God of Destruction: Living Among Mortals

"Absolutely the fuck not," Elesch said, glaring at the ducks like they'd made a personal attack. "This is not happening."

Adam was clutching his stomach at this point, tears in his eyes, rolling down his face. "Oh, it's happening, alright. Ducks have now entered the chat."

His laughter was blocking his breathing, staggering him behind, as he halted to catch his breath.

"Yeah, that's what you get," Elesch playfully said.

Nova leaned over, whispering conspiratorially: " Elesch, you realize you're the parade marshal, right? You're holding the sacred relic. They're not following me. They're following you."

She froze, shocked to hear what he had to say, even though it was blatantly clear why the animals were following them. "...No."

"Oh yes."

Adam nodded vigorously, finally able to catch his breath. "You're the Pied Piper of animals now. Congrats. Not many people are able to achieve such a feat."

Elesch's glare crept over Adam's skin, freezing him solid like a cartoon character. "If you two don't shut your mouths, I'm feeding this package to the ducks."

But that only made Nova laugh harder, joined by Adam a few seconds later. "Then the merchant gets a box full of feathers and quacks! Imagine his face: 'Ah, yes, thank you for delivering my priceless artifact. Why does it honk?'"

The animals crept closer, their noses twitching, feathers flapping. Elesch stopped, holding the bag higher, and snarled through clenched teeth. "One. More. Step. And you both carry this cursed package yourselves."

Adam straightened immediately, still laughing but at least attempting seriousness. "Okay, okay. But admit it, this beats trying to fight bandits or some high-shot billionaire. There is so much more banter."

For the first time in a long time, Elesch's expression softened, only by a decimal point. "Maybe," she conceded, "but if even one of these things lays a claw on the package-"

A sudden nose from the ducks cut her off. One of the pigeons dove, talons outstretched, aiming for the bag strap. Elesch whipped the package to the side just in time, and the pigeon smashed straight into Nova's face before spiraling back into the air.

Adam fell to the ground laughing, gasping for breath. "Oh my god, Nova just got assassinated by a pigeon!"

Nova staggered, wiping at his face, then he said, annoyed at the birds: "I hate birds. I hate all birds."

Elesch, lips twitching despite herself, marched forward again. "Just keep walking. We're almost there."

As they continued, their strange parade trailing faithfully behind, Nova muttered darkly about revenge against all feathered creatures while Adam chuckled nonstop, and Elesch kept the package clutched protectively to her chest.

The merchant's shop came into view at last, a tidy wooden building with polished windows and a sign that read: "Finley's Goods." It looked like the kind of place that prided itself on order, neatness, and absolute peace.

Which was why the trio arriving with a full-blown zoo behind them was less than subtle.

The dohs barked. The cats mewed. The ducks waddled proudly. The goat, naturally, screamed at the top of its lungs. People stopped in the street, whispering as the trio pushed through the door, the animals jaming themselves in behind like customers waiting for service.

"By the gods-" the merchant, a short, balding man with round spectacles, dropped the ledger he was holding. "What is this?!"

Elesch lightly slammed the package onto the counter, looking as though she might combust from sheer mortification. "Your delivery. Unharmed. Now please, sign the receipt before this turns into a barnyard opera."

Finley blinked, then leaned around her to see the horde of animals pressing into the doorway. "Unharmed? They look like they're staging a coup!"

Nova crossed his arms smugly. "That's not on us. Blame whatever you stuffed inside that box. We've been paraded through half the city, like-"

"Circus downs," Adam said, helping Nova out, still wheezing from laughter.

"Yes!" Nova pointed at him. "Circus clowns! And not the fun kind. The sad kind."

Finley adjusted his spectacles, muttering something under his breath, then carefully undid the seal. The trio leaned forward, curious at last. The box creaked open.

Inside…

…was a single wedge of cheese.

Bright yellow, wrapped in a fine wax coating, sitting perfectly still like a holy relic.

The trio stared.

"Cheese?" Elesch whispered, as though she'd just been personally betrayed by Father himself.

Adam blinked. Then blinked again. And then burst out laughing so hard he slid to the floor, screaming: "Oh my, we escorted cheddar across the city!"

The merchant looked offended. "Not just any cheddar! This is Moon-Curd Royale, a specialty cheese aged under starlight, infused with rare herbs, valued at-"

Nova slammed a hand on the counter. "We almost died to cheese!"

"Technically, you didn't almost die," Elesch muttered, though her cheeks burned. "You got slapped in the face by a pigeon."

"That's basically death!" Nova snapped.

The goat spoke loudly in agreement.

Finley sniffed, picking up the wedge with both hands like it was a newborn child. "This delicacy attracts animals because of its rare aroma. Perfectly natural. You should feel honored you were trusted to deliver it."

Elesch pinched her nose. "We fought off an army of ducks for a glorified snack."

Adam, still on the floor, gasped out between cackles, "Worth it. Absolutely worth it. Best first mission ever."

The merchant slid the cheese into a locked glass case, ignoring the animal's pawing at the shop door. "Payment will be sent to your guild. And… perhaps… a small bonus for your troubles."

Elesch straightened immediately, composure snapping back into place. "Good. Because if we don't get a bonus after this fiasco, I'll feed the rest of that cheese to the ducks outside."

Finley looked horrified.

Nova leaned against the counter, smirking. "Next time, Marcus, better warn us we're playing babysitter to a dairy product. Or I'm charging triple."

The goat spoke again, nudging him affectionately.

Adam howled with laughter. "Face it, Nova. The goat isn't leaving you. You're bonded for life."

Nova buried his face in his hands. "This is my nightmare."

Elesch let out a laugh, shaking her head as she pushed the door open to usher the zoo back into the street. "Mission complete," she said dryly.

"Barely," Nova muttered, glaring at the goat.

"Best. Mission. Ever," Adam repeated, tears still streaming down his cheeks.