Growing Lilies

Morning came with bright light and a stiff neck. Lily groaned and tried to roll over, but couldn't figure it out with her limbs in the small backseat. Today was gonna suck. Her body was sore, her mind was tired, and her hands were still shaking a bit.

Exhaustion was almost too much to bear. But she had work to do so she had to get moving eventually. She delicately sat up, and tried to roll up her pant leg to check on her bite wound. The sticky blood causing her jeans to adhere to her leg hurt as she peeled it away. The wound itself looked… well, it didn't look good. But it also didn't look nearly as bad as she had expected. The flesh on the inside of the teeth marks was white and clammy, but not dead and it still had sensation. As for the teeth marks themselves, they weren't as deep as the cut she had gotten from the paper explosion in her living room all that time ago. Actually, they seemed downright shallow for how much they had bled. They were still a little… gooey. But a lot of it had scabbed over too.

For a few minutes she just stared down at the wound. She felt like she could almost see it healing. Although that was ridiculous. She stared at the scars on her hands next to her new wound. She just kept getting torn up, and torn up, and torn up.

What did it matter, really? The pain was nothing she couldn't handle. At least she wasn't doing it on purpose these days. Although… putting herself in harm's way so often might count. She shook her head. Now wasn't the time for such thoughts.

A small voice in her heart whispered, 'then when?'. She pushed it down. When she wasn't working for survival. When would that be? Sometime. Probably.

She'd need to find some fresh water to clean the wound if she could. Maybe she could get some with a spell? Lily wished she had brought the chalk. Then she could draw a spell on the asphalt right outside the car. Although, maybe she could manage it with mana.

As she opened the car door, Star stirred a bit. She glanced over to see him looking at her.

"Good Morning Master. Where are you going?"

"You don't have to get up. Was just going to conjure up some clean water to wash my wound and maybe drink. Probably not in that order."

He stared at her for a moment longer, then laid back down. Just before she closed the door behind her, she heard his voice one more time.

"Be careful. You're still recovering. Don't tax yourself too much."

She closed the door. Then, thinking better of it, popped it back open just slightly. She'd do her best. Really she wished she had a drawing implement so she didn't have to use her own mana. Maybe she could go to the side of the road and draw in the dirt?

No. Her body didn't want to move even that far, and staying right next to the car where Star could hear and help her was a good idea. Could she even draw a spell? Time to find out…

She grimaced as she reached into her well of mana. It stung, although not as badly as last night. More like a muscle that had been used well past the point of comfort. She had a spell in mind. Variations of circles she'd cast before. Her head wasn't as foggy as last night, but it was still a struggle to focus enough to draw straight.

Three spell circles that were connected. Simple enough. Then there was a bigger circle around all three that when powered would connect them into one larger spell. But she left that one missing a piece around the outside, so she could fill it in and break it at will. It was an idea she'd been rolling around for a while, and had tested on the side while working on her plushy control spell.

Spells that could be toggled on and off. Spells that interacted with each other when connected. The glyphs themselves were nothing special. Two of the three spells gathered mana and water. Capacitors made sure the spell would stop if it gathered too much mana.

When connected, a third spell activated that was simply the same but with an added heat element to burn away the mana. When it was activated the gathering water portions of the other two spells deactivated, causing the water to gather in the central spell and flash boil.

Then, she could toggle it off again and rather than boiling water pouring everywhere it would be gathered into the other two spell circles again.

The cool thing about gathering water this way was even if it boiled into steam the spell kept it all in one space rather than letting it diffuse. Then she could just wait for the water to cool down enough to use.

Magic really was amazing. Consistently what surprised her most about it was how powerful simple effects were. Her whole spell used only a few glyphs and a design that involved two smaller circles orbiting around the larger central one. Of course, those two smaller ones had their own nodes and so on, making it look more like a complex system. But it really just… wasn't. This was amateur work compared to something like the basement spell, or even her own work on plushy control.

Yet at the same time, so was the spell she had used yesterday. Powered up with all the mana she could muster, something as 'simple' as conjuring a large ice ball and loading it up with as much kinetic energy as she could had caused so much damage. It was infinitely less complicated than her plushy spell, and honestly not all that different from the spell she had in front of her as far as detail. The difference was the power poured in.

She was starting to think that complicated spells might be generally less powerful than the simple ones, if only because when you're trying to do something complicated you have to use finesse and not overload any part of it. If she just wanted to create as much destruction as possible, she could do it with just a few glyphs. She was really, truly worried that if she could sustain a circle's integrity with the amount of mana required she might be able to destroy this planet with only a few glyphs. But copying herself across the cosmos was far more complicated. The amount of energy required was huge, sure.

She willed her mind away from planet destroying spells. She'd rather not have a plan for that. Lest she somehow decide to try something infinitely stupid in a moment of weakness.

The steam had almost finished gathering back into two spheres of perfectly clear water. If she'd been in a hurry she could have converted heat back into mana slowly and changed the heat to her liking. But, honestly it wasn't worth the energy today. She could wait a few minutes.

Besides, her eyes were already drooping. Just staying awake today was a real challenge. Could she drive home…? Then what about the thread? She was gonna have to eat sometime too. Although she could get by until midday without any real trouble. Probably.

"Not eating seems like a bad idea while recovering from wounds though…"

A familiar voice came from just behind her and over her ear.

"Why would you eat nothing?"

Lily nearly jumped out of her skin before she realized it was Star. When had he gotten up? She hadn't heard him moving around in the car at all, which was… unlikely, given his size.

Had she been spacing out…?

"We don't have anything I can eat. It's fine. We have water and we'll get home before starvation is a serious issue even if we have to find a way to let you steer."

"Master, do not be stupid. I will gather food for you."

She paused.

"You… will?"

"Of course."

She tried to imagine what kind of food Star could gather.

"Like… wild animals…?"

He let out a deep sigh. It was amusing how he had picked up some human mannerisms. Sure, dogs had sighed in the old world as well, but he really knew how to put the right emotions into it.

Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.

"I will hunt, yes. There may also be some foragable items you can eat. I am aware that you will not eat uncooked meat, but surely you can create a heat source for me if you were able to boil water?"

Lily frowned.

"We don't have any spices or anything though."

Star huffed back.

"Is that so? Did your hunger not matter if food is not entirely to your refined palate, oh picky Master? I was unaware you could subsist on sunlight and water like a plant."

"Okay, fair point…"

"Why, do you not trust my cooking?"

"It's not that! I love a lot of the things you make. It's just that even Gordon Ramsey probably couldn't make an awesome meal out of stuff he had to personally forage and hunt for."

"That would be a good show. Do they have that one?"

"...No. But if society ever comes back, I'll be suggesting it."

They sat quietly for a little while. Star wouldn't take her complaints seriously. Were friendships like this before everyone vanished? The kind of quiet trust they had was something she had always longed for and thought impossible for her. Should she just have gotten a dog a long time ago?

Nah, it wouldn't have been Star.

An hour later, Star had gone off to forage. Lily had spent an embarrassingly long time figuring out how to drink from a floating orb of water that tried to pull itself back out of her mouth if she was too close, and a less embarrassing but more physically difficult time figuring out how to wash her wounds with the other one.

Then she had dozed for a while, right there in the road next to her car. The sun was warm and the breeze was just right. Exhaustion took her. When she realized she was going to sleep she tried to crawl back into the car, but she didn't make it very far.

When she woke, the sun had moved a bit in the sky, and she felt hot. In her half awake daze she imagined what a spell for shade would look like, and then realized she could probably just spell cloth to stay over her head like a parasol. Could be awesome for the rain too. She'd have to make that sometime. Another one for the pile. It didn't feel good.

She stared up at the sky, and watched the clouds slowly passing by overhead. She knew she should move, but really didn't have the energy. Thankfully, it wasn't that hot out.

"Wonder if there's a spell I can use to capture solar energy, or if it would be better to use solar panels and then convert the electricity?"

It was an idle thought. But right now, thinking of magic was filling her mouth with a bitter taste. As it had more and more lately if she was being honest. Oh, sure. There were times when she was moved by the wonder of it. But other times, it felt… sick.

Why? She hadn't examined the feelings very closely, really. If she was being honest with herself, she'd spent a lot of time focused entirely on the subject in part to avoid thinking too closely about it. Or about anything else for that matter.

Escapism. As addictive as cigarettes and probably just as bad for you in the long term. But, here and now she had nothing to do. She could hardly move, and she didn't have the energy for spells. So, she had to sit with her thoughts.

The breeze washed over her. She could hear birds nearby. It was a nice day. But she felt miserable.

"Didn't I do something like this before…?"

She remembered. The first day. The first hour. She'd left her apartment and just lay in the courtyard for a while staring at the sky. Letting her mind begin to piece together what everything meant.

The truth was, she was bad at this. At what exactly? If she had to choose a word, she'd probably say 'living'. Lily didn't know how long it had been since everyone disappeared exactly. Definitely longer than a month. Less than six.

It was funny, in all the movies where someone is forced to survive they're always tallying the days somewhere. It had never really occurred to Lily to even count.

But in all that time, what had she done? Lots of magic stuff. She'd learned a lot. But it was escapism. She had buried herself thoroughly in magic. Just as she had with youtube and video games in her previous life.

Because the reality was, she needed something like that.

Something to occupy every waking moment. Every single thought. So that the bad thoughts wouldn't creep in. So that she didn't have to cope with those feelings. So that she didn't have to think about the fact that she was wasting away. Rotting in a prison of her own design.

The circumstances had forced her out of that prison, and rather than embracing change she had created a new one. Under the guise of intellectual curiosity and interest, she had crafted a perfect distraction.

What were the results?

How long had it been since she'd eaten anything that didn't come out of a can? How long had it been since she'd washed her clothes?

Her hair was a rat's nest. If she didn't take better care of her teeth they'd rot out of her head and there were no dentists here. Her fingernails were each either too long or bit down to nubs. She knew she had bags under her eyes from not sleeping well. Despite needing to 'fend for herself' she hadn't built a body that could handle much physical labor.

Nothing. Had. Changed.

The world had ended, and yet she'd somehow found a way to just not think about it. Because thinking about it was poison. Because she couldn't cope with life. She never could. She'd never learned how.

Everything was too much to handle. She couldn't take it. So she just found something, anything to bury herself in so she didn't have to think about it. Didn't have to confront it. Didn't have to experience it. She'd bury herself so deep in video games, television, books, magic, anything to avoid letting reality catch up with her.

The reality that she was letting herself rot.

The reality that she was not living.

The reality that she wasn't strong enough to live in this world.

Tears rolled down the sides of her face. It was always like this. Nothing to distract from the thoughts, and they came rolling in. What was she supposed to do? She had thought she'd made progress. Grown as a person. Become stronger.

But that wasn't it. She'd thrown herself bodily into magic. Because if she was thinking about magic, she didn't have to face how pathetic she was. She'd jumped into danger time and time again to learn more. Because she didn't value herself. She was too scared to die most of the time. But during an emergency a manic energy took over and she could do anything. Then she could be reckless. She'd either make huge gains, or die, and either one was fine.

But in the end, wasn't that just self harm? It was just another layer of self hatred and destruction. Just like everything else.

Just like everything else.

Was there anything she had that wasn't rooted in that? Did she have anything that wasn't just a tool she used to hurt herself or run away?

Star, probably. She had one true friend. Even feeling like this, she couldn't cast that relationship in the same filthy light as everything else in her life. But, that wasn't enough.

Star couldn't save her from this. No one could.

Because ultimately, nothing and no one can save you from yourself.

But she couldn't do it herself either. She wasn't strong enough to live in this world. She wasn't good enough.

She didn't deserve to be alive.

Yet, here she lay.

So, what now?

The same as always, really.

She'd live. Because that's what she did. Like a cockroach, or mold, or some other kind of scum you just couldn't get rid of.

She needed to be better. She needed to be stronger. She needed to be worth… life. Or anything for that matter.

In a movie, this would be where she had an overwhelming moment of self actualization and became a better person. But in real life, that's not how things worked.

She wanted to change. She wanted to grow. But, she knew it wasn't that easy. Otherwise she and anyone else would have done it forever ago.

'I hate myself.'

'I don't want to be this way.'

'I wish I was anyone but me.'

You can't just change things like that in a second. They don't go away. So, she would try to change. She would make an effort to survive in this world, again. She would pick herself up, and put her best foot forward.

Maybe she'd try to grow some fresh food. Maybe she'd try to take better care of her body. Maybe she'd try to spend less time distracting herself and more time thinking about how to actually live.

It wouldn't solve everything. She knew she would fail again, and again, and again, and again.

But she was here. And if she struggled to keep her head above water for even just a little longer, it might become easier.

She hoped it would become easier.

It had to be easier.

Please let it be easier.