DIE TRYING [A Roguelite Extraction LitRPG]

Chapter 41



"I would be what you would refer to as a demon lord. Specifically, the Grand Duke of the Third Circle of hell, supreme commander of the Gallanar Legion, protector of the Everflame Bridge, yada yada, old history before my current... ahh, employment. How the mighty have fallen, ecetera ecetera." The demon cut a small cake in half, then forked it into his mouth, eyes closed savering it. "And as it so happens, you and I have a common enemy: The troglodyte living inside my basement." He stopped, then waved a fork at him. "Yes, it's my basement, I pay the bills and she's an unwelcome pest I have to deal with, a bit like a raccoon you can't evict. But together, we're going to make her life hell." He then forked the other half of the cake into his mouth and continued talking while chewing, shrugging his shoulders. "Or preferably murder her, I'm not picky, I'll take what I can get."

"I thought you were her butler?"

Zin laughed, "Contracted to her. Terrible deal by the way, basically indentured servant to just about everything she could ask for, but she offered a way out and I was short on options. Remember the serrated knives waiting for me back home? Little bit of a problem back then."

"Wait, hang on. If you're a dem-"

"Archdemon."

"-on general, why are you so afraid of your own people knowing about you?" Wade asked.

"If any of the common born yokels heard a high blood like me is still kicking rocks," He tapped his next dessert plate, scooting it forward closer. "And eating nice things like this while they're probably starving or fighting for their lives, well if I were in their shoes, I'd be looking to rectify that glaring issue personally." The fork dove into the coffee pastry and took a small chunk. Zin looked at the tiny portion, then at the rest of the tiramisu, gave up on the fork and shoveled the entire pastry in one happy gulp. "Also a lot of mortals are into collecting powerful servants like you would magic the gathering cards - yes I do know about those thank you, they make good money. Made my final years in Azdrial a little bit uncomfortable."

Wade narrowed his eyes. "What's going on in hell? A revolution that ousted you?"

"Think less 'political coup' and more 'everything's on fire, time to abandon ship.'" He stopped, hummed, then waved his fork at Wade a few times. "Well, more on fire than usual. So, not just me, but I saw the signs on the walls and err, left early before the situation blew up on my face."

Play had mentioned Azdrial had calamities besides the sun being blown up but that seemed a little extreme. "Hell collapsed?"

"If it simply collapsed that'd actually fix so many issues. No, we got invaded and kicked out. Remember Play's little history lesson about blackrot rifts everywhere? The infernal realm got the premium package - maybe that realm was closer to wherever the blackrot comes from. While the mortal realm dealt with a few million invaders, we had hundred millions. Slight difference in difficulty you see. Mortal races survived and then all worked together to seal off hell and bada-bing bada-boom, crisis averted! My entire race is now homeless but hey, at least the mortals are safe. Mostly. Probably. The seal is the most jank bit of desperation I've ever seen. Mortals, you know?"

Zin paused as he chewed through another dessert on his plate, this time some kind of custard cream mixed inside a cake. The happy munching noises he made felt like the demon was having a grand time. "Mmmh. Absolutely divine." The fork lifted up and waggled at Wade, "Do you know we don't have eggs in Azdrial? Mana's too toxic for anything with hollow bones to exist, so no chickens or anything like that. Best we got are reptile eggs, and those do not do the job. I don't think you really understand just how much of your human cooking revolves around the use of eggs. Can't imagine cooking a cake without eggs now. Plus spices and salt don't grow on trees either, while you humans can buy just about everything off amazon and have it delivered to your doorstep. Night and day difference."

He coughed, then finished off his cake. And licked the plate clean before adding it to the stack. "Now, where was I in the story? Oh right. My favorite part! Payment."

Zin raised a finger first before Wade could ask what the demon was trying to say. "Ah-ah-ah, Mr. Wade. I know you want more specific answers but aren't we're forgetting one itty bitty - but-ever-so-important - tiny little detail? Archdemon. Our entire shlick is making deals and contracts, so my insider's guide to Azdrial doesn't come free with a signed and kissed photo."

It was exactly what Play had told him would happen. Which meant Wade knew he already had what he needed to trade with this demon. The mage learning pack was back home, probably hidden under his blankets by accident. And so was the ring, likely somewhere in the carpet right now.

Wade considered the world a bit more, wanting to see if he could get anything out of the butler before payment was due. "Rough world."

"You don't know the half of it." The butler said, fork waving at him while he chewed down another pastry. "Play isn't joking when she said Azdrial is doomed and has thirty thousand creatively unique ways of killing you, just by accident. And she's not going to tell you what to look out for or how to prepare, because it's more entertaining to see you run headfirst into it all and overcome it yourself. On the other hand, I have more grounded realistic motivations I think we can see eye to eye on. I don't just look humanoid out of choice Mr. Wade. Primal essence comes with different rules to your flesh and blood body."

"...What are you looking for? My soul or something in exchange?"

The butler burst out laughing all at once, coughed, swallowed, then laughed again. "First off cupcake, your soul would taste terrible. Like truely and horribly foul. You're the kind that wouldn't have been sent down to hell in the first place, so nooooo thank you. Go kill a few hundred in cold blood or let a few thousand die for your own personal profit - and then we can talk seasoning." Zin waved his hands, "Also that many years out of hell, our diet adapted from souls of the morally bankrupt and those judged wanting, to the more mundane mana crystals. Of which you'll notice Earth has a distinct lack of. Plenty of CEO's and private equity firms to keep me alive out here, sure, but I need actual mana in the same way you need vitamins instead of ramen each day. Even if I take a few decades to reshape my essense back into something that mostly subsists on souls, I'll still need a little bit of juice to keep going anyhow. Not worth the hassle when I've got a more reliable replenishment source than little miss mountain dew goddess."

"Market's blessing. You want me to ferry mana back here for you."

"Bingo bango kiddo, and knowledge isn't all I've got to offer for the shiny Azdrial trinkets you bring back." The butler said, midway through chewing some kind of ice-cream cake next. "I'm also available for bribery, artifact identification, item procurement on earth, setting up LLC or any legal paperwork you require, general handyman, and even teaching you magical item crafting. I know a lot of interesting trivia, as it so happens."

Wade immediately had one single thought: "Can you get me a gun?"

Zin smiled wide, then wagged a finger at him approvingly. "Now there's a solid use of my abilities! Absolutely can do that my friend, my valued customer! But expedited service comes with expedited fees." He tapped the white plate with his spoon a few times, humming. "What have you got to bargain with, or future goodies to send my way?"

Wade could sense a bad deal when he saw one. All his years of scrounging around for coupons and discounts rose up in one giant warning wave. "I'm not broke enough I can't find the first shop out there and get a gun."

He had savings. Not a ton, but there was enough in the budget to get himself something. And Play's ideas of taking out quick loans or credit cards made him feel sick on the inside, but it could be done if needed.

Zin smiled wide, then turned to the wide windows and waved a hand at the city beyond. "Mr. Wade, look outside. Do you see cowboys, mega-churches, and a Walmart gun counter every three blocks?"

"Uh, no?"

"Because we're not in Texas champ, we're in California! That means ten day mandatory waiting period, background check and written firearm certificate required. Trust me, I know. You either have a nice friendly dealer like me with connections, or you wait for the government to decide if you're mentally stable enough to own a peashooter. Not as big of a hurdle as you'd think, but paperwork is paperwork."

Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

Wade sighed, this might be more difficult than he thought. Ten days was a long time to wait. Which meant he'd need to either find back alleyway deals or...

How difficult would mana potions be to get a hold of? Maybe it wouldn't be that difficult. A few bits of calculation, he decided to drop the subject for now. One day without a gun wouldn't be the end of the world after all. Play had also predicted he wouldn't be able to get good stuff, and suggested a crossbow instead. Plus if he were going to pay up mana potions, why not just go for the direct route: "Could you heal people yourself directly? I know you're a dem-"

"Archdemon."

"-on, but I'm sure you know about mana and how to use it?"

"Hard pass." The demon waved his hands dismissively, "Holy aligned mana is terrible for my complexion. And organs. And general existence. At best I could do nature aligned mana, but that's not fixing any of your problems."

"Fine." Wade took a breath, this was going exactly like Play had told him it would. Then... "I've got a magic healing ring. I'll trade you a mana potion if you teach me how to use it."

Zin stopped dead in his tracks, even his chewing stopped. His eyes slowly turned to stare Wade down. "… and how did you know to get all that? Because I know for a fact you didn't bring a lick of gear back with you after your unfortunate demise against a certain golem."

"That'll cost you to know."

Zin started laughing, "Well, well well, look at you Mr. Wade, already getting the hang of this."

"Do you want the mana potion or not?" Wade pressed.

The demon chewed his food, swallowed. Then contemplated, opened his mouth and shoved some more cake into it, still thinking. "All right, fine, twist my arm why don't you." He finally said, still chewing. "And I'm only teaching you simple things, practice all you want in Azdrial where you can kick rocks without issue, but here on earth I need you, you know, alive as my fence for unfinished business back home." He swallowed the last bit of his cake, with an audible gulp. "No dangerous shenanigans here. We in agreement?"

"Agreed. When do we start?"

"When I'm done with my food. Relax mortal, learn to enjoy the small things in life, sheesh." Zin went to work on the last pastry on the table, fork slicing the cake into four parts before he lifted the entire plate up to his mouth, and rapidly catapulted all four pieces into his gullet with his fork. "You free around 5pm today? I can come by your apartment and we can start a quick lesson there."

Wade groggy mind made a few mental calculations, recalculated the time he should go to sleep, and juggled the schedule around, adding a naps in the storage closet during his lunch time for tomorrow's morning truck shift. The result lined up well enough. "Five works."

He'd need to wake up early tomorrow for the truck shift, which lined up well with his prior graveyard shift. Meant hitting the bed around 8 to 9pm, for a minimum of four to five hours of sleep.

The butler hummed happily, clearing his throat with a long drink of his second to last coffee cup, the empty plates getting stacked into his increasing hoard. The amount of food this man had outright inhaled was already inhuman given his size and frame.

Given it was currently 1pm, Wade had four more hours before five, in which to do shopping for supplies and gear to handle tomorrow's problems. Assuming he does get yanked back into Azdrial at night. Guns might not be available just yet, but there were plenty of other things he could go buy. Maybe he could ask...

Oh. Shit, he realized he hadn't anyone's contact information. "Do you know if I can send a message to Illy or Leon? I don't know how to get in touch with them."

The butler shook his head, "What do I look like, the yellow pages? If you didn't get their contact info, you're out of luck right now. Try Instagram or whatever you mortals use to stalk each other these days. Might work with the Scot girl."

Wade tried remembering what her last name was. Blackwell-Vanclair? No, that didn't sound right. Blackwood, or Blackbell. It had black in it, he was sure about that. And there was some other name combined too. He tried to muster up his groggy mind, now feeling acutely aware of the malnutrition debuff giving him brain fog. It was frustrating, he knew if he'd simply tried to pay more attention to it, he would have remembered right this moment. But instead, he hadn't even thought about Earth yet.

And Leon... he didn't even know Leon's last name. Searching for a retired boxer in Las Vegas was going to be difficult. Maybe they had old records he could lookup by name?

Maybe they'd look him up instead? He'd told them his full name... but he also hadn't logged into any social media in the last few years and his old gaming PC had his passwords, and he wasn't even sure if he'd put his full name in those or just used his gamer profile instead. His laptop was a craigslist garbage find that did the bare minimum. It got him job interviews, and let him look around for new gigs to do.

"Don't beat yourself up bub." Zin said, sipping the coffee. "Azdrial's got the communication setup of a post-apocalyptic wasteland, which, coincidentally, is exactly what it is. Terrible reception, no reason to ask or give your number out. I didn't even think of it myself, so can't blame you for that. Plus, pretty sure your little friends died shortly after you lot got seperated, so real small window of time in hindsight. 'hey can I get your number' doesn't come up during the whole running-for-your-life bit."

"Nice." Wade sighed. "I'm being consoled by a dem-"

"Archdemon."

"-on." Wade coughed, "Archdemon."

"This one time, it's pro-bono. And don't forget my title. I didn't claw my way up from the bottom just to be called some run-of-the-mill demon. That's like calling a Ferrari a Honda - technically both cars, but come on."

Wade sat back in his chair, watching. "About that. How did Play bind an archdemon to be her butler? How strong of a god is she? Or are demon-"

Zin gave him a very pointed glare.

"... archdemons, are they... uh, weak?" He realized the answer was likely 'No.' but his mouth had already been set on the warpath.

"Take a wild guess. Really shoot for the stars on it." The man took his final cup of coffee and downed it in one gulp, then set it down on the table with finality, head looking up to stare Wade eye to eye. There wasn't a grin anymore on his face, just pure serious focus. "I could crush any lesser god at my prime and still have room for brunch. Especially a half-starved dying divinity like her with zero followers left alive. Gods ain't all that's cracked up to be, divine magic cheats the rules a bit, but nothing raw power can't overwhelm." Zin leaned back in his seat with a satisfied sigh. "As for where Play got all her new power from, or how she managed to bait the System itself into this whole thing, that'll be one of those little nuggets I aim to get paid first for."

"She what?"

But Zin bulldozed right by him. "Now, time is money here, literally speaking. So I'll have to cut this conversation short while I get back to making it before eight ticks. Got my own personal goals, schemes, expensive hobbies and so forth. I mean have you seen how many Michelin-star restaurants there are in LA? Not that I'm counting. One hundred seventy eight, by the way." He stood up, chair creaking behind him as he cleaned and patted his mouth with a handkerchief. "Coffee was lovely, see you at eight with your end of the bargain and we'll have a grand old time for my end of the deal. If you would, your address?"

"How do I know I can trust you on this?" Wade asked, as the butler scooted his chair in, and took a picture of the warfield he'd left behind on the table.

"Please Mr. Wade. I'm a professional." The demon said, hardly bothering to look anywhere else than sorting the pictures on his phone. "We're the only ones who actually honor our contracts to the letter. My kind get a very undeserved reputation, especially now since none of us have our old job anymore."

Photos done, he put the phone back in his inner pocket, then extended a hand to shake Wade's. "One mana potion to be paid in exchange for general lessons on magic and how to use your ring. Deal?"

Wade looked back at the archdemon disguised as a human, and decided this wasn't actually the strangest thing he'd seen considering yesterday night.

It could still be some kind of trap or scam. But Play herself had told him this was the path to healing his family. She'd predicted everything, right down to Zin trying to betray her by looking for him. And for that one moment of lucidity in her eyes, Wade felt like she'd meant it.

He reached out and shook the hand.

New Personal Quest Added: Actual bargain with an Ex-(Arch)demon Lord - Offer Zin'Cronox'Ulasem'Yadrathar'Gallanar'Gee sources of mana in exchange for goods and services. Rewards: Knowledge.


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