I Reincarnated as a Noble Bastard, So I'm Seducing All the Villainess

Situation Report: I'm drawing a total blank.

I'm trapped in the middle of a confusion that's about to explode, with Philomeu staring at the Orc Ragna with a look so full of hatred that laser beams are practically shooting out, while the other seems to be having fun drinking a mug of mead with a smug smile on her face.

Yes, it makes me want to punch her, because not in a thousand years would I consider a serious relationship with Philomeu, but there's no way in hell I'm getting up and confronting that giant. For me, it's better to just stay quiet, ignore the comment, and let things play out, treating it like any other day.

If it were anyone else, I'd even think about smashing a chair over their back, but we're talking about a woman capable of tossing me out the window like a rag doll. Don't piss off She-Hulk, folks, I know the series was bad, but that doesn't mean the character is small fries!

Leonhardt stands up from his chair. I grab his arm instinctively, begging with my eyes for him not to do anything, and I'm met with a pair of raised eyebrows in doubt. However, the idiot doesn't understand the Morse code signal I'm trying to send him through blinks and takes charge of the situation.

"Excuse me, I believe there's a misunderstanding in what you said..."

"Misunderstanding, Blondie? How can there be a misunderstanding when those two are lovebirds?"

Ugh, I want to vomit just hearing that! How does an Orc have such a fertile imagination to say such an atrocity? Worse still, Philomeu has her nails dug into the wood, ready to rip them out and charge at that woman with her sword drawn.

I'm just a chill guy, why get involved in trouble when all I want is peace and to screw someone on a rainy night? Wait, I know, it's probably the fault of these two, who can't act like normal people and always drag some kind of problem my way!

"Take back what you said" Leonhardt continues, with that classic justice warrior tone. "It's very rude to assume what relationships other people have."

"Oh, really? Hear that, lads, he said it's unseemly to give opinions about others!"

The lackeys laugh in sync. I doubt they genuinely found what she said funny, they're more likely just following the rhythm, pleasing the boss so they don't get punched in the stomach later.

"Listen up, you faggot..." The Orc slowly gets up from the chair. "I can say whatever I want, got it? This city is mine. I take what I want, who I want, when I want. If, for example, I took that man from that lovesick girl, no one would care."

Stop with those comparisons, the volcano about to explode next to me is going to unleash the same fury she showed in the royal palace hall! I saw the whole thing up close, and I don't want a repeat, stop this shit!

Leonhardt sighs and relaxes his shoulders, looking slightly disappointed, but there are notes of anger because of the mention of "taking me". Geez, stop being gay, Leonhardt!

"I understand, then I have no other choice..."

Don't draw that sword, don't draw that sword, don't draw that sword!

"I'll have to report you to the city hall!"

What? Okay, that caught me off guard. Aren't you the hard-headed protagonist who kills anything that gets in your way? Why are you taking such a gentle approach? I even suspect the gayness changed you from the inside out.

The other lackeys laugh, genuinely this time. Leonhardt has no idea he's talking to the city's crime boss, only I know that.

Ragna also seems unable to contain herself and laughs along, with a pig snort in the middle.

"Hahahaha! I can't believe I found someone like this! Alright, I think you're cute, I'll give you a chance to just scram and forget this happened, how about it?"

"No, I still demand that you apologize to them."

"Hmm... if that's the case, how about you beat me in a fight? Win, and I'll apologize. Lose, and you'll become my trophy husband!"

"I accept."

What was that? Wait, you spoke so fast I didn't even understand! Are you telling me Leonhardt just accepted a challenge from this monstrous Orc? Of course this guy is going to win, idiot, he's the protagonist! But now the damage is done, even Philomeu shows a smile on her face, as if she's about to see the Orc dissolving in pain from the combat.

"Alright, alright! Everyone outside, let's see if the little angel here dressed as a warrior of justice can beat the great Ragna!"

The excitement also totally got to the people in the tavern, to the point where everyone was dragged outside, where there's a more open area with sand covering the ground. I, unable to miss the beating this Ragna is about to take, follow along, becoming just another one in the audience of lads watching.

I cross my arms, watching the two of them closely. Leonhardt at least has chainmail armor under all his clothes, and that sword shouldn't be a minor thing either, while the Orc is practically only wearing scant clothing and allowing her muscles to be admired by men more interested in muscular women.

I'm on the fence, I find it attractive, but I don't like it when a girl is pure muscle. Ragna is more or less in that spectrum, she's strong and tall, and doesn't have the square physique of a gym rat.

She props an axe on her back, one that I could swear is my size, and swings it without any difficulty. You can practically see it cutting the air in half with just a simple movement.

"I hope you're prepared, Blondie. I don't go easy on anyone just because they have a pretty face."

"I appreciate the concern, but I would also recommend not underestimating me..."

"Yeah... sure..."

Without any warning, Ragna kicks the sand on the ground, throwing a blast into Leonhardt's face. Like lightning, he drew his sword, cut the sand into two halves, and had his blow parried by the handle of the axe, with Ragna showing an amused smile.

"Well, well, looks like you're not so weak!"

"Please, improve your manners."

Man, what the hell is that? Leonhardt counters with another attack, following up with a series of thrusts too fast for my eyes to follow. The most impressive thing is that the Orc, despite being hefty, manages to keep up with no problem, using the axe head as a shield.

A chill runs down my spine just imagining how I would fare against that giant, seeing as I don't even have enough physique to withstand a punch.

Ragna, in a timely moment, lifts the axe high and slams it down. HOLY SHIT!

It was as if a geyser had opened in the middle of that field, that attack alone made a jet of dirt fly so high it must have reached the stratosphere. Leonhardt still managed to get away unscathed, but I think it would be easy for this guy to lose his head if something like that happened!

That's not even counting the earthquake beneath us, which is shaking so hard that I don't even know if the ground is stable anymore! The Orc started laughing, opening her arms wide and showing the tusks in her mouth like a maniac.

"What is it, Blondie? Scared? Why don't you try one more time, come to Mama!"

She beckons with her finger, and I'm sure that must have enraged Leonhardt, judging by the vein popping out on his forehead and his tongue click. I've never seen this guy so angry, could it be because he didn't win on the first try? If so, then release that inner Ki and destroy this woman!

I don't want to go through the humiliation of being the protagonist's friend and seeing him lose! Wait, friend is too much... acquaintance! That's it, you're my acquaintance, win this!

The hero marches in a straight line, propelling himself while gathering divine power in his sword, which radiates an angelic glow, surprising his opponent, but only for a brief moment. She immediately furrows her brows, as if thinking "this is going to be boring", and swings the axe horizontally.

Leonhardt manages to dodge by jumping backward, the edge of the axe passes straight, and finally he has a chance to land a blow. Go for it, go!

Ragna lifts one of her legs and kicks the hero right in the stomach. Holy hell, how did you get caught by something so basic, damn it?! It was obvious that was going to happen!

He rolls backward like a barrel going down a hill and manages to spin at the last second to regain his balance, getting back on his feet.

Wait, where's Ragna?

An enormous shadow is cast over us. When I lift my head, all I can see is a large silhouette covering the sun... AH, IT'S HER!

Everyone, including myself, starts running, feeling that this is going to cause a natural catastrophe right then and there. I only see Leonhardt gathering power in his sword and gathering the courage to parry the blow.

In the final instant, I only see the clash between the two weapons and an explosion that bursts eardrums. I fall to the ground due to the windstorm from the clash of the two weapons, coughing until my lungs feel like they'll explode. Shit, sand got into my ear!

The curtain of dust slowly lowers, revealing at least two houses knocked down and one person standing in the middle of the dust.

"That's right, Leonhardt, show her who's boss!"

"Huh? Use your eyes properly, shorty."

Shorty?! Who dares call me... Okay, forget it.

Ragna is there, in the middle of a crater, pressing her foot against Leonhardt's head. I can't believe what I'm seeing...

"You lost, Blondie. Consider yourself the first member of my harem."