Dungeons & Deliveries - A Post Apocalypse Comedy Adventure [Book 1 Complete]

"Ugh. A little demon girlfriend. I'm jealous. There, I said it. Jealous." Mary took a viscous bite out of her second salmon and cream cheese bagel. She had practically swallowed the first whole. "She mark you or anything? Got her name carved into your spleen? Sounds fun." Alex's own stomach growled as he unraveled his own bagel BELT. Bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato, cheese, mayo, ketchup, with an everything bagel extra toasted, of course.

He shifted on the edge of her futon that was overloaded with grease-covered clothes, suddenly very aware of how exposed he felt even fully dressed. The BITE ME hoodie was stuffed into his bag of loot from last night, and he was clean after a very busy night. Mary had declared that his 'poverty hygiene routine' was officially over now that he was making the big bucks and had a date with a Boss. A food order, a shower, a toothbrushing monitored by Beepy, and a grouping into Mary's room later, and Alex was ready to tackle his list monstrous list of to dos. But first, a catch up over some delicious food.

"I didn't say she was my girlfriend," he said while sipping his coffee, which was more cream and sugar than anything else. Just how he liked it. It poured down his throat and warmed his empty stomach. "We're seeing where things go, you know?" His response also let him skip over her 'marking' comment. His Title, [Aftercare not Needed], hadn't been revealed to her like his new [Illusory Copy] had. Mary was convinced it came from Snu's proximity. But like most Skills, they could only guess and scour the forums for answers that were probably wrong. No one could ever really say where the rare and weird Skills came from.

[Aftercare Not Needed] wasn't revealed by Alex. It was a Mental Resistance buff, and those were rare enough to get him kidnapped. Probably by a psychotic internet user who hunted him down and kept him in a little cold room while feeding him mustard paste. It wasn't that he didn't trust Mary, but you didn't just reveal that. Especially not where he came from. Not when you grew up always watching your back and every good thing could be used against you.

"Well," Mary squinted her grey glass blind eyes at him over her bagel. "Your [Illusory Copy] is pretty damn cool. Beepy say's it's more handsome than you. And I trust Beepy's opinion on people. Going to be ridiculously useful on Dungeon deliveries." Alex shot the little bot a betrayed look.

"Beepy, what the hell, man?"

Beepy, who was curled around a nine volt battery like it was his child, gave a happy beep and rubbed his head against the copper top. Zippy sat on one of Mary's many desks, slumped in a tupperware container filled with watch batteries. Apparently the bots felt Mary's hangover too. The container even had a little paper towel draped over the side like a hotel towel.

Alex took a massive bite of his BELT bagel. The yolk exploded into his mouth and mixed with the crispy bacon, sweet tomato, enchanted permanently melty cheese, and a little zip of mayo and ketchup. He groaned and immediately took another big bite, filling his mouth. It was his favorite local breakfast spot, Egg Butt. They had their own little fancy app and delivered it in twenty minutes. They also made damn big bagel sandwiches. He looked up at Emilio while savouring the bite. Emilio didn't even look up as he demolished his plate of smoked salmon. It had cost Alex 200 Credits, but the giant cat was working through it like a fine-tuned machine, licking his lips between bites of feline smugness. Gone was the storm-swollen sky-beast. Back was the fat bastard he'd grown up with on the streets. Mary snapped him out of his thoughts of questioning the cat about the Garden Gnomes right then and there.

"So?" Mary asked while arching an eyebrow at him."What's the plan? Please don't say some fancy restaurant. Too basic. Way too basic, and they'd kick you out, anyways."

"I…hadn't really thought about it," Alex admitted between chews. "I figured we'd play it by ear. Maybe take a walk, check out the city–"

"Alex," she pointed at him with her bagel. "Arcade. Girls love arcades. Trust me, I am a girl. Arcades are peak date material. Nostalgic and a little violent. Everything a good relationship should be," she took another bite and continued with a full mouth. "Or axe throwing. Total power move."

"You're very confident about this."

"What can I say? I'm the player of our duo. You kno–,"

"Seen a lot of girls coming and going," Alex interrupted her this time. He was too curious about what happened between her and Jemin. "That done now? Since you're obviously in love with Jemin?"

"Ugh. God, his lizard ass is so hot." Mary collapsed onto her back onto a heap of her clothes and next to the loot tips he'd decided to use later that afternoon. Alex hated cultivating Cores. Most people did. It wasn't some meditative process that took weeks under a magical tree in a hidden and protected valley. It was messy and painful and Alex was happy that Mary had offered to help with that and the Stink Scrub, along with Alex's own plan later with the Cursed Bracelet later that night. They had discussed it after Alex's shower and before the food had come.

"So did anything happen with you two?" He tried to sound casual but ended up sounding like a racoon discovering a shiny button. "I mean, you were swooooning when I was there."

Mary groaned and buried her face into the crook of her elbow. "Alex. That's personal business. Stay in your weird delivery boy lane. That's adult busine–"

"I'm just saying, I didn't think you were one for the whole tall, dark, and scaled thing. It was kind of a moment. An awakening for you, if you will."

"I said mind your business!" she growled from her pile of laundry before giving up the goods. "But if you have to know…Damned good with that forked tongue. Even after I had…what was it, Beepy? Eight tequila shots?"

Beepy let out a mechanical groan and dramatically rolled onto his back, lego arms flailing. Zippy shut the lid of Tupperware over himself. Alex choked on his coffee and coughed into his arm. "Jesus, Mary." Mary laughed loudly.

"I had to. You were pressing and I had to," she calmed herself and continued. "Thanks for the breakfast by the way."

Alex shrugged and finished off the last of his bagel sandwich. "You do realize I'm now your Employer, right? You shouldn't tell me those things. But it's no problem. Cost way more than I thought it would, though. Why the hell is food so expensive? Did they start charging more for flavour or something? Nino's is way cheaper."

Stolen story; please report.

"You got Emilio two pounds of smoked salmon, dude." Mary looked uneasily at Emilio chomping away like a king at his plate of fish. Alex had let her know about the Garden Gnomes too. And the floating. And the potential of sucking up of the storm magic. She was definitely keeping her distance from him, but if Emilio noticed, he didn't let them know.

…"Yeah, that's fair," Alex flowed into something they hadn't addressed yet, as it was top of mind as breakfast for them had cost him over 300 Credits. Plus, of course he tipped the sweaty Goblin teen wearing the little Egg Butt t-shirt an extra 100, as he was an industry man now. Had to pass on the love. The clearly young and overly pimply Goblin had glowed and skipped back to his delivery scooter. Alex felt great, but his thinning System wallet clung to his soul. "Okay. Sales. How'd they go with the first loot batch?"

Mary licked cream cheese off her thumb. "Ok, you're going to love this. So me and Jemin obviously took half for our–"

"Half?" Alex choked.

"--and then there's taxes, so really your cut is 45% of sales. But!" She held up a finger from where she lay down. "We sold all that leftover junk loot to some real dumbass Krushers. Said they needed it for some expansion. Trying to fight off some other Clan called The Expanders. Shit name."

"The…Expanders? Wait, aren't they real estate themed? Always trying to buy up plots of land and throw up shoe boxes? Tons of real estate agents that just party in other people's places? Constantly talking about how great of a time it is to buy? Like…it's literally all they talk about. And all their investment properties? Those Expanders?"

"One of them wouldn't shut the hell up about Dungeon zoning laws. Like, bro, I'm just here trying to sell you some Golden teeth and some enchanted cologne. I don't care about your mortgage-based Clan shit."

Alex leaned forward. "Go back. I don't care who buys the stuff. Half?"

"Yes, half! We didn't discuss percentages, Alex. And we did all the work while you were canoodling with your Boss girlfriend. Which, honestly, another power move. You're going to shit yourself. There's still a couple things too from that first shift. And whatever you got last night. You want your Credits or not?"

"I mean…, yeah. Shoot it over." Alex responded. Mary pointed her finger sharply and Alex heard the faint little ping of a Credit transfer. Alex's mouth fell to the floor.

Oh my…Oh yes. We are definitely going shopping. I need some clothes for my date…and Emilio needs a new extra large cat condo.

[Credits: 824 -> 2342]

"Taxes already paid too. Look at that. Isn't it beautiful? Cash. Well," Mary waved her hand in the air. "Credits. But same thing." It was more money than Alex had ever seen in his entire life. He could get Emilio a cat condo and a reinforced scratching post. He could have enough money for rent, and his date with Snu to boot. He'd finally be able to buy another pair of pants. Maybe even a real dental cleaning.

Things are looking up.

"Alex?" Mary snapped her fingers at him. "Are you about to start crying or something? I am uncomfortable with having to deal with that. No crying in Mary's room. No."

"What? No. I'm fine. Totally fine." His voice cracked like a thirteen-year old's.

Mary sat up and even though she couldn't see him, she looked at him through Zippy's camera. "I'm kidding. You're allowed to feel things, you know. Just don't start writing forum posts about financial freedom." A thought hit Alex.

"It's a lot, Mary," he said. "More than I've ever seen! Can you…take me clothes shopping?"

"Sure thing, hot stuff," Mary winked. "Weirdest thing, though. Those Krushers? They thought I would sell Zippy. Offered a thousand for him. Crazy right?"

SKREE! Zippy shrieked and slammed the lid of his battery filled tupperware down again, sealing himself inside like a hermit crab under siege. Beepy let out a tragic whirr and hugged his battery tighter as if Mary was sending them off to be executed.

"Oh my god," Mary sighed. "Relax, you two. You're not going anywhere. Would never sell you, well," she pointed at Beepy. "Maybe you if you don't get your act together." Beepy turned his back on her, flipping his lego arms around. Mary groaned. "And stop acting hungover! You get that from me! From my [Bot Link] Skill! And I feel great after those bagels." Both bots let out little beeps of protest.

Then a sharp rip of lightning exploded through the room and blinded Alex. A bolt of white energy erupted out of Emilio's eyes like a solar burp and slapped directly into both bots with a sound like someone elbow dropping a microwave. The room flashed as Zippy's tub flipped off the desk and Beepy launched a foot in the air before landing on his back like a stunned tortoise. Alex and Mary both jumped.

They both sat motionless for a second. Alex was staring at Emilio, who was licking his paw clean over his finished meal. Just an extremely fat gray cat who just hosed two pounds of smoked salmon. Alex had had enough with the cat's mischief. He crossed his arms as Beepy and Zippy quickly scooted to hide in Mary's lap. "Ok, Mr. You wanna tell me what the hell is going on with you and the Garden Gnomes?"

Emilio paused mid-lick. The cat turned to meet Alex's eyes. They were far too knowing, like all cat's eyes were. There was something smug and ancient there, and Alex had the distinct and strange thought that when the world finally ended, cat's wouldn't just survive, they'd be the ones judging the aftermath and be crowned the real winners. The cat that had stuck by his side for so many years had changed in so many ways, but Alex felt no danger from Emilio. Just consideration.

"Emilio," the cat just met his eyes as if considering. "I know you can understand me. What the hell are you doing with the Gnomes?"

Emilio gave himself one final and deliberately slow lick of his paw. Regally. Then he got to his feet with a grunt to stretch his abundant girth. The cat stretched, popping joints, and flicked his tail. Then with a soft meow that was more a grumble, Emilio turned and nodded his head toward the door like a retired king and pattered out of Mary's room.

"Did he just gesture?" Alex asked the bots. They gave little affirmative beeps.

"Follow the fat cat, I guess." Mary suggested.

The group followed the chubby guide. Mary carried Beepy and Zippy closely followed behind her right shoulder. They passed the ancient, haunted, and barely holding itself together Ikea bookshelf they weren't allowed to move. Down the stairs and towards the kitchen Emilio went, which was still covered in cereal, chips, and pungent alcohol. Emilio strutted to the back door that went to the backyard. He sat and stared. With a dramatic flick of his paw, the cat launched a little lightning bolt that zapped the bolt holding the door shut. The door creaked open and Emilio shoved himself out far too quickly for one so plump.

Alex stepped and peered out into the overgrown backyard he barely remembered was there.

"Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me." He said.

The Gnomes waiting there, in the overgrown backyard with wildflowers, moldy lawn chairs, and a self cleaning cigarette butt pot named Ron, were already chanting while bowing to Emilio.

"RULER OF SUN AND SHADE! SUN AND SHADE! ALL WILL BE OURS UNDER THE SUN AND SHADE!"

Alex sighed. He did not have enough time in the day for all this.