DIE TRYING [A Roguelite Extraction LitRPG]

Wade walked before clear glass doorways leading to a small coffee shop and took a deep breath, preparing for what lay beyond.

Play's butler had ran out of time and needed to go to the bakery for an errand, so he'd told Wade to come visit after his shift was done. The original suggestions had been ludicrous restaurants, but they'd settled on a coffee shop instead.

Zinny had been a little upset to hear Wade didn't have a car, or a bike, and had to walk or use the bus to get anywhere. That apparently limited the number of coffee shops down to what was in walking range, up until the butler remembered a 'small quaint little place' that had been on his to-do list.

"Small and quaint he says." Wade muttered, looking up at the artisanal sign burned into an oak branch.

Ember & Heirloom

It was a full real oak branch, a thick thing held on two iron rods. Looked professionally handmade, and expensive. A glance inside made his wallet curl up in fear.

All the chairs here were made of oak slabs, balanced on that same black metal cast-iron unpolished look. Even the tables were equally oak wood cut and glazed over.

This was the right time, and the right place, so Wade walked through the incredibly fancy space he clearly did not belong in.

It looked ten times out of his usual budget range, and the four people inside eating were all wearing full tailored suits with briefcases. One of them was in the back, a small stack of coffee cups stacked up like a small jenga tower.

Zinny.

The man noticed him right away, and waved him on over.

"So." Wade said, sitting down. "Zinny."

"Wait-wait-wait," Zinny held a hand up, then pointed around. "Between you, me, and all these ridiculously overpriced cappuccinos - that lovely little nickname isn't exactly accurate. Just our mutual friend's contribution to my ongoing indignity." The man brought out a suitcase, and pulled out a piece of paper with red ink. Wade felt something off about it, the way the ink seemed to blot on the parchment paper.

"What's this?" Wade asked, although he had a gut feeling about it. He'd already seen and read enough DnD stories to make a few guesses.

"Magically binding NDA," The butler said with a shrug. "Cost me an arm and a leg to enchant. Well, someone's arm and leg, anyways. Sign this sucker and we can actually talk."

It smelled slightly of sulfur, and the pen Zinny slid neatly next to it looked more like a needle tip. The words weren't english, but Wade's blessings let him read it completely. A blink and it all made sense.

This Non-Disclosure Agreement (hereinafter referred to as "the Agreement") is entered between the undersigned party (hereinafter referred to as "the Mortal") and the entity known in this plane of existence through various appellations (hereinafter referred to as "the Entity").

WHEREAS, the Mortal has become privy to certain metaphysical, ethereal, and occult information regarding the Entity's true nature, designation, and origins;

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants and conditions contained herein, and by the powers that govern both above and below, the parties hereby agree as follows:

Wade read through the long list of gibberish points, and realized it was just an extremely wordy way of saying… "You want me to never mention any detail about you to anyone else?" He put the paper down, "That's it?"

"Mike my friend, I'd be a bit of an idiot to spend all this time and energy writing a contract you don't want to sign. Do I look like an idiot to you? Don't answer that unless it's nice."

"It's Wade. Only my sister gets to call me Michael."

It had started up in high school when there were three other Michael's running around, so they'd started using his last name. It had oddly stuck.

The butler waved his hands off. "Mr. Wade then, let's talk overheads - specifically, keeping mine attached to my shoulders. I'm, shall we say, very popular back home, lots of people know my name and I may or may not know with absolute certainty some of my old friends and colleagues are just dying to arrange a very touching reunion. With serrated knives. So before we proceed, I need some assurance that my new favorite-little-mortal running around isn't something I have to consider putting stitches in. Capiche?"

Wade looked over the contract again. It didn't mention punishment for breach of contract, only that he wouldn't be physically able to reveal any of Zinny's information, neither through words, hints, or any other option that involved knowingly passing information. And if he had to talk about the butler to anyone else, it would be just "Play's butler" or just "butler" without any other context about their dealings allowed.

...

Magical binding contract, made of parchment that felt like outright skin.
A nameplate floating above the butler showing Level 86 Greater Infernal Essence.
This had to be some kind of demon from hell.

Which meant he needed to be real careful with faustian bargains. But it could be done, Play wouldn't have sent him here otherwise. "Are you a demon? A demon butler?"

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, jumping straight to the wild allegations!" The butler stopped midway through his next cup of coffee. "What's with everyone and calling me a demon? First off - rude. You don't just drop the D-word like that. Second, even if I was, I wouldn't tell you until that contract's signed and back safely in my briefcase."

"Uh huh. You realize the System's telling me you're a Level 86 Greater Infernal Essence. Want to explain?"

"Just 86 really? Feeling a little insulted here, I would have thought I'd rank higher. Certainly could have ripped apart some of your earlier spider troubles with ease, although the golem would be a little above my pay grade."

"And the infernal essence?"

The butler smiled. "Eh, details. The System's got a funny way of categorizing things, real creative with the labeling. 'Greater Infernal Essence' - what's that even mean, right? Could be a cologne for all we know."

Wade stayed silent for a moment, waiting to see if the butler would say anything more. Zinny instead went back to looking over the menu, humming to himself. A minute passed, but the man didn't so much as care, fully absorbed in reading the assorted items.

"You realize I'm going to spend some time reading this over right?" Wade wasn't going to get suckered into anything with fine print, he'd learned his lessons the hard way.

The butler waved him off, as if it didn't matter. "Take your time reading it, the devil's in the details, as they say. If anything, I would appreciate you giving me some more time between me and these lovely little hidden treasures." His fingers tapped the coffee shop's extended menu. "Got some, shall we say, 'market research' to conduct. Happy you reminded me this place existed, slipped off my radar and everything. Who knows, might find some genuine gems in here."

The stack of consumed coffee cups by the butler's side made Wade suspect the odd manic man had already found what he'd been looking for and anything coming after was extra credit.

And as it turned out, 'market research' was ordering one of everything. Wade had never seen anyone turn to the waitress and order everything on the menu, but it really was a thing that could happen. The owner asked him to pay up front first before they followed through on that, which Zinny agreed without batting an eye. The cheque returned at more than Wade made from his biweekly pay. Zinny added twenty five percent tip, signed it and leaned back to enjoy his coffee while the meals started rolling in.

Wade took his time to reread the contract three more times, and each time he ended with the same result. During that time the stack of empty coffee cups was slowly expanded to a stack of empty dishes. The butler refused for any of them to be taken away, wanting a 'trophy' picture at the end of all this instead.

There wasn't any gotcha Wade could see in the contract. Everything was too specific to have any loophole, neither for nor against him.

"So kiddo." Zinny took one sip of a cup then gave a satisfied sigh, before looking over to Wade. "Are we ready to continue or did you want me to order you a magnifying glass?"

Wade set the parchment down, and looked at the butler dead on. "What's in it for me if I sign this contract? I'm not seeing anything."

Zinny stopped halfway through another sip, then slowly put it down, and brought a finger to clean one of his ears. "Come again? I don't think I heard that right champ," He flicked the imaginary earwax off to the side. "It sounded like you asked me for something back? Couldn't possibly be that."

Stolen story; please report.

Wade powered through, mustering his groggy head into gear. "You came to visit me at the gas station. That means you need me for something." He then pointed at the stack of empty plates, and then at the immaculate looking tailored suit the butler wore. "And whoever you are here on this world, it's pretty clear you're loaded as hell."

Zinny stared at him, the sharkline grin never leaving his face. "What, you want a build-a-bear plush prize for following the most basic etiquette?"

"No, how about you help pay off some of my issues or sweeten the pot here for me?"

"Ah. Money." The grin went wider. "First, I can smell desperation off a human from miles away Mr. Wade. You have something you want from me, don't know what just yet, but a little bird in my stomach is just jumping up and down about it." He took a toothpick and started working on his teeth, waiting.

Play had told him he'd do anything for mana potions. Which means... "It's not for free. You want me to go into Azdrial and bring back things for you, right? If I'm well stocked and don't have my time sucked away back here on earth, I'd be better equipped to bring back the things you want."

He continued to clean his teeth with the toothpick, hardly paying attention. "Riveting case Mr. Wade. Are you finished?"

"How is this not persuading you?"

Zinny flicked the toothpick, smacked his lips, then grinned. "Oh that's easy. I don't need to do anything. You're out of your depth and you know it. I'm not. Perfectly happy to leave this table and wait till you come crawling back." Two fingers walked off the table as he spoke, the butler clearly having fun with it. "And you will. Either because Play drives you insane, or you need hints and an actual, you know, guide into Azdrial. Something she should be doing. You think that NEET menace is gonna help you out with anything?" He shook his head, then looked over at the contract. "Mr. Wade, this is one of the most fair and balanced deals I've ever written down for a mortal. Almost puked writing it as a matter of fact, practically allergic to writing fair deals. Congenital issue, can't be helped."

"Fair? This is a one-sided contract. You're asking me to get gagged, and there's not a single thing I'm getting back besides being able to talk to you. Play might not help for jack squat, but at least I know with enough bribes I can convince her to help. Which means I don't need you as much as you think."

He was completely bluffing of course, but the butler didn't need to know that.

Zinny kept staring at him for a moment. Then gave a few sardonic Ha's. "What this neat little security accord is asking is something you would do out of standard professional courtesy among my people, Mr. Wade, but I can't trust a random human to know decorum if they hit them face first, hence this agreement to make absolutely certain. It's got nothing to do with screwing you over, and everything to do with making sure you don't screw me over by accident, got that?"

"If it's standard professional courtesy, where's the part where you do the same for me?" Wade asked.

Zinny set the toothpick down on the napkin. "Fine-fine, I can assure you I have no wish to disclose your identity to anyone who would wish you ill, but if you want that in writing, we can amend the contract." One of his fingers lifted up, then tapped the parchment. Wade saw writing start to appear like ink surfacing from the bottom of a pool. Zinny shuddered, then flicked his hand a few times as if trying to shake it free of dirty water. "Oof, not exactly pleasant even if it was already implied. I'm not joking with you about fair deals giving my kind the conniptions."

Wade looked over the added paragraph, finding it about the same mirror to Zinny's section.

"Happy now? Just looking at that deal is making me break out in cold sweat. Look," He pointed over his throat, "Even getting hives from this. The things I do..." The butler did, in fact, have a small rash starting to appear on his neck.

"Are you allergic to paper or something? I can tell you're not human, but how would a fair deal give you hives?" Had to be something hell related. He wondered if the demon would hint at that or not.

Zinny hummed. "How to explain it... You ever stand at the top of a big cliff, and look down? That feeling of vertigo right? Or seeing a spider with too many legs and way too big for you to be anywhere near the same zip code?" He even put his hands together and wiggled the fingers around like a spider crawling over the table. "That's a human-only issue if you think about it. Birds don't fear heights, and see spiders as a tasty treat. It's not impossible for you to sit next to a giant spider, but I'd bet quite a few of these charming deserts here that it's not going to be easy. Unless you're Australian, but are they really human? Science still hasn't found conclusive evidence on that yet." He coughed in his white glove. "Anyhoo, that's what's happening to me. I'm sitting next to a spider with one too many hairy legs, and you're the spider-eating bird. The food and drinks here are serving as a lovely distraction for me at least."

"But you have to admit helping me out would help you out in the future, right?" Wade pressed.

"Maybe yes, maybe no. Jury's still out on that one, Mr. Wade." He waved his cup around, black liquid within splashing dangerously off the sides, but somehow landing all back inside. "Look, I'm not saying the deal train stops here, but here's a little free advice from someone who's been in this business since before your great-great-great-grandmother was a twinkle in someone's eye: magically binding contracts? It's not a grocery list, Mr. Wade. Keep them simple, keep them clean. We're talking one, maybe two very specific items - not some bloated political monstrosity stuffed with every pet project and kickback scheme this side of Washington. Trust me, kiddo, you do NOT want to overcomplicate a magically binding contract with unnecessary fluff. Standard 'don't let us both die to stupidity' clause, and we can hash out the rest later like civilized beings."

Wade held his breath, but deflated soon after. He really did need help. Demon or not, Zinny was who Play had told him could teach how to use the healing ring. She didn't often give him direct advice, but when she did it was important. Plus, either the butler was a world-class actor, or he was actually feeling physically ill in some way by being next to this contract.

He supposed having at least a reverse clause in here to protect himself was the best he could get out of the contract. He looked it over one more time, just out of paranoia's sake and verified it remained the same as before so he wasn't getting rolled into the dirt or scammed.

When he picked up to sign the agreement, nothing came out of the pen. He tried it a few more times, testing it on a napkin before Zinny tapped the tabletop to get his attention. "Hate to be that guy - actually, no, I rather love being that guy - But you're going to need something a bit more... binding than ink. Tradition, can't be helped and all that."

Wade looked up, eyebrow raised up. The sharp occult looking pen, red ink everywhere, the parchment's look and feel... "You want me to sign this in my blood or something?"

"You catch on so quick, I could just shed a tear right now." Zinny said, wiping off an imaginary one off the side of his eye, then tapped his wrist, showing Wade how to use the pen. "And speaking of that, time is money, so how about you be a good mortal accomplice and sign on the dotted line here?" He walked two fingers over the table until his index reached the dotted line and tapped it a few times over.

Wade sighed, on one hand this whole deal felt beyond sleazy. On the other hand - that it even felt that way meant Zinny didn't believe he needed to hide anything about his intentions. An actual contract that could have been dangerous would have appeared far more innocent.

The man seemed to enjoy the theater of it even. And Wade did need to know more about what the hell was going on around here.

It was a little prick of blood in the end, just a small stab that hardly hurt. The blood flowed down the needle and remained there, pooling unnaturally. Wade brought it to the paper and started signing, watching as the blood drop sank into the parchment without a single smear. It flashed red for a moment, then cooled off and Wade felt something shackle around his soul.

Zinny took one more sip of his coffee, smiling deeply as if savoring it, then set it down and gave a businesslike nod.

"The name's Zin'Cronox'Ulasem'Yadrathar, pleasure to officially meet you and all that - and before you ask, yes, the first apostrophe is silent, the rest aren't. Zin works just fine if my full name's too long for you to say. I also accept Mr. Cronox, your lordship, buddy, pal, best friend, amigo - just for the love of everything unholy - not that other name if you would be so kind Mr. Wade."

"Not going to say the 'D-word' like you mentioned earlier, but your full name really isn't helping the case." Wade said.

Zin smiled deeply. "Well that's because you're generally right, just wrong pay grade. I'm not a demon, I'm an archdemon."