Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Sometimes it's hard to remember that Saffron and I are married. Like, not 'oh, I forget I have a wife and I do dumb shit'. Nah, I'm not gonna blame the dumb shit I do, and I am absolutely including Just Happening to all and sundry, because even if sundry's kinda hot, I must have been drunk when I did it with all. But I look at Saffron and think, 'holy shit, I can't believe we're together', and then it hits me. We're not just dating. We're not just sleeping together, or living together. We're married. We're married and have two kids who are legally ours and another five who might as well be, and sure as shit will be once we marry Marie.

Shit, I'm married, and I keep forgetting that I am in fact not just lucky to come home to Saffron every night, but I'm also going to be married to Marie in under two weeks. Shit, I'm gonna have two wives. That's so fuckin' weird. Weirder than the fact that right now technically I think I've got two Concubines. Like, Saffron and I are married, so they're hers as well, and we all just kind of mix and match however works for us at the moment, but the Friday after next I'm gonna be slipping another ring on that woman's finger, and she'll do the same with me, and we're gonna all be spouses and shit. Like, okay, Siobhan won't. Yet. Honestly I'm not sure if she wants to be. I'm not sure I want her to be? Like, if she wanted to be, I'd be lining up the venue and making with more rings and whatever, but she's not... I dunno. I look at Siobhan and think 'fun squeaky toy live in girlfriend', not 'wife'. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not.

I'm pretty sure enjoying the Dragon's terror as I ate her piece by piece while she watched makes me a bad person. Or at least it means I've got some bad tendencies. Igniting a spark of hope that she might survive right explicitly to snuff it out a moment later probably falls deep into 'diabolical' territory. The fact that I want to excuse myself by saying, 'but I was pissed, and she tasted so much better that way' is not the get out of jail free card that my darker half thinks it is.

The scariest thing for me about all that has to be that while I keep blaming Her Dark Fatassness for all my darkest impulses, for all the really objectively awful things I've done to people, I'm really not sure about that. I've always heard that 'power corrupts' thing, but I never bought it. I always liked the 'power reveals' or 'power amplifies' or any of the sayings that recognize that power doesn't have any moral component, nor any Agency in and of itself. It just gives a person more Agency, and what they choose to do with that Agency reveals who they are. Which means that deep down inside, where it only comes out when I've got all the Power in the fuckin' world, I'm Kevin from Sin City. I talk a good game about 'who I want to be', but...

Then again, I remembered. I remembered that I want to talk things out. I tried. I might suck a little bit at it, but I tried. When things went south and I ate her bitch ass one tiny bit at a time while I watched her reactions, when I finished up, I remembered that I wanted to warn people off, to make it really fuckin' clear that coming here and fucking around will, inevitably, lead to finding out. Usually a kind of brief, painful finding out, but if you're small and stupid enough, it might even last a while. The definition of 'small' and 'stupid' keeps getting bigger, too. Not much smarter, but Morrigan's a whole 'nother level of big from Oliver.

Of course, I definitely wound up getting my comeuppance. At least a chunk of it. Woke up in Maze's tub with my ladies still tucked under my arms. The whole tub smelled a little of overripe milk, but then we'd been sleeping in it for the better part of a day and a half, I think. A quick check of the sun told me it was rising, which meant breakfast time. I wasn't really hungry, but I'm sure my ladies needed some food, a shower, and maybe some soaking in the Bath. I definitely needed both of the latter.

Of course the moment I stirred, Menace's eyes popped over the side of the tub. "Mama! You awake!"

"Yeah, kiddo. Everything okay out there in the world outside this tub?"

"Yah. Mawa taked cawe of uth. We good. Rabbit an Wiwy thtiw heyah."

I nodded. "Really? Cool. I think I need to talk to them about something."

"Mama?"

She sounded confused about something, so I kept my voice soft when I answered. "Yeah, Menace?"

"Wath thpooge?"

Yep. Karma's a bitch. Especially since I felt both Siobhan and Saffron snickering under my arms. Right about then Maze popped up behind Isnomi. "Yeah. What's spooge, papa?"

I took a deep breath and channeled my inner Saffron. My Health teacher back at Eastside always told me that kids didn't ask until they were ready to hear answers, and if they were wrong, they'd just say 'ew' and wander off. I could do this. "Spooge is the stuff that comes out of a boy's penis that makes a girl pregnant."

Menace made a face. Maze just grinned. She'd grown up in a mercenary camp, if she didn't know what spooge was I'd drink the day old bath milk. "Ith whide?"

"Yeah, usually. Sometimes it's pearlescent."

"Ith wike miwk?"

I shook my head. "Not really. I mean, the color's the same, but it's kinda gloopy."

"Like snot?" asked my little pony girl.

I rolled my eyes at her. "Yeah, a little bit."

"Dowes it tathte wike miwk?" Yeah, somehow I knew Maze was ultimately responsible for this line of questioning. I wasn't sure how, but the grin on her face gave the game away.

"Yeah, no. It's, uh... it depends on the boy's diet. But it's always a little salty, a little metallic."

She made another face. "Ew. Wike bwud?"

I thought about that for a second. "It's not not like blood."

She gave me the mother of all skeptical looks. "How you know?"

Okay, that was about as far as I was ready to go. "Because I am not yet ready to get pregnant, you little reprobates. Now, let's all get down to dinner before it gets cold."

"Oh tay. No spooge tho."

"Agreed."

As I stood up and hefted my ladies out of the tub, Saffron thought, listening to you with her is always so precious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only reason you didn't interrupt with your snickering was that you were doing it under water with your face pressed into my side.

You mean under milk. Or was that spooge?

Ha, ha, ha. No guys around here.

She looked up at me, and I felt a gentle pressure in my head. Siobhan looked up from where she walked tucked under my arm, then looked at Saffron, shrugged, and settled back in snuggled up to me. We'll need to talk about that, you realize.

Uh, no? Why?

Because a certain Maenad will be very disappointed if she's not carrying your child by sundown Saturnday after next.

I'd taunted and teased and promised, but I'd never really thought about the, y'know, technical details of putting Miniature Maenad Muffins in my Murder Mittens Muffin Oven. Uh, tell me you've got a solution for that? She just smiled serenely up at me and nodded. I sighed, snuggled her in under my arm, and thought, thanks, Kitten.

I wouldn't want to disappoint my wife.

I smiled down at her. Are you talkin' about her or me?

Yes. She giggled. Of course I've researched how we can overcome that hurdle. I expect you to do the same for me at some point, you realize.

I looked down at her and realized I wasn't kidding in the slightest when I said, right back at you.

She sighed. That might be a little bit more difficult.

I have faith in my Kitten's ability to solve ten unsolvable problems before breakfast. I slow blinked at her. Consider yourself commandmented, Kitten. I want. Your baby. In mah belly.

She frowned up at me, consternation clear on her face. You will regret that come ledger day.

So long as I walk away from ledger day inhabited by the bundle of joy you put in me, I won't regret a fuckin' thing, Kitten.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Her consternation melted away. No. No, I don't think you will. She looked over at Siobhan. "Sorry, Darling. Just discussing a few wedding night surprises with our Goof." Do you still want us to get our Ice Pop pregnant as well?

I looked down at Siobhan as we walked through the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah, if she'll agree to it. Fuck, I think I've got a bad case of baby fever.

Right about then Siobhan sighed. "I'll miss you three that night."

Saffron twisted around in front of me to look Siobhan right in the eye. "Excuse me?"

"I don't suppose you'll have a long honeymoon, with so much to do, but at least for your wedding night..."

Saffron stopped me in the doorway of the dining room, stepped around in front of Siobhan, and put her hands on Siobhan's shoulders. "Siobhan. Darling. If you think you will be anywhere but with us as we consummate our marriage, you are sorely mistaken."

Siobhan opened her mouth to argue, at least I think that's what she intended, but Marie stepped up behind me, leaned over my shoulder, and ended the discussion with a single word. "Truth."

"See?" I said. "You're not gonna argue with the bride, are you? About her own wedding night?"

Been a while since we got Siobhan so flustered she short circuited. I don't think she went completely under, but before I could scoop her up Saffron snagged her and princess carried her back to her chair. I couldn't even try to intervene, since Murder Mittens scooped me up in one arm and did the same with me.

Pancakes and syrup. Fluffy ones. Not just a little bit fluffy, but those big inch thick fluffy ones that soaked up the butter and syrup. So fuckin' good.

I didn't notice Rabbit sneaking into her chair, but Lily's entrance drew everyone's gaze as she strutted in, over to her seat, and flounced down in it. A Marie clamped a claw down on her shoulder a moment later, holding her down while she slipped a plate with a tall stack of pancakes on it in front of our guest.

"Ladies, while we definitely need a shower and maybe a soak, this afternoon I need to take a little trip with Rabbit and Lily."

The two of them tensed a little, but... only a little. We finished breakfast, then wandered up, cleaned up, and settled in to soak a bit. "What did you need of us?" asked Rabbit as she slipped in next to Siobhan.

I shook my head. "Time enough for that after. Nothing... nothing bad, I don't think. Maybe something good. Maybe."

Neither of them really relaxed, at least not immediately. A few hours of soaking did wonders, though, at least for my scars, both old and new. Midway through the soak, I waved Marie over. When she slipped next to me, I lay my hand on my shoulder. On my new scars that had ruined her perfect circles. "Fix them?"

She looked, her mouth dropping open just a little. Then she shook her head. Before I could open my mouth to whine at her, she slipped her claws over my lips. "Wedding."

"Right there in front of everybody? Okay."

She just shook her head. "Night."

"Okay."

She still settled in with her mouth next to my neck, her tongue scraping across my shoulder over and over until I almost fell asleep.

The kids decided bath time ended at lunch time, which is when I stood up, stretched a little, and slipped into The Dress and her boots. Lily and Rabbit both stared, Lily's mouth dropping open. "I like..."

"Yeah, I know, Men."

"...that dress."

I stepped right over to her, wrapped an arm around her waist, looked up into her startled eyes, and said, "it would look so good on your bedroom floor?" Rabbit laughed at Lily's booger look and stepped over to take my hand when I reached for her. "We should be home in time for dinner."

"Have a nice day, love."

With that I stepped us to the north edge of Erie. I popped up a Mana Ward, hoping it would keep any errant leftover radiation from hurting my passengers, then left them in the Ward and stepped out of it. I held up a hand for them to wait, then counted to sixty. When I felt not the slightest twinge on my skin, not even from the sun overhead, I sighed. "Okay, looks like the coast is clear."

"What are we doing here?"

"Visiting that bitch's nest."

The two of them looked more than a little scared, but when I stepped to M-Space and started skipping toward the far side of the peninsula, then out over the water, they followed. I couldn't tell you now I knew when we reached the Dragon's nest, but between one step and another, I realized we'd passed it. I stepped halfway back, then over to the Mortal Realm. The three of us plunged into the water, and if it was more than a little icy, it didn't seem to stop the other two, and honestly, I barely felt it. I swam down, the motion nearly as natural as walking. The other two clung to my hands, towed along behind me. Not sure whether they wanted me for protection or propulsion, but shortly my wireframe vision showed me a huge basin on the floor of the lake.

Cracks radiated through one end of the basin, tiny bubbles coming from them. I reached out, touched one, brought it to my mouth. Power and pain surged through me. "Well, that was dumb."

Lily rolled her eyes. Rabbit laughed, even if she made no sound. I guess neither of them were really very at home at the bottom of the sea.

Around the cracks lay the remains of a thousand, thousand egg shells. Big, leathery ones, all in a pile nearly as big as the Dire Bear before Mega Bear. I waved the two of them behind me and inhaled. Kept inhaling water long past the point where I should have ruptured like an overfull water balloon. When I couldn't suck in the tiniest extra bit, I blew. Eggshells flowed away, tumbling over one another like leaves running from a blower. In short order I'd unearthed what lay beneath them. A corpse. The carcass of a bear as big as that Dire Bear, only without a single extraneous spike, spur, or bone plate. Just the biggest fuckin' bear ever to bear.

Something had ravaged it. Holes ranging in size from a small car to a small building marred its fur, and beneath the flapping skin and fur only bits of sinew kept the remaining bones together. Its skull had been sheared clean through, leaving little other than a bowl lying where its head used to be. A bowl with three leathery eggs lying in it. Lilly swam past me, murder clear on her face. On the one hand, I did not want more Dire Bears or Dragons or anything else. On the other hand, the whole 'sins of the fathers' thing never really sat right with me. I grabbed her by the foot before she got away from me, then pointed at the surface.

As my head broke water, she shouted, "what do you think you are doing? Those are Dragon eggs! True Dragons! Three of them! They will hatch and we will have three new Water Panthers to be put down." She glared at me, suddenly suspicious again. "Or are you still peckish after your meal? Do you want to eat them, too?"

I sighed. "Look. Lily. They're eggs. Babies. Yeah, they're Dragons. But maybe nobody's ever tried to raise a Dragon right?"

She just looked at me, disbelieving. "Raise a Dragon...? They are nothing but pure, elemental Greed given form in scales and claws and hate!"

"Soundin' kinda hateful yourself right now, Lily."

Her glare got a lot hotter. "How many have you lost to Water Panthers over the years? Ones no bigger than what will crawl out of those eggs if we do not crush them now?"

I sighed. Maybe she was right. This was her land, hers and Rabbit's, and that's why I'd brought them along. I opened my mouth, not sure what I was gonna say, when Rabbit surfaced. "If you are arguing about the fate of the eggs, the point is moot." I frowned at her, and she shrugged. "Some bottom feeder took advantage. Each egg has been pierced from below, the young within slain and pulled out."

I just stared at her, realizing that's exactly what I would have said if I'd just wrecked three eggs and didn't want to have a long discussion over it. At the same time, after Lily talking about how Water Panther type Dragons hatched ready, willing, and able to kill, I couldn't bring myself to get my mad on. Eventually my shoulders sagged. "Could you two wait for me over on the shore?"

They looked at me, concerned. Lily opened her mouth, but Rabbit shook her head and tugged her away.

I dove again. Dove down to the remains of that bear. Dove through its skin, swam down to the center of its chest. Deep inside, to the ragged remains of its heart. Chunks had been eaten out of it, but I still recognized it. In part from my penchant for horror movies and anatomically accurate Valentine's Day cards. In part from the ragged echoes of Mana that still faintly leaked from it.

I stepped one of me to M-Space, lay a hand on the nearest tentacle, and pulled Mana. It came in waves, it came in torrents. I pulled Mana until I glowed like a star in the depths of Erie, in the violated chest of the great Bear. I lay my hands on its heart and spoke a single word. "Revive."

It was like with Diana, only not. Like Ria, only not. The remains of the great Bear collapsed into powder, swirling toward me in an endless flow. It covered the heart, a vortex of swirling sludge. Then the heart itself collapsed, and the vortex spun tighter and tighter, glowing brighter every second. Finally it collapsed into a single recognizable shape; a glowing heart the size of my fist. It pumped, and Power flowed outward, flowed through veins as they formed around it. Veins, then muscle and bone and sinew and finally fur. Moments later a Bear floated in front of me.

A bear cub, maybe the size of Maze. It opened its muzzle, like it was gonna roar, then it panicked a little bit. I scooped it up and rocketed for the surface, for the shore. It might have scratched me in its panic, but after the past couple days, it really wasn't enough of a deal to be worried about. Its thrashing slowed just before I broke the surface, carrying the poor little cub and dashing toward where Lily and Rabbit stood staring. When I got to them, I flopped the bear over my shoulder, face down, and squeezed it a little. It coughed out at least half a gutful of water and snot, then grunted out something between a whine and a roar.

"Ladies?" I set the bear on it's feet between them. "I think this little guy could maybe use some looking after?"

They both stared at me. Eventually Lily asked, "why?"

"Why what? Why you two raise him?"

"Why hand us one who will one day grow mighty? Why hand us the fate of the Great Bear?"

I shrugged, thought about why, about how to say it. Eventually I settled on, "because he's one of yours. Or closer to yours than mine. Because she belongs with people who might have a chance in hell of understanding him, of raising him like the people she once knew."

"Will she remember, then?"

"No fuckin' clue. But this land? This bear? This is for your people, not mine."

Lily scoffed. "Like your people won't come here eventually anyway."

I shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe they will. If nobody lives here, and they need a place to be, maybe. But for now? We've got more space than people, and my Kitten and I will make sure the people we have use what they've got before they go looking for more. And I'll still be around if they ever fill it up, and if they're anything less than polite and respectful if they want to move in with your people, I will be there to make sure their fucking around comes with a strong dose of finding out. If, y'know," I nodded at the bear, "she doesn't do it first."

At that point Rabbit looked up at me from where she'd been staring at the bear, which had kinda bumped into her like an overly big dog. Like a Great Dane bumping into a ballerina, really. Big cub. Little Rabbit. "That's all well and good. But what makes you think either of us know the first thing about parenting?"

I laughed and held out my hands. "Tell you a secret, ladies. I make that parenting shit up as I go along. But if you really want advice?" They both nodded. "Saffron and Marie? Both S plus plus tier moms. I'm sure they'll be willing to give you some tips."

Lily snorted. "Cooking. Cleaning. Mothering. Bedplay. Is there anything that Marie of yours cannot do?"

"Nope. That's why I'm putting a ring on that in, uh, about ten days. You guys wanna come to the wedding?"

Rabbit looked at the bear, then back at me. "We seem to have a responsibility now."

I thought about the Headmaster's likely reaction to the Bear Cub running around the Academy, and as my grin stretched my lips, I saw it echoed on Rabbit's face. "Fuck it. Bring her along."