I Am A Table [LitRPG Isekai Progression Fantasy]

"What have you done to him!" Now back in the main tavern space, Lena exclaimed as she ran her hand along Blorbo's support. "It still looks the same, but it feels like stone now! I've never touched Featherwood that's quite like this!"

Griesa beamed as she adjusted her monocle. "Ah, Lena! What you're experiencing is the effect of resonant frequency modulation combined with an ionic stabilization matrix! Essentially, I've utilized hertzian wave mechanics to fundamentally alter Blorbo's internal crystalline structure at a cellular level, then stabilized it with a super-conducting micro-filament weave!"

"What." Lena said.

"You can even earn money at local table duel tournaments now," Griesa's smiled grew even wider.

"I'm not into table duel, so I'll pass."

"The Lord of Luxeny is a fan of table duels, and he pays out five gold coins out of his own pocket for the winner."

"F-five?" A sudden surge of avarice washed over Lena's face. "I-I am very interested in table duels."

Yes, yes. I can always count on Lena to be rational when it comes to money. I am SO ready for more table duels.

"However, the duels are some of the brutal types. Many tables cease to exist after the duels."

On second thought, I think I'm fine chilling like this.

"Oh no! My Blorbo is too rubbish to survive such brutality!" Lena exclaimed.

Yes, Lena, you're absolutely right. I am too rubbish to throw my life away recklessly.

[Progress: 1/3]

What? What progress? Is this the humiliation quest.

He rechecked his ongoing quest. The humiliation quest was indeed still there.

He reread the objectives.

Objective: Withstand 3 humiliation attempts without feeling offended.

Oh. I only fail the moment I get offended. Easy then. I just act normal, like the reasonable table who never overreacts that I am.

Griesa patted Blorbo's leg so hard it felt like she was trying to saw it in half.

[-2 HP]

I still lost 2 HP even after the upgrades? How strong are mortal humans in this realm?!

She said, "Nonsense, Lena! My enhancements are quite robust. Even though many lesser tables crumble after the first round, this table can still now end up as firewood for the tavern hearths instead of vaporizing to ash!"

I'm calm. I let buttocks ground against my face and loved it. This level of disgrace is nothing to me.

[Progress: 2/3]

"Awesome! Let's sign up for the table duels now! Are the rewards worth it?"

Griesa responded, "Oh. Definitely! During this time of the year there's only one tournament, but the rewards are super good even if you only get pass round 1 then concede. However, it's the Fight to the Death tournament." The WHAT?! "I'm not sure if you want to—"

"Let's go, Blorbo! Let's fight right now!" Lena hauled Blorbo on her back effortlessly and started carrying him toward the door.

Didn't you hear what she just said? FIGHT TO THE DEATH is the hecking NAME!

"Wait!" Griesa called out. "Aren't you suppose to infiltrate the Bird cult with your father?"

"He doesn't need me! Not for any role, and definitely not for this mission!" Lena whispered cheerily as she paced further away from the tavern. "I'm just a tag-along cook. He'll just do everything on his own anyway."

L-let's think about this for a moment, Lena! Didn't you hear her? 'Fight to the Death'! That's not just a cute nickname, Lena, that's a literal description! We're talking about splintering, about being reduced to kindling, about an ignoble end in a tavern fireplace! Is five gold coins really worth total annihilation? Think of the existential dread! Think of the splinters! WE just got upgraded! Don't WE deserve a longer, more dignified life of holding drinks and occasionally being tapped affectionately? WE are a TEAM, Lena! Think of the consequences!

"If worse comes to worst, I can just buy another table!" Lena's voice became even more cheery.

Oh.

As Lena walked away from the tavern, Blorbo's newly-enhanced perception picked up Anders' voice from inside the tavern. "Where's my daughter? I really need her for this specific role for this specific mission!"

Surely you must've heard it, Lena! Come back and help out your father! I beg of you.

But instead, Lena just… paced even more quickly away from the tavern.

You harlot-buttock.

Lena quickened her pace, Blorbo bouncing slightly on her back as she moved with a renewed, gold-fueled determination. Blorbo's internal pleas morphed into frantic, silent shrieks as the tavern receded behind them. He could practically feel the warmth of the hearth, a terrifying premonition of his impending doom.

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As they approached the town square, Blorbo's vision (or what passed for it) sharpened. He recognized the familiar hustle and bustle of the local market, filled with merchants hawking their wares and townsfolk meandering through the stalls.

Lena veered towards a peculiar, squat building nestled between a bustling fishmonger and a fragrant bakery. It was clearly marked with a faded, splintered sign depicting two tables clashing. The structure itself was a mismatch of salvaged lumber and corrugated metal, looking less like a prestigious tournament hall and more like a glorified storage shed. A line of other, equally terrified-looking tables, some with dents and scorch marks, waited outside, each carried by their own grim-faced handlers.

Save me. Save me!

I need to do something. Quick! Maybe I can smash her real good with my lightning-fast Precise Pounce!

He activated Precise Pounce.

[FAILURE: Target is not within range]

Cooldown remaining: 95 minutes

What do you mean? She's literally carrying me on her back! And how did I FAIL to use my skill and it's STILL on cooldown? That doesn't make any sense!

I need to do something else.

He desperately activated his Surface Wobble, hoping to draw attention. He vibrated with all his might, creating a faint, unsettling hum that buzzed through Lena's arms. Help! I'm being led to my inevitable, splintery demise! Does anyone hear the silent screams of a sentient piece of furniture being dragged to a Fight to the Death tournament for five measly gold coins?!

A passing merchant glanced over, then simply adjusted his basket of apples and continued on. A group of children giggled, pointing at Lena's energetic pace, seemingly enjoying the slight shimmy of the table on her back.

Lena, completely unfazed by Blorbo's desperate vibrations, merely tightened her grip. "Just a little further, Blorbo!"

Blorbo watched in agony as they walked directly toward the building. The ominous registration sign loomed closer in his view. There was nothing he could do.

Then… she walked past it.

Wait. What? Why?

"Blorbo!" Lena chuckled. "Did you really think I'll just throw your life away like that? You're rubbish! You won't survive a second in there! But I need to sneak out, you see."

She then continued her brisk pace, completely oblivious to Blorbo's continued internal panic.

Turns out that the idea of five gold coins, while enticing, was merely a convenient, dramatic smokescreen for her true objective: escaping her father's "specific role for this specific mission".

I'm… I'm alive? I'm alive! I'm so useless, hooray! I'm so happy I'm useless!

[Progress: 3/3]

Quest Completed: Emotional Damage (1)

Reward: + 7 HP, + 3 END, + 200 EXP

Okay. So where are we going then?