First Song

When I woke up next, the first thing I noticed was how many people seemed to be in the room. Sarah was back, but Mum and Dad were here, too. When had they arrived? I was dressed in a hospital gown now, exposing my legs. Thankfully, they were tucked away underneath the blankets I had laying on top of me. I guess someone had changed me while I was sleeping? Or had I done it and just forgotten?

I gave everyone an exhausted smile.

“Hello darling,” Mum said when she saw me open my eyes. “How are you feeling?”

She moved to my bedside, her eyes filled with that tender look any decent mother gives their children when they’re in hospital.

“I’m fine,” I said out of reflex. My voice was still pretty croaky. I tried to clear it, but it didn’t seem to work. “I’m just... tired.”

Dad was sitting on a chair on the other side of the bed from where Mum was, completely silent. He was looking at me, though also through me. The ol’ thousand yard stare. Sarah was perched on the end of my bed. She looked a little apprehensive, her arms folded.

Mum was studying me closely, eyes flickering as she let her gaze wander over my face. I lifted my eyebrows, wondering what she was looking for. “What is it?” I eventually asked, the rasp in my voice refusing to go away.

She snapped back from her thoughts with a shake of her head, “Oh. I was just thinking that I’d never seen the resemblance between you and Sarah, before. How odd. You’re definitely… siblings.”

“Sisters,” Sarah corrected Mum.

“Sisters…” Mum said, with a glance at her.

Alright, what was going on?

“Um… Rah? What happened?” I asked, though my voice was being highly uncooperative.

She looked away from me, guilt clear on her face. So they’d found out about me somehow. Well, this was awkward.

“She told us that you’re one of those transgender people,” Dad said from his seat, confirming my suspicions. Despite the awkward way he was wording it, there wasn’t any malice in his voice. “Is that true?”

He was positioned in an awkward place for me, and I had to move my head to look at him, but he was focussing on me properly now. He could make his face unreadable to me when he wanted to, and now was one of those times. I had no idea if he was about to explode into anger or burst out laughing.

I nodded without trying to speak, trying to hide my growing anxiety. Something pushed at it, though, keeping it from overwhelming me. I was beginning to suspect that Muse was behind that.

‘I am softening your negative emotions. I can cease if you wish,’ she said into my mind. Right now, no, I was happy for her to do just that.

Dad gave me a small smile, as if I had just confirmed something for him. He took a deep breath and addressed Mum, “Well, I think that’s pretty clear.”

Mum seemed to be having a hard time handling what was being discussed, and I gave Sarah a concerned frown. If she had told them, I didn’t blame her – hell, it saved me from having to do it. My biggest worry was just the timing. This was not the best time for me to try to have this conversation. Maybe once my voice stops acting up, but not right now.

It’s not like I was going to be able to hide my changes from them forever, so this happening sooner was probably better. Fuck. What was I even going to tell them? By the way, aliens are real and they made me a girl. Let’s go buy my first bra!

There was a sob from Mum as she looked at me, and she brought her hands up to cover her face. My heart broke then, and I reached out to hold her in my arms. The needle for the IV got in the way, but I ignored the pain just to be able to hug my mother. This was something I didn’t get to do nearly enough.

She continued to weep as she almost fell on top of me, but we wrapped our arms around each other. I could see Sarah wiping at her eyes from where she sat, and I beckoned her to join in with a small wave of my hand.

Sarah laughed and rolled her eyes, but she slid herself down the bed to join in the comfort hug bundle that was forming.

Dad glanced up to the ceiling as if looking for some kind of divine inspiration, then sighed, “Women.”

---

The hospital staff wanted to keep me in overnight, so my family had to go home without me. After our familial bonding session, I was actually going to miss them all. We said our farewells, Sarah and I especially sharing a moment before they went.

“I’m gonna miss you, squirt. See you soon,” I said to her as we shared another hug.

She was smiling at last and replied, “I’d do anything for my favourite sister.”

“Dork.”

“Nerd.”

“And proud.”

We slipped out of each other’s arms and waved to each other until they were out of sight.

Once they had left, it was getting late and I was starting to feel tired again. Since I was being fed nutrients through a tube and saline through a drip, I still needed to get up to use the bathroom from time to time. I hadn’t been given a catheter, thankfully. That would have been too much for my fragile mental state.

All of the trips were an adventure, my body an aching mess. It was still trying to perform emergency evacuations from time to time, though they didn’t feel as urgent as the first time at home. Everything had to work its way through my system, I guess.

I tried to sleep overnight but nurses would come around every few hours to check my pulse and blood pressure. The third time they came in I must have just slept through it, my brain deciding it had had enough of all that.

Eventually, once the light of day was glowing around the curtains of the windows, I was woken up by a doctor. This was a different one from yesterday – a woman. I gave her my most welcoming smile I could manage with a tube up my nose and serious bed hair.

“You seem to be in high spirits...” She checked her notes, “Erin.”

It was impossible for me not to smile at her using my name. I was getting those little flushes of excitement, like things were just right after so long of them being absolutely wrong. There hadn’t been an opportunity for me to test my voice since yesterday, so I gave it a go.

“Yeah. Well, I’m feeling better today,” I managed to say, though my voice felt like it was just cracking repeatedly – I was struggling to keep it at any one pitch.

She nodded and picked out a pen from her breast pocket, her attention drawn to writing on the clipboard she was holding.

I was still super tired, but I just wanted to go home now. Can I go home now?

‘I believe that this would be safe, if you are careful,’ Muse replied.

I wondered if there would be another part of the process that might need me to come back. That’d be a little bit embarrassing. Hi, it’s me again, it’s only been a week but look at how much I’ve grown.

‘There will be a few days that will be worse than others, however I can assist with those much more successfully than with this nutrition issue,’ she responded.

So this wasn’t even the worst part? Well, damn.

‘We will get through them together.’

I couldn’t help but smile at how comforting she was being. If she’d been a physical person right now, we’d have hugged.

‘Shall we make friendship bracelets?’

That had me snort-laughing. How does Muse even know about those?

The doctor looked up from her note taking to peer at me, eyebrows lifted, “Is everything alright, Erin?”

Oops. I need to be more careful. That could get me in trouble.

“I was just keeping my spirits high,” I smiled. My voice decided that it was going to settle on leaving me sounding like a teenager, which was okay by me.

Her wall of professionalism broke momentarily, and she cracked a half smile, “Well, can you keep them high enough for some scans? There are some things we’ve seen in your blood work that I’d like to have checked out.”

I squinted at her, suspicious. “What kinds of scans? What kinds of things?” Yep, I definitely sounded like my teenage self now.

Her gaze went back to the clipboard as she checked some notes, “Well, there seem to be some hormonal imbalances that I’d like to look into. I also like to do an ultrasound of your abdomen and pelvis.”

“No,” I said, flatly.

There was a look of confusion that passed across her face.

“Erin, it could be something dangerous or harmful. I would like to make sure that everything has been checked before you’re discharged. You came in with some really bad symptoms of malnutrition and it would be unprofessional of me to let you go home without looking into them.”

Normally, I’d have said that it was fine. But these weren’t normal times. Instead of a scan, I could just ask my personal doctor. So I did. Did Muse know if anything dangerous or harmful was present in my body?

‘No, there is nothing that I did not intend to be there. I believe that she is detecting your developing ovaries and wishes to examine them,’ Muse answered. She had an exasperated tone, like she had had enough of all this human silliness.

For a moment, I was stunned. Holy. Shit. It was all really happening. Waves of realisation that the things that Muse had promised were actually happening washed over me, and I found the excitement almost unbearable.

The doctor must have seen me staring into the distance because she waved a hand in front of my face, “Erin? Are you with me?”

I blinked, my attention returning to the room, and I nodded. Looking back up at the doctor, I had a small smile when I said, “I’m fine. No, thank you. I think I’ll be okay. Can I be discharged now, please?”

She gave me a look that I assume was reserved for only the most frustrating of patients, then sighed and walked out of the room.

---

I was waiting for a few hours for someone to come and take out the tube from my nose and the IV line from my arm. I spent those few hours asleep again, only to be woken up by the nurse that came to remove them.

“It’s time to go home, Erin,” he said cheerily. He was wearing the usual blue nurse scrubs. I nodded and smiled patiently, giving him access to my arm and to my nose as he pulled out the tubes that had almost certainly saved my life yesterday. He looked into each of my eyes as he worked, which made me a little nervous, but he didn’t mention anything about how they appeared. Phew.

My parents were called for me, which was good because I didn’t have my phone – or anything else, really. I got changed into the clothes that I’d come in, noting how they fit me slightly differently from before. They were looser around everywhere except my hips, where my jeans were still snuggling up against me. I had to wear my old underwear, too, which was both disgusting and enlightening. Yep, looser down there, too.

That discovery elicited another thrill of excitement from me, though it was short lived. I had to use the bathroom again while I was waiting for one of my parents to arrive to pick me up.

Once inside a single occupancy toilet, I immediately noticed that there was a mirror over the sink. I brushed aside a wave of anxiety and moved over to it, my eyes lowered.

I took a deep breath to ready myself, then lifted my gaze to take myself in. There wasn’t anything hugely different from how I had looked yesterday, though I could definitely see some small changes. I was looking thinner – perhaps… elfin in appearance? The combination with my eyes was definitely striking, though.

Sarah had mentioned something about seeing the hair colour coming through, so I pulled myself in closer to the mirror to see it. It was tough going, trying to pull out a lock of hair while also keeping my eyes on the mirror – I thought that I could see some of the reddish colour at the roots. I smiled. Okay, no, I regretted doing that. There was enough of my old face there to give me immediate dysphoria.

The toilet beckoned, so I finished the business I had come in to do. Yes, I washed my hands.

It was only another ten minutes before Dad arrived to pick me up, and he led me back to the car. I was careful not to over-exert myself, but even that short distance had exhausted me. He opened the door for me to get in, and I gave him a smile as I accepted. Yeah, I think Dad was taking this all way better than I had expected him to. He might be an absolute reservoir of toxic masculinity but maybe he accepted me as his daughter now.

We drove home in silence, my eyes struggling to stay open as the hum of the road lulled me into slumber. I managed to last about ten minutes before I was sound asleep.

I could barely open my eyes when we arrived back, and I heard Dad opening the door to look down at me. My hands struggled to find the release for the seat belt, so he leaned in to release it for me.

“Come on, D-… Erin, let’s get you inside,” he said, reaching down to help me out of the car. I groaned and grumbled like a teenager, which was apt because I sounded like one. That he’d used my actual name made my love for him grow brighter than it had in a very, very long time.

Once I was extracted from my seat, he wrapped an arm around my waist to guide me gently to the door. I had no chance of making it up the stairs, so I went to sleep on the sofa again. There were already some blankets and pillows set up for me, and I gratefully dropped down into them.

Dad got me some lunch and a drink of orange juice before he left. I was honestly too tired to be amazed, I was just so thankful to him.

“Thanks, Dad,” I managed to say as I slowly ate the sandwich and sipped the orange juice. He gave me a quizzical look, then turned to leave back for work. I had totally forgotten about how I sounded. Oops.

---

Sarah was home when I woke up again, and she helped me upstairs and into bed.

“So, how did everything go? Are you out of the woods?” she asked me as I hauled myself up, step by weary step.

“Yeah. I think so,” I managed to say, taking a moment to catch my breath halfway up.

She looked surprised when she heard me finally speaking, her eyebrows lifting, “I see there’s been some changes already.”

I nodded, breaking into a warm, if mysterious smile, “They wanted to run some scans.”

“But you didn’t let them?” she asked, once more leaning down to help me up the steps.

“Hell no. Muse said I was fine,” I answered. I didn’t tell her about what they’d have found if they had managed to take a look inside me. That was my own, personal secret right now. Well. Mine and Muse’s.

“You trust her, then?” she asked as we finally arrived at the top step.

“I kinda have to now, don’t I?”

Sarah helped me to my room and into bed, then left to make me some food. She’s such a good sister.

‘Would you trust me if you had a choice?’ Muse asked, silently.

I think I would trust her. She genuinely seemed to have my best interests in mind, even if they were also a little self-serving at the moment.

My phone was on my bedside table and I checked for messages. There were quite a few from both of my friends, including one from Rishaan asking if I was okay because I hadn’t replied to him in so long.

I was still tired and getting hungry again, but I tapped out a reply.

Me: Yeah, I’ve just been in hospital

Me: I’m at home again now, though

I also took that time to write back to Claire. She was bored at home and I couldn’t help but laugh as I thought about my own situation. I’d been worried that my time would be like hers, too, but oh wow. It was probably that hormonal imbalance that the doctor had been worried about, but I don’t think I’d ever felt so much love for my family as I had the last couple of days.

I snuggled up under my covers and let the warmth wash over me, while I drifted back to sleep.