in the game, they were asked to set the time. Using this and footage from the security cameras that we have access to, we are able to estimate how busy the park was at the time they entered it as well as the weather. This makes it slightly more realistic for the officer playing the game but also easier for us to understand the exact situation that they are in.”

I watched, ignoring the faint flicker of irritation, as the person chose to have their avatar walk slowly into the park. The pace was painful and it was horrifically busy. People pushed past them, dressed in thin summer dresses and shorts, but they kept their pace casual and slow. Too slow.

I fought to keep myself from poking the screen and trying to find a way to fast forwards or speed them up. I knew that it would make me seem impatient, which I was, but I didn’t want them to know that. I had a horrible feeling that someone was watching me and monitoring my progress. It would probably be noted down if I did skip past anything and I could only assume that it would be seen as a bad thing.

I gripped my cutlery harder, the edges cutting into my hands, and took another bite of my food. I tried to pay more attention to it as I ate, hoping that it would distract me enough to stop me from feeling so agitated but it didn’t.

I couldn’t help the irritated groan that forced its way out of my lips as the person joined the queue for a drink. Thankfully, however, the game gave them the option to skip through it, asking how long they had spent waiting and they did. The in-game time changed too, which was noted on the data screen.

Finally, they were walking again but their pace was still too slow. It was painful, unbearable. Another wave of annoyance washed through me but, this time, I was pulled into another world.

I rolled over, irritation forcing a growl out through my gritted teeth as I stared at my clock in the dark. The red glowing numbers told me that it was almost five in the morning but I could still hear them outside. Laughters, voices and shouts kept finding their way up to me even though I had the window shut.

It had been happening ever since I had gotten into bed and it took me a minute to realise that it was probably why I had been so annoyed in the other worlds. It had been seeping through, infecting me and souring my mood.

That thought made surprise break through my irritation for just a moment but it was quickly replaced with annoyance as another shriek found my ears. I rolled over again, huffing loudly, as if that would help. I couldn’t help it. I had work in just a few hours and I was planning on getting up early to shower. I needed to get some sleep but it seemed unlikely that it would ever happen because the people outside were still being so horrifically loud. It sounded like they were right below my window but I’d opened it, like, an hour ago and peered out. It was too foggy, even though the sun was just starting to rise. I couldn’t see them but I assumed that they were still in the lake because I could hear splashing sporadically.

“Aaron!” I heard the girl scream.

She sounded happy and not even drunk. That would have made the noise easier to deal with. Well, not easier but I would have understood it more. I mean, if they were drinking then at least I could blame whatever they were doing and how annoying they were being on that but without it, they had no excuse.

I clenched my hands into fists as laughter found its way into my room once more. It was getting to be ridiculous. Well, no. It was ridiculous an hour ago. Now, it was unacceptable. I mean, I had my window shut, my phone playing an episode of some old show that I’d watched a million times, and yet I could still hear them as clearly as if they were in my room with me. There was literally nothing more that I could do and that made me want to storm out of my apartment, find the group outside in the fog and shout at them until they shut up. I knew that it was an impulsive thought and a bad idea but I wanted to do it so badly.

Aaron was there though. I knew that he was and that was one of the things that was stopping me. I mean, I wasn’t sure how I felt about him but I knew that he probably wouldn’t love it if I went outside and shouted at him and his friends.

No, that felt stupid. They were being ridiculous. I couldn’t just let them get away with keeping me up all night just because there was something about Aaron that was so…

I didn’t even know how to finish that thought. I wasn't sure what it was about Aaron that made me keep thinking about him. He was cute, sure, but I needed to put that out of my mind. I mean, something had happened with Freddy that evening. I was into him. I needed to push all thoughts of Aaron out of my mind because clearly nothing was going to happen with him anyway.

But, I still did want something to happen with him. Kind of. I was drawn to him and I couldn’t help but think that he was the person that I should be with, as ridiculous as that sounded. I mean, I was basically still a kid, I shouldn’t be thinking that kind of stupid thing and yet I was.

I tried to take a deep breath, forcing my body to relax and my hands to unclench. For a moment, a glorious moment, there was no noise other than the episode playing on my phone. I felt some of the tension starting to leave my body as I closed my eyes again. Sleep started to reach out to me, making my mind feel quiet and blissful. A sigh slipped out of my lips and I started to fade out of that world as I fell asleep.

But I should have known that it was too good to be true. A shrill scream tore through the air, ruining my chances of sleeping. I couldn’t help it this time. I’d had enough. I was furious and I desperately needed to sleep.

Why were those people shouting and making so much noise? The lake wasn’t that close to the diner so they must have been being so so loud for it to reach me. That made me so much more annoyed. It was stupid, rude and inconsiderate. They should be better than that.

I continued to fume as I threw my duvet back and started to climb out of bed. I stomped over to my door, tearing the fluffy robe off the back of it and pulling it around me. I didn’t even bother with shoes, despite knowing how horrifically muddy it was outside. I didn’t care. The thought briefly crossed my mind my I shoved it aside. I just wanted to get outside and shout at them as soon as possible.

I didn’t even know what I would say to them. I mean, I barely had any coherent thoughts, it was just anger and frustration. I grabbed my keys from the table by the door and pulled it open, storming down the hallway. The lights turn on as I near them, triggered by my movement and almost blinding me. It added to my anger and I raced down the stairs.

The handle of the front door was cold in my grasp and tendrils of fog reached out towards me from under the door but I barely paid any attention to it as I pulled the door open. Or at least, I tried to. It was stiff and stuck in the frame but I put all of my weight into it.

My bare feet slid across the floor but I managed to get it open and stepped out into the cold. It shouldn’t have been cold. It was the middle of summer, but it wasn’t even five in the morning and I was dressed in nothing more than a robe, a t-shirt and shorts.

I pulled the bathrobe around me tighter, hoping to stave off the cold, and looked around. It was starting to get light out but the sun hadn't managed to burn the fog away just yet. I could only see a metre or so in each direction. I started to edge forwards, my feet sinking into the mud, and looked down. It had covered my entire foot and I knew that I’d made a stupid mistake but then more noise floated towards me through the fog and I narrowed my eyes. They were listening to music. Some stupid song from like four or five years ago. I could still hear their voices over it though.

Suddenly, I didn’t care about the mud or that I couldn’t see anything through the fog, because fury was filling me again and pushing all other thoughts out of my head. I started in the direction of the noise, trying not to fall on the slippery mud. It was hard and a couple of times I almost did but I managed to keep my balance. I was fuelled by anger and that made me not even think about what a stupid decision I was making.

The ground steadily got less muddy as I moved closer to the source of the noise, picking my way across the stones that littered the sparse grass. The voices were so clear, so close, but I still couldn’t see anything. My vision was a white-tinged blur. I could just about see something dark in the distance in front of me. That must be the lake.

It was further away than I expected and that made me nervous. Maybe I was wrong and it was actually closer, I just couldn’t see it. I might walk right into it and make a fool of myself in front of Aaron and all of the other people I was on my way to tell off. That would be so embarrassing.

Gradually, as I got closer to the darker blur, the fog cleared ever so slightly. Confusion washed through me, dimming my anger. I still couldn’t see the group but there was something there just in front of me. My stomach fluttered as I slowed and stared at the thing in front of me.

It looked wrong. I wasn’t sure what it was about the rotting pier in front of me, which was missing several planks and had no sides, but it looked wrong. There was someone sitting on it too. Topless and shrouded in fog, sat Aaron.

His name tumbled from my lips before I could stop it.

“Aaron?”

I waited but he didn’t respond. The noise around me had stopped, I couldn’t hear any music or any voices. I could only hear my own breathing.

I stepped forwards, towards the pier. I really didn’t want to stand on the wooden planks. I didn’t trust that they’d be able to hold my weight at all but Aaron had clearly found his way along it so I could too. He’d been with the group, I’d heard them shouting his name, so I had to tell him how inconsiderate he’d been. He deserved to hear it.

My reasoning was flat and didn’t even feel convincing to me but still, I took a deep breath and edged my foot onto the first plank. The wood felt damp and slick with condensation but it held my weight. I still didn’t trust it though. I moved forwards slowly and carefully until I was standing right behind Aaron.

He didn’t look up. His eyes were fixed on the black lake before us. He stared unblinkingly, seemingly unaware of my presence.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to speak again and break the silence of the world. It felt too fragile. Like, if I were to say a single word, it might shatter into a million pieces. But then I couldn’t just stand behind him until he turned and looked at me. That felt too creepy.

I settled for sinking onto the pier beside him, hugging my knees for warmth.

“What are you doing here?” he snapped, not looking away from the lake.

I wanted to say something, a witty retort or something, but nothing came to mind. A laugh echoed from somewhere further out into the water and my eyes searched for the source but I couldn’t find them through the fog.

“I heard voices. Laughter and music. It was keeping me awake.”

I tried to inject some of the anger I had been feeling into my voice but it came out barely more than a whisper. My anger had dissipated, being carried away by the fog and replaced by the feeling that something was amiss. Something was horrifically wrong but I didn’t know what and I couldn’t move. The only thing I could do was grip my legs tightly.

Aaron finally blinked and looked away from the water, staring at me with pure horror.

“You can hear them too?”