First Song

- Erin -

I spent the night in bed, feeling utterly dreadful, though thankfully not as bad as I had when I’d needed to go into hospital. The changes continued, and the following day I could even feel the beginning of growth in my chest. Despite my joke before, maybe I would actually need to go shopping for bras sooner rather than later.

Mum had come to see how I was getting on before she went to work, kneeling down by the side of my bed to see how I was feeling. She was immediately startled at how different I looked – even though I was still far from the end goal, the stages in between were definitely discrete.

“What’s happening, darling? Why were you in hospital?” she asked me, concern evident on her face.

“Well, they did some tests and discovered that I have ovaries,” I said, deciding not to beat around the bush. “My body has been reacting and doing some crazy things because of it.” Normally, I’d have been worried about making her uncomfortable but getting this over with quickly might be better. Thankfully, because I was an adult, Mum had no access to my medical records without my consent.

She froze for a good moment, then slowly stood and settled herself down on the edge of my bed. We sat in silence, and I reached for her hand to hold it in both of my own. That made her smile a little.

“What does all this mean for you? Are you going to be okay?” she eventually asked.

I let out an inward sigh of relief. “Well, not that much. I should be okay, but my body is going to look very different from how it used to,” I answered, pointing to my face to reinforce what I was saying.

“Oh! I was wondering why you kept looking and sounding so different. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your eyes that bright before, and you look so thin now…” she commented, her eyes roving my face.

Thank goodness my parents had no idea how human biology actually worked.

‘I am uncomfortable with this deception, even though I understand its purpose,’ Muse interjected, making guilt rise up, causing me to blush.

“I think that a lot more changes are going to happen, too. That’s why I’m so tired and hungry all the time,” I said to her, pulling her hand closer to me.

“Well, if you need anything, you let us know, darling. We’re here for you… Erin,” she said, reaching out to pull me into a cuddle.

I warmed at her embrace, smiling contentedly, “Thanks, Mum.”

She ruffled my already messy hair and left to go back downstairs while I grumbled a little at my newly mussed up hair.

Rishaan texted me that morning to let me know that he was going home, except he really wasn’t looking forward to his parents complaining that he didn’t have a job or a wife yet.

Me: But you’re in uni? What do they expect?

Rish: Right? Fml

I shook my head and sighed, thinking about all of the expectations that my family had put on me before I’d gone to university. They were probably very different now. My own expectations for my life were wildly different from how they had been, after all. I shuddered and immediately turned my attention away from that line of thought.

I spent the rest of Wednesday asleep, whilst being looked after by Sarah and Dad. I think that Mum must have said something to him about what I’d told her earlier in the morning because he didn’t ask me any questions around why I’d been in hospital, or why my voice was sounding different. Phew. I didn’t feel like explaining about my body parts to my Dad – talk about awkward conversations.

Boredom was starting to set in about midway through the next day, so I pulled myself achingly out of bed to try to play some video games. Sitting at the desk was actually much harder than laying in bed, so I managed to last about 30 minutes before I was ready to fall back again.

I picked up my earbuds and phone that were on my bedside table, and flopped back onto my mattress. I flicked through my playlists, trying to find my favourites among the huge selection that I kept. I’d fallen asleep again shortly after I selected some light rock. I wish I knew how to play the guitar.

---

I woke up to the crash and rumble of thunder, my heart racing. My ears were sore from sleeping with my earbuds in again, and I yanked them out. The light outside had taken a darker turn and I could see thick clouds hanging overhead through a gap in my curtains.

The telltale sound of rain starting to patter against the glass made me want to snuggle back down in my covers, but storms always excited me. I slipped out of bed, moving to the window to watch the torrential downpour as it washed over our garden below.

A sudden flash of brilliance lit up the garden, and in the distance I saw the blinding flicker of a single fork of lightning as it arced its way to an electricity pylon. The crack-boom came almost instantly afterwards, making me flinch. I laughed at the sheer power of nature on display in front of me. I felt a tingle in my fingers as the sound dissipated, rolling away into the distance.

‘It is beautiful,’ Muse commented.

I nodded my agreement with her but didn’t say anything else, just continued to peer out into the dim ambience outside.

I shrieked the moment another flash of light hit the TV aerial of a house a few doors away from us, the thunder crashing over me like a wave. The shock wave made our house shudder. I could feel that tingle in my fingers again, though it was much stronger as it flowed up my arms. I gasped at the sensation of it spreading throughout my body.

Uh, what was happening?

‘I am feeding, Erin. Do not be alarmed,’ Muse said in my mind, her words calm and utterly devoid of worry.

“You eat lightning?!” I cried out, disbelieving.

‘I can feed from almost any energy source, although the short duration and high capacity of lightning makes it something of a potent one.’

Before I could even think of a reply, the sound of pounding footsteps were outside my door. I turned just as Sarah burst in, her eyes wide, “I heard screaming! Are you alr- whoa.”

I blinked at her sudden appearance, my heart warming at her concern, “No, I’m fine. Sorry, I just got startled.” I tried to laugh it off, but she just gawked at me through the gloom.

“Erin, your eyes are fucking glowing,” she said, taking a couple of steps closer to me.

Wait what?

I ran to my bed to pick up my phone, ignoring the unfamiliar sensations of my still changing body. I tried to take a picture of my face with the camera, but all it could make out were two faintly luminescent circles of gold.

I took the picture anyway.

“What’s going on?” Sarah asked me, even as another flash of lightning happened outside. This one was a bit further away, I could tell by the drop in the intensity of the tingling I was feeling.

“Something really cool,” I replied, looking back at my sister with the biggest smile and the brightest eyes.

---

So I wondered what would happen if I just shoved my fingers into a wall socket.

‘We would die.’

“Yeah, but what about a car battery?” I asked, audibly.

‘You would severely burn yourself.’

“Okay, but what if I was wearing rubber shoes?”

I had been pestering Muse for half an hour over what her favourite types of energy were, whether they tasted different, that kind of thing.

She’d mostly humoured me, giving honest if curt answers. From what I’d been able to gather, she was limited in some way and couldn’t do a lot of the things that she would be able to do eventually. Some part of her was still missing and she needed it to be ‘complete’. She was firmly opposed to divulging any more information than that, even when I pushed her or tried to trick an answer out of her.

‘You are not as competent at manipulation as you think you are, Erin. I will tell you when it is time.’

I wasn’t as hungry as I had been, when dinnertime came around. Muse told me that it was likely because she was no longer feeding from my own energy to sustain herself. Still, she told me that I needed the nutrition regardless, so I forced myself to eat with the rest of my family, downstairs.

My eyes had stopped glowing, at least, so that particularly awkward conversation was avoided.

I still got stares, though, even from Sarah. Everyone was looking at me, observing the changes that had happened so far. That made me a bit uncomfortable, to have everyone pretending like they weren’t studying me. It was impossible to pretend that the changes weren’t obvious, any more. My face was definitely feminine, even if I was still some way from looking like the young woman I’d seen in my interaction with Muse.

We made it through dinner with some light conversation, and I asked Mum and Dad how work was going – basically inane small talk. I was doing anything to try to take attention from the metaphorical elephant in the room that was me.

“Don’t forget, your Uncle Chris and Auntie Linda are coming to visit tomorrow. They’ll be staying in the living room, and your cousins will be sleeping in our spare room,” Mum told us as we were clearing away the dishes. Our cousins were two boys, twins, although non-identical. I’d been forced to help babysit them when we were younger. I was older than them by a fair few years, but they’d still been pains in my backside.

I mumbled something about hiding in my room the whole weekend, and Mum nodded, sympathetically. I was probably going to be sleeping most of the time, anyway.

---

- Muse -

<Translation to Human/English>

<Surveillance Log 021>

Erin is at last proceeding well as I continue my alterations to her body. I can feel our connection strengthening with every day that she progresses toward her end goal. I am hesitant to be optimistic, however current projections indicate that our bond will be somewhere around 61 units in strength.

I doubt that my calculations or predictions are accurate – I struggle to believe that they are, given that it is well known for a fully integrated standard link to be approximately 48 units.

The complete refactoring of Erin’s biological composition to her preference, and her lack of any lingering attachment to the previous, is my current hypothesis for these results.

Unfortunately, I have no way to test my hypothesis, nor my predictions.

However, all of my speculation is moot until we have completed our next objective. Without it, my own ability to sustain such a link will be limited.

---

- Erin -

Delicate, airy classical music was playing as I lay on my bed with my eyes closed. The air was less stuffy and humid than it had been, owing to the storm that we had yesterday. My window was open and I could feel a fresh breezing wafting in, tickling my increasingly sensitive skin.

I usually enjoyed listening to all different kinds of music, though they really had to fit with the mood that I was in at the time.

In my mind, I was picturing myself walking through a sun-drenched field wearing a white, floral summer dress and a straw sun hat. The grass around me was green and damp, and I was barefoot – my toes pressing into the springy softness with every step. It felt amazing and I wished I was there right now. The music was making me feel like I wanted to dance around and pick wild flowers as they grew at the edge of the field.

‘Erin,’ Muse said, cautiously.

I knelt down to pick one, and smiled to myself as I smelled the fresh scent of it. It was a Shasta daisy with milk-white petals. My fingers curled around it delicately, and I lifted until it broke at the stem.

‘Erin!’ she practically shouted in my mind and, startled, I forced my eyes open.

My phone dropped about half a metre, landing on my chest. There was a momentary flare of pain as it caught a rib, and I swore.

“What the hell was that?” I asked out loud, rolling onto my side and pressing a hand to where my phone had landed.

‘A side effect of our symbiosis. We are not ready to begin exploring it yet. Please be careful.’

How was I supposed to be careful when I didn’t even know what I’d done?

‘Our connection is based on our shared emotional bonding. You were channelling my energy through yourself without realising. In your current state, that is not ideal,’ Muse explained, her words very deliberately chosen. I have a feeling that she had mastered the British flare for understatement.

I pressed my lips together in thought at what I had been experiencing when I had somehow levitated my phone into the air. There had been a sense of something collecting within me, until I’d urged it outwards. It had felt something like...

A wave of light-headedness swept over me, ending with a splitting headache. I whimpered and pulled myself into a ball, clutching desperately at my head. There was a soothing sensation, the pain dissipating almost as soon as quickly as it had arrived.

‘We aren’t ready for this, Erin. Please stop, for both of our sakes,’ Muse continued, her voice soft and compassionate.

My whole body was shaking, but the relief from the pain was making me feel tired again. I slipped back under my covers.

---

The ring of the doorbell woke me up again, and I sat upright in bed. The memory of the pain I’d experienced was at least fading, but I still pressed my fingers to my temple at the phantom headache.

The house shook very slightly as the front door was opened and I heard loud voices downstairs. I couldn’t tell what they were saying that clearly – the sound was muffled by the door and distance. I guessed Uncle Dickhead and his family were here. I could never understand how Dad put up with his brother – I just didn’t get it.

From below, I could make out someone saying my deadname, causing my insides to twist and eliciting a groan. I twisted out from under my covers, resting on the edge of my bed. I wondered if they’d even know who I was if they saw me in passing.

A quick picture on my phone told me that I was definitely not looking like my old self any more. I was barely recognisable as the same person, in fact. Maybe if they looked really hard and could remember exactly what I’d looked like…

My hair had grown even more, the rust colour now several centimetres in length. The effect was that I seemed to have dyed my hair a dark brown at some point in the past, and just left my roots to grow through. I kinda liked it, to be honest. I almost had enough hair length now to be able to tie it back, too.

I could hear footsteps that I recognised as Sarah’s coming up to the stairs and then towards my room. I was in the middle of trying to gauge whether I had enough hair to put it up that she opened the door and stepped inside.

“Cute,” she said when she saw me, making me blush and drop my hair back where it had been.

She closed the door, then crossed to take a seat next to me on my bed.

“As you’ve probably heard, they’re here. Mum and Dad are okay for you to stay in your room. We’ve told them that you’re not feeling very well and so likely wouldn’t be around much,” she said, slipping an arm around my waist, leaning her head against my shoulder.

“That’s not fair on you, having to deal with him all by yourself,” I replied, resting my head against hers.

“Oh, don’t be silly. I’ll be fine. Dad’s already looking uncomfortable about them using your old name so much. We haven’t told them anything but I think he’s feeling very protective of his eldest daughter,” she said, giving me a squeeze before rising to stand up again. “Call or text me if you need anything, okay? I’ll come see you when I can. Hell, you’re much better company than Uncle Arsehole and Auntie Windbag.”

I snort-laughed at that and smiled, “Go, squirt, before they realise you’re missing and send out a search party.”

Auntie Linda was the kind of woman that loved to talk about her family, the accomplishments her children had made and generally tried to explain to you why her family was better than yours. I’d always thought that she and Uncle Chris were a match made in the deepest pits of hell, let loose on the world to punish us for our sins.

I made sure that I locked my door because I knew what my cousins were like. They had a tendency to wander where they pleased, despite being asked not to.

---

- Sarah -

I was envious of Erin right now. She got to completely ignore the visit by the absolute worst people in our extended family. I had to pretend to smile, hug and generally be happy to see them.

Our cousins are called Michael and Stuart, twins that looked alike but you could tell them apart without much trouble. Michael was the more muscular of the two, and definitely the one that you could tell was the more dominant of the duo. Stuart was more of a snivelling little weasel, conniving and scheming.

I’d once caught him trying to peek into my room when I was getting changed, the little shit. When I’d told Mum, my Uncle and Aunt had outright refused to believe that their son would do such a thing. He’d claimed that he’d just got lost in our house. It’s really not that hard to remember which side of the house your room is on.

Erin was actually the one that had threatened to punch him if she ever caught him doing that again. The whole family was behaving like it had never happened though, all smiles and backhanded compliments.

“Oh, Sarah. Don’t you look lovely. I’m so glad that you’ve moved out of your teenage rebellion phase,” Auntie Windbag said.

My ‘teenage rebellion’ phase was me having my hair styled in a pixie cut a couple of years ago. It was when I was just starting to come into my sexuality and seemed like the thing to do. There were a lot of ‘sleepovers’ that year. Honestly, how my family hadn’t figured out I was gay was a mystery to me.

“Yeah,” I faux-laughed. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I want to say hello to Davie,” Stuart was whining now. He was fifteen, just like his twin brother, but acted like he was barely thirteen.

“S- They’re sleeping. It’s been a really tiring week,” Mum managed to say, avoiding total disaster with a single pronoun slip. I was actually proud of her for refusing to call Erin by male pronouns any more. It was only after I’d explained to my parents how much it hurt her that they’d really found the ability to stop themselves.

“Why don’t I show you to your room?” I offered, instead.