NOVEL NEXT Book 2 - Chapter 27 - A Family-Friendly Apocalypse
Alex landed just outside the exterior of Canada's Wonderland after a quick, uneventful rip through the unspace. The cracked cobblestones were no longer crawled with weeds and sat under a magical early-autumn sky. Looking around, he noted the parking lot still had rusted out cars forgotten for twenty years. Most surprising of all was the "WONDERLAND" side didn't flicker. Someone had weeded the entrance and fixed the giant namesake of the Dungeon.
[Wonderland - Silver Ranked Dungeon]
[Current Occupants: 0]
[Time Since Last Defeat: 0 Years, 2 Months, 2 Days]
[Deliver the Pizza to the Customer - Time Remaining - 54:13]
Rather than falling apart and blinking neon, the sign had been replaced. It was a decently neat wooden sign painted over with rainbow colouring in big blocky lettering. The Silver ranked Dungeon Boss, Lord Loopy, had clearly been hard at work sprucing up the joint.
Alex had never been in the Before Times. Hadn't rode on Mindbuster, or The Fly, or that one that dropped you from the sky and compressed your internal organs with high G's. He'd sprinted around the theme park during his last visit and almost been maimed by psychotic mascots and soggy plushies while delivering a pie to a lonely, broken Boss. Yet looking at the park, he was excited to see how Lord Loopy was doing after the whole cursed bracelet debacle. He also felt no fear. From the outside it appeared Lord Loopy was doing OK.
He kicked off towards the polished turnstile entrance. "Maybe Loopy fixed some of the rides to make them not murder gauntlets."
Instead of thinking of his lack of family, or the time his orphanage had brought him to a mockery of a theme park with terrible funnel cakes, Alex was excited. He'd saved Lord Loopy. That made him a friend. Surely Loopy hadn't ordered a pizza to murder him.
Passing through the entrance, the potted plants overflowing with mutated flowers were still there. A polished hotdog stand sat ready with glistening glizzys spinning on metal heaters. Flanking the wide-open space were lamp posts with fresh bulbs that were off. Infront of him, two paths branched. One to the left, and one to the right. The other major difference was the signs.
A hand-painted sign stabbed into the cobblestone on the left side read, "FOR FRIENDS, NOT ADVENTURERS (AND WE WILL KNOW! BEWARE!)", while the right path displayed "ADVENTURERS THIS WAY. FINAL WARNING." In the distance, giant constructs of painted metal rose into the sky. Broken rollercoasters that forever belonged to Lord Loopy.
He didn't pull out his GoCoin. Lord Loopy was earnest if he was anything, and his gut was telling him left.
Just to play along, as Loopy loved to play, Alex began to jog and shouted into the seemingly empty park. "I got a pizza here for a ONE LORD LOOPY!"
The sun began to crest the horizon, and ten steps into his cruising speed, the new Wonderland awoke.
Lights burst to life across the grounds. Not broken strobes and busted signs, but a symphonic bursting of colour. It matched his feet as he turned on the streaming flames of [Burning Hot]. To the rhythm of carnival music Alex ran while the Feris Wheel he could see started spinning without the screeching and scraping of metal of a ride spinning too fast. Then, Lord Loopy's animatronic announcer voice came through brand new speakers tied with ribbons on the light poles.
Vibrant and very much alive, Lord Loopy sounded like a man genuinely excited about fun instead of being morbidly obsessed with the idea. "WELCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!"
"Alex! You're back for another EVENING FUN SESSION. Except this time, we've got good thrills! We've got rides, and candy, and I prooooooomiiiiiise the side you picked will make you smile. No more forced eternity smiles," Lord Loopy laughed to himself. "You know…I've had a lot of time to think. And I decided that yes, I am a Dungeon Boss. But I'm also the fine owner of this esteemed park."
Alex whizzed past a cotton candy machine. They didn't shoot molten strings of sugar at him. Instead, clouds of colourful fluff danced to the beat, and he leaned over and snagged a handful. Soon as it hit his mouth, a burst of taffy flavour dissolved in his mouth. Keeping his pace, the mallets at the sledgehammer stand waved themselves at him cheerfully before winding up mid-air. With a solid thud, the metal disk shot up along the vertical track and dinged a waiting bell at the top.
DING DING DING DING DING
"WINNER! So strong!" A recorded voice of Loopy played.
"Lord Loopy, this is great! I love what you did with the place!" Alex shouted.
Jogging around, Alex was able to appreciate the work that had clearly gone into the park since his last visit. Arcade games under a newly constructed pergola chimed and beckoned him. Rows of prize stalls flashed as plushie Monsters danced rather than charge. A couple of them pointed at the t-shirt stand where rustling garments were all labeled "I CONSENT TO FUN!". A skee-ball lane shot golden confetti while rolling its own balls. A cluster of popcorn bags dumping their innards everywhere waddled past, saluting. And everywhere the air was filled with the thick scent of funnel cake.
Loopy's announcer voice came back over the speakers. "I've been putting in a lot of work with the Monsters."
A dozen plushy prizes, clearly showered and cleaned, stopped mid-dance to throw their arms up in the air. "Yay, work!"
"Had to shut the whole left side down!" Loopy continued. "That was annoying...Adventurers can be so finicky, you know? But now? Now? The left side if the FUN SIDE. For real this time! No more existential dread here. Well, a little, but we…uh…that doesn't ever really go away does it? But that's OK!"
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The lights flared and the music began to rise, and Loopy's voice carried over the sound. "I don't really, uh, know that many people. So yeah. You're our first guest on this side of the park. Think it'll work? THINK PEOPLE WILL COME AND HAVE FUN? I know it's a long shot…but maybe?"
Alex caught a giant cookie that a Plushie Monster hucked at him. It was still beautifully warm in his hand, and when he took a bite, gooey oozy chocolaty goodness filled his mouth.
"Loopy," Alex swallowed the thing practically whole. "I don't know if you can hear me, but this is awesome. Way better than the death carnival vibes," he looked around, remembering the terrifying carrousel with skeletons of forever attendees. "But what about the rides? Is it really a theme park without rides? And how do you stop Adventurers from gatecrashing?"
Lord Loopy laughed over the crystal-clear speakers. "You're still in the beginning! Come deeper and see for yourself!"
Alex sped up while the Dungeon Boss began singing a merry tune.
"Bounce and bob, mind your step, don't drop!
The rides go woo! And never stop!
Grab a cone, a prize, a dream,
The Dungeon Boss runs a family theme!
No swords! No tears! Just candy cheers!
The only thrill is fun, my dears!
So twist and twirl and shout hooray,
It's Lord Looooooooopy's brightest day!"
Confetti cannons hidden somewhere exploded and released a cloud of shiny paper to fall around him.
Licking chocolate off his lips, Alex rounded the corner, and for a moment expected to see the horror of a tilt-a-whirl with skeletons strapped in for their endless fun. Except the ride was gone.
Alex successfully supressed an internal groan. He didn't want to be species-ist, even if he would forever find them creepy. Stand there waiting was Lord Loopy's strongest Monsters, the Mascots of Wonderland, with one new addition.
[GrumbleSnout – Chief Hug Engineer]
[Nibbles – Head of Cotton Candy Quality Control]
The pair looked clean. Or cleaner than before, at least. Clearly, they had been patched up, probably power washed, and their waves were welcoming rather than threatening. They didn't charge him to rip out his teeth this time. The last Monster though, was so terrifyingly large that Alex skidded to a halt to stare up at it.
[Muffin – Safety Paladin]
"Holy you're a big lad, ain't ya?"
A twenty-foot-tall wall of patchwork waved happily at him. Bone pistons and roller coaster struts were fused together under pink paint. A massive bear-plush head, perfectly clean, smiled at him and sat on top of a back broad enough to park a car on. An extremely tight wonderland staff tank top stretched across a dense chest of metal and bone, while its legs were covered in tight cargo shorts. Strapped to Muffin's back was a great sword bigger than the monster itself, forged from fused coaster tracks that glowed pink and constantly dripped confetti.
Muffin spoke with the deepest voice Alex had ever heard. "Welcome. I am new here, and not a week old. My comrades tell me you saved our Dungeon and our Boss. For that, I am forever grateful. I hope that I fill the space of Peepums in their hearts."
Then with shocking delicacy, the giant curtsied with her tank top.
Alex realized that the tank top wasn't for branding. It was for modesty.
Oh. Muffin's a big lass.
"Big lass, then. My apologies." He held up his free hand.
"Yeah," Grumblesnout said nasally. "Thanks for saving our Boss! This time, no fittings for new smiles. Just real ones. For you that is."
"Damn," Alex nodded to them all, trying to not cower before the behemoth. "It's nice to meet you, Muffin. And it's good to see you guys again. I'm…I'm sorry about Peepums."
Lord Loopy's voice cracked out of the speakers. "Isn't SHE WONDERFUL? GORGEOUS. MAGESTIC. Awe-inspiring? She will ensure that no Adventurer ruins the fun on this side."
Muffin cracked her neck, which sounded like a spine cracking. "I have taken an oath to guard joy itself. To grant laughter to the willing, and silence to those who would steal it. Let all who seek fun find peace, and all who break it, find me. My oath is joy, and my wrath is play."
Alex whistled. "Ok, that's got to be the most terrifying mission statement I've ever heard."
"Are you ready for Loopy's newest coaster? First new ride in the world in twenty years, if our research is right." Grumblesnout asked while puffing. "Pretty special. Helped make it myself."
"Roller coaster?" Alex asked, jaw dropping. "Some of them work?!"
The Mascot's snout wiggled. "Well…we've tested them. I guess you'd be the first to really give it a go." He leaned in to whisper. "The Boss would really like it if you tried. He's been working day and night to get everything up and running."
Alex thought for a second. His belly was giving him the aye-okay, and really, he had never ridden a roller coaster before. The dinky one back in the orphanage days that make him puke didn't count. Far as he was aware, Post System, none of the massive theme parks of the before times were operational. Just the side road ones. Truthfully Alex was scared shitless of coasters. But this was Loopy's dream and way of healing.
"Yeah, what the hell," Alex said. "Let's do it."
Over the music, but not through the speakers, Alex heard Lord Loopy cheering from somewhere deep in this lair. The Dungeon Boss's joy was so raw it made Alex grin despite the terror of a brand new, untested coaster coming his way.
The Mascots and Muffin guided him through the midway. The music swelled with every step until the path opened into a clearing dominated by the single most insane roller coaster on the planet.
It loomed into the sky like a twisted mess, hundreds of feet high, with yellow tracks corkscrewing over and under, looping and twisting so tightly that Alex couldn't tell how it was going to go. There were countless loops, and splitting tracks, and jumps with floating pools of water, and candy floated around it. Essence also poured out of the construct of Lord Loopy. Alex didn't need [Burrow Sense] to feel it in the air. The crazy Boss had made a magical ride.
They passed under the sign, newly drawn in pink that read BETTER BEHEMOTH.
"Why are you shaking so much?" Muffin asked as they passed over the newly, well made passenger deck. "Every time I am around humans, they are always shaking in my presence. Are you scared?"
"Oh, that?" Alex thought for a second. "It's cold. yeah. Cold. I'm not scared. Are you guys scared? Why would I be scared? I love rollercoasters. Yeah."
Alex placed the warm pizza box down, and took a deep breath as he walked up to the ride. Muffin waited outside, not able to fit, while Nibbles and Grumblesnout jumped in and buckled in. The Mascots coming along looked at him and beckoned him over as Loopy's voice cracked out.
"All aboard! Please mind your hands and feet, because if you lose them, they will be integrated into Muffin. Ha! Kidding!"
The ride came alive, and Alex buckled in. He gulped and all the blood drained from his face. The ride was about to begin.
And from deep in the park, Lord Loopy activated a Skill he had never used before. Not since he had become a Dungeon Boss from the back storage all those years ago, when he was but a simple antique animatronic announcer forgotten to time. It had been too painful to cast, as he knew what it did. Now though, he was ready to use it.
[Joyous Enlightenment]