Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

"To Justify Homicide,

You must have no other choice,

To protect other's safety."

Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Justified Homicide

Yeah, I'm that special kind of stupid that takes on the hard part of the job first. I'm pretty sure I can go on about all the other shit for days, and they're important, but this one... If I'm going into this thing with the idea that homicide can, in fact, be justified, I gotta put some really solid fences around that shit. Otherwise I just know some asshole's gonna wind up killing people because 'teh gawdez tol me to' or something like that, and the next thing I know some greedy bastard will wind up using that excuse to off anybody who won't work for free.

So, like, self defense is a pretty clear case, except, y'know, when it's not. Like, if Daya were to come at me with a knife, homicide would not be fuckin' justified. I'm not even sure I'd have to defend myself, especially if the knife was heavy and dull, because she's not exactly the kind of powerhouse that could beat me to death with it before she clocked out from exhaustion. Honestly, that's a big part of why I didn't list 'self defense', but 'defense of others'. Because if you've got the ability and desire to kill somebody, you're probably not in a whole lot of danger.

But people have kids. Some asshole threatens my kids, my first response will not be murder. That would be feeding them their kneecaps while they're still warm. But if they don't take that as a clear sign that I'm serious when I say 'back the fuck down right now or I will kill you dead and have my Maid deliver you so deep in Tartarus that Hades won't be able to find you without a team of sherpas and bloodhounds'. I'm also probably not even gonna go to kneecaps if I realize that the person has some kind of legitimate gripe with me, or if they're just blowing off steam or some shit like that, what with me being a public official and all that. Maybe I'll just scoop them up, take them to that big old field of tentacles, and have a polite conversation with them. Because I am a mature adult woman who can talk things out rather than losing my shit, so long as I know my kids are actually safe. Oh, and Siobhan, because despite everything I don't think she's really the sort to be able to defend herself.

So yesterday after finding out that Saffron is, in fact, a huge polyglot nerd who is naming our very expensive new capital ships using the kind of jokes a twelve year old horn dog would find hilarious, the two of us headed back to the homestead and proceeded to completely fail to get any meaningful amount of work done. Because I also have the sense of humor of a twelve year old horn dog. Kinda fun being in good enough shape that all those wacky 'why would somebody do it like that' standing positions were options. Of course, both of us completely forgot that Marie was along and watching us. Until she snickered at us when we wound up overbalancing and tumbling down the grassy hillside.

"Oh, sure. Laugh it up, Mittens. Like you could do better!"

Yeah, we wound up getting even less work done after that, what with her demonstrating that she could, in fact, do better.

When we got back to Lancaster House for the night, Siobhan already lay on the bed half asleep. "Siobhan?"

"Mmpratr?"

Saffron shook her head and began gently disrobing our Ice Pop. "What happened to the Scribes?"

By that point Saffron and I had jostled her awake, or at least awake enough to explain. "Oh. They're fine. They're even helping me teach the Cadets how to do the paperwork properly. But Marshall duBois..." She trailed off into muttering.

"Siobhan, I am absolutely willing to call the Marshall to heel if I must, or to explain why I ought not if I think his actions are justified, but I'll need you to explain."

"Squadball."

Saffron's wince told me most of what I needed to know about that, but I asked anyway. "The fuck is that?"

"A popular combat sport across Atlantis, one which the Marshall uses to teach squad level tactics and teamwork."

"A blood sport? Really?"

"Really." spat Siobhan.

But Saffron tilted her head, then shook it. "Not really. It's completely possible to win without injury." When Siobhan opened her mouth to bark something out, Saffron lay her fingers on Siobhan's chest, "patience, sister?" Siobhan pouted, folding her arms across Saffron's hand. but nodded. "A squadball is a fabric coated hardwood ball a bit larger than an apple, a bit smaller than a melon. About the largest ball an adult male Human can comfortably throw."

"Sounds like they'd be a pain for you."

She shrugged. "That's part of why I played Healer. The goal is to hit each opposing player twice in succession with a squadball. The first hit marks them as 'injured', and they have to go to ground. if they're hit again while 'injured', they're out. If a Healer helps them to their feet, they're no longer 'injured'. Traditionally it's played with teams of four, with each player being a Tank, a Mage, or a Healer. Mages can throw the ball at the other team or teams, Tanks can block throws with their forearms without being considered 'injured'."

"A hardwood ball the size of a... softball, maybe?"

"They are anything but soft."

"Okay, yeah, but," I held out my hands, "this big?"

"That's correct."

"Sounds like that could sting."

"More than sting," Siobhan cut in. "During your first Season at the Academy, one of your friends was killed by a squadball."

My stomach lurched. "Fuck. I don't even remember."

Saffron lay her free hand on my arm. "You saved him. You brought him and his Soul to Siobhan, then gave her the Mana to Revive him. Even if, at the time, that much Mana pulled from you that quickly injured you gravely."

Siobhan smiled. "That should have been my first hint as to your nature, really." She chuckled. "Loki even asked me. 'Are you implying that Our Tabitha is, in fact, a God?'," she managed a fair imitation of Loki's voice.

Not as good as she could if she Mimicked me, which I'm horrified that I even thought that in the privacy of my own head, let alone telling you.

Worried she's gonna replace you?

Siobhan? Hardly. A certain daughter of mine, on the other hand...

Pfft. Like I could do that. I'm not the best.

You most certainly are, daughter mine.

I blushed a little. Thanks, Dad. You're the best.

I know.

Saffron sighed and took Siobhan's face in her hands. "I'm sorry, beautiful little Concubine, but I cannot in good conscience tell Marshall duBois to stop Cadets from playing Squadball."

"Not even maybe with some extra padding or whatever?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Cadet uniforms are the most armor or padding most Phileo Heroes will ever wear. Those with no experience taking a hit need to learn to do so. Or learn to dodge."

I laughed. "Holy shit. 'If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball', only backwards."

The others looked at me like I'd said something crazy, which I guess I kinda had. So I picked up Siobhan, led the nightly procession to the bathroom, and kept her in the crook of my arm while I did my nightly stuff. "So. Since we can't stop the dodgeball... I mean squadball... is there anything else you'd like as compensation for the Marshall working you to exhaustion? Healing, I'm guessing?"

"Oh, I don't need... wait, oh, yes, that's exactly why I'm exhausted. Too exhausted to properly understand your question even."

As I handed another kid a cup of water to clean themselves off with before they got off the toilet, I murmured in her ear, "I guess you're too tired for anything bedroom related then?"

She blushed and burrowed into my neck. I was hoping we could show Tabitha the... ah... toys tonight?

Saffron's voice slipped into my brain. You are in no condition to be playing with the contents of those drawers.

Oh, but the ones in the headboard? Siobhan sent me an image of her hands slipping a cleverly hidden dildo out of a slot in the headboard of our secret bed.

I'm not sure you're in any condition to use those, Siobhan. Saffron sounded more amused than anything though.

Oh, not use them, but...

Well, Tabitha? It's up to you. Those toys were part of your birthday present, after all.

I nudged Siobhan with my chin, and when she looked up at me, said, "are you sure you trust me? After the other night with the soup?"

She rolled her eyes and murmured, "of course I do, my Hero. You meant well, you apologized when you realized you'd erred," and I've forgiven you utterly when you paid the price I asked, remember?

That got a little bit of a blush out of me, because that was some serious hentai shit we did that night. Which, considering the amount of happy 'more please' noises the ladies filled my brain with during, they were into. Now I kinda wondered if I'd ever actually indulged in that kind of thing. Also, would that be masturbation, or selfcest, or what?

The four of us hit the bed's room the moment the kids were asleep, and I found myself completely in awe of the sheer number and variety of toys in the headboard. Weirdest thing was one that didn't match the others; it had some kind of leather outer cover, and I swear I felt everything it touched. Magic is fuckin' weird as shit, but it does make for some fun adult games.

Slept the sleep of the just and righteous, which for me included dreams of being fed interesting combinations of dumplings, pasta, and popsicles. Weirdest popsicles in the world, with that kind of crunch you expect from a good frozen ice treat, followed by falling apart into slush in my maw.

In the morning after bath and breakfast, the three of us gave Siobhan a quick but thorough kissing good bye, after which the kids all lined up for kisses as well, since 'I wasn't staying to play today'. Then the three of us went to the homestead and started in on more hillside rock carving and stone slab pouring and placement. Around lunch I realized Saffron had been pushing me a little harder than previous days. When we sat down to a quick picnic Marie brought out for us, I asked her.

"Any reason we're rushing?"

Saffron thought about it, then nodded. "The weather is getting colder, and I think the ladies in the suite would like to at least begin working on our new home before the first snows hit." After a quick pause, she quietly said, "I'd very much like to have enough completed to celebrate Yule here, myself."

I slid over to put an arm around her, then beckoned Marie to do the same from her other side. "Hey, I got no problem with that. I just want to make sure we're not expecting, I dunno, a Dragon or something to show up."

Marie shook her head. "Winter."

That stopped me. "The actual fuck? Like, there are real Dragons here?"

Both of them froze for a second, then laughed. Before I could get a bug up my ass about it, Marie managed to choke out, "Three."

Saffron slipped her hand up to my chin, not even able to keep herself together enough to put it over my lips. "Sorry. Sorry, love. You... sorry." After a bit, when she finally worked it out of her system, she said, "You've fought three. Which is three more than most living people can boast surviving, save those you fought alongside."

"Uh... did I run fast or something?"

She chuckled again. "I believe you did before fighting the one I shot to death with Vulcan, but for the most part, no. You crushed one shortly after arriving here." She shook her head. "It took me quite a while to realize that was you Mimicking a Kraken. But you saved all of us from Camden when you did so. Then there was the one on the road to Lancaster, which you fought in melee until I arrived with Vulcan. That's where the Dragon Slayers armor comes from. Everyone from the Lancaster Expedition has a set, and those are some of the most coveted sets in the Alliance's non-Heroic military."

"What happened to the other two?"

She barked out a laugh. "I'm not certain what you did with the first one. Maybe you ate it? I wouldn't be surprised. But the third?" She laughed again, this time having to force the words out through chuckles. "You landed the Black Dragon on it. From the sky. It splashed."

"Wait... how big were these things?"

She tilted her head, thinking. "The first was the size of a house. The second, perhaps three times that in every dimension. The third I never saw in person, only through your eyes, but... you'd first mistaken it for an island in the middle of the Bay."

"Nine times the size of a house, and I went hand to hand with it?"

Saffron shook her head, but before I could sigh in relief, she said, "you borrowed Larry's sword."

"I... am an idiot."

"Counterpoint. You're here, eating lunch with Marie and I, while we plot your imminent seduction and subsequent ravaging, while all that remains of that Dragon adorns ten of our Heroes and three hundred of our Volunteers."

"Yeah, I guess I... wait, what?"