Growing Lilies

By the time Star came back, Lily had had time to compose herself. She'd washed her face in the clean water, drank her fill, and spent her time introspecting. She was careful to make sure there were no signs left of her little breakdown. After all, she didn't want to worry Star.

He was getting big. She kept having that thought. But it really wasn't going to be long before fitting him in a normal sized car was hard. At that point, would she have to upgrade to a larger van? Maybe have him sit on top? Pickup truck? Options for later she supposed. Although, lately she was acutely aware that gasoline and even car batteries in electric options weren't going to last forever.

She thought he was carrying a weird sort of fabric he'd fashioned a make shift bag out of. Then, Lily got a closer look and almost hurled. Star trotted up, happy as could be, with a bunch of… something. It was wrapped in coyote skin. Fresh coyote skin.

In a moment he was in front of her, dropping it and giving her a big dog smile.

"I am back, Master. I have found some fine food stuffs for you to eat. Praise me."

"Uh… good boy?"

"Yes. I am. You have been crying. Why?"

Lily buried her face in her hands. All that effort and he could tell immediately. Was it his nose? Stupid dog noses…

"I'm fine. Classic Lily being a cry baby. Don't worry about it. What'd you bring back? Is it… all covered in coyote blood?"

To his credit, most of the ingredients were in fact not covered in coyote blood. Actually, the inside of the skin he was using was quite clean. When she commented on it though, he looked almost affronted.

"Of course not. I know quite well that you would not eat anything I brought like that. I needed a way to carry a lot, so I removed a skin and rinsed it in a stream."

Lily had to admit that was both smart and considerate. However, looking at the skin laying in front of her was still turning her stomach a little bit. Star was doing his best to help and feed her though. She was determined to not let his hard work go to waste.

"I… see. What did you bring then?"

Star nosed the parcel open, and started removing the things he brought. A whole rabbit, several mushrooms, spring onions, a thick horribly bloated little grub wrapped in a leaf, and three circular… somethings.

Lily pointed at them.

"What are those?"

They looked bloody, but they were almost spheres. Small, the size of a large marble, and made of… she couldn't tell. Meat maybe?

"They are the cores that were left in tact from the coyotes. I thought you should have them. They were your kills. So, I dug through the remains, scattered as they were."

"... cores? What the heck is a core? Some kind of muscle?"

Star looked at her curiously.

"The center of their magic. You have seen this before."

"I have? When?"

"In the deer I hunted. I offered the core to you, but you refused and allowed me to consume it."

Cores? It wasn't an organ she was familiar with, she didn't think. Although she was hardly an anatomy expert. She did vaguely recall Star trying to give her something spherical from the deer, and then horking it down himself.

"Do all animals have one of these?"

Star tilted his head at her.

"No. Not all animals. Not all magical animals either. But the ones that smell heaviest of mana usually do."

Some kind of magic tumor? That didn't seem good. Did she have one of those inside her? The thought made her stomach sink. Was magic causing some kind of mana cancer in these animals? Star broke her out of the thought.

"Why do you look frightened? Is something wrong?"

Lily shook her head.

"Not… exactly. I'm just wondering if these are dangerous for the animals that have them. Or if you and I have one."

"I do. You do not."

"What? How could you know that?"

"I can smell it. I have one. You do not."

She thought about this for a second. At least the dread rising up in her was starting to wind back down. Okay, so she didn't have magic cancer. Star might, but he seemed… fine? Flourishing, really. So, it probably wasn't something too bad. Right?

"Have any of the animals you've found with these seemed sickly? Weak? Malnourished?"

Star huffed. He seemed a little exasperated.

"No, Master. They are by and large the paragons of their species. That is why it was no surprise that the coyotes that posed us a challenge also contained them."

Hmm. Well, in that case it was probably okay. She hesitantly poked one of the cores with a finger. It was hard but pliable, like a ripe fruit. Lily shuddered. Something about that texture coming out of an animal squicked her.

"Maybe you should eat them rather than me."

"Master, I got this food for you. The cores are the best part."

"But they're… weird."

"They are full of mana. The same as the other materials I brought, only more."

That prompted Lily to look over the other offered food items. Now that he mentioned it, she could sense a good amount of mana coming from each of the items. Although the largest amounts by far were contained in the grub and the cores. Lily made a face.

"Some of this is perfectly edible to a human! We can cook that rabbit, and the vegetables. I'll make a fire. Do you need water too? I've got plenty now."

Star nosed her.

"I brought it all for you, Master. The grub was underground, but the scent was so strong I could find it from above. The cores are brimming with mana. You have exhausted your mana. You should eat them."

"But they're so… gross."

Star nosed her again, more persistently.

"I will cook them. They will be good."

"But it's like! Psychologically upsetting!"

"Master, you are beginning to harm my feelings."

"I'm sorry. But…"

"Just try them? The cores first. After I cook them."

Lily stared at Star helplessly. Then, she gave up.

"Okay…"

Lily had to grudgingly admit that the smell was making her pretty hungry. It had been a simple enough matter to conjure up a fire for Star to cook over. Despite being able to create heat, he preferred the actual flames. Magic was getting easier again, but she was still hesitant to overdo it.

Star had been fussing over the meal for close to half an hour now, and while it didn't look appetizing, Lily was definitely starting to feel the effects of having missed meals and sitting around a fire with cooking meat.

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

She decided to talk a little, to take her mind off it.

"So… I spent some time thinking while you were gone."

"Yes, you were upset. What happened?"

Direct. Although she supposed she liked that about him. Star wasn't exactly subtle when talking about something, and the fact that he didn't feel the need to be was probably a mark of trust. Or inexperience. She wasn't totally sure.

"It's just… I think I'm doing a bad job."

"In what way?"

Watching Star poke at the meal cooking on a flat rock, using a stick in his mouth was a pretty surreal sight. The fact that he could hold a conversation at the same time was nothing short of amazing, honestly.

"Surviving, I guess. I haven't been doing more than the bare minimum in that area. I've been so focused on magic. And I love magic. I… It's not like I don't. I really feel like I've found my calling in some ways. But, I'm not doing anything else. And I have to be! The magic isn't going anywhere. But if I don't take better care of myself, I might not be around to study it, you know?"

He paused for a few seconds.

"Is that true? You eat, and sleep. You drink water. What else is needed beyond comfort?"

She almost laughed. She forgot sometimes that he was so… young. Uneducated. He was so intelligent. Emotionally intelligent too! But there was no helping not being exposed to certain concepts in the first place.

"There's a lot more to survival in the long term, Star. For starters, I'm weak. Yesterday made that abundantly clear. You had to work so hard to keep me alive, and it's in large part because I'm slow, and not physically fit at all."

"Mmm. That is true. But if you had spent your time exercising instead of learning magic, you would not have been able to end the fight."

"... I guess. Still, I need to balance things more. Especially if I'm going to send another copy to help Lily One. It's okay to be better at magic than anything physical. It's not okay to be completely unable to do anything with my body."

"Have you decided to do that?"

"More or less. But let's circle back to that later. We were talking survival. My survival."

Star indicated that she should stop the flames, and so she did. The food was sizzling. She had to admit, half a rabbit laid out gently around a bed of spring onions, mushrooms, and more didn't look bad. Still, if she was going to get that grub or the cores down at all, she was going to have to channel her inner child from back when she watched the Lion King. Slimy yet satisfying, right? She was grimacing again, she realized, so she carefully stopped.

"What else beyond exercise then?"

"Well, a better diet for one. The canned food is really bad for me."

"It is? Why would they have made it then?"

Lily shook her head.

"It's… complicated. It's about having all the right stuff in it for the long term. In the short term, having food that doesn't go bad quickly is very nice. But if it's all you eat, you aren't getting enough of the stuff you need from the food."

Star huffed, and looked at her with an expression she read as exasperated.

"You should have said so earlier. I could have been foraging for you this whole time."

Lily did laugh at that. Star continued, indignantly.

"Do you not believe in me, Master? Don't laugh!"

"No no! It's not that. You're just… you're very sweet. But that's not the issue. It might have been a good idea. But I'm aware that that isn't a good solution either. Hey! Don't pout. I don't mean because you're bad at it. It's just… we should be growing our own food. I meant to get into that in the first few days, and then I just… didn't. I keep thinking I'll come back to it. And I don't. Not when I can pop open a can of anything and keep studying."

Star came over to lay next to her while the food cooled. He rested his head in her lap. He was taking up more and more of her lap when he did this these days. So she hugged him gently, and continued.

"It's not just growing food either. I got comfy. It's the same issue I was starting to notice at La Mancha, remember? I get comfortable, and then I stop moving forward. I can completely ignore my body. I can completely ignore my surroundings. I hyperfocus on one thing and can't come off it for any reason. Not even when I haven't bathed in days and days. Not even when I'm wearing filthy clothes. Not even when my muscles start to atrophy. Star… I could let myself waste away and hardly notice. It's… scary. I hate it. But I don't know how to be different."

She took a deep breath. He just continued to lay against her. It wasn't surprising that he didn't know what to say, but his presence still helped. It always did. What an idiot she'd been when all this started, thinking she didn't want companionship. Although, if he had been a normal dog… would she be neglecting him too? Even his needs?

She wished she could cut that part out of her with a knife. The overwhelming self hatred started to billow up inside her. She wanted to tear it out of her. Her skin was crawling. She wanted to–

Star leaned up and licked her cheek.

"You are too hard on yourself. Have you not gotten better?"

"No…? Have I?"

Star huffed.

"You told me that before you met me, you did not leave your home for years. Was that not the same state you are describing now?"

"Well… yeah. That's what I mean, I guess. I just fall back into these old ways of being and I can't break free from them. I can't get better, no matter how much I hate it. I'm still doing it!"

He licked her again. She pouted at him.

"Then have you not improved? You break free of it long enough to want for something more. You break free of it long enough to get some things done. Even if not most of the time. Sometimes is sometimes, is it not?"

She… hadn't thought of it like that. It didn't change a lot. He might be right about that. But it didn't matter.

"Sometimes is sometimes, but it's not enough. Not nearly. If I can only live my life 1% of the time, the other 99% I might as well be dead."

He nosed her in the side, hard. She yelped and looked at him with some agitation.

"One percent is a start. Sometimes is sometimes. But it is better than nothing. You can only do what you can do, and you have grown. You will grow more. Keep trying."

He was so earnest. She laughed, with some bitterness. It's not like he was wrong though. It was just… exhausting. So, so exhausting. It felt like the amount of effort she had to put into things everyone else managed to do as a part of daily life was insurmountable. Still, she was feeling a little better.

"Oh yeah, or what?"

"Or I will find you more grubs to eat. Speaking of…"

He nodded towards the food. She grimaced. But, she wasn't going to argue. She trusted him. And if she immediately threw up, she'd have reason to refuse what he called fine dining in the future.

She scootched forward, and picked at a piece of the rabbit. It had been browned well. He'd even found a sprig of rosemary to put on top. The meat came off the bone easily enough, and she took a bite.

It had a very similar texture and taste to chicken. If it wasn't in very clearly not a chicken's shape, she might have even been fooled into thinking it was. The seasoning was simple. It could have used salt, but really if she was being honest this was beyond impressive for a meal Star had scavenged for.

She smiled at him, and enjoyed watching his tail start to wag.

The vegetables were great too! But, then it was the moment of truth. Lily reluctantly reached for the core. Holding it in her hand, it had the texture of a fruit more than a meat, despite its looks. She tried to think of it as a strange alien vegetable rather than some mystery item that came out of an animal. It didn't make it easier.

She took a bite.

Like a sip of water when you're parched. Like the first bite of a salty snack after days of only raw veggies. Like orange juice after giving blood. Her body needed this. Before she knew it, she was scarfing the rest of it down, hardly tasting it.

She stopped suddenly, eyes wide. An image was in her mind, clear as day. It was a glyph. One she had never seen before! But there it was.

"Is… is that the glyph responsible for the illusion effect they had?"

Star looked at her.

"Master?"

"I have to write this down! Before it goes away!"

Lily practically dove onto the pavement. She grabbed a rock and started scratching the pattern onto the asphalt. It was a complex glyph. One of the more complicated ones she'd seen. Some of the radicals were recognizable, like the one for light. But others were totally unknown to her. Although, maybe not totally unknown. She was certain that all but one of them were present in the basement spell at some point. Even if not in this form.

In a moment, she had it sketched out. Content that it wasn't going to vanish from her mind, Lily reached into her mana reserves and drew it again into a larger circle. This time around herself. There was no need to be afraid. She was so certain about what it did.

As she finished the circle, anchored to the ground rather than her on the off chance she wanted to step into and out of it, she looked back up at Star. A second later she was pouring mana into it and could feel it activating under her.

"Well?"

"Well… what?"

"Do I look any different?"

Star looked her over carefully.

"I do not think so?"

Lily's heart sank.

"What? Really? Are you sure?"

"You look the same to me, Master."

Damn. Lily had been so sure it would make her look… different. Better? More friendly? Then it struck her. Of course a spell like that would have no effect on Star! She laughed out loud. A second later, she was doubled over, practically howling.

"M-Master? What is wrong? Has the spell done something? I will remove you, just say the word."

She laughed until she wasn't completely sure whether it was laughter or sobbing anymore. But, she was so happy. If anything could ever be a true endorsement of her companions feelings towards her, it was this.

"Nothing! Nothing, I promise. I just… I love you too, Star."

His tail wagged, swishing back and forth across the pavement.