Euphemistically Yours

When I asked for the oldest, ugliest pony, I really had no idea how far down the ladder went. The poor animal I finally decided upon was soon destined for the butcher's. I suppose I rescued it from a worse fate? Only time would tell.

The pony in question was an old stallion, well past his prime, and clearly grumpy about that fact. He was one of the larger animals available, had most of its teeth, and he even had a good stance and musculature. However, he was missing an eye and an ear, both on the same side. He also had a collection of scars along that flank.

Based on the markings, he had been in a nasty fight when he was younger, though I didn’t ask. I didn’t need to. I could see the murderous look in his single remaining eye and I knew. In fact, I was left wondering what the other horse looked like - or if it even survived the encounter.

“You don’t have anything … worse?”

The owner practically giggled at me. “This here’s the bottom of the barrel.”

“All right then, let’s talk price.”

Obviously, I didn’t have the money. For starters, my wife had control of the purse strings. But even then, the price of a pony in the current market was beyond belief. Luckily, I had other assets that I could trade. Namely, my two mules. It took a bit of haggling, but trading two mules for one underage pony wasn’t a bad deal. The old stallion I’d been offered was thrown on for free.

One of my best moments in the negotiation was pointing out how lonely Honey would be now when she lost her familiar herdmates. The owner loved his horses more than his own life. I could see a quiver in his lip and I knew I had him. In the end, he threw in several bags of quality feed as a consolation for Honey.

“You drive a hard deal, but you’re a good man.” I shook his hand on the deal.

“I may not like you, but everyone here loves Honey,” he countered with a smile.

“I’ll bring the two mules by to finish the trade tomorrow.”

“No hurry. I know you’re an honest man.”

Still, I was concerned with recent events. “Nobody will buy these two ponies before then?”

“They are sold merchandise. I can’t sell them to someone else. And for the second one, why would I bother?” He let out a hearty chuckle.

“Do you mind if I introduce my children to their new horses?”

“Not at all. In fact, if they would like, they can ride them around inside one of our pens.”

At that, I looked behind me, toward the stables. The noon bell had rung by the time I'd finished negotiations, so I was surprised that Grit and Eu were still inside.

Seeing my concerned expression, the owner motioned forward with one hand. “Come, let’s go find your boys! They’re probably looking at the new foals from yesterday.”

“That’s possible. I imagine Eu has never seen a baby horse before.”

“Eu? That’s a strange name. Is it short for something else?”

“Ahh…” I’d made a mistake. The feeling of relief once I’d finished bargaining for a decent price had left me addled. Even so, there was no reason to cause trouble. “It’s short for a longer name, yes.”

“Oh, I see…” I could hear the question in his voice, but I wasn’t going to say anything else. If he heard the name “Euphoria,” that had the ring of a woman’s name, so it would only raise more questions. If we could just get out of here without a fuss, I’d consider that a success.

When we finally found the two, they were watching one of the horse marshals attending the care of a gelding with symptoms of stomach pain. Apparently, in the short time I’d been missing, Eu had picked up a whole new set of words.

“You treat colic by changing what the horse eats?”

“Right! We make sure they aren’t eating anything unusual. Likewise, plenty of water and at least some exercise.” The marshal was busily answering her queries. It wasn’t really his job to handle visitors, but he probably enjoyed showing off for Grit, soon to be a squire himself.

“What is ‘exercise’? Is this another horse disease?” asked Eu.

“No. It means… walking and running a bit. Working the horse's muscles and balance.”

“Oh! Exercise is a good word.”

He laughed, “Sure. It’s nothing like all those other illnesses you wanted to know about.”

As I approached, I saw her counting the new words she’d learned on her fingers, “Colic, apoplexy, consumption, squinsy, staggers, ague, constipation, dehydration…”

“Eu…” Grit pulled her away. “Stop bothering the marshal. He has work to do!”

“No, really, it’s fine. Your little brother’s quick to learn! He might want to work as a marshal when he grows up.”

“No…” Grit paused to navigate a sentence without revealing Eu’s sex. “Eu has other things to do.”

The marshal smiled at the owner and me when he saw us coming. “Squire, your boys were a pleasure. Bring them by to visit any time!”

More flattery? “You don’t know what you’re asking…” I laughed.

“No, really. Your youngest son here has the makings of a physician. He's younger, so he's not the heir, right? With the right education, he could take on a respected profession.”

“I’m sure…” I glanced at Eu, who grinned back at me, then at Grit, who shrugged, completely at a loss.

“Before you go, do you think they would like some candy?” The marshal reached into the pocket of his vest and pulled out some wrapped chunks of dried, crystallized honey.

“Yes! Candy!” Eu somehow read the situation, figured out the unfamiliar word, and answered before I could even react. The marshal chuckled and handed one to her and one to Grit.

“You should save those for later, we can …” But, I was too late. She’d unwrapped it in a single motion and plopped it straight into her mouth.

Grit looked toward me and saw my distress. He quickly slipped the candy into his own pocket. “I can save this one for Swift.”

“Make sure Eu doesn’t steal it from you beforehand.”

Both the headman and the marshal laughed at the idea. They thought I was kidding? Little did they know!

I needed to get them out of here before something awful happened. "I made my pick and finished the deal. You should both come out and see.”

“Oh! Did you buy a pony?” Grit asked.

“Two.”

“Two?”

“One for you and one for Eu.” I stopped and smirked at myself, because the "you" and "Eu" sounded exactly the same. “One for both of you… or both of Eu? Ha!”

“Yes, Father.” Grit was not amused. But then, his face lit up when he realized the whole meaning of what I’d said before. This would be the first horse that was actually his.

“I get a horse?” Said Eu, although her expression was not pleased. “I don’t want a horse.”

“Ehhh?” Both the headman and the marshal’s surprise was fitting. In what strange circumstances would a child even turn away from the chance to have their own horse?

“You like horses! You like Honey, don’t you? Come and see. Maybe you’ll like your own horse even more.”

“I will come and see. For now…” she humphed.

Once we were outside, the stablehands brought over our two new ponies. I motioned the smaller horse toward Eu and the old monster over toward Grit.

“Father? This horse is … There’s something wrong with him. Actually, there’s a lot of things wrong with him!”

“I know. He’s yours though. Think of this as a … lesson. If you can keep him well and teach him to serve as your warhorse, then anything after that would be simple, right?”

Grit’s mouth hung open for a while, but eventually, he seemed to decide that even the ugliest horse on earth was better than no horse at all. “I’ll do my best, Father!”

I could only nod. No, I could pray. I could nod and pray.

In the meantime, Eu had approached her pony. From her time with Honey, she already knew the proper etiquette with horses to introduce herself. Furthermore, her young pony had already been trained to carry a larger rider than Eu, so it wasn’t too terrifying for either one of them.

In contrast, Grit warily drew near to his new steed. He did everything right, but the pony shifted its malevolent eye his way and held him off purely through the strength of his burning gaze. Thinking about it, I suddenly realized that I hadn’t seen any of the stablehands actually riding this beast.

“It … this pony … it’s been trained to carry a rider?” Grit asked.

“So they say…” offered the owner. “I’ve never seen it myself though.”

By this point, Eu had already fallen in love with her pony. Likewise, her young friend had nuzzled her nose into her chest. “I like this horse! What is her name?”

I looked to the owner, but he shook his head. “That one hasn’t been named yet. After all, we let the buyers choose the name.”

“Oh! I guess you’ll get to name it, Eu! Let’s see… normally you name a horse after something you like. For example, my Father named Honey for me, because he knew I liked honey.”

She tilted her head in confusion. "Honey is ... what does 'honey' mean?"

"It's the sweet stuff you just ate, the same as in sweetcakes. Bees make it."

"What is a bees?"

Surely she knew what a bee was? "Bees!" I made a buzzing sound while waving my fingers around.

"Oh... bees, honey..." Her face lit up. "Honey means honey?"

"Right! You should choose a name like that - something you like!"

I could see the wheels turning in her head, but then she gave me a smile. “My horse's name is ‘I need more candy!’ That's better than 'Honey' and it's true!”

The owner and stablehands nearby all broke out laughing. “That’s too long for a name! It’s FOUR words!”

“No, it’s not!” Eu insisted. “I NEED MORE CANDY!”

"How about just 'Candy?' That's a good name." suggested one of the farriers.

"No!"

“Fine, fine! It’s your horse.” I did my best to forestall another pointless argument. “You can name your horse whatever you want. You might regret it later though…”

At just that moment, Grit, who had extended his hand out for his new pony to sniff, leapt back when the horse lunged forward. Even though he was several strides away, I could hear the sharp clack of teeth that had just missed Grit’s fingers. Only the attentive stablehands saved him from harm by pulling back on their rope lines.

“Is this thing even a horse?” Grit cried out.

“I can name Grit’s horse too!” Eu jumped up and down with all the excitement.

“No … please don’t!” Grit pleaded. “It doesn’t deserve a name!”

“Grit’s horse’s name is … I EAT HANDS!”

This time, there was no laughter, only solemn nods of agreement from the surrounding staff.