Heretical Fishing: A Cozy Guide to Annoying the Cults, Outsmarting the Fish, and Alienating Oneself

I watched Rocky closely, having sensed a visceral reaction from him when George fell to his knees.

Rocky, for whatever reason, saw it as a betrayal. An egregious insult.

So when Rocky exploded forward with his claws spread wide, I was ready. I flew to intercept him, not bothering to hide my disappointment. “You dun fracked up, Rocky.”

He wrenched at his limbs, trying to withdraw both claws from my iron grip. It was no use. I squeezed tighter, ensuring he couldn’t get free.

“How many times have I told you, Rocky?” I held him up, bringing his thrashing body to eye height. “I put up with so much of your bullshit. We all do.”

His legs reached up to stab at my arms, so I wrapped him up, holding each of his limbs close to his body. In the scuffle, a claw escaped my grasp. He clamped it down on a finger, trying to sever it, but I strengthened it with chi. A pair of twigs would have more luck trying to cut through stone. I ignored the attempt, staring into his eyes as I subdued the stray claw.

“There’s a single rule I gave you, Rocky. One that if you broke, you’d no longer be welcome here.”

“F-Fischer...” George gasped, his face white. “You’re a...”

“A cultivator, mate. Yeah. Sorry for keeping it a secret—it was necessary for my pals’ safety.”

I returned my attention to Rocky, shaking him until his hateful gaze left George and faced me.

“I felt your intentions there, mate. George is an unawakened human, and yet you tried to...” I trailed off, slowly turning to blink at George. “Hold up. You’re almost awakened...?”

Unbidden, my essence had swirled out to sense the outside world. Earlier, I’d been too distracted by the odd, crab-like chi coming from the cultists to notice George and Geraldine. They were close to ascension, and just like the cultists, their chi wasn’t entirely human. Part of it was alien, something I couldn’t recognize. It vaguely reminded me of the fathomless depths of the ocean floor.

I wrenched my gaze back to Rocky, fury burning deep within my core. “What did you do to them, Rocky? Why does the Church of Carcinization feel partially like crabs, and why do George and Geraldine feel like a dark abyss?”

George tried to say something, but it came out in a squeak.

“Rest up, mate,” I said, giving him a reassuring smile. “I’ve got this.”

“Unhand her!” Joel roared, his eyes wide and a sheen of sweat covering his brow. “I don’t know what trickery this is, Fischer, but you defile our god! Let Sergeant Snips go at once!”

“That’s not Sergeant Snips,” Maria replied, shaking her head then turning to face the cloud of sand behind us. “Would you mind, Snips? Your subordinate has really put his foot in it.”

A low hiss came from within the obscuring debris, and when Snips’s crabby form came scuttling into view, jets of blue chi billowed from her joints. She held murder in her eyes, and I could tell it took all of her self-restraint to not fly forward, grab Rocky, and introduce him to the stratosphere via yeeting.

“Everyone, this is Sergeant Snips,” I said. “Sergeant Snips, you remember Joel and Jess, yeah?”

She nodded sharply, still staring at Rocky.

“This is the rest of the Church of Carcinization, and that’s George and Geraldine, the nobles I’ve told you all about.” I arched an eyebrow at Joel. “Notice the spiked carapace and eyepatch, Joel? I have no fracking idea how you got convinced that Rocky was the same crab, but they’re clearly different. Rocky is just some bloke that randomly gained sapience somehow, and he’s loyal to Snips. We generally let him get away with his shenanigans, but this time, he’s gone way too far.”

I squeezed him, putting pressure on his carapace, but not enough to hurt him. “Now, tell me what you did to them so I can undo it. It can’t be healthy for a human to have crab chi.”

George cleared his throat, and when he spoke, he sounded as if he was shocked at hearing his own voice. “Their, uh, chi...” He cleared his throat again. “It felt like a crab before Sergeant—uh, Rocky—came along. I believe it was because of their meditation method...”

I furrowed my brow, staring from George, to Rocky, to the former cultists. “Really?”

“Y-yes!” Geraldine replied. “We felt it too, which was why we didn’t follow their methods.”

“How did you guys feel that?” Maria asked. “That’s kind of amazing.”

“No kidding.” I studied their faces, then called over my shoulder, “Is that true?”

“Truth,” Theo replied from out of sight.

I nodded. “Neat. I guess you two are more than meets the eye. I’ll explain everything, but first, you’ll have to let me punish this little—”

I cut off as lightning detonated behind me, somewhat muted by the particles of earth smattering the air.

I sighed and spun toward my assailant.

Corporal Claws, absolutely brimming with lightning-chi that made her eyes glow white and blue, rocketed toward me. She let out an indignant chirp, displaying her dagger-like teeth.

“I was getting to it, Claws,” I said, catching her.

She chirped again, poking an accusatory claw into my chest.

“I didn’t want to overwhelm them! I know I said I was going to introduce you, but then Rocky attacked! I had to deal with it first!”

She crossed her arms and harrumphed, raising her nose at me.

I scratched behind her ear, causing her head to dip in bliss. “Ah, well. I guess they’ve seen you now.” I spun toward the new arrivals, displaying my bratty otter. “Everyone, this is Corporal Claws. Corporal Claws, this is everyone.”

Casting aside her annoyance, she grinned and waved, letting out a happy little chirp of greeting.

“H-hello...” Joel said, his eyes darting between her and Snips.

George and Geraldine had somehow gone even paler, and they just stared up at Claws, their shallow breaths and occasional blinks the only signs of life.

More shapes moved within the cloud, their monstrous shadows amorphous.

“This is Private Pistachio, the sharpshooting and ever stoic lobster. He’s basically the Great Leviathan that the Cult of the Leviathan have been waiting on.”

Pistachio waved a single claw as his massive form came into view.

“Next, we’ve got Cinnamon.”

The little bunny flew from the cloud, unleashing a roundhouse kick of impressive form. She landed on the sand beside me, hopping side to side and shadow boxing.

“As you can see, she’s a student of the martial arts, courtesy of Warrant Officer Williams, or Bill for short.”

A shadow came into view toward the top of the debris, and when Bill sailed into view, his mighty wings were spread wide. He soared down to crash beside Cinnamon, nodding at the new arrivals as he ruffled his feathers.

“Then, we’ve got the smallest of my animal pals! Though they’re tiny, their personalities are large!”

The collar of my shirt vibrated, and two insects crawled out, taking flight and hovering toward George and Geraldine. Queen Bee and Bumblebro buzzed a greeting, making the seven newcomers flinch back.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “That’s them saying hello. Once you taste the honey they make, I’m sure you’ll come to appreciate them.”

Not waiting for her introduction, Pelly unleashed a mighty honk from above us, circling down through the air so fast that she was clearly a spirit beast. She landed next to Bill and Cinnamon, the former nodding at her, the latter leaping up and hugging her neck.

“This is Private Pelly, the adopted daughter of Cinnamon and the biological daughter of two nest-thieving pelicans that had the audacity to mess with one Warrant Officer Williams’s nest.”

Bill preened, holding his head high at my recounting of his escapades.

“Last but not least, we have the ones that warned me of your arrival—the Buzzy Boys.”

At these words, Rocky flexed in my grasp, his core radiating fury at learning the Buzzy Boys had warned of his arrival, giving us the chance to prepare.

A low droning rose up from within the cloud, and the majority of Bumblebro and Queen Bee’s children came flying into view, only some still absent so they could monitor our surroundings.

“Fischer...” Maria said.

“What’s up?”

She gave me a flat look. “The Buzzy Boys...?”

I grinned. “It has a ring to it, no? Bumblebro, Queen Bee, and the Buzzy Boys. Plus, it’s a play on words. ‘Busy boys’, because boy, are they busy.”

She rubbed the bridge of her nose. “How long have you been sitting on that for?”

“A few days. I was waiting for the right chance to reveal it, and well, the opportunity came.”

“If I didn’t love you so much, I think I’d hate you.”

“Thanks,” I replied, laughing. “Love you too!”

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t completely hide her smile.

The Buzzy Boys came to a stop in the air between the seven people Rocky had brought along. They let out a loud buzz, broadcasting just how overjoyed they were to meet everyone.

“And then,” I said, “there are our human pals.”

I turned toward the still-lingering dust, and with a force of will, pushed chi out of my core. It was like a warm light flowing over the ground, and when it reached the cloud, it sent the sand flying. Finally revealed, a sea of friendly faces smiled and waved. All the original congregation were there, as were the freed cultivators from Gormona. They struck an impressive sight in their church robes.

One of them stepped forward, beaming. “G’day, George!” Theo called. “How ya been, mate?”

In response, George fainted.

He let out a rather emasculating sound on the way down. I struggled to hold my giggle in, and Maria smacked me on the arm, her eyes warning me not to laugh. The effect was mostly ruined by her own lips curling up, as well as Theo’s choked laughter from behind me.

Geraldine caught him, her hands shaking. “George! Can you hear me, George?”

“He’s fine,” I said, kneeling down. “I can feel his core. He just got a bit overwhelmed.”

“You...” she said, licking her lips. “What are you going to do to us?”

“Woah there,” Maria said, holding her hands up placatingly as she knelt down. “We’re not going to do anything to you. Unlike when you were under the care of this little miscreant...” She flicked Rocky’s shell lightly, making him squirm in my arms. “You’re in no danger. We’ll explain everything as soon as he’s been dealt with.”

I nodded, returning my attention to Rocky, who was still tangled up like a pretzel. He blew pissed-off bubbles at me, his eyes filled with the promise of violence.

“You’re lucky it wasn’t your fault their chi doesn’t feel completely human, mate,” I said. “That’s the only reason I’m not turning you into crab chowder.”

Snips hissed her agreement, just as annoyed as I was that he’d tried to attack a defenseless human. She let out a barrage of bubbles and hisses that were downright scandalous in their severity. Maria and I raised our eyebrows at each other as it continued on, a little embarrassed that we were privy to the onslaught.

Rocky tried to complain, tried to defend himself, but Snips was an unstoppable force. Her tones rolled over his every attempt, slowly but surely crushing his spirit. When she was finally finished, she turned her back on him, dismissing him from mind.

For the first time since his pompous arrival as some sort of upstart faction leader, Rocky seemed remorseful. Tears welled in his eyes, but Snips ignored him.

“Looks like she doesn’t even care enough to throw you herself, mate.” I hefted his weight and walked toward the shore. “Guess that leaves it up to me.”

No! he hissed.

“Yeah, well, you should have thought about that before you tried to hurt someone. Frankly, I don’t give a shit if you try to start your own faction. Go for it. What I can’t abide is you being a maniac and hurting others. Consider that while you soar.”

Noooo! he hissed again, but I was done listening.

I drew my arm back, sending chi flowing up from my core. It all happened in an instant, and as the essence gathered in my muscles, it demanded to be used. My abdomen wanted to open the floodgates and let loose with a blast of light.

For a moment, I considered it, picturing Rocky getting blasted into orbit.

But I didn’t want to kill him. Heck, I didn’t even want to hurt him.

I just wanted him to learn his lesson.

I gathered my strength, prepared to send him flying, then froze, twisting my neck to look at him. My chi had felt his, and there was something off about his essence. Just as the Church of Carcinization had a hit of crab in their cores, Rocky had a hint of... human.

“Huh. That’s something...”

Rocky cocked his carapace in question.

Instead of answering, I grinned. “Enjoy your flight!”

Chi shot through every fiber of my being, all of my muscle groups working in tandem to send him flying.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—”

Rocky didn’t even have time to unfurl his limbs. He was gone in the blink of a cultivator’s eye, arcing so high that he disappeared from sight.

“You think he’ll learn his lesson?” Maria asked, staring at the patch of sky he’d vanished into.

“Honestly? I have no idea. I felt something off about his core, though.”

“Oh? What’s that?” she asked, resting a hand on my upper back.

I smiled at her. “I’ll tell you all about it while we get our new pals situated...”

Her hand drifted down to mine, and I took a moment to dwell in her touch as we strode back toward everyone.